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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What can I do? Teens at Xmas

75 replies

Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 12:47

We have tried a number of different Christmases over the years, as dh’s family now live overseas, and my parents can be particularly abusive and unkind at Christmas. I have just lost my closest friend 10 days ago and an elderly relative. We decided to come anyway.

Last year my teens were bored at home, and despite our best efforts with games etc it was really hard going. Everyone was ill which didn’t help. We decided we would go away this year.

This year I saved up and booked to go away to a place with so many activities for them. A festive atmosphere known for its Christmas charm. I spent months choosing and buying presents, decorated their whole room and we bought a tree. Eldest ds18 complained as soon as he arrived from uni that he didn’t want to be here. Apparently they would all prefer to be at home. Despite the fact we discussed this with them multiple times before booking. The other two boys have been tired and morose.

They have moaned, complained and decided none of the activities are for them. Reluctantly joined in with the odd game. Scowled all the way through Xmas lunch.

I don’t know what more I could have done to make this nice for them? I cried myself to sleep last night. I really stretched to afford this family mini break and I just want to pack up and go home. I feel like I have failed them.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 26/12/2024 12:49

Did you ask them what they wanted to do? Was there not a compromise where you could all get a bit of what you want?

HeyPrestoVinegar · 26/12/2024 12:49

Take time to grieve and centre yourself. Stop tying yourself in knots begging to appease moody teenagers.

Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 12:49

Doggymummar · 26/12/2024 12:49

Did you ask them what they wanted to do? Was there not a compromise where you could all get a bit of what you want?

We did, they thought it was a good idea in the summer.

OP posts:
Trickabrick · 26/12/2024 12:50

Next year, do what YOU want to do and at least one of you will be happy!

Doggymummar · 26/12/2024 12:50

Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 12:49

We did, they thought it was a good idea in the summer.

Show quote history

Then tell them they need to get on with it and not be so selfish

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 26/12/2024 12:52

I’m so sorry I totally get it, we try so hard to have close families it’s heart breaking. No advice just lots of sympathy life sucks sometimes.

Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 12:52

I had awful xmases as a child, so I have always tried so hard to make it nice and fun.

I haven’t had time to grieve, or even think about my dear friend. It was too late to get a refund and I thought it would do us all good.

OP posts:
HPandthelastwish · 26/12/2024 12:53

I would actually go and tell them how you feel, how you stretched yourself, how you planned etc. if they are normally good and kind teens then the chances are they are just being a bit self centred which is normal for the age as they just don't realize what goes into these things. Having a very frank discussion may well do them a while heap of good. And, if they don't cheer up continue your holiday doing the things you enjoy and let them sulk.

Chaseandstatus · 26/12/2024 12:53

I am so sorry for your loss.

Teens are like this, you have done everything right. One day they will tell you what a brilliant trip this was. They just appear to be miserable all the time… they look like adults but they have the soul of a toddler.

Do whatever you would prefer for the next 24 hours and pretend they are happy, they probably are deep down.

Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 12:54

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 26/12/2024 12:52

I’m so sorry I totally get it, we try so hard to have close families it’s heart breaking. No advice just lots of sympathy life sucks sometimes.

I do feel broken hearted. That’s exactly what I feel like. Which feels like an overreaction, and like I need to get a grip. I am so disappointed. Exhausted. Still seeing flashbacks of the last moments of my df life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 12:57

Chaseandstatus · 26/12/2024 12:53

I am so sorry for your loss.

Teens are like this, you have done everything right. One day they will tell you what a brilliant trip this was. They just appear to be miserable all the time… they look like adults but they have the soul of a toddler.

Do whatever you would prefer for the next 24 hours and pretend they are happy, they probably are deep down.

Thank you for your posts. I am relieved it’s not just my teenagers. They don’t appear to want to be anywhere. They were very enthusiastic a few months ago, now we are here they want to be home.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 12:57

They sound exceptionally spoilt and ungrateful.

likeafishneedsabike · 26/12/2024 12:57

Ugh, sounds really tough. What age and gender are these ungrateful sods?

Trickabrick · 26/12/2024 12:59

HPandthelastwish · 26/12/2024 12:53

I would actually go and tell them how you feel, how you stretched yourself, how you planned etc. if they are normally good and kind teens then the chances are they are just being a bit self centred which is normal for the age as they just don't realize what goes into these things. Having a very frank discussion may well do them a while heap of good. And, if they don't cheer up continue your holiday doing the things you enjoy and let them sulk.

This is great advice and an approach I’ve taken myself. Have the chat then give them the space to mull it over, maybe go for a walk or get a coffee and hopefully things will improve when you’re together again. Don’t demand an apology but just a clean slate to rescue the rest of the break.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 26/12/2024 13:00

You’re grieving the loss of your friend. It’s completely understandable that you’re not as resilient as you may usually be.

teenagers can be thankless buggers. Doesn’t always mean they haven’t enjoyed it and they may well talk fondly of this trip in years to come.

next year though, you do what you like. As long as they have gifts and food they like they’ll be fine and it won’t feel as high steaks for you.

Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:00

They are good kids usually. 18,16 and 14 all boys. I am not convinced they would be happier at home. I thought the simplicity would work, we could do family stuff, walks, biking, activities. I am so sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:03

If we see extended family they don’t enjoy it, although they do make an effort but I can see they would rather not, if we are on our own they are bored. What works with this age group? I don’t remember being this difficult.

OP posts:
PerditaLaChien · 26/12/2024 13:03

It sounds a bit like you are hoping for "organised fun" activities when as teens they'd probably be happiest lounging around at home, with the freedom to chill out, snack on Christmas treats, watch tv, game, text friends etc.

Maybe limit the expectations on having activities scheduled in. Chat to them about a relatively short game they don't mind playing & set out some clear expectations eg that everyone will sit down to lunch together & play one game later on, but leave them plenty of time to chill.

Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:05

I cancelled all of the activities and agreed to just hang out here, and now they are bored with the movies and snacks. On their phones again.

OP posts:
PerditaLaChien · 26/12/2024 13:07

Are they actually bored? Or is it that they want to be on their phones but you'd rather they weren't?
Teenage boys this age basically don't really want to spend time with their mum.

will they kick a ball around outside or hang around somewhere with pool tables or darts that they can play together? Is there a pool you can all go hang out at?

InkHeart2024 · 26/12/2024 13:07

Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:03

If we see extended family they don’t enjoy it, although they do make an effort but I can see they would rather not, if we are on our own they are bored. What works with this age group? I don’t remember being this difficult.

Nothing works. Kids of that age group don't want to be having magical Christmas times with their family, they want to be able to pop in and out of the Christmas stuff while having space to be antisocial in their room/game/go out and see friends/whatever they enjoy. I remember being 14-18 and finding Christmas excruciating at times, and I didn't even have the internet to tempt me away. Christmas is fun and magic for small kids. Once they grow out of Santa you have to adjust your expectations a lot!

HeyPrestoVinegar · 26/12/2024 13:07

Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:05

I cancelled all of the activities and agreed to just hang out here, and now they are bored with the movies and snacks. On their phones again.

You need to go ballistic at them, they are rude, entitled and far too old to be acting like petulant wankers. Find your anger.
Wehhh we don't like home, or activities we chose or a holiday we wanted. Ridiculous.

latetothefisting · 26/12/2024 13:10

18 is too old to still trying to be able to enforce the 'magic of christmas.' I assume the others are older teens too. When I was 18, after an intense first term away at uni I wanted to come home and chill/catch up with friends, not go away to some cheesy winter wonderland and have to share a room with siblings and be with my family 24/7.

I would dial it right back next year.
Why the angst about them being bored? There's nothing actually wrong with being bored, but if they are bored at home with literally everything they own around them, then they'll be bored anywhere. Perhaps they just aren't very interesting people!, or at least not that interested in Christmas. If you try to enforce fun and jollity where the majority aren't bothered of course it will be hard going.

Rather than bigging Christmas up as the Best.Day.Ever just get some nice food in and make what you want of it. Perhaps do a few interesting days spread out over the christmas period so it's not all focussed on the one day and you can spend time together as a family but also decompress alone/with friends.

You sound like you're trying to recapture the Christmas magic from when they were younger, but that's passed. You need to work out what the 'new' ideal Christmas will look like and be prepared to accept that theirs might be a lot more low key than yours.

SpanThatWorld · 26/12/2024 13:11

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 12:57

They sound exceptionally spoilt and ungrateful.

Do they?

They sound like fairly standard teenagers to me.

Once one of them starts with the sulking, the rest tend to join in.

As someone said upthread, toddlers' emotional intelligence in adults' bodies.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 13:11

What works with this age group?

I have two girls, 14&16. We all lied in till somewhere between 10am and noon. Myself and my 14yo prepped dinner and chatted and listened to Christmas music whilst 16yo still asleep.

We opened presents to each other. They are old enough now to get me something thoughtful and they did.

My dad came and we all went for a long walk. Nice chat.

Ate dinner. Played that game where you have to March on the spot we've seen on tiktok. Chatted and laughed.

Me, my dad and 14yo then watched a movie. 16yo FaceTime her boyfriend.

Then everyone went on their phones chatting to all our respective friends on them.

My kids have never said they're bored. Im not entirely sure this is a good thing, there's quite a lot of research that people should be bored occasionally, but phones surely have stopped that for everyone? Instant bespoke entertainment!