What can I do? Teens at Xmas

[Lostinmusic22]

We have tried a number of different Christmases over the years, as dh’s family now live overseas, and my parents can be particularly abusive and unkind at Christmas. I have just lost my closest friend 10 days ago and an elderly relative. We decided to come anyway.

Last year my teens were bored at home, and despite our best efforts with games etc it was really hard going. Everyone was ill which didn’t help. We decided we would go away this year.

This year I saved up and booked to go away to a place with so many activities for them. A festive atmosphere known for its Christmas charm. I spent months choosing and buying presents, decorated their whole room and we bought a tree. Eldest ds18 complained as soon as he arrived from uni that he didn’t want to be here. Apparently they would all prefer to be at home. Despite the fact we discussed this with them multiple times before booking. The other two boys have been tired and morose.

They have moaned, complained and decided none of the activities are for them. Reluctantly joined in with the odd game. Scowled all the way through Xmas lunch.

I don’t know what more I could have done to make this nice for them? I cried myself to sleep last night. I really stretched to afford this family mini break and I just want to pack up and go home. I feel like I have failed them.

I don't agree.
My 2 are 16 and 19 and wouldn't behave like this.
DS loves being at home but he is grateful for being taken on holiday.
I wouldn't have forced any activities on them but I don't subscribe to the view that its ok for Teens to behave like arseholes just because of their ages.

The Headline here is that you are in a state of grief and need to quit any kind of parenting for a while. Take care of yourself, for a change.
Moving forward, I have found with teenage boys that the best way to manage time off (whether at home or away) is to have firm expectations which are actually quite minimal. ‘You are a free man today other than the following…’
Then insert the few things that actually matter to you. Not many - then you can insist on the parts of family life that make a difference while releasing them to game/socialise online/listen to their music as they please. Which is - after all - what they actually enjoy doing!
Not perfect yesterday - the two teen boys argued a bit in front of my parents and one of them snapped at me very moodily more than once.
But my expectations were low (and clear) and I got an unprompted apology for the snapping from older boy this morning. So all in all, there is not a lot of angst if ‘the basics’ of spending time together are agreed in advance. Nobody wants to feel that spending time together is a chore, but honestly spending time with family can be a chore for a lot of teens. Best to face that fact head on.

Did you by any chance go to Centerparcs?

I hated family Xmas as a teen, so 15 onwards. It was boring and I wanted to be with my mates.
At 17 and 18I spent Xmas night at my boyfriend's, as his family were more fun.
As a student home from uni, I lived in the pub.

I want my family Xmas to be more fun, but so much is dependent on personality. Dc1 is an introvert and prefers to hide. Dh is quiet. Dc2 is more outgoing, but it's hard to make it really fun when only 2 of you are up for it. I want the noisy, gregarious family but ain't going to happen.

Sounds like it. Far too expensive to waste on moody teens!

Can you go somewhere to clear your head OP? (Even if it’s just a coffee and cake or a walk? ). Leave them to it . You are not as resilient as usual so look after yourself.

Are they always this horrible?

Good guess!! It usually suits them as they are into sports. There is so much they would usually like to do it’s quite sad watching the happy families go by with children in Santa’s hats.

It’s cost us so much. I can’t even think about how much we have spent on this.

I feel for you. We actually nearly did the same thing this year and then realised it would probably turn out exactly the way it’s turned out for you (sorry). I think at this age they are just selfish and just want to do their own thing all the time. They moan about being bored and when you suggest something they don’t want to do anything. Mine (13 and 21) have just spent the entire time either gaming with their friends online, eating everything in sight and sleeping till 1pm. I’ve just provided food and let them get on with it. I guess they’re enjoying it in their own way. I totally feel the Christmas joy of the past is past now. I need to borrow a toddler from somewhere!

Try to forget about the price tag. That’s been and gone, nothing you can do about it, so goes into the box of ‘experience, not to be repeated’. You tried something nice but it didn’t work for reasons that you couldn’t have foreseen - your own emotional state, kids being that bit older and more twatty than half a year ago etc. be kind to yourself when you get home and forget about your kids, they can look after themselves for a few days at that age. Will probably be just as (not very) happy to be on screens eating crap 24/7…

Can you book yourself into the spa and bugger off and leave them to it?

So sorry about the loss if your friend and your elderly relatives.

I wouldn't go home personally. Leave the teens to do their own thing (if phones, so be it).

Go and do things you would like to do with your DH.Embrace the bad weather, get some fresh air then go for coffee/cake/mulled wine if you fancy it. Nurture yourself because you need and deserve it. The teens are old enough to decide what they want to do and if it's phones they can do that as easily at Centerparcs as at home.

If you do go home early, take time there to look after yourself. Do not run after the teens further trying to appease them.

Please don't feel.guilty about them not having your idea of a nice festive time.You did your best and it's not your fault they didn't want it after all.

I am so sorry about your friend, OP.

They are teenagers - they don't care about Christmas or family stuff. Why would they? Next year, make plans that suit you, and give them the option to join. Or not.
You haven't failed them - they are just growing up. It's normal.

I am so sorry, OP, what a rubbish Christmas. Not to make excuses for your teens, but mine is absolutely exhausted after a busy term, pressure of school etc. It is frustrating when you want to have nice family times though.

Totally agree with the posters who have said just ignore the kids and fill your own cup. For the rest of the holidays, do exactly what YOU want - whether that's a lovely ready meal for 1, a trashy paperback or spending the afternoon in the bath.

I have a policy that whenever my teen is moody or rude, I turn my back, go into my room and do something nice for myself. It's the only way to stay sane!

I have a teen and the best thing I did was to understand that he is growing up and isn't my baby who loved Xmas and cuddles anymore. His ignorance isn't intentional and he doesn't mean to hurt my feelings.
I embrace the moments he does come into the living room and spends time with me and his brother. He came to church on Xmas eve which was a lovely surprise and we've had some moments over this Xmas that have been nice. I focus on that rather than the sadness when he retreats back to his phone, xbox and room.

It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on this trip, next year do what makes YOU happy and enjoy the moments they join in. Its sad but unfortunately Xmas isn't the same when they grow up.

Centerparcs at Christmas is VERY geared up to under 8s, and I say this is a die hard CP fan. I was very disappointed by both this and the Winter Lights they do in Jan and Feb - the rest of the year it’s very much all ages but in this period not so much. It’s such a shame. They remove a lot of the normal activities to staff the Santa related ones - which they also limit to under 8 only.

I took my dd to a panto and a show last week - she kept asking how long til it's finished so next year, we won't be doing anything like that at all. I still will, just won't be taking her

Yes let’s borrow toddlers and then we would have a Christmas that doesn’t feel like walking on egg shells. You saved yourself a lot of pain and money!

I am blaming dh for this personally as he said it would be ‘great’ he has since conceded defeat, we both have, and we are now havinga consolation drink.
We are still here, as teens said they will make an effort. I have had a few cocktails and feel less like a coiled spring about to explode 😂

THANK the lord! I knew it! Dc said it was like a crèche and half the activities we came for are MIA. They have blamed the weather but they are clearly aiming for a demographic. It’s not helping with teen dc, as it does feel very ‘young’ here. It usually works for us but maybe we have outgrown it now..

Enjoy your cocktails, OP! At least you two can enjoy the CP experience.

100%. I would never go back in this season, but the rest of the year it’s still amazing for teens

I'm sorry you had a rotten time. It's really hard adjusting to children growing up.

When I think back to being 18 and coming home for Christmas, I wanted to be at the pub with my friends on Christmas eve, and then home with my family on the day and it became much more sharing a glass of wine over dinner than activities to occupy me like a younger child. I wanted lie ins and quiet time too. I still loved my family and appreciated them but as equal adults. I worked full time at 18.

I do have to keep reminding myself what 18 was like. I was hosting my mum for lunch by 21

I hope your next few days are nicer and you get some joy.

I think chalk it up to experience and stay home next year. Mine’s 18 home from uni and has wanted to meet friends, sleep and lie on sofa. She’s enjoying just being at home with food and space to chill.

Honestly I think they are too old for CenterParcs. You will have to write it off as a bad idea & move on. But for the same price you could have done maybe a city break with more stuff for them to do. Actually you could probably have hired a big house somewhere like Cornwall for same price.