To be disappointed in adult son...

[JudgeMenthol]

He is single, no children. It was just me & him from him being 8. My parents helped a lot with childcare when he was young.
This year he's spending Christmas with his dad in a different part of the country - Absolutely no problem with this. I transferred some money into his bank account from my mum as she wouldn't be seeing him on Christmas Day, and it would seem this year there is no Christmas present or card from him to his grandma.
Other Christmas Days when he's come to see us there has always been a present for her.
He has not mentioned anything about visiting over Xmas and new year, so I'm just a bit disappointed and puzzled. I plan to text him when he gets home after New Year and say "I'm not sure what's happened to Grandma's Xmas present, but it hasn't arrived"

If you want to do something about this then just ask him ‘have you sent your grandma a gift and card?’

It is passive aggressive. You believe it hasn’t arrived because he hasn’t sent it. So why pretend you think it’s anything else. Just ask him. He is 30. Not a child you are trying to coax into certain behaviours.

Which ever way I phrase the question.. he could say " hasn't it arrived?" - and it could be lost....or not
Or he could say " well I haven't bought a present because xyz"
The people saying ask directly still gives him the same reply options.

He knows the money arrived in his account, I messaged him to check his bank details hadn't changed. He hasn't called my mum to say thanks.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on saying thank you, or letting someone know a parcel has arrived are different, and maybe as someone said up post, maybe he's just not great at being considerate.

After dozens of threads on AIBU about various Christmas dramas (read: no drama at all) I cannot help but think this is one shitty holiday. People stressing about dry turkeys, passive aggressiveness about invitations and hosting, dozens of different dramas around Christmas presents and cards or lack thereof... Could it be that it's time we rethink the whole thing? Wouldn't everyone have a much nicer time if next year any time off work during the Christmas period was spent just with relaxing, instead of stressing, planning, buying, sulking?

Very aware I'm in the minority and completely OK with being ignored but I really wanted to get it off my chest!

37, no gifts bought or received, no hosting, no invitations, no special cooking, just spending some much needed time with my husband doing relaxing stuff together.

Can you text "Did you not send Gran a present this year? She seems disappointed."

I would text him and say have you sent anything for grandma as she hasn't received anything? If not could you text her and let her know you will come and see her in the new year?

I personally would love this if one of my sons text me to say happy Christmas, thanks for the money you gave me. I'll come and see you in the new year.

Then she knows he will make an effort to see her, which she would probably prefer than a gift (I would assume but may be wrong as I don't know her.)

I will text him, mention the present, and that she would love to hear from him - which she would, but as someone mentioned above, perhaps I'm trying to coax behaviours out of someone who's adult enough to make their own choices.

It's clearly bothering you (it would bother me too). Why not drop him a text and say, "are you going to ring gran tonight? Please do, she would love to hear from you. Don't know if you sent her a gift but nothing has arrived. Hope you've had a lovely day, love mum xxx"
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Obviously you shouldn't need to prompt a 30 year old man - but if it's on your mind, bothering your mum and you can do something to make it all a bit better, I'd do that. To be a bit direct, your mum is 90. There aren't going to be too many more Christmas days when she will or won't have her day brightened by a phone call from her grandson.

Did you receive a present from your son op?

No, but I didn't expect to. There's nothing I need. We agreed to exchange gifts for our birthdays, but not at Christmas - I've worked a lot of Christmas Days, so never really been very Christmassy. We're a very small family on my side, just me,mum and my son.
My mums birthday presents have always come by post, as it's rare that he's been off work on the exact date, which is why I expected his Xmas present for my mum to come by post. This is the first year we've not seen him on Xmas day - his dad was not in the UK for much of DS's life, and as he's there this Christmas I think we just assumed he would post DM's Xmas present like he does with her birthday present....
Maybe that was our mistake :)

It's worth having an honest chat with him to gauge his view. Then you both know where you stand. My brother is almost 50! And I tell you he seriously needs someone to guide him still. My mum failed continually to speak openly and honest and hold him accountable throughout his entire life.

I'd say something like......

' I spoke to granny and she was really disappointed she didn't get a card or present from you for Christmas. '

See what he says.

Then say ' because she always thinks of you with the cash gift, it's the decent thing to remember her at Christmas. A card at least. What do you think love?'

This is the conversation I'd have. But it depends if he doesn't like being told what to do, is a difficult person and so on.

I will definitely be having a conversation with him, but not while he's at his dad's or girlfriends - it's an early relationship, she lives in London, so will wait til he gets back...
He's not difficult, we've always discussed stuff, although he does sometimes think his opinions are the only ones that are valid, but there's never been any falling out.
He won't randomly just ring for a chat, but is happy to text if he's free

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Maybe a lovely thankyou card is a better idea for granny.

I do actually agree that the cards and present thing isn't what everyone wants. I don't do cards or presents really outside my own son and dislike the pressure. I'd definitely encourage acknowledging a cash gift though. A good habit for the son - even if he didn't ask for the lolly.

Absolutely this.... People don't keep needing presents it's crazy....

It's very liberating when you start thinking for yourself instead of going along with all the brainwashing you've had over the years.

This, one million percent.

Have no expectations, then you can't be disappointed.

all of this does not matter at all in the small or grand scheme of things

Probably 75% of the posts are thus.

Family relationship issues can feel quite overbearing for some though to be fair. MN is a good place to just vent.

I totally agree... as I've said, I'm not a Christmas person. I hold no religious views either, and once my mum has passed away I will not be buying any presents - she is the only person I buy for - but even if DS is now not buying presents, a call to thank her for the money she sent to him is not an unreasonable thing to do, and all he had to say was that he wasn't buying Christmas presents this year.

I can’t believe a 30yo man is taking a cash gift off his 90yo nan.

Food for thought :)
Perhaps after this year we should just keep hold of our money and just buy our own stuff

Plenty of grown ups get and give gifts!

Why so passive aggressive?

If you get involved in any way at all you are not allowing him to be an adult and make his own choices.

he has chosen / decided not to send granny a card or a present.

so be it.

step back.

maybe he has forgotten, maybe not
maybe it is lost in the post, maybe not.

otherwise one day if / when he does have a partner/wife, the job / responsibility of cards and gifts will fall to her...

did you really need to phone / text him to check he had not changed his bank account details - do people change their bank accounts on a daily basis ?

of course Granny didn't send cash in the post ! has anyone done that for years ?!!!
surely granny still has a cheque book ?

or she could have bought and sent a gift voucher, and posted it via recorded delivery etc etc etc.

By you getting involved and ' checking his bank details ' you were telling / warning him in advance he was getting a present from Granny

and with this information given, it appears he still chose not to send her a card / gift...