I am disappointed with my family

[Momogaga]

My husband was in hospital with an ear infection that led to meningitis. It was very sudden and we are so lucky.
He ended up in ITU on a ventilator for 6 days but he's since been home with no long term implications.
My husband's family all pulled through and helped with childcare, cooked meals, everything I needed was taken care of without me having to say a word.

My family live 15 mins away from me and only one of my 4 siblings showed up for me. It hit home how lonely I was when I was in ITU and almost had a break down, and a nurse asked if I had anyone to call to be there for me.

My family did call everyday to check on me but my issue is no one showed up.
My husband has been home for a month and no one has been round to check on us. They only live 15 mins away.

I finally saw red when my brother called me to ask what we were doing for Christmas and what we were going to feed his family.
Meanwhile, he only called twice when my husband was in ITU and never called to check if he was back home.

I was disappointed after the call and voiced my feelings via text and he never responded.
After spending Christmas with my husband's family yesterday I tried to have a heart to heart with my sister but instead she refused to understand and insisted she hasn't been round because I'm a private person and no one shows up for her too. She hung up on me.

But she went as far as saying she has are own issues, and I didn't show concern on how she got to my wedding 9 years ago with three kids. Instead I only pointed out she arrived late. She had 2 years to get herself ready. And she's always late.

I just feel disappointed that they all have excuses instead of apologising. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what family's supposed to be like.

If they rang every day I'd assume that was an opportunity to ask for help if needed. Some people are jump in and get their hands dirty and others are waiting to be asked.

If you asked and they refused you have a point if you never asked it's unreasonable to expect them to be mind readers

It's not so much what happened when he was in hospital. It's that, they can't be bothered now he's out.

Yanbu, so they weren't even bothered to come see the kids? I would really step back after this. They seem to be all words and no action. Absolutely unacceptable from all of them.

Never came to visit the kids. One who just turned 1 and a 4yr old. So they know I have my hands full. Tbh I'm not really bothered they didn't visit the hospital.
It's the fact they still haven't visited that's been hard to deal with.
Even if they think I'm a private person, they could always ask when's a good time to visit. I just think they are coming up with excuses.
But I'm trying to see both sides.

Did you mention that the in-laws were helping out? If so, maybe they assumed you had it covered. Also, maybe they’re giving you privacy and space to recover in private.

And they were there, they phoned you daily.

This.
And sometimes people can surprise you.
Ones you never think about can stand by you and the ones you thought would be there, no matter what, and disappear like the mist.....,

Good on you.
What awful behaviour by your mil.
Some people have the emotional awareness/ sensitivity of a card board box

Understandable
When people show you who they are - believe them.

You're got a good one.
What amazing people.
Hope you're dh goes from strength to strength

They rang you every day. So it wasn't that they didn't care. And to be honest, I wouldn't invite myself to a family members' house when they've just got home from an ICU stay.

Admittedly I would ask of they need anything, but I don't think that your family's behaviour has been as bad as you imply. Your family dynamic is different from your in-laws, that's all. Maybe they were just waiting for you to ask for help or make it clear that he was well enough for visitors.

It’s hard to find out when the shit hits the fan how few people actually care. It really is a valuable insight, as you can now prioritise those that care for you and will be there for you. The bbqs and parties will now be based around your in laws. They are clearly going to be the ones that step up for you and your family op. When push comes to shove.

Your Mum and sister don’t sound great all even before this, perhaps you are seeing them for how they actually are now - and not an idealised version. Scale back.

It should be fairly obvious with a one year old and four year old that help and support would be essential!!!

You don’t need to ask someone in that situation if you are close family - you just turn up and get stuck in! Hiding behind the privacy excuse is ridiculous, when you are in an emergency situation with two very young children the last thing you care about is ‘privacy’.

Having your DH Critically ill in ITU is so shockingly stressful; people just don't get it until it happens to them. Sadly it does make you reevaluate relationships. OP, I know exactly where you're coming from and have been in your shoes.

That's a very fair point. I hadn't factored in the children's ages.

Been ina similar situation and the resentment really ate me up. I had to really just try and make peace that some people do things in times of trouble, and not often how you want them to. And it seems awkward to ask people to be there for you in the way you want. I’ve had to really just learn to let things go over the years because the resentment was only harming me

Perhaps they felt like your dh didn't want visitors. If it was me I wouldn't mind seeing my own parents or siblings but would find my in-laws more of having to put on a brave face make small talk etc which your dh would not need at all.

Yeah but they could ask when's a good time to pop round.

Your family have been incredibly unsupportive.
As a nurse your sister did understand the gravity of the situation and definitely should have been better. Comparing it to your wedding 9 years ago, she sounds bitter. Your brother sounds like a selfish ar$ehole. Your upset is completely understandable, you have made your feelings known to your family and the have chosen to ignore you or be dismissive of you feelings. That is not okay. Your feelings are valid. Personally I wouldn’t bother making any effort to contact my relatives again if they did this, instead I would go low contact and reply to any messages as and when I felt like it. I’d ignore any messages about hosting and leave them to do all of that themselves. The gall of your brother to ask about what they are being fed at Christmas is appalling.

When people show you who they are believe them. Credit to your in-laws for their support to you. I hope you’re okay 🫂

After spending Christmas with my husband's family yesterday I tried to have a heart to heart with my sister but instead she refused to understand and insisted she hasn't been round because I'm a private person and no one shows up for her too. She hung up on me.

But she went as far as saying she has are own issues, and I didn't show concern on how she got to my wedding 9 years ago with three kids. Instead I only pointed out she arrived late. She had 2 years to get herself ready. And she's always late.

I honestly think by the way you have described this exchange tells me that there is a history in this group of family members - and that includes you - that don’t show up for each other in ways you all expect and then let resentments build up.

It sounded like your sister was going through something 9 nine years ago and instead of you overlooking her lateness, you chose to pull her up on it rather than ask her if everything was okay.

You also didn’t show much empathy for her having young children at the time, but are now demanding consideration and empathy for yourself because you have little ones now.

You don’t mention what’s going on in her life now - these issues she’s mentioned. Do you know? Do you care?

You also note that mum is a flake and your brother is totally oblivious.

But they’ve still called you every day?

What do you want from them and did you communicate it to them?

If they do not meet your expectations, you have to communicate them or adjust them.

And I would say the same things above to your sister, as she’s clearly resentful of your perceived shortcomings but had not fully communicated them to you all those years ago.

I wish you the best of luck with this - as a lot of the behaviours as a family seem to be in a learned dynamic.

Are you sure this is ‘the first major thing with had to deal with as a family’?

Or the first major thing that YOU have had to deal with?

Does your mum and siblings share this view?

Your sister is a nurse and has children that are likely teenagers now - yet you think this is the first major thing in HER life that has happened in her family?

Are you oblivious to their crises - like your brother is to yours?

Or do you keep your distance during their crises - like your sister did to you?

Have you invited them? If not give them a day and time. If they don't turn up then you will clearly know where you stand.

I feel you,
I was in ICU twice for 6 weeks and 8 weeks both times ventilated and subsequently had a tracheostomy none of my family apart from my husband mum and sister bothered,
My dad didn't even ask how I was once in them times.

This is the first life threatening situation in our family so yes I expect them to show up regardless. As for showing empathy for her lateness, she's always late, even to work. She had plenty time to plan herself for our wedding. I hadn't even thought about her lateness until she mentioned it so she clearly has some resentment.

So sorry to hear this.

I've communicated my feelings. It's been 4 days and no one has called me back to check on me.
And I'm very much not oblivious to her crisis. I've helped babysit last minute, borrowed money when needed, supported during her separation etc. If she's going or gone through something major she's not communicated that.