Lesbian friends partner - can anyone help me make sense of this

[sandrapinchedmysandwich]

I have been friends with Beth for a few years since we met at a hobby. She lives around 20 miles from me so we see each other relatively infrequently. Usually for drinks and dinner. We always have a lovely time and have lots in common. She lives with Lottie but I had never met her up until recently.

In the summer Beth announced they were both looking forward to meeting me for our planned meal the following week meaning she was bringing Lottie. Lovely I thought. It will be nice to meet her. And we all seemed to have a good night. I can't think of one thing I may have done wrong, I showed interest in Lottie's life, paid my way etc etc etc. I invited them over to me the next time to a restaurant in my town that has good reputation. Both said that would be nice and we set a date

That night never happened as Beth said Lottie had plans and she would come alone but then was unwell. And since then Beth and I haven't really seen each other and don't speak as much as we used to. And all this has happened since Lottie came into the mix.

Part of me feels paranoid that Lottie didn't like me at all and this has changed things, but part of me also wonders why Lottie came along at all after so long. I would not bring my partner to a meet up with a friend after all.

So what has happened? I just don't get it and I miss the easy friendship I used to have with Beth.

Have you tried asking her? It could quite easily have nothing to do with you and be something in her own life

Well it doesn't sound like anything you did. Maybe the girlfriend just didn't like you for some unknown reason (personality clash, something you said she strongly disagrees with). Or it could just be something outside your control. Maybe the girlfriend is very jealous and controlling. Maybe your friend told her she fancied you when you first met. It's sad if you've lost a friend, but maybe just step back a bit and leave it on the back burner for a while.

Why did you title your thread as you did and not something like Friend's Partner? It would be obvious from the post they're in a same sex relationship. It just seems to make their sexuality the most important thing when it's not, it's your relationship with her partner.

That was very helpful. Do you think that being same sex does not make a difference? Don't you think that the title may encourage people in same sex relationships to offer an opinion - they may have bypassed it initially ...

I think you might be overthinking it a bit. It’s probably nothing to do with you, she’s been unwell and you’ve had a slightly reduced contact. This is quite common in friendships. It’s common to think things are about you when it’s often not the case. Try not to take it to heart and arrange a meet up in a few months.

Yes quite possibly. When we do talk I always ask how she is and we have always been able to communicate the bad times and the good times to each other quite freely. I just feel something has somehow shifted though

See I think the opposite. It's very relevant and any people on MN with same sex partners will be able to see the title and may be able to help more than someone not in a same sex relationship.

You should probably also highlight the lack of an apostrophe in the title, perhaps with a trigger warning.

OP - I guess Lottie is jealous. Standard dynamic in all flavours of relationships.

Thank you. Yes I did consider that Lottie might be feeling somehow threatened in some way hence the sudden interest in joining us. But I am also a terrible over thinker and my go to is often to blame myself sadly.

This is exactly why I phrased it as I did. Thank you 😊

Are you also female and same sex attracted? Could be a controlling/jealous thing.

Good advice. Thank you

The only way you can know if there's a problem, is to ask Beth. It could be something to do with Lottie, or it could be something else. If you want to continue the friendship, see how things are with Beth.

Oops. Trigger warning definitely required for when the pendants arrive 🤣

I am female and heterosexual

It would be obvious from the post though, or she could make if clear jn the message it was a same sex relationship. It just seemed to me that the most important thing was that her friend is gay.

I have gay friends and family members. I don't automatically default to their sexuality when talking about them. Just if it's important. Yes if this was my friend and I was talking about her relationship of course I'd say she was gay, as it makes the story easier to follow. But her sexuality wouldn't be the most important thing, which bg saying Lesbian Friends Partner puts her sexuality as the most important thing. Anyway I'm bowing out rather than distract from proper advice x

As stated before, I was especially interested in perspectives of others in same sex relationships who may otherwise scroll on

Well you seem to be hinting at the blindingly absolute obvious, so it's probably that? 🤷‍♂️

Maybe Beth has a bit more of an interest in you than you realise? Would explain the partner insisting on meeting you and trying to put the brakes on future meet ups?

Jealous. You will represent something that Lottie is not. And now Lottie has decided that not only does she not want to meet you, she does not want Beth to meet you either. This is why your cosy little dinners have stopped.

Presumably you are perceived as competition for some reason. That’s why. The reason probably doesn’t matter too much, but it could be anything from over familiarity, over emphasising their relationship, money, class perception. The point is that it’s her perception not yours.

What can you do? Not much. Keep reaching out to Beth, but not to too much pressure. If this is the dynamic then you just have to show you are the same as you ever were.

Honestly I don't know what the obvious is. I really don't. I have analysed that night to see what I did wrong over and over again. I think my default blaming myself was because after meeting me, Lottie didn't seem like she wanted to meet me again reading between the lines. So my go to is that somehow that's my fault

I nearly always have dinner and drinks with friends these days if we meet of an evening. I don't do anything different with Beth than I do with other friends. But I get why that might perhaps look more intimate than it is. Maybe I should see if Beth we would like a day time meet next time instead - maybe coffee or a wander around the shops

Lottie thinks you’re wanting a romantic / sexual relationship with Beth. She came all to check you out and has now forbidden Beth from being with you.

You referring to being a terrible overthinker leapt out at me. I am too - as a result of a difficult, chaaotic and frightening childhood for me where being hyper vigilant was my only chance of feeling any kind of safety at all. Situations like you describe would send me into a frenzy of overthinking. I would feel I needed to know what had happened to feel safe. The uncertainty and lack of ability to be able to come up with a definitive explanation would consume me. Also unanticipated changes that I couldn’t influence would be so hard. I cope now by reframing. What am I feeling and what’s in my actual control?

As you say, you feel disappointed that your friendship with Beth has changed. What would be the best way to get it back on track if that’s what you want? At what point do you accept it’s permanently changed and live with what it now is or walk away yourself as it’s uncomfortable now? It’s definitely unusual to have met for so long just the two of you and then for it to become the three of you and then become failed meet ups and reduced contact. I would presume most likely an issue in their relationship or their perception of you. All that is outside of your control. When you say your go to is to blame yourself, in my experience that is often a control thing. It might make you feel sad but it can be easier, if you’ve had a difficult childhood for example, and actually feel safer to feel it’s you. Unfortunately, based on what you’ve said, I think whatever has happened isn’t you and your friendship and the loss of how it was has been caught up in whatever is going on for them.

Lottie is insecure and jealous of yours and Beth's past history (friendship and experiences) and your current friendship, and quite frankly, thinks you want to steal her.

I bet Lottie is controlling in many other ways.