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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed in adult son...

58 replies

JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 16:45

He is single, no children. It was just me & him from him being 8. My parents helped a lot with childcare when he was young.
This year he's spending Christmas with his dad in a different part of the country - Absolutely no problem with this. I transferred some money into his bank account from my mum as she wouldn't be seeing him on Christmas Day, and it would seem this year there is no Christmas present or card from him to his grandma.
Other Christmas Days when he's come to see us there has always been a present for her.
He has not mentioned anything about visiting over Xmas and new year, so I'm just a bit disappointed and puzzled. I plan to text him when he gets home after New Year and say "I'm not sure what's happened to Grandma's Xmas present, but it hasn't arrived"

OP posts:
buckeejit · 25/12/2024 17:07

What age is he? I can understand your disappointment but many adult men don't bother, just look at the amount of active threads where dh did fa for Christmas- presumably you're not disappoint that he's not married & had no children? Or is that something to do with no wife to make the effort on his behalf?

I wouldn't bother being passive aggressive about it. Just say you're disappointed he didn't get in touch with his gm. Did you get a card or gift or call?

SensibleSigma · 25/12/2024 17:09

buckeejit · 25/12/2024 17:07

What age is he? I can understand your disappointment but many adult men don't bother, just look at the amount of active threads where dh did fa for Christmas- presumably you're not disappoint that he's not married & had no children? Or is that something to do with no wife to make the effort on his behalf?

I wouldn't bother being passive aggressive about it. Just say you're disappointed he didn't get in touch with his gm. Did you get a card or gift or call?

I read it as having no other responsibilities. No distractions.

MumChp · 25/12/2024 17:13

Why this passive aggressive attitude? If you have something to say say it.

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:14

@buckeejit ... he's 30... absolutely no issues with him not being married or having kids. He's got a good group of friends, has a good job.
I always had to work Xmas when he was growing up.. I'm not particularly Christmasy, but always have Xmas day lunch with my mum, and get her something she has asked for as a present. I never usually get a card or present - we agreed a while ago to do birthdays, but not Christmas, but he knows my mum enjoys Christmas...
The text wasn't automatically passive aggressive, he does usually post her birthday present, so would've thought he'd have posted an Xmas present

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 25/12/2024 17:15

Just tell him to treat your mother better.

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:16

@MumChp ...as above, wasn't necessarily passive aggressive.. he would normally post her birthday present, so would have thought he'd have posted an Xmas present as he wasn't going to see her.

OP posts:
MiraculousLadybug · 25/12/2024 17:23

JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:16

@MumChp ...as above, wasn't necessarily passive aggressive.. he would normally post her birthday present, so would have thought he'd have posted an Xmas present as he wasn't going to see her.

Well if it's not passive aggressive and you genuinely think there's any possibility at all that he might have posted a gift that got lost in the post then YABVU to "be disappointed in adult son" and write your entire opener without mentioning that possibility at all. C'mon OP. Be honest with yourself. It's a PA text and you know it is. If you're regularly PA with him maybe that's why he's avoiding you?

endingintiers · 25/12/2024 17:24

Of course it’s passive aggressive. If you want to know if your son has sent your mum a present, ask him. Your message would only be sent in a non-passive aggressive way if you knew he had sent it, to let him know it hadn’t arrived. You’re also giving him a get out clause to blame the post.

Ask him if he sent one, if not, let him know it’s upset you.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/12/2024 17:25

Maybe he doesn't feel he has to buy a present / give a card to someone whom he is not seeing at Christmas.

Cynic17 · 25/12/2024 17:25

This is about his relationship with his grandmother - I'm not sure why you need to interfere, OP.

Tricho · 25/12/2024 17:25

My parents helped a lot with childcare when he was young.

And this is his reason to be indebted why? It was help to YOU for YOUR child.

MotherOfRatios · 25/12/2024 17:27

It seems you have a problem he doesn't have a partner or kids because why was that necessary to say?

SleepQuest33 · 25/12/2024 17:28

What is it with this expectation of grown ups receiving Christmas presents? I agree a card or phone call would’ve nice but let’s stop this silly present habit.

Tricho · 25/12/2024 17:28

MotherOfRatios · 25/12/2024 17:27

It seems you have a problem he doesn't have a partner or kids because why was that necessary to say?

I took it to mean context that he very few other people to buy for so he really shouldn't be forgetting grans bday

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:29

MiraculousLadybug · 25/12/2024 17:23

Well if it's not passive aggressive and you genuinely think there's any possibility at all that he might have posted a gift that got lost in the post then YABVU to "be disappointed in adult son" and write your entire opener without mentioning that possibility at all. C'mon OP. Be honest with yourself. It's a PA text and you know it is. If you're regularly PA with him maybe that's why he's avoiding you?

Show quote history

It wouldn't be a passive aggressive text.
And it wouldn't have been sent until after the post had re-started, as mentioned above - after New Year.
There's no 'avoiding'... he lives 100 miles, so there's no popping in, we usually arrange to meet half way for a meal when we're both free...

OP posts:
Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:34

@MotherOfRatios ... I mentioned him not being married or having kids as @buckeejit had mentioned about men not buying presents for family and leaving it all to the wife, or was I disappointed he wasn't married...

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 25/12/2024 17:37

You say he hasn't mentioned visiting, but have you actually asked him his plans or made an effort to try and get together with him yourself?

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:37

Tricho · 25/12/2024 17:25

My parents helped a lot with childcare when he was young.

And this is his reason to be indebted why? It was help to YOU for YOUR child.

Edited

This was not me saying he should be endebted, I was trying to put in context that Christmas was always a bit low key because I was working, and that he's always known my mum enjoys Christmas because he's spent a few Christmases with her while I was at work

OP posts:
buckeejit · 25/12/2024 17:39

I think you could text him to say if gm was disappointed but only if you know for sure if she is. At a certain age many people don't care about gifts but a call to check in could go a long way so they know they're thought of. Maybe you could suggest that he takes her out in the new year so there's something for her to look forward to. Ultimately though it's down to him to be considerate. If he hasn't learnt it by 30, perhaps he never will.

Tittat50 · 25/12/2024 17:41

MumChp · 25/12/2024 17:13

Why this passive aggressive attitude? If you have something to say say it.

Life would be far simpler and relationships better if people would just speak openly and honestly and no passive aggression. I agree, just say it.

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:41

biscuitsandbooks · 25/12/2024 17:37

You say he hasn't mentioned visiting, but have you actually asked him his plans or made an effort to try and get together with him yourself?

He is with his dad until the 29th, the his girlfriends from 29th - 2nd... I've asked him to let me know when he might be free in the new year to catch up - usually this would be lunch somewhere and my mum would come too... I've not had a reply to that text, but wouldn't really expect to until he knew when he might have a free afternoon

OP posts:
Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:43

buckeejit · 25/12/2024 17:39

I think you could text him to say if gm was disappointed but only if you know for sure if she is. At a certain age many people don't care about gifts but a call to check in could go a long way so they know they're thought of. Maybe you could suggest that he takes her out in the new year so there's something for her to look forward to. Ultimately though it's down to him to be considerate. If he hasn't learnt it by 30, perhaps he never will.

She was disappointed. I asked if she had got anything through the post, and she just shook her head.

OP posts:
kiraric · 25/12/2024 17:59

She hasn't sent him a present either?

A bank transfer is pretty impersonal and it sounds like that was your instigation

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 18:03

kiraric · 25/12/2024 17:59

She hasn't sent him a present either?

A bank transfer is pretty impersonal and it sounds like that was your instigation

He'd said he'd prefer the cash.
He lives in a flat with communal pigeon holes for the post, so thought a bank transfer was safer than sending cash through the post. My mum is 90, doesn't do online banking so gives me the cash and I do the bank transfer.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 25/12/2024 18:04

Just leave him off, he is an adult now. He obviously isn’t into gift giving. So great news, you can stop giving him gifts too.
Sorry you are disappointed, it’s no reflection on you though.