I am disappointed with my family

[Momogaga]

My husband was in hospital with an ear infection that led to meningitis. It was very sudden and we are so lucky.
He ended up in ITU on a ventilator for 6 days but he's since been home with no long term implications.
My husband's family all pulled through and helped with childcare, cooked meals, everything I needed was taken care of without me having to say a word.

My family live 15 mins away from me and only one of my 4 siblings showed up for me. It hit home how lonely I was when I was in ITU and almost had a break down, and a nurse asked if I had anyone to call to be there for me.

My family did call everyday to check on me but my issue is no one showed up.
My husband has been home for a month and no one has been round to check on us. They only live 15 mins away.

I finally saw red when my brother called me to ask what we were doing for Christmas and what we were going to feed his family.
Meanwhile, he only called twice when my husband was in ITU and never called to check if he was back home.

I was disappointed after the call and voiced my feelings via text and he never responded.
After spending Christmas with my husband's family yesterday I tried to have a heart to heart with my sister but instead she refused to understand and insisted she hasn't been round because I'm a private person and no one shows up for her too. She hung up on me.

But she went as far as saying she has are own issues, and I didn't show concern on how she got to my wedding 9 years ago with three kids. Instead I only pointed out she arrived late. She had 2 years to get herself ready. And she's always late.

I just feel disappointed that they all have excuses instead of apologising. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what family's supposed to be like.

Sadly you see the true colours of your family quite often in these situations.
They don't want to be missing out on the situation, so they make phone calls. So they're 'in the know', and then they put the phone down thinking they've 'done their bit'... They'd have known full well that with two young children you'd have needed help and support.

It's that classic case that many people adopt... As long as someone else is dealing with it, they're happy to just let them carry on and won't share the load. When it's all settled, they crawl out of the woodwork making all the right noises. It's too little, too late though. They've shown their true colours.

Focus on your family, and your husbands. Your own family sounds very shallow, the fact that your Sister is still harbouring resentment from an event years ago kinda shows there's a lot of resentment and jealousy probably involved too.

I hope your husband's health continues to improve, and you settle back into your life without any further problems.

All the best x

Thank you for clarifying that.

So by the sounds of it, it is not the first major thing your family members have gone through.

It is the first major thing YOU have gone through.

This is why I mentioned adjusting one’s expectations.

Sadly, some family members don’t/won’t see your crises as THEIR crises.

This is why I asked you if your mum and siblings share your view that this the ‘first major thing’ they’ve gone through? Their behaviour suggests that your perception isn’t matched here.

To your sister, her separation may have been the ‘first major thing’ she had gone through?

Maybe she finds it difficult to communicate things to you? Maybe you berating her for being late is a pattern of behaviour from you she wishes to avoid?

I can see empathy is an emotion that all of you are struggling with as a family.

Maybe some therapy is needed to find out why you all struggle to empathise with each other and hold resentments for not showing it to each other.

I hope you husband is back on his feet very soon and that you and your mum/siblings eventually find some common ground.

My family are like this OP. We have a superficially close relationship but I’d have no help in a crisis. It’s just the way things are. It upset me for a long time but I’ve come to terms with it now.

Jeebbs—ignore startrek1 their approach is rather pointlessly hostile. I would look, rather, at family function (or dysfunction) models. I wonder if you are the “utility” child? In family dynamics the utility child exists to be useful—their income, larger house, barbecue space, time and attention are just naturally supposed to flow to other family members. You are always to be available. Your resources are always to be available. A family crisis arises not when you have a crisis but when your medical emergency/your husband’s situation/a child’s SEND, etc..etc… means that you temporarily seem to demand reciprocity or return from family members. They simply can’t, and then won’t, tolerate this reversal of the norm. You are to be there for them not they for you.

Calling every day is not proof of care. Its literally the least family members can do and it substituted for the action of care rather than constituting care.

Sounds like your not an united family and everyone has issues

Phone calls are easy. They’re not really an effort to make some people are missing that point.
Also, people have missed where you said that your mum is very flaky like she’s not that bothered about helping out she cancels last minute I wonder if that has been copied by all the siblings because maybe how you deal with things is picked up by how your mum deals with things so people get the cues from that

My family is like this, and I have 4 siblings too. Its always me and DH expected to put ourselves out for everyone else yet nobody does for us.

I'm not surprised so many posters are making excuses for your family OP- many people are selfish and thoughtless. I would always offer practical support to friends and neighbours if they were in your situation, let alone family!

We've had a shit few months on the run up to Christmas but my family don't care. Their only concern is that they get ferried around as usual and we make Christmas work for everyone. Mid December my brother texted "Hey sis, how are things?" Apropos of asking me a favour to do with our mother no doubt, or how we're going to sort Christmas for everyone. I responded "Pretty crap actually. How are things with you and xxxx?" .....tumbleweed. My response didn't compute - it's not the way our family works.

It's a horrible realisation OP, that family isn't there for you, but now you know, so lower your expectations and accept it for what it is.

So the crisis was less than a week and they kept in touch. It isn’t obvious that your siblings should turn up at your house to support you - if that’s what was needed then you should’ve said so.
Other people also have jobs, families and their own plans; you need to use your words but you cannot demand support. Your husband’s family were already helping you and perhaps they felt the immediate emergency was covered?
I think there’s an undercurrent of dissatisfaction with your family relationships - such as your mum letting you down and this situation has brought it to the surface.

It was your DH who was ill and his family that rallied round. Assuming your family knew that his family was visiting all the time I can understand them not wanting to be treading on toes by turning up at the hospital while his close family were there. But they could have offered to help with childcare etc. What was said in your conversations? Did you ask for help or did you say your DH's family were helping you out, they might have thought you had enough people around.

Your brother asking about Christmas was pretty thoughtless, about the same sort of comment my brother would make, he has absolutely no filter and no social awareness, it wouldn't have crossed his mind that things were not going to be the same as usual this year.

It is very disappointing when family don't live up to your expectations.