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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that partner shouted at me on Christmas Day

80 replies

Februarygirl · 25/12/2024 21:23

I'll try not to go into all the petty details, but basically this afternoon (Christmas Day) my partner lost it with me, shouting, pointing his finger in my face and calling me a fing c in front of the children (3 and 5). Then more shouting saying that after Christmas he is f*ing leaving because he can't live with me any more. Then he started sort of roaring and both me and our 5 year old were crying because he was scaring us.

This was on the face of it because of some miscommunication about what time dinner was going to be. He then said (shouted) that he shouldn't have lost his temper, but it was my fault because he was tired. He was tired because we were up until 12.30 last night laying out the presents for the children, and the reason we were doing that so late (he says) is because I had made dinner late.

Basically his point is that I never listen to him, am never on time, and this causes chaos which then makes him look like the bad guy because he loses his rag.

This kind of thing happens all the time. In the moment I feel like it isn't fair but I can't keep to my train of thought. He bombards me with accusations about all the things I do wrong and how selfish I am. I am in floods of tears and can't think of anything to say, I just try and talk calmly and say, well, can't we just move on? Any way I try to defend myself or disagree with him he either shouts me down or just goes, "Oh ok" in a horrible voice.

So I feel that he has ruined Christmas, and I don't know where to go from here. However he thinks I have ruined it by being chaotic.

I don't really know how to change if it is my fault. I don't really believe I am chaotic, just sometimes we're not on completely the same wavelength. He is quite an angry person a lot of the time.

OP posts:
TallNeckedGiraffe · 25/12/2024 21:54

Then he started sort of roaring and both me and our 5 year old were crying because he was scaring us.

Your child has one childhood. It will be destroyed if you do not get away from this abusive fucker.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 25/12/2024 21:56

You can't let your children hear that again. This has to be enough. You must know how much this is damaging them.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 25/12/2024 22:26

As per all of the other posters, this man is abusive and you really need to end this relationship ASAP.

Please plan this as a matter of urgency as exposing your children to his aggressive behaviour will cause them trauma. Please leave him or get him to leave as soon as possible.

Do you need any support from us for the practicalities or financials of ending the relationship?

xyz111 · 25/12/2024 22:32

You're damaging your children by staying in a relationship with it. Make good on his treats about leaving after Xmas.

xyz111 · 25/12/2024 22:32

Threats not treats!!

FiatMultiplaWhopper · 25/12/2024 22:34

Your poor kids. Get out of there OP what are you thinking!

ThisWormHasTurned · 25/12/2024 22:36

I distinctly remember a crunch moment in the run up to Christmas when my H (now XH!) had created a drama (I can’t even remember why, just how I felt). He yelled, DD was crying and wouldn’t come downstairs, I had an injury and physically couldn’t get upstairs to comfort her…so we were both crying while he refused to do anything. I knew in that moment I had to get us out of that environment. I asked for a separation in the New Year. Every Christmas since, I am filled with joy that he’s not here bringing us down.
Please, please give yourself and your DC the best gift ever and get yourselves away from this man. It was honestly the best decision I ever made.

MaggieBsBoat · 25/12/2024 22:38

Next time, for your safety and to make it easier. Say yes you’re right. I’m obviously terrible. Let’s call it a day. I’ll speak to a lawyer in the next week or so and organise our separation asap. As of now, we are no longer together. Thanks for your input. Then breathe deep and walk away.

Original poster
Februarygirl · 25/12/2024 22:39

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply on your own Christmases.

He has always been like this but it's getting worse. I think he carries a lot of stress, and life with small children isn't easy, but I know in my heart it can't be ok to behave like that.

I feel so sad about it as I just want us to be a family. When he's nice he's really fun and a lovely dad, but at the drop of a hat he can be like this, and I know it can't go on. I'm just so sad that it's come to this.

OP posts:
RochelleGoyle · 25/12/2024 22:42

Love to you OP. I recognise what you have described so well, and it is abusive. I hope you know that.

CheeseyOnionPie · 25/12/2024 22:44

OP he is not normal. None of the situations you described warrant that sort of reaction from him. He is an abusive man. You need to leave him.

sherbertcandy · 25/12/2024 22:50

It's probably not what you want to hear but I see you making excuses for him but your children saw it and that may well stay with them for a long time. You need to leave and leave now for you and your children's health and safety please

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 25/12/2024 22:53

He is abusive so although I’d want to I probably wouldn’t tell him to fuck off in case he got physical. But you don’t have to live like this and should find a safe way to tell him it’s over.

Has it ever occurred to him to pull his finger out and make the bloody dinner himself?

Groul · 25/12/2024 22:54

Everyone loses it occasionally, but swearing and pointing in your face is completely unacceptable because it causes fear.

It sounds as if he has always been angry, but that this is now escalating in intensity and frequency. It's very easy for people to say 'get out', but hard to do in reality if things are otherwise good. I think the key thing OP is how often this happens and whether he is willing to work on it. From what you write it doesn't seem as though he understands how unacceptable this is. Unfortunately this type of behaviour can only be resolved with serious hard work on self-care and anger management and it doesn't sound as if he is going to be up for that.

The key thing to remember is that it is not your fault. Even if dinner is late or whatever else, the appropriate response is never shouting and aggression. His behaviour is 100% unjustified and you should not tolerate it.

BigSilly · 25/12/2024 22:56

He has anger problems op. Yes, maybe (and I say maybe) you do do things that are frustrating and annoying, but that is no way to respond. He needs to find better ways to manage his stress and anger, and unless and until he does, you cannot be together, and even more definitely not with children in the mix.

ChellyT · 25/12/2024 23:02

Tubetrain · 25/12/2024 21:24

You don't know where to go from here? Out the door with your kids.this is so clearly not your fault and you need to get away from this bully.

Edited

While I absolutely agree that she needs to get as far from this twat as possible... didn't he say he was going? I'd gather all his crap and start shoveling it out the front door, give the CF a hand and why wait till Christmas is over? Now is perfect, @Februarygirl you and your children deserve so much more it can take a while for you to figure that out but you'll get there 🌸

persisted · 25/12/2024 23:02

I bet sometimes you're stressed and think the children are being annoying. Never behave like that though do you?
It is not acceptable, regardless of what is happening. I reckon he manages not to behave like that at work when he's having a bad day, so he can give you the same courtesy.
He can fuck off with blaming you for his behaviour as well, we are all responsible for ourselves.

Cryingatthegym · 25/12/2024 23:47

He doesn't have an anger problem or need anger management. I bet he doesn't act like this at work or out in public when he experiences a minor inconvenience, only in private and directed at his family.

This isn't about anger. It's about entitlement and control. The way he's treating OP is a choice.

SwordToFlamethrower · 26/12/2024 00:38

Poor you!

And your poor children. This will be a core memory for them now, as it happened on Xmas day, they will remember the arguments. I do, from my own shitty childhood.

Please get away from this man. This is domestic violence.

Thepollonator · 26/12/2024 00:52

DONT LET THE DOOR HIT YA WHERE THE GOOOOOD LORD SPLIT YA"
Excellent, I've never heard it put like that before. 😅🤣

user1492757084 · 26/12/2024 00:54

You are not on the same wavelength.

He needs order, early nights, earlier meals etc.
You cope in chaos, function better later in the day.
You are not compatible.

Unless you have a split life - where he does chores in the mornings and everything important to him being done early by him (including dinner), and you keep the coal fires burning into the evening doing chores after he is in bed, it will never be serene.
The kids deserve better.

Either agree to tolerate, be happy and never berate each other while understanding all shortcomings, or you should separate.

Dweetfidilove · 26/12/2024 00:58

I really hope he follows through on that threat. It'd be the best gift he could give you and your children 🙏🏾.

WinterBones · 26/12/2024 00:58

i try not to end up writing essays because i end up oversharing, but when i said i've been where you are, i meant it. i'm now divorced and much happier.

There was a point it was all my fault, he'd scream, and shout, and threaten, accuse me of stressing him out so badly i was clearly trying to kill him by heart-attack... <eye-roll>

He'd resort to threatening to leave, and i'd apologise, and explain and smooth over and cry.. and you know.. the day i turned around and went 'well.. you know where the door is' was the last time he said it.. he stomped upstairs telling me he was packing, and didn't.. instead he stayed up there all afternoon.

dont engage with him, dont apologise, dont explain.. they can't argue with or threaten someone who isn't responding to them, just go 'ok' and carry on with your day.

and please, leave.

also.. even if he ends up making counselling noises, anger management... don't bother, might work for a bit, they just revert to type within a few months. ..as for relationship, they just use it as a place to attack you, either in front of the therapist, or later, at home.

poormenagain · 26/12/2024 01:14

Basically his point is that I never listen to him, am never on time, and this causes chaos which then makes him look like the bad guy because he loses his rag.

He IS the bad guy. Perhaps some of your actions are also contributing to the problem, but it’s not acceptable or excusable for him to be yelling at you and calling you misogynistic names, especially in front of the children. Does he really lack self-control to that degree? If so, he needs to get professional help to control and channel his anger and to accept responsibility rather than blaming you.

Even if you don’t stay together, he has two children and he
despearately needs to grow up so he can parent them.

RosannaSpider · 26/12/2024 01:35

He sounds horrible. Don't settle you don't need to be with him just because you have kids.