Page 2 | Lesbian friends partner - can anyone help me make sense of this

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 2024-12-26T11:00:33+00:00

I have been friends with Beth for a few years since we met at a hobby. She lives around 20 miles from me so we see each other relatively infrequently. Usually for drinks and dinner. We always have a lovely time and have lots in common. She lives with Lottie but I had never met her up until recently. In the summer Beth announced they were both looking forward to meeting me for our planned meal the following week meaning she was bringing Lottie. Lovely I thought. It will be nice to meet her. And we all seemed to have a good night. I can't think of one thing I may have done wrong, I showed interest in Lottie's life, paid my way etc etc etc. I invited them over to me the next time to a restaurant in my town that has good reputation. Both said that would be nice and we set a date That night never happened as Beth said Lottie had plans and she would come alone but then was unwell. And since then Beth and I haven't really seen each other and don't speak as much as we used to. And all this has happened since Lottie came into the mix. Part of me feels paranoid that Lottie didn't like me at all and this has changed things, but part of me also wonders why Lottie came along at all after so long. I would not bring my partner to a meet up with a friend after all. So what has happened? I just don't get it and I miss the easy friendship I used to have with Beth.

Createausername1970 · 26/12/2024 11:33

I have close female friends, we are all heterosexuals with male partners. I love my husband very much, but appreciate the female friendships and the ability to talk to them about anything and everything and it doesn't affect the relationship I have with my husband.

I have often wondered if females in same sex relationships can have these same close friendships with other females outside of their relationship with a female partner. I know the argument will be that just because someone is female, doesn't mean they fancy and want to have sex with all other females regardless, but it must be a totally different dynamic to the one I experience.

Mumofnarnia · 26/12/2024 11:34

It sounds to me as if Lottie is controlling and jealous. Controlling people start to isolate their other half from friends and family. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. I think this Lottie is manipulating your friend and isolating her.

Hillrunning · 26/12/2024 11:39

It sounds like you are close enough to just bring it up. 'Hey Beth, everything okay with us? Though I'd noticed a shift recently. I value our friendship so would like to hear if somethings up.'

Original poster

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 26/12/2024 11:39

DecemberXmasMovies · 26/12/2024 11:32

You referring to being a terrible overthinker leapt out at me. I am too - as a result of a difficult, chaaotic and frightening childhood for me where being hyper vigilant was my only chance of feeling any kind of safety at all. Situations like you describe would send me into a frenzy of overthinking. I would feel I needed to know what had happened to feel safe. The uncertainty and lack of ability to be able to come up with a definitive explanation would consume me. Also unanticipated changes that I couldn’t influence would be so hard. I cope now by reframing. What am I feeling and what’s in my actual control?

As you say, you feel disappointed that your friendship with Beth has changed. What would be the best way to get it back on track if that’s what you want? At what point do you accept it’s permanently changed and live with what it now is or walk away yourself as it’s uncomfortable now? It’s definitely unusual to have met for so long just the two of you and then for it to become the three of you and then become failed meet ups and reduced contact. I would presume most likely an issue in their relationship or their perception of you. All that is outside of your control. When you say your go to is to blame yourself, in my experience that is often a control thing. It might make you feel sad but it can be easier, if you’ve had a difficult childhood for example, and actually feel safer to feel it’s you. Unfortunately, based on what you’ve said, I think whatever has happened isn’t you and your friendship and the loss of how it was has been caught up in whatever is going on for them.

Edited

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You have pretty much hit the nail on the head. I had an awful childhood and definitely didn't have secure attachments which has heavily influenced how I react to perceived rejection. This has happened before where I have turned myself inside out looking for answers and then later found out it was nothing to do with me. I have been in therapy for this before but old habits die hard. Thank you for your insightful response

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Opentooffers · 26/12/2024 11:40

It's your goto that's wrong, you know it is, but still going to it!
It's pretty much like if your friend was a man and everyone was heterosexual. You'd be seen as competition in that situation. Although you are straight, it's not outside the realms of possibility that a gay person could fall for a straight person, that's most likely what her DP is worried about. Either it's because her DP is being insecure about your friendship, or perhaps your friend has mentioned you too much, and does actually like you as more than a friend. Either way, it's nothing you've done, and you can't do anything about it. People in relationships drop their friends all the time, it's up to your friend do decide what to do about it.

Original poster

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 26/12/2024 11:43

Createausername1970 · 26/12/2024 11:33

I have close female friends, we are all heterosexuals with male partners. I love my husband very much, but appreciate the female friendships and the ability to talk to them about anything and everything and it doesn't affect the relationship I have with my husband.

I have often wondered if females in same sex relationships can have these same close friendships with other females outside of their relationship with a female partner. I know the argument will be that just because someone is female, doesn't mean they fancy and want to have sex with all other females regardless, but it must be a totally different dynamic to the one I experience.

Absolutely and this is why I phrased my thread title as I did.

Lottie is another woman so really the more the merrier but her being Beth's partner changed the dynamic slightly.

Another gay friend I have is quite clear that her friends and her partners friends are sacred to each other aside from big events like parties, weddings etc for this reason but I wasn't sure how unusual this is

OP posts:

Original poster

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 26/12/2024 11:44

Opentooffers · 26/12/2024 11:40

It's your goto that's wrong, you know it is, but still going to it!
It's pretty much like if your friend was a man and everyone was heterosexual. You'd be seen as competition in that situation. Although you are straight, it's not outside the realms of possibility that a gay person could fall for a straight person, that's most likely what her DP is worried about. Either it's because her DP is being insecure about your friendship, or perhaps your friend has mentioned you too much, and does actually like you as more than a friend. Either way, it's nothing you've done, and you can't do anything about it. People in relationships drop their friends all the time, it's up to your friend do decide what to do about it.

Absolutely. I wish I could have a more laissez-faire attitude in life

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YaCannyKickYaGrannyInTheShin · 26/12/2024 11:44

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 26/12/2024 11:27

Honestly I don't know what the obvious is. I really don't. I have analysed that night to see what I did wrong over and over again. I think my default blaming myself was because after meeting me, Lottie didn't seem like she wanted to meet me again reading between the lines. So my go to is that somehow that's my fault

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Honestly I don't know what the obvious is. I really don't.

Oh.

bombastix · 26/12/2024 11:49

One thing that you don’t seem to know OP is that in lesbian circles there is often a woman in the wings around a relationship. She either had a relationship with one of the couple or aims to.

So that’s where Lottie has you pegged, and perhaps she’s right. Beth has been meeting you for dinner for years…

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 26/12/2024 11:53

Maybe Lottie is a jealous and controlling bitch. Maybe she's a perfectly nice woman who just doesn't like you. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. We'll never know.

It's odd to me that this is so important to you. Beth is a friend you see infrequently, it's not like she is your life long BFF. IRL friendships often ebb and flow and at the moment you are in an ebb stage with her. That's normal. You might reignite at some point in the future and see each other more frequently. Or not. Either is perfectly normal.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 26/12/2024 12:04

Spidey66 · 26/12/2024 11:10

Why did you title your thread as you did and not something like Friend's Partner? It would be obvious from the post they're in a same sex relationship. It just seems to make their sexuality the most important thing when it's not, it's your relationship with her partner.

Because maybe Beth had feelings for op at sone point and Lottie knew this - if Beth was heterosexual, that wouldn't be a thing so it is very relevant

Original poster

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 26/12/2024 12:05

bombastix · 26/12/2024 11:49

One thing that you don’t seem to know OP is that in lesbian circles there is often a woman in the wings around a relationship. She either had a relationship with one of the couple or aims to.

So that’s where Lottie has you pegged, and perhaps she’s right. Beth has been meeting you for dinner for years…

I promise I don't see Beth in that way and I don't think she sees me in that way. We have never ever been flirty and we never discuss sexual matters either

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Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 26/12/2024 12:08

I had a friend l used to work with op,,we ket up for a coffee one day ages after we had left in which time, she had a ditched her husband and entered a same sex relationship. She brought her partner along and l have never felt so uncomfortable - this woman didn't like me from the minute l sat down, before l even spoke - was very strange and l have never met my friend again. They are married now and very happy together l believe.

Original poster

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 26/12/2024 12:08

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 26/12/2024 11:53

Maybe Lottie is a jealous and controlling bitch. Maybe she's a perfectly nice woman who just doesn't like you. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. We'll never know.

It's odd to me that this is so important to you. Beth is a friend you see infrequently, it's not like she is your life long BFF. IRL friendships often ebb and flow and at the moment you are in an ebb stage with her. That's normal. You might reignite at some point in the future and see each other more frequently. Or not. Either is perfectly normal.

Yes you are quite right. I do class her as a good friend as we can generally talk about most things and we have been friends for years but ebbs and flows are normal in friendships and this is how I need to see it

OP posts:

Shelaydownunderthetable · 26/12/2024 12:09

bombastix · 26/12/2024 11:49

One thing that you don’t seem to know OP is that in lesbian circles there is often a woman in the wings around a relationship. She either had a relationship with one of the couple or aims to.

So that’s where Lottie has you pegged, and perhaps she’s right. Beth has been meeting you for dinner for years…

Eh? I would NOT say this happens often, or any more than in the straight world.

OP I think you might be overthinking it? Just ask!

Original poster

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 26/12/2024 12:10

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 26/12/2024 12:08

I had a friend l used to work with op,,we ket up for a coffee one day ages after we had left in which time, she had a ditched her husband and entered a same sex relationship. She brought her partner along and l have never felt so uncomfortable - this woman didn't like me from the minute l sat down, before l even spoke - was very strange and l have never met my friend again. They are married now and very happy together l believe.

Oh I am really sorry. It's an awful feeling isn't it?

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PrimalScreaming · 26/12/2024 12:13

Lesbian here... interesting reading! Would like to know how many people who have Lottie pegged as jealous / controlling / abusive etc are lesbian too? There seems to be a lot of jumping to conclusions and stereotypes around sexuality here.

I have been with my wife 16 years - in that time we have separate friends, joint friends and friends who were separate who have become joint. One thing I will say is I have lost count of the number of times that 'my' friends expect me to bring my wife along seemingly because she is another female. It is often their expectation and not mine. Sometimes she does come as the invite is for both of us, sometimes she's very happy not to as they are 'my' friends and that works visa versa too.
Lottie may have been interested in meeting you as she was aware you were prominent in Beth's life, but felt no need to try and make that into a 'couple's friendship'. That doesn't account for Beth going quiet, I know - but her reasons for that could be infinite... and does not necessarily mean a controlling abusive partner!

Original poster

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 26/12/2024 12:18

PrimalScreaming · 26/12/2024 12:13

Lesbian here... interesting reading! Would like to know how many people who have Lottie pegged as jealous / controlling / abusive etc are lesbian too? There seems to be a lot of jumping to conclusions and stereotypes around sexuality here.

I have been with my wife 16 years - in that time we have separate friends, joint friends and friends who were separate who have become joint. One thing I will say is I have lost count of the number of times that 'my' friends expect me to bring my wife along seemingly because she is another female. It is often their expectation and not mine. Sometimes she does come as the invite is for both of us, sometimes she's very happy not to as they are 'my' friends and that works visa versa too.
Lottie may have been interested in meeting you as she was aware you were prominent in Beth's life, but felt no need to try and make that into a 'couple's friendship'. That doesn't account for Beth going quiet, I know - but her reasons for that could be infinite... and does not necessarily mean a controlling abusive partner!

Thank you. That's really interesting. When Lottie came along I wasn't sure what I should do going forward, hence inviting them both over to visit me next time rather than just Beth.

Maybe it's as straightforward as Lottie was curious about me and we can both be pleasant to each other and get on but will never become actual friends

OP posts:

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 26/12/2024 12:27

I had a lesbian best friend who used to be straight and dated my brother for a while. Over time she had mostly lesbian friends and I was the only straight one left. I often thought that sometimes the lesbian girlfriends had a problem with me as I am straight or also with our history (my brother). It could be this.

bombastix · 26/12/2024 12:37

Shelaydownunderthetable · 26/12/2024 12:09

Eh? I would NOT say this happens often, or any more than in the straight world.

OP I think you might be overthinking it? Just ask!

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oh come on. Not saying it doesn’t happen in the straight world either; but the friend who is interested in being more than a friend, or the ex? Very common. That’s not a slur on lesbians, just an observation.

Mountainormolehills · 26/12/2024 12:50

Createausername1970 · 26/12/2024 11:33

I have close female friends, we are all heterosexuals with male partners. I love my husband very much, but appreciate the female friendships and the ability to talk to them about anything and everything and it doesn't affect the relationship I have with my husband.

I have often wondered if females in same sex relationships can have these same close friendships with other females outside of their relationship with a female partner. I know the argument will be that just because someone is female, doesn't mean they fancy and want to have sex with all other females regardless, but it must be a totally different dynamic to the one I experience.

I was in same sex relationships for 2 decades and having female friends has always been important to me. Your partner is not the be all and end all, and friends can support in different ways. I have female friends of different sexuality’s, as well as male friends of varying sexual orientations.

ImagineRainbows · 26/12/2024 12:51

@sandrapinchedmysandwich Is this a newish relationship with Lottie?

Lesbian relationships can be far more intense than straight ones as your partner ends up as your best friend also. I know my family and friends barely saw me for the first year as we wanted to spend every second together at the start.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 26/12/2024 12:51

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 26/12/2024 11:27

Honestly I don't know what the obvious is. I really don't. I have analysed that night to see what I did wrong over and over again. I think my default blaming myself was because after meeting me, Lottie didn't seem like she wanted to meet me again reading between the lines. So my go to is that somehow that's my fault

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Perhaps Lottie just didn't take to you as a person - it can happen. Or she might have been jealous of Beth's bond with you. In neither case is it your fault. Or they may have something going on in their lives which is unconnected. Hopefully Beth will gradually reestablish contact sans Lottie and your one to one meetings will continue.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/12/2024 12:53

People often see less of friends once they are in a committed partnership. If it’s troubling you, just ask Beth.

Spirallingdownwards · 26/12/2024 12:55

Spidey66 · 26/12/2024 11:19

It would be obvious from the post though, or she could make if clear jn the message it was a same sex relationship. It just seemed to me that the most important thing was that her friend is gay.

I have gay friends and family members. I don't automatically default to their sexuality when talking about them. Just if it's important. Yes if this was my friend and I was talking about her relationship of course I'd say she was gay, as it makes the story easier to follow. But her sexuality wouldn't be the most important thing, which bg saying Lesbian Friends Partner puts her sexuality as the most important thing. Anyway I'm bowing out rather than distract from proper advice x

But as others have explained it would encourage more gay women to look at the thread as their advice may have a different slant than a heterosexual female. They may not have clicked on a thread entitled friend's partner .... whereas they may when it says lesbian friend's partner as more relevant to them.