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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler kicking my seat at theatre

55 replies

RSS24 · 26/12/2024 01:04

Went with my DD14 to our local theatre on Xmas eve. A yearly tradition since my DD was 4, a lovely Xmas themed play.

This time, behind my seat was sat a mum with her toddler DD2 on her lap. In the few minutes before the play started, the toddler was kicking my seat. My hair is long and she managed to kick and drag my hair with her foot along the back of the seat and I yelped ouch and turned around, which was noted by the mum. I thought with this would be the end of the kicking.

However much of the first half of the show (approx 1 hour), the toddler was kicking the back of my seat. I wasn't able to relax, I tied my hair up, and sat forward a little as I was worried that I'd get kicked on the back of my head. I didn't say anything to the mum as I thought she would stop her DD kicking and also didn't want to create a bad atmosphere.

The toddler was rather unsettled in the second half and began to cry quite loudly, lots of unhappy looks from others in the audience, so her mum took her outside and didn't return. I was able to sit back and relax at this point and this made me think maybe I should have said something earlier, asking the mum to stop her toddler kicking my seat. However, in 10 years of going to family Xmas performances at this theatre, I have never experienced this. I could also see this was a mum trying to do something nice on Xmas eve with her toddler DD.

So my AIBU:

YABU: If you wanted the child not to kick your seat you should have said something to the parent.

YANBU: You shouldn't have to ask a parent to stop their toddler kicking your seat, it's the parent's responsibility and normal theatre etiquette.

Genuinely interested to hear what others would have done!

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 26/12/2024 01:11

Well after the first 5 minutes it was obvious that the mother wasn’t going to make them stop so you should have turned round and asked her to do so . In a perfect world she would have stopped the behaviour without you needing to bother . Sadly far too many people now think they / their offspring can do as they please and sod everybody else .

Winter2020 · 26/12/2024 01:16

I was going on holiday once when my son was a toddler and the lady in front turned around very pissed off and hissed at me to stop my toddler kicking her seat. I was mortified as I hadn't noticed (his little legs didn't really hang down more straight across) but I just wished she had let me know straight away before she had got really pissed off.

Your lady in the theatre has obviously had to abandon the show as her child wasn't coping so I would assume that she had a shit evening if that helps at all. You should have told her straight away.

KrisAkabusi · 26/12/2024 01:20

You shouldn't have to ask, but when the other parent did nothing, you should have turned and said something.

TheClawDecides · 26/12/2024 01:27

"Excuse me, can you stop your toddler kicking my chair please?"

That ^^ is such a normal, basic level of communication that SO MANY women on Mumsnet seem to have alarming difficulty with.

I wonder if it's years and years of internet/texting/emailing or something that's stopped people verbally communicating normal things?

It's sadly becoming so common.

ThisIsSockward · 26/12/2024 01:35

There's a reason many on MN (and elsewhere in the world) hesitate to speak up: People in general are less considerate than they once were, and they can be quite aggressive when confronted with even a polite, reasonable request.

This woman knew her child was kicking the seat, but she chose to do nothing to prevent it. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth the risk to ask for consideration, especially when it should be so obvious.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 26/12/2024 02:10

You shouldn't have to ask, however, some parents won't deal with this behaviour, so in those cases, I absolutely will turn around and politely ask them to get them to stop. If they don't, they'll get a second, firmer instruction this time.

I absolutely would not have put up with this for the entire first half!! Nor would I ever let my children behave like this.

ThinWomansBrain · 26/12/2024 02:14

You shouldn't have had to, if the Mother had been more aware, but as she clearly wasn't or chose to ignore the kicking, you should have turned round and told her - possibly waiting until there was a pause for a scene change etc - but to not even bother at the interval?

pizzaHeart · 26/12/2024 02:16

ThisIsSockward · 26/12/2024 01:35

There's a reason many on MN (and elsewhere in the world) hesitate to speak up: People in general are less considerate than they once were, and they can be quite aggressive when confronted with even a polite, reasonable request.

This woman knew her child was kicking the seat, but she chose to do nothing to prevent it. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth the risk to ask for consideration, especially when it should be so obvious.

I voted YABU but I certainly agree with this^.

DarkForces · 26/12/2024 04:21

I've asked people to stop their child kicking my seat a few times. It annoys me that I have to but it's always worked.

Fraaances · 26/12/2024 04:30

You shouldn’t HAVE to, but she didn’t do anything. In that case, you ABSOLUTELY say something. You didn’t pay for that shit. I’m glad she didn’t come back.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 26/12/2024 04:35

Both your voting options.

Of course the mother should have stopped it straight away, but since she didn’t you were welcome to have asked her to stop.

Why are we so reluctant to use our words?

DarkForces · 26/12/2024 04:37

ThisIsSockward · 26/12/2024 01:35

There's a reason many on MN (and elsewhere in the world) hesitate to speak up: People in general are less considerate than they once were, and they can be quite aggressive when confronted with even a polite, reasonable request.

This woman knew her child was kicking the seat, but she chose to do nothing to prevent it. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth the risk to ask for consideration, especially when it should be so obvious.

It's the theatre, not the Wild West. If someone gets aggressive they'll be thrown out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2024 04:56

Both of your voting options are valid. You shouldn’t have to ask. But you should ask if it doesn’t stop.

useitorlose · 26/12/2024 05:12

I would ask, and if the problem persisted and was impacting my enjoyment of the experience I have paid for, I would ask the staff to intervene.

Edizzler25 · 26/12/2024 05:26

Could have been toddlers first time or something and the mother was just testing the water to see if they’d be able to sit still? I do have some sympathy as my DS would never sit still at this sort of thing around 2 so we left it a whole year and tried again when he was 3 and he had improved.

she did leave eventually though!

Original poster
RSS24 · 26/12/2024 09:48

Thanks for your replies. Yes, in retrospect, I should have said something to the mum early on. I'm not someone who has a problem using my words in everyday life!

For the reasons mentioned by PPs, I held back saying something on this occasion. Combination of fear of an aggressive response and my own consideration for a mum trying out a new experience for her toddler. It's a long time ago now, but I remember times when I misjudged what my toddler would manage.

Unfortunately in the past, when politely asking for consideration in a similar-ish situation in a theme park, I was met with aggression and racist language in front of my child, which was horrible. I appreciate that my own experiences make me reluctant to approach a stranger in a case like this. If it were a friend/family member's child, I would have had no problem.

But maybe 'its not that deep', as my teen DD would tell me! Certainly next time anything like this happens I will say something.

OP posts:
Comff · 26/12/2024 09:53

She shouldn’t have let him kick the seat but your hair shouldn’t have been dangling over the back of the chair to where his feet and legs were. I’ve had that before and had someone else’s hair brushing my knees, so gross. Tuck it between you and your chair.

BarbaraHoward · 26/12/2024 09:58

You can say something in a super polite chatty way.

I had my 4yo on my lap at a thing recently and you can't really see what their feet are doing in that position, between balancing her, trying not to kick over the popcorn, juggle the coats, answer her questions etc etc etc it took me a minute to notice she was rhythmically kicking the seat in front. Obviously at that point I stopped her but of course I wouldn't have minded the guy turning around and asking her to stop.

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 26/12/2024 10:01

When you didn’t say anything she may have been hoping you didn’t mind it. She didn’t necessarily know you were sat there fuming.

Gem359 · 26/12/2024 10:10

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 26/12/2024 10:01

When you didn’t say anything she may have been hoping you didn’t mind it. She didn’t necessarily know you were sat there fuming.

Who doesn't mind having the back of their chair kicked? It's absolutely horrible! I had a child behind my on an aeroplane kicking the back of my seat, the mother was completely ineffective so I didn't think there was much point saying anything to her. So i turned and through the gap between the chairs I glared at the child and hissed 'stop it'. The child looked very taken a back at someone actually telling her off and did calm down for a while at least.

Thank god she eventually left OP! I think it's a bad idea to have your hair over the back of the chair though, not because it's gross 🙄but because it does put it at risk of being accidentally pulled if people shift around or get up to go toilet. I'd also feel uncomfortable sitting behind you in case i accidentally pulled it.

poetryandwine · 26/12/2024 10:13

You should have felt free to tell her politely that her toddler was kicking your seat and needed to stop. I am very sorry you have been a victim of racism in similar past situations.

However I think @Comff has raised an interesting point about long hair. I had not thought about this before, but none of us should be dangling our hair into other peoples’ spaces. It isn’t clear whether the toddler was making even greater mischief than we might expect, or whether your hair was in their space. Your post and @Comff’s have reminded me that I need to tuck my hair between me and the back of my seat.

Soccermumamir · 26/12/2024 10:15

I would of told the woman to sort her kid out or I would be speaking to one of the ushers. I don't know why people take very young children to these things if they know they can't sit still. It can't be an enjoyable experience for the parent either.

dancinfeet · 26/12/2024 10:16

you should have said something straight away, but she should have made sure that her child behaved themselves. We had a 5 year old kicking my teenage DDs seat at a Lion King west end performance whilst monologuing constantly what/why/how about what was going on in the story, I told the mother to make him stop. She responded with a load of shit and excuses about him being little, first time at the theatre etc but didn’t tell him to stop and behave. When he put his feet on the back of my DDs seat and kicked her in the back of the head and neck I turned round and told the boy off directly as the parent clearly wasn’t going to. After that he miraculously behaved for the rest of the show. no point sitting there getting angry at the parent and kid if you weren’t willing to say something.

nodramaplz · 26/12/2024 10:29

Maybe should have said something instead of not saying and getting so annoyed it's almost the mother's fault.

Anyway, I'm not sure why it's even an issue when the poor lady left anyway!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/12/2024 10:32

I think I've turned round and said directly to the toddler, "If you don't stop kicking my seat Santa will bring you lumps of coal instead of presents."

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