To feel a bit miffed

[Sparklesandspandexgallore]

I can’t decide if I am being a grumpy old sod or not,
Yesterday we hosted Christmas Day.
My 2 adult step children and a boyfriend ( whom I had never met,) my mother and mil plus me and dh.
We have a small kitchen and the table does not accommodate 7 people. This meant we had to borrow a table and extra chairs from mil. She doesn’t use this table herself. It comes to pieces and is ancient and is kept in many pieces in her garage. Dh has a back injury and is still awaiting the results of medical tests to get to the bottom of it. He is on strong medication to cope with the pain and is on reduced hours at work and reduced pay.
Anyway, we managed to erect the thing.
None of his family drive, so dh had to pick them up and bring them over to ours.
Dh always gives his DCs money for their birthday and Christmas, this is what they ask for.
One of his dc earns more than either dh or do. The other one, who is also in their late 20s does not work and is a perpetual student. They have never had a job, not even a Saturday job. Their ambition is to stay at university and somehow obtain their dream job which apparently has nothing to do with the actual degree they are studying. Their partner works part time in retail and was also a student for many years.
When they arrived they gave dh one present between them worth about £15. The boyfriend also gave dh a token present. They didn’t give me anything. Not even box of biscuits or a bottle of wine.
Nothing.
Neither my step children nor the boyfriend contributed one single item towards Christmas lunch.
Afterwards, they sat there and watched dh struggling to dismantle the ancient rickety table, until I told him to stop as I could see he was in pain. Mil asked dh if he was alright and I said no, he isn’t he has a bad back and cannot do this. At this point the boyfriend then got up and dismantled the table. The boyfriend and I then carried all the parts plus the chairs out of the room and loaded them back into the car. We do not have room in our house to store this table nor do I want it in my house.
I then washed the entire dishes by hand. Unfortunately we don’t have a dish washer. I dried everything myself and put everything away. I don’t expect mil or my mother to help, they deserve a rest. My mother did ask if I wanted her to help but she is elderly as is mil. They have done their share of this over the years.
However, I was annoyed at my step children, who just sat there without one of them offering to help.
I have DCs who are younger than my step children. They are not with us over the main Christmas holidays.
They bought dh a present- each I should add not one shared present. I know 100% that if my children had sat there exactly like my dsc did, dh would have been very annoyed and told me so.
Yesterday I was upset and thought they are ungrateful brats. How rude to turn up empty handed, dish out presents to their grandma and father and not me, then sit there as if they are paying guests.
Dh came into the kitchen and offered to help dry up but I told him to go back. Tbh I wanted to be on my own to seethe!
I haven’t criticised his family but I have told him that next year, I won’t be hosting.
To add, dh and his ex wife have been divorced a long time. She committed adultery. I was not the ow. They tell dh they like me and that I am a lot nicer than his ex partner. Well maybe the ex partner wasn’t so nice if they behaved like this.
Before Covid dh would drive twice a week to pick dsc up, bring them to ours and cook dinner for them. They never lifted a finger to help and I always made a point of telling dh I found this rude. They were adults then, not children.
When my dc did the same dh would moan.
I’m currently looking at flights for next year and contemplating going away with my DCs with or without dh.
I don’t know whether to tell dh how I feel but I know he will defend his DCs.
Thanks if you got to the end of this.
Dh is not lazy. He does a lot of chores. I won’t be ltb over this but Christ if he ever criticises my dcs I think my head will explode with what I have to say about his dcs.
Does anyone have tips on how to let this go and not seethe with resentment?
If I mention it I just know it will end in an almighty row with my telling sh exactly what I think if his dcs and it will not be pretty.
I don’t want it to spoilt today as we have great plans to go out.
Thanks if you have got to the end of this.

I don't understand why you didn't just say 'ok DSC please can you come and wash up as dh and I have done all the cooking'.

Nothing will ever change if you don't say that you're unhappy with things as they are.

If you don't want to host then don't. I imagine you don't see them often so don't sour it by focusing on who did the washing up.

Yesterday I was upset and thought they are ungrateful brats.

You’re right, your DH has raised two vile selfish brats, and he sounds like an absolute sap himself.

More fool you if you tolerate this again next Christmas, or any time they visit your home.

Ask DH why he didn’t ask his adult children to do a single thing when he would not tolerate that from your own children.

He doesn’t sound very nice.

And don’t host next year. Go to your mum’s without DH.

Before Covid dh would drive twice a week to pick dsc up, bring them to ours and cook dinner for them. They never lifted a finger to help and I always made a point of telling dh I found this rude. They were adults then, not children.
When my dc did the same dh would moan.

This isn't new behaviour. This is what they always do. And if you don't do something, it'll keep being what they always do.

Also, it's a MN classic, you have a DH problem. He could have used his words and asked them to do the table or the washing up instead of martyring himself with the table and leaving the washing up all to you.

They sound ungrateful and the not getting you anything is pretty crap but then did you get them something? It sounded from your op your dh gives them money, then they give him a present? But I do think they should of got something as you were hosting

With wanting help, if you told your mum you didn’t need help with washing up, I guess they assumed you didn’t want help at all?

id be annoyed but you’re not hosting again so it’s a non issue now

The boyfriend and I then carried all the parts plus the chairs out of the room and loaded them back into the car.

So DH watched you struggle with all this instead of asking his son to help you?

Sounds like he thinks you should skivvy for his children like he does.

I know 100% that if my children had sat there exactly like my dsc did, dh would have been very annoyed and told me so.

Say that to him.

I did the lion's share of cooking yesterday, DH ran inner with drinks , clearing wrapping paper, and had dinner a lot of the loading/unloading dishwasher putting away etc. After dinner I said to DB , right we're sitting down for a bit because I've been in the kitchen for hours , dishwasher needs doing again and the bins need taking out, decide between you who's doing what. So they did with no issue at all. If I'd said nothing dB and his family would've sat and done nothing. So rather than seethe I just made my position clear.

This.

It may have been that they felt awkward- a lot of younger people will feel that it’s your house and you’re hosting so you may not want people interfering. Of course they should have offered but I have a dd aged 21 and I know she would feel unsure as to whether to get involved or not (I am actually of the sort where I want to do everything myself as I have my own set ways of doing things)! If you want people to help you should ask them to.

Why didn’t you just say ‘right time for you kids to pitch in’ then delegate jobs?

The dsc are both women.
I agree dh is part of the problem for not telling them to get off their backsides and help.
Seriously my own dds would not sit there and watch an older woman carry furniture in and out of the house.
My mother asked me quietly if I needed help, we were alone when she asked so the dsc did not hear her.
As for asking the dsc to help, is it also ok to say ‘Where is my present?’ And ‘What dishes have you brought?’
I don’t really want to have to tell another adult to go and wash up and dry up or be that blunt. I prefer an adult to have manners.
I’ve told dh that I am looking at flights for next year. He has replied he can’t afford it. I’ve said I’m going with my DCs.
I’ve also said I’m not hosting next year, what I really mean is that I’m not hosting his DCs again. I’m happy to have our parents but I’m not having his DCs again.
He is now accusing me of being in a mood.

I’ve told dh that I am looking at flights for next year. He has replied he can’t afford it. I’ve said I’m going with my DCs.
I’ve also said I’m not hosting next year, what I really mean is that I’m not hosting his DCs again. I’m happy to have our parents but I’m not having his DCs again.
He is now accusing me of being in a mood.

Well done, OP. Definitely have a separate Christmas.

He treats your dc differently to his so he shouldn’t be surprised when you don’t want to spend time with them,

But you already know his dc are rude, mannerless and unhelpful? Sounds like they get from their dad

So unless you spell it out, they are going to sit and do nothing. But if your dh doesn’t care they treat you like this im not sure what you can do

This type of thing can be avoided.

I mean you must have been going around the house seething with resentment and bringing the vibe down

Why not just let people help you if they so wish? You were offered help but declined it based on age related bias

Ofc it’s rude to leave you out of the gifts but I think it send a loud and clear message - and not a nice one!

just don’t invite them next year

I don’t really want to have to tell another adult to go and wash up and dry up or be that blunt. I prefer an adult to have manners.
I’ve told dh that I am looking at flights for next year. He has replied he can’t afford it. I’ve said I’m going with my DCs.
I’ve also said I’m not hosting next year, what I really mean is that I’m not hosting his DCs again. I’m happy to have our parents but I’m not having his DCs again.
He is now accusing me of being in a mood.

You need to start using your words. You want DSC to know you want them to help without you asking. But they don't do they? You want DH to know when you say you're not hosting you mean you're not hosting his DC, but you won't say it.

You need to say what you want and how you will accept being treated, or you'll keep being treated like this.

Thinking about it, he always accuses me of being in a mood if I tell him how I feel about his daughters attitudes.
He will acknowledge that his none working daughter is lazy and bone idle- his words. He has also admitted that she is a disappointment and that he really, really is proud of my DCs and wishes they were his biological children.
He has also backed their mother in the past when she has asked dh to step in, again over the non working one being lazy and basically a pig in the house. He did not defend his dd then but agreed with his ex and told dd this.
It would just be nice for dh to say come on now both if you go and wash up. Sparkles and I have done all this for you.
Actually I believe they shouldn’t need asking but hey ho.
I’m not going to let it spoil today.

They are rude mean brats.
I would be in more than a move.
Sorry OP but you are a mug and mugs get used.
Stop doing anything further for his children.
Theirs is appalling behaviour.
Book a holiday early for Christmas and leave him to his children.

During this year if they are to visit, absent yourself or leave him to it.

Don't bother seething, just be firm with yourself that you are done.

So he criticises your children but you're not allowed to say a word about his .

Him and his adult children have no respect for you at all.

Did you ask them to bring some food to contribute? Did you ask them to help you in the kitchen? If not, then you are silly! You know they won't volunteer so if you don't ask you don't get.

I suspect your DH becomes defensive at any criticism of his DD’s because he is aware of his failings as a parent. Ultimately, his daughters don’t care to help because they don’t want to - they lack respect for anyone, not just you but also their father.

They buy a shared gift for their dad and grandparent, so basically doing the bare minimum of what would be expected. In comparison, your DC give a gift because they care.

I suspect your DH is embarrassed but doesn’t know how to change things.

Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate. Once you have decided on your boundaries, stick to them.

OP

i agree she sounds lazy etc but I think sometimes it is hard to take when an outsider criticises our kids

even if your kids are superior to his that’s not really going to help you change their attitude towards you

how about you just avoid them and go very low contact? It’s the easiest solution going forward

Did your DH drive if he is on that strong medication?

Yes I agree with the comments.
Just to reiterate. I did not say to everyone I don’t want help, nobody heard my mother ( who is old and frail) say it.
I specifically replied when mil asked dh if dh was ok, I was walking into the room at this point where everyone was sat and I said in a loud voice ‘No, dh is not ok and he should not be doing that. He has a bad back.’
I let this hang in the air until the boyfriend then got up and took over. Neither of the dsc got off their backsides. Even after being told that dh was not doing it. I then left the room. I had helped dh cart the furniture in and had helped him put it all together.
They still did not get up to help.
As the furniture had to be gotten out of the house I and the boyfriend carted it all to the car and loaded it up. They still sat on their backsides and did not offer to help.
Don’t worry, it won’t happen again.
Dh has said their houses are too small to host. I have no doubt in my mind that we won’t be invited anyway. They just go to their mothers ( who has a huge house) instead.
They are also going to mils today to be fed and waters free if charge but again, if she doesn’t do this then I doubt they would go.
I also heard one of them say their mother and step father are going on a luxury holiday next year and have suggested both dds go. The one who earns more than dh and I replied with well yes I’ll go but I’m not paying for it!
Explains a lot really.
I’m still trying hard not to tell dh my true feelings as I won’t be able to keep it light, I’ll just end up criticising his DDs and he will defend them, or if he doesn’t defend them what will it achieve?
It’s done now, they won’t change. I’m not hosting them next year so what is the point in causing a row? It will only hurt me.
I suppose it is also down to the fact that dh was the nrp and as such maybe was a Disney dad. I know he stopped paying for a lot of the things he did when he met me and saw how my dcs all earned money from having jobs from the age of 16, as well as studying. It made him realise that his DDs were being overindulged.
Anyway thank you all for the comments I appreciate them.

I spent literally years seething because I did all household chores myself and people ( ex mainly but kids too) didn't help me. I used to think why can't they see it would be good to wash up/do the hoovering/ put the washing away. Why are they so selfish that they let me do everything? Can't they see how unfair this is? Then I realised that I made their lives incredibly easy and they had got used to the dynamic. So I stopped, not dramatically really, but stopped doing everything and said please do ..... Remarkably the world didn't end, the roof didn't fall in and yes, they did/do their fair share. You have to use your words. Of course if after that people do fuck all that's quite a different matter.