To feel a bit miffed

[Sparklesandspandexgallore]

I can’t decide if I am being a grumpy old sod or not,
Yesterday we hosted Christmas Day.
My 2 adult step children and a boyfriend ( whom I had never met,) my mother and mil plus me and dh.
We have a small kitchen and the table does not accommodate 7 people. This meant we had to borrow a table and extra chairs from mil. She doesn’t use this table herself. It comes to pieces and is ancient and is kept in many pieces in her garage. Dh has a back injury and is still awaiting the results of medical tests to get to the bottom of it. He is on strong medication to cope with the pain and is on reduced hours at work and reduced pay.
Anyway, we managed to erect the thing.
None of his family drive, so dh had to pick them up and bring them over to ours.
Dh always gives his DCs money for their birthday and Christmas, this is what they ask for.
One of his dc earns more than either dh or do. The other one, who is also in their late 20s does not work and is a perpetual student. They have never had a job, not even a Saturday job. Their ambition is to stay at university and somehow obtain their dream job which apparently has nothing to do with the actual degree they are studying. Their partner works part time in retail and was also a student for many years.
When they arrived they gave dh one present between them worth about £15. The boyfriend also gave dh a token present. They didn’t give me anything. Not even box of biscuits or a bottle of wine.
Nothing.
Neither my step children nor the boyfriend contributed one single item towards Christmas lunch.
Afterwards, they sat there and watched dh struggling to dismantle the ancient rickety table, until I told him to stop as I could see he was in pain. Mil asked dh if he was alright and I said no, he isn’t he has a bad back and cannot do this. At this point the boyfriend then got up and dismantled the table. The boyfriend and I then carried all the parts plus the chairs out of the room and loaded them back into the car. We do not have room in our house to store this table nor do I want it in my house.
I then washed the entire dishes by hand. Unfortunately we don’t have a dish washer. I dried everything myself and put everything away. I don’t expect mil or my mother to help, they deserve a rest. My mother did ask if I wanted her to help but she is elderly as is mil. They have done their share of this over the years.
However, I was annoyed at my step children, who just sat there without one of them offering to help.
I have DCs who are younger than my step children. They are not with us over the main Christmas holidays.
They bought dh a present- each I should add not one shared present. I know 100% that if my children had sat there exactly like my dsc did, dh would have been very annoyed and told me so.
Yesterday I was upset and thought they are ungrateful brats. How rude to turn up empty handed, dish out presents to their grandma and father and not me, then sit there as if they are paying guests.
Dh came into the kitchen and offered to help dry up but I told him to go back. Tbh I wanted to be on my own to seethe!
I haven’t criticised his family but I have told him that next year, I won’t be hosting.
To add, dh and his ex wife have been divorced a long time. She committed adultery. I was not the ow. They tell dh they like me and that I am a lot nicer than his ex partner. Well maybe the ex partner wasn’t so nice if they behaved like this.
Before Covid dh would drive twice a week to pick dsc up, bring them to ours and cook dinner for them. They never lifted a finger to help and I always made a point of telling dh I found this rude. They were adults then, not children.
When my dc did the same dh would moan.
I’m currently looking at flights for next year and contemplating going away with my DCs with or without dh.
I don’t know whether to tell dh how I feel but I know he will defend his DCs.
Thanks if you got to the end of this.
Dh is not lazy. He does a lot of chores. I won’t be ltb over this but Christ if he ever criticises my dcs I think my head will explode with what I have to say about his dcs.
Does anyone have tips on how to let this go and not seethe with resentment?
If I mention it I just know it will end in an almighty row with my telling sh exactly what I think if his dcs and it will not be pretty.
I don’t want it to spoilt today as we have great plans to go out.
Thanks if you have got to the end of this.

Not giving you a gift is disgusting. They are thoughess and lazy.

Tell DH calmly what you think of their attitude yesterday and announce that you'll probably go away next Christmas, then just walk away. Let him stew in that.

They still did not get up to help.

To simply say ”Do you mind helping with the table?” is not critisicing though. It’s just asking for help.

Same as ”If I do the washing up will you dry, it will be faster. Thanks.”

Oh dh has now said he wants us to go away for Christmas next year!

Oh and both my mum and mil were extremely grateful and said how much they had enjoyed it.
Dsc did not thank me! Neither did the boyfriend.
God I’m sounding like this is all that matters, it really isn’t.
I just wasn’t sure if I’m over reacting.
I cannot imagine turning up for Christmas lunch empty handed or hading out gifts and leaving one person out.
Hell, even my insufferable boss handed me a present as I left work, totally unexpected but even they appreciated me.

I thought he said he couldn't afford it Leave him to his horrible family and holiday with your children and maybe DM.

Are you sure you want to stay married to him? He sounds like a prick. January is a popular time to split up.

I’ve bought gifts for in-laws step children when I know they will be present. I’ve invited them to the dcs party’s when they have been staying with my bil etc. Always met with much appreciation.
I just couldn’t blatantly hand out gifts and leave one family member out.

Op, you need to voice and own your own opinions.
Yes, I am in a mood. I am upset that your daughters and their partners did not offer to help us with anything during Christmas dinner when even my elderly mother offered to assist with the dishes. DH, do you think I just should have asked them to help more? (You already know that you should have asked.)
You should also clarify that you thought your husband helped as best he could and that his kids should have helped, voluntarily, when they saw him struggling.

Next year options ..
Dont host.
Do host but with contributions from guests.
Send out messages of what each guest could bring.
Hold a Secret Santa and notify in March who every one is buying for.
Ask one of your kids to host.
Go away for Christmas. (invite DH)

Well you are in a mood. By the sounds of it you don't get in a mood enough.

Mood: disgusted.

DP your daughters are basically feral. They don’t know how to be good daughters, good guests, or even decent acquaintances. When invited for an important holiday meal adult persons ( family or otherwise) 1) bring thoughtful hostess gifts, 2) pitch in as needed with buying, cooking, serving, and clean up. If a family member brings a plus one they 1) notify the host in advance and 2) bring domething extra to symbolically balance the extra guest cost.

Simple, when you needed help you should have asked. Too late now, no good seething over something that's already occurred.
Personally, I think going on holiday next year with out your DH is likely to drive a wedge between you and certainly not resolve how you feel. Do you really want to spend the next 12 months plotting on getting your own back on his children?
Just have Christmas with him, your Mil and your own DM. You've told them already that you're not hosting the rest of them next year. Keep it nice and simple ( you could even treat your mothers to Xmas dinner at a restaurant,)
There are no living martyrs and too many women sacrifice their time and energy at this time of year

Clearly his dds are useless. You should have asked them to help. Insisted they help. They sound vile.

And yes you are in a mood. Damn right and so you should be.

Absolutely book flights with your dcs and get away next year. Your dh might have back issues but his voice works fine.

Do not host these freeloaders again.

Don't host again but alot of ppl in their 20s generally are just still kids in my opinion and wouldn't be expected to help unless asked, they have their own agendas!! To let it go, realise that you did a nice thing asking and hosting and doing all the clearing up because that's who you are. The others are who they are (selfish) and there's nothing you can do except learn the lesson for next time and hold your head high and move on - oh and a few subtle digs if the right time arises!! But don't dwell on it :-)

Don't be a party to this evidently exploitative situation again next year or ever. Stay firm in your intention to remove yourself from this situation next time round: Do not tango with thoughtless, exploitative bunch of adults. The more you dance around or with them, the longer this situation will go on. They'll learn nothing and you'll be treat as a mug. I'm a a very old grandad so I can see more clearly the dynamics of such situations. Sorry that you have ended up in this mad social, exploitative, a "complex-family" dance. Better control next year -- but slow and steady action, planning, language (speaking you mind, gently) starts now. You also owe it to the youngsters (to "teach" or "train them) that they learn to "socialise" to include everyone on family occasions and take responsibility, starting now! Good luck.

This is exactly why when DH croaks it, I will not be searching for anyone else to marry. I don't want to get involved with other people's children in my own family. Why complicate life, its bloody tough enough as is.

Next time order a takeaway and eat on your lap with family. Don't be a martyr. You can't change others behaviour, but you can change how you react to them.

They might be put off coming for Christmas Dinner to yours next time.

Very long post and nowhere do you mention what presents you bought them? Always find it odd when people tot up how much they think a gift has cost..

Yes they should have offered to help clear up. You seem to be very upset at the table situation. The table being in your house is not their fault.

Why didn't your husband say anything to his children about them not helping?

This post is disgusting.

TBH, I'd have marched into the living room, dishtowel in hand and a cheery grin, "I can leave the washing up to you, DSC, can't I? As I cooked everything!"

Act with an air of expecting people to do the right thing, and in my experience, most people respond appropriately.

The trouble with passive/aggressive responses and behaviour like yours is

1. it can fall on deaf ears

2.you become the arse/problem 3.you still don't get what you want You should have been assertive and stated you needed and wanted, it gets easier the more you do it and everyone knows where they stand. Walking in and alluding to his back problem was not the way. Why didn't you just directly say "who's helping with the table as DH can't do it? Right let's crack on, everyone ready?" Also " I'm washing up, Alice and Mary and Tom can you guys do the drying when I've finished, thanks so much." It's much better to be assertively expecting than passively seething in my opinion! Also, regarding next year, it sounds like they are going to their Mum's anyway so not your monkeys etc. Just concentrate on you and your kids having a lovely time Honestly OP, learn to treat them as you find them, be assertive but NICELY and they have no comeback or anyway to say Dads other half is a right moaning hard work woman! If you are with their Dad for the long haul it's in your own interests to keep things civil, light but have boundaries and definitely DON'T make it into a competition about your kids being nicer, better brought up etc. that way lies madness!

I can never understand people who are irritated and upset that those around don’t offer offer to help and then seethe silently. No way would I have washed a pile of dishes by myself after prepping and cooked a meal when there were other able adults to help -mI’d have walked into the living room and said DSD1, DS2 and boyfriend - will the please of you wash/dry the dishes and dismantle the table. Thanks. If they had refused, my reply would be, that’s the last meal I’ll ever be cooking for any of you.

Stop hosting or if you do have to, tell them what to bring eg the booze/cheese/desserts for however many people. I can’t understand why you didn’t poke them with a ruddy great stick to get up and wash up. I had tea at a family member’s yesterday, I brought the booze, offered to clear/serve/wash up. Why didn’t you tell them, given you presumably shopped, prepped, cooked? You’ve been a bit of a martyr. I wouldn’t have kept quiet. ‘I made dinner, you three are clearing/washing up. Thanks.’

@Ilovemeggy38

im with you on this one - I’d try to mention it - although I sympathise with the op I wonder if her vibe was coming across as pissed off on the day - they’d have probably relished this upset!

It’s highly likely they just don’t like her - she could have been any woman - it’s then not you op

Yeah being a grump. If you want them to help, just say “well that was a nice meal, let’s all get tidied up - you and you, can you help with this and you and you can you help with this”. But you didn’t and now you’re talking about abandoning your other half for Xmas. Seems a bit of an over reaction.

This.

You need to use your words instead of expecting people to be mind readers.

Also you should have helped with the table, instead of knowing he'd struggle on his own and waiting to use it as a reason to be passive-aggressive.

I think by that point you were in such a mood that even if they had helped you would have told them they were doing everything wrong.

then sit there as if they are paying guests.

But then they wouldn’t be guests, they’d be customers

I am going to tell you the same as l told another put upon Mum , only difference was it was her own Ds who treated her badly , next year, book a holiday to Barbados and sod the lot of them .