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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What can I do? Teens at Xmas

75 replies

Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 12:47

We have tried a number of different Christmases over the years, as dh’s family now live overseas, and my parents can be particularly abusive and unkind at Christmas. I have just lost my closest friend 10 days ago and an elderly relative. We decided to come anyway.

Last year my teens were bored at home, and despite our best efforts with games etc it was really hard going. Everyone was ill which didn’t help. We decided we would go away this year.

This year I saved up and booked to go away to a place with so many activities for them. A festive atmosphere known for its Christmas charm. I spent months choosing and buying presents, decorated their whole room and we bought a tree. Eldest ds18 complained as soon as he arrived from uni that he didn’t want to be here. Apparently they would all prefer to be at home. Despite the fact we discussed this with them multiple times before booking. The other two boys have been tired and morose.

They have moaned, complained and decided none of the activities are for them. Reluctantly joined in with the odd game. Scowled all the way through Xmas lunch.

I don’t know what more I could have done to make this nice for them? I cried myself to sleep last night. I really stretched to afford this family mini break and I just want to pack up and go home. I feel like I have failed them.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 13:12

Honestly? Yes @SpanThatWorld . That isn't acceptable to me, teenagers or not.

SpanThatWorld · 26/12/2024 13:15

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 13:12

Honestly? Yes @SpanThatWorld . That isn't acceptable to me, teenagers or not.

I doubt whether any of us finds it "acceptable" but that's not to say that it's "exceptional".

Lots of teenagers are absolute bellends.

Chocolatesnowman2 · 26/12/2024 13:15

I'm autistic,and I book our holidays and really look forward to them ,then when we get there I'm stressed and want to go home .
I've 3 autistic boys ,older than yours ..but once teens they didn't want time with mum ,they didn't really want holidays,and most of Christmas they spend in their rooms .
I think ,op ,your trying to hard ..
Just chill and relax and go with the flow ,your on holiday now ,but just treat it like your at home ,let them just eat and chill and go on phones and sort themselves out .and you use the time to walk and grieve for your friend.
I'm guilty of trying to hard to make everything perfect,and then getting upset when it's not ..I also had awful Christmases as a child and tried so hard with my kids .but teens need their space and chill time.

stayathomer · 26/12/2024 13:15

HeyPrestoVinegar

Take time to grieve and centre yourself. Stop tying yourself in knots begging to appease moody teenagers.

I think so many posts should start like this, great suggestion x

op next year talk to them but also look at what will give you a nice time too. You’re a person too- what kind of a Christmas would you like and how can you make that happen? I think anything you work hard at to make perfect has unfortunately the potential to fall flat - (ref our ‘holiday of a lifetime’ that broke our family, and actually split me and dh up)

pinkdelight · 26/12/2024 13:17

When I was 18, I wanted to hang out with my friends at every opportunity, so only did the mandatory Christmas socialising with family - Xmas dinner itself, visits to Aunts for a few hours - then was out with mates my own age or over at their houses. Know that things changed more with rise of online but my boys (14 and 18) still spend most of that time online with friends, gaming and so on, but break off for meals or a movie with us or a walk at a push. I wouldn't expect them to want to spend whole days with us doing activities etc. They're their own people and it's nicer to hang out together between other things. Holidays still involve them bringing laptops/consoles and we don't go for long as everyone's more at ease back home being able to manage their own time and with less pressure to have family fun. It's lovely what you've tried to do but what you describe seems normal to me and especially for an 18yo, it's better that they're pulling away and the expectation shouldn't be on you to keep them all happy and entertained.

pinkdelight · 26/12/2024 13:18

Sorry about your friend too, and your relative. Go easy on yourself. Don't expect too much of anything. You're doing well to keep going in sad circumstances.

ThatMauveRaven · 26/12/2024 13:19

The answer is to stop trying to force the ‘ideal’ Christmas. The one that i suspect you are going for OP only exists in storybooks and movies. Let your teens do what they are happy to do instead of smothering them with supposedly ‘fun’ activities. You’re making a huge deal out of this and it’s making the situation worse. Tone things down.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 26/12/2024 13:23

I think you (or DH) should be reading them all the riot frankly. Imagine being such a bunch of dicks to your mum when her best friend literally just died. They are all old enough to be told to suck it up and put a whole heap more effort into looking after you!

lazyarse123 · 26/12/2024 13:29

Get them all together and tell them they've ruined your Christmas. The Christmas they agreed to do. I'd also tell them they're selfish, ungrateful little shits especially the eldest.
From now on I would do what I wanted. It's not compulsory for teens to act like arseholes.

Round123 · 26/12/2024 13:33

You need to speak to them. Don’t tell them how you feel. Tell them the facts.

you agreed you’d like to spend Xmas away.
I purchased all the presents you want and more
your attitude has sucked-give clear examples
my friend passed away recently-I deserve compassion

Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:36

I realy wasn’t expecting a story book Christmas, but I had hoped for everyone to be reasonably happy. Dh and I gave them the choice of stuff to do, we have given them space. Tried to be easy going and keep suggestions to a minimum. i am seconds away from packing up and calling it a day.

I told them how I was feeling, said it was sad it wasn’t quite right. They couldn’t care any less.

OP posts:
Suzuki76 · 26/12/2024 13:40

Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:36

I realy wasn’t expecting a story book Christmas, but I had hoped for everyone to be reasonably happy. Dh and I gave them the choice of stuff to do, we have given them space. Tried to be easy going and keep suggestions to a minimum. i am seconds away from packing up and calling it a day.

I told them how I was feeling, said it was sad it wasn’t quite right. They couldn’t care any less.

You need to be firmer than that. It's not that it's "not quite right" for them, but that they are ungrateful toerags who agreed to this in the first place.

If you don't think you can take yourself off for a bit and enjoy the location I would go home.

Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:41

They know about my friend, i asked them at the beginning of our holiday if we could try and make the most of it.

They seem to change so much every few months. How does anyone plan anything?

They argue too much if we are stuck in for extended periods, and they sometimes like planned activities, but are the first to be very vocal if I don’t do anything/ organise it. I didn’t know this stage would be so hard.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 13:42

I guess that saying applies - you can't control what someone else does, you can only control your response.

What will make you happy here op?

They're not going to change this holiday, you can either think their behaviour is acceptable or not, jury is out on this thread.

They're old enough to look after themselves so here on in, do what 'you' want op.

What would you do if they weren't there? Do that.

Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:46

If I cut my losses now, they might just be happier. The weather is awful. I feel awful. Things can’t be worse tbh. I agree I probably just need to stop trying. It’s not so much my expectations ( I know better than that) but just hoping for a reasonable time.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 26/12/2024 13:46

You've been too kind to them. Read them the riot act, say they've been selfish and have given you no thought at all. Then go out and do something by yourself, or with your DH, and leave them to stew on their phones.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 13:47

but are the first to be very vocal if I don’t do anything/ organise i

Sorry but what?!? How dare they? I would go ape if my dc were vocal about my not organising something, whej they are all old enough to organise it for themselves. Not that they ever would, because my expectations are for much better behaviour.

I don't think my answers are helping you and im sorry about that, I think you wanted to hear that this behaviour is normal.

Sod them today op, take yourself off somewhere nice to grieve.

But honestly, going forward, I would seriously raise your expectations regarding human decency.

Bearbookagainandagain · 26/12/2024 13:47

Their behaviour is not acceptable. I get the moody moaning teenager thing, but they need to get their shit together as they're not toddlers anymore.

You did everything right. As someone else suggested, you and your husband/partner should just go out and do the activities you want to do. They don't need babysitters anymore, just do your thing and if they just want to be miserables then so be it.

Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:48

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 13:42

I guess that saying applies - you can't control what someone else does, you can only control your response.

What will make you happy here op?

They're not going to change this holiday, you can either think their behaviour is acceptable or not, jury is out on this thread.

They're old enough to look after themselves so here on in, do what 'you' want op.

What would you do if they weren't there? Do that.

I’d go home, crawl under my duvet and cry for as long as I need to. I would be able to stop trying to be a good parent and just be able to get over what has happened. Which feels so selfish.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 13:49

I’d go home, crawl under my duvet and cry for as long as I need to. I would be able to stop trying to be a good parent and just be able to get over what has happened. Which feels so selfish.

Do that then op. Seriously. You're a human too whose best friend has just died. You matter.

Springup24 · 26/12/2024 13:50

That's not selfish at all.

Please do it xx

If everyone else is able to put themselves first, it is certainly not selfish to do the same xx

Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:51

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 13:47

but are the first to be very vocal if I don’t do anything/ organise i

Sorry but what?!? How dare they? I would go ape if my dc were vocal about my not organising something, whej they are all old enough to organise it for themselves. Not that they ever would, because my expectations are for much better behaviour.

I don't think my answers are helping you and im sorry about that, I think you wanted to hear that this behaviour is normal.

Sod them today op, take yourself off somewhere nice to grieve.

But honestly, going forward, I would seriously raise your expectations regarding human decency.

They were kind when my friend died. Made me dinner. Ds walked the dog. They hugged me ) unusual) and were really nice. It’s just here they seem stuck between two worlds. I agree I need to be stronger with them, but I feel responsible for this shit show as I booked it. It was my idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostinmusic22 · 26/12/2024 13:55

I have just told them we are going and to pack up. They actually looked up then at least.
Dh said we can get some wine on the way back.
The rain and fog has set in here and even the dog looks fed up.
Next year they will get a few presents and a roast and I’ll spend the money on a few days away on my own or with a friend. It feels bloody thankless at this point.

OP posts:
CleanShirt · 26/12/2024 14:02

I don't really think 14 year old boys are into "festive charm". And their minds can change like the wind. Maybe next year book something inclusive that would suit everyone?

Newname71 · 26/12/2024 14:02

Do yourself a favour and stop trying to make Christmas special. Relax. I’ve tied myself in knots for years trying to make Christmas Day what I thought it should be. I’d get upset if my teens wanted to leave the house for 2 minutes to see their mates. For the last 2 years I’ve decided to just let whatever’s going to happen happen. My DS’s are 17 and 24, both asked if their mates could come round once we’d had lunch. -at one time it would’ve been a firm no because Christmas is for family. Their mates came round and joined in with our family games (DSis and BIL were here) we had a brilliant day and I haven’t laughed so much in ages.