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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that partner shouted at me on Christmas Day

80 replies

Februarygirl · 25/12/2024 21:23

I'll try not to go into all the petty details, but basically this afternoon (Christmas Day) my partner lost it with me, shouting, pointing his finger in my face and calling me a fing c in front of the children (3 and 5). Then more shouting saying that after Christmas he is f*ing leaving because he can't live with me any more. Then he started sort of roaring and both me and our 5 year old were crying because he was scaring us.

This was on the face of it because of some miscommunication about what time dinner was going to be. He then said (shouted) that he shouldn't have lost his temper, but it was my fault because he was tired. He was tired because we were up until 12.30 last night laying out the presents for the children, and the reason we were doing that so late (he says) is because I had made dinner late.

Basically his point is that I never listen to him, am never on time, and this causes chaos which then makes him look like the bad guy because he loses his rag.

This kind of thing happens all the time. In the moment I feel like it isn't fair but I can't keep to my train of thought. He bombards me with accusations about all the things I do wrong and how selfish I am. I am in floods of tears and can't think of anything to say, I just try and talk calmly and say, well, can't we just move on? Any way I try to defend myself or disagree with him he either shouts me down or just goes, "Oh ok" in a horrible voice.

So I feel that he has ruined Christmas, and I don't know where to go from here. However he thinks I have ruined it by being chaotic.

I don't really know how to change if it is my fault. I don't really believe I am chaotic, just sometimes we're not on completely the same wavelength. He is quite an angry person a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Frankbeverleyandthebutlers · 26/12/2024 02:55

Februarygirl · 25/12/2024 22:39

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply on your own Christmases.

He has always been like this but it's getting worse. I think he carries a lot of stress, and life with small children isn't easy, but I know in my heart it can't be ok to behave like that.

I feel so sad about it as I just want us to be a family. When he's nice he's really fun and a lovely dad, but at the drop of a hat he can be like this, and I know it can't go on. I'm just so sad that it's come to this.

And therein lies the problem it's getting worse, you and the children will be conditioned into not upsetting him constantly walking on eggshells.
I'm sick of seeing these threads because of abusive men and repeating myself of my own experiences in a DV household.

The memories of seeing, hearing, experiences of DV and abuse and having violence used against me as a child leaves its mark and I'm talking decades later don't let it be your child.
And the the first hit will come eventually and once that line is crossed it's the go to to make you compliant.

FatFiatMultiplaWhopper · 26/12/2024 03:45

You need to leave ASAP to stop him causing further damage to your children. Sorry but your dreams are irrelevant now, you need to protect your kids.

IdylicDay · 26/12/2024 03:58

Please get him to leave now, call the police to do it. Call your father or any brothers/uncles etc you can rope in to go to your house and get him to leave. Those poor children especially the 5 year old is going to remember this Christmas. Believe me, children remember. Do you really want their childhood and their childhood memories being destroyed like this? Its not fair on you to live with an abusive partner, but its especially NOT fair on your poor innocent vulnerable children. Please don't make this their childhood. Get him to leave now. Today even.

Ladybyrd · 26/12/2024 04:10

*He has always been like this but it's getting worse. I think he carries a lot of stress, and life with small children isn't easy, but I know in my heart it can't be ok to behave like that.

I feel so sad about it as I just want us to be a family. When he's nice he's really fun and a lovely dad, but at the drop of a hat he can be like this, and I know it can't go on. I'm just so sad that it's come to this.*

I think you need to say all of this to him, while the kids aren't around, obviously. Sometimes when a partner asks for a divorce, the other one is completely blindsided. However, this shows your situation is becoming untenable, and you're on the verge of checking out emotionally. If you think he's capable of change, you should give him an ultimatum. If he just becomes abusive again, unfortunately I think you have your answer.

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/12/2024 04:30

There is in most cases where you have young children an inevitable element of chaos but let's say for argument's sake that you are in fact very chaotic and disorganised and your DH just can't bear it. That would not in any way, shape or form give your DH the right to roar and shout at you like that, especially in front of the kids. If he finds you that hard to live with then he should take steps to separate, not continue to terrorise his family in that way. Please seek help from Women's Aid.

Fraaances · 26/12/2024 04:33

Grab his banking details and pack his bags, put them outside the door and tell him to leave quietly. Why do you allow this monster to frighten your kids and you like this?

Starlight7080 · 26/12/2024 05:17

Is he your children's dad?
You need to stop thinking about it in terms of you and him and think just about how you two being together has a negative impact on your children .
Nothing about his behaviour today can be explained away
He is an adult and should be able to control his temper .
Stop pretending if he is OK half the time then everything will be fine .
If my children's dad made them cry on Christmas day by losing his temper over ridiculous things he would not be living with us anymore .

lifesrichpageant · 26/12/2024 05:28

OP there is nothing okay about this, there is no other 'point of view' or second opinion on this, what an awful and terrible situation. Please find support for yourself and the children. Start reading about power and control and coercive control/DV. This is not.okay.

ApparentlyRockBottomHasABasement · 26/12/2024 05:58

Protect your children and get rid of him.
Is the house/tenancy yours or his?
DM set up home with someone like this when I was 14. I left as soon as I could, as did my siblings. Although they split up after a decade it has had a lifelong effect on me, I’m now in my 50’s.

Christmasmorale · 26/12/2024 06:02

Februarygirl · 25/12/2024 22:39

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply on your own Christmases.

He has always been like this but it's getting worse. I think he carries a lot of stress, and life with small children isn't easy, but I know in my heart it can't be ok to behave like that.

I feel so sad about it as I just want us to be a family. When he's nice he's really fun and a lovely dad, but at the drop of a hat he can be like this, and I know it can't go on. I'm just so sad that it's come to this.

Please leave even if only for your children’s sake so they can have a childhood and nice Christmas memories that they don’t associate with fear, abuse and their mum crying.

hattie43 · 26/12/2024 06:13

Anyone calling me a fucking cunt would be history whether in front of the children or not . You may or may not be chaotic we don't know but his behaviour is not acceptable whatever the situation .

Ahugaday · 26/12/2024 06:32

OP I am so sorry this has been your experience on Christmas for you and your children. You sound very like my friend who is an emotionally abusive relationship. Her partner goes to town with this sort of language and behaviour usually when he’s being asked to step up or a minor inconvenience. She minimises this all the time and will say he struggles to control his feelings. He’s a 50 year old man! This is awful that it’s directed to you but as others have said the impact this will have on your wee ones will be lasting. You need to prioritise them, split from this man and ensure they never experience this again. You sound like a great mum as is my friend but pick your children’s mental and emotional wellbeing over this crackpot!

Petrasings · 26/12/2024 06:34

Having a family unit as you imagine it to be is not a good enough reason to make your small children live in fear, crying and terrified of his outbursts.
Their childhood is being utterly ruined, storing up so many problems for them further down the line, that is likely to break your heart far more than leaving this bully. Ask him to go. He isn’t lovely, he is tyrant and he will ruin your lives entirely in time.You have a chance to change things op. Please take it.

Londonrach1 · 26/12/2024 07:21

Why you waiting until after Christmas....this abusive man needs to go now. Make sure you keep yourself and your children safe.

ClairDeLaLune · 26/12/2024 10:01

Fraaances · 26/12/2024 04:33

Grab his banking details and pack his bags, put them outside the door and tell him to leave quietly. Why do you allow this monster to frighten your kids and you like this?

Fuck off with your victim blaming. Nobody is to blame except OP’s horrible abusive partner. Exactly how do you suggest OP should have stopped this from happening?

OP I’m so sorry your dreams of a happy family life have been shattered like this. I’m afraid that will never be possible with this man. You need to separate for your and your kids’ safety and sanity.

AshCrapp · 26/12/2024 10:43

I recognise this too, and have been there. Screaming in your face and making it all about "what you're fucking like" , "it's your own fucking fault" , he can't help it, "you make me shout at you because you're so fucking annoying".

It's abuse. There is no other word for it. You need to leave.

It's often special days that make you realise something's not right. In my case, it was screaming at me and driving too fast to frighten me on DC's third birthday. In your case it's your five year old crying on Christmas day. Do you know that they'll remember this? At five, they will remember this Christmas. What you want to make sure is they also remember how you responded: by kicking your husband out and making sure that you and DC never spend another Christmas being abused.

Original poster
Februarygirl · 26/12/2024 11:44

Thank you everyone, I've read all of the posts. I really needed this yesterday as I didn't want to message my sister or any of my friends and give them something to worry about.

Partner is out now with the kids and I am going to look at solicitors.

He is playing nicely with them this morning - this is why it is so hard, he is like two different people. I am sure there is ND and MH stuff going on with him, but he knows that too and has known it for a long time, and even uses it as an excuse. I think now that he has to try and sort himself out so that he can be a parent, as someone said on here, but we can't do it as a family any more.

Last year something like this happened on our first family holiday, and he ruined it, so this year I took the kids away on my own. So if we stay together, next year we have to have Christmas on our own so he doesn't ruin that too? I am starting to accept that we are not really a family unit any more any way.

I imagine we will have to do some sort of joint custody thing, and I feel hollow at the thought that some nights the children will not be with me, which is another reason I have hesitated so long, but I have to hope this will be better for them than the current situation.

OP posts:
WinterBones · 26/12/2024 11:56

Op.. i know the 'joint custody' thing is scary.. i put up with it until my kids were 7 and 10, and it was too long. He's only ever bothered having them every other weekend, and it was awful handing them over every time, and yes, he was still an angry, shouty asshole.

But you know what? At that point, my kids had a happy, healthy, fun, loving, supportive home with me, and the only damage he was doing was to his relationship with them.

They're both older teens now, they still see him, but they rarely visit outside of his weekend, don't really talk to him between times.

As long as you love them, they will always be safe and loved with you. Don't be afraid to walk away because of them having to spend time with him.

Ladybyrd · 26/12/2024 12:22

If you're already planning to go away with the kids next Christmas so he doesn't ruin it, I think the situation sounds pretty irredeemable and you're being sensible looking at divorce lawyers. I'd be communicating everything you've said here to him but he sounds like a bully and you can't. Sounds like he needs to move out.

GabriellaMontez · 26/12/2024 12:24

Christmas is often tiring and stressful. So are lots of things in life. Sometimes things don't happen on the schedule we were expecting or wanted.

His response is absolutely disgusting. It's not normal. It's not OK. Please leave this awful excuse for a man. I hope you and your children never spend another christmas with him.

Everlygreen · 26/12/2024 12:26

Yanbu, no acceptable reason ever to speak to you like that, let alone in front of the kids.

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 26/12/2024 12:40

Februarygirl · 26/12/2024 11:44

Thank you everyone, I've read all of the posts. I really needed this yesterday as I didn't want to message my sister or any of my friends and give them something to worry about.

Partner is out now with the kids and I am going to look at solicitors.

He is playing nicely with them this morning - this is why it is so hard, he is like two different people. I am sure there is ND and MH stuff going on with him, but he knows that too and has known it for a long time, and even uses it as an excuse. I think now that he has to try and sort himself out so that he can be a parent, as someone said on here, but we can't do it as a family any more.

Last year something like this happened on our first family holiday, and he ruined it, so this year I took the kids away on my own. So if we stay together, next year we have to have Christmas on our own so he doesn't ruin that too? I am starting to accept that we are not really a family unit any more any way.

I imagine we will have to do some sort of joint custody thing, and I feel hollow at the thought that some nights the children will not be with me, which is another reason I have hesitated so long, but I have to hope this will be better for them than the current situation.

Why would you stay together? Why on earth are you allowing your children to be scared by this horrible man? Why are you not protecting them from this?

ND? WHO CARES?? It doesn’t excuse this shocking behaviour.

Stress? WHO CARES? It doesn’t excuse his behaviour.

He is choosing to behave this way. He is choosing to rant and rave (and apparently to fucking roar) until his small children are in tears. Why are you letting him do this?

Stop making excuses for him. Stop letting him ruin holidays, and Christmas, and birthdays and no doubt any occasion when you are having fun and he wants to take the shine off it and make you miserable. He’s choosing to ruin these days. Instead of going on holiday without him or celebrating Christmas/special occasions without him, just crack on with life, without him.

Genuinely hope you aren’t back on here in a few months complaining about how he’s raged until the kids were sobbing hysterically, and you were upset, again. Because if you are then that’s on you for letting it carry on. They deserve better. They deserve not to be scared by a ranting adult. It must be terrifying for them.

This is it. End of the road.

Wishing you the best x

Planesmistakenforstars · 26/12/2024 12:56

I think he carries a lot of stress

I am sure there is ND and MH stuff going on with him... and even uses it as an excuse.

Ask yourself, does he behave this way at work? Does he behave this way to his friends? Does he behave this way in public? He is choosing to abuse you, regardless of what issues he has.

susieguert · 26/12/2024 13:24

I read threads like this and wonder if it's a disease these men have.

Fraaances · 26/12/2024 13:25

Are you a stress ball? A punching bag? Or a human? Get out before he hurts you.

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