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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doubting my parenting style

62 replies

CleoPappa · 25/12/2024 01:49

Hi all,

I'm probably being unreasonable but need some outside thoughts.

Today we went to a church service with some of DHs relatives then one invited us back to hers for a takeaway.
This relative has a little girl who is 3. We have 3 DC who are 1, 3 and 5.
Parenting wise I've always been so cautious of not spoiling my kids. For Christmas they will get 4 presents from DH and I, 1 from Father Christmas and a stocking. They really don't want have many toys. We aren't struggling financially but I grew up in a less affluent home so I also find myself reluctant to buy my kids expensive things (just feels like a waste as they have no concept).

This relative is the opposite. Her daughter has more toys than my 3 combined and many many of these are expensive (think £300 doll house for Christmas and a whole collection of £50 Mon Ami soft dolls). Her room is like a princesses room with a canopy, expensive rocking horse, expensive bedding, hand painted wall art of fairy ballerinas that look just like the little girl. For Christmas she is getting a dolls house and the accessories from Father Christmas then another 12 items from her mum, more from grandparents/aunts/uncles.
She also just spends a lot more on her daughter, the dress she was wearing was £100, and she has a different dress for each Christmas "event" (Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, nursery Christmas party, going to the theatre, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day), I asked to see the dresses so I know it's my own doing but she must have spent thousands on Christmas.
My two girls were in absolute awe of this little girls life, all the presents under the tree, her gorgeous room and pretty dresses. I know they have no concept of the financial side of it but my kids have one Christmas dress each year and if we have new years plans I'll pick a second hand party dress up for that.

Now I'm thinking, why on earth am I doing this? I feel like I've been told over and over not to spoil them but DH grew up like this little girl and he isn't spoiled or entitled. I'm genuinely not sure why I decided to do it this way when we could give more and do more? I feel like in my circle it's seen as morally superior to give your kids less and there is a lot of bragging about how happy their kids are with one toy.
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the approach as obviously for the last 5 years it been what I've done but I'm now really doubting it as I could buy my kids more toys, or expensive clothes or spend extra money on their rooms and still give them experiences and holidays.

AIBU to be doubting my approach? Should I just indulge them a little?

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 25/12/2024 01:52

I’m with you. Kids really don’t need a lot of stuff

Original poster
CleoPappa · 25/12/2024 01:56

Pinkissmart · 25/12/2024 01:52

I’m with you. Kids really don’t need a lot of stuff

I do still believe they don't need a lot of stuff, but I'm now more thinking is it just nice to have? Like if I can, is there some grand reason not to or have I just surrounded myself with people who think it's morally superior to have as little as possible and convinced myself that is right without thinking about it?

This isn't really about what kids need as I know they don't need a lot and I think his relative knows that too. But they don't do it thinking it's a need?

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 25/12/2024 01:57

Kids outgrow toys and clothes so quickly though. Plus you have 3 vs her 1 child. Your kids will in the blink of an eye be the age where they start wanting more expensive gifts. If you set a precedent now then it could get to a point where it stretches your resources.

Cobalt44 · 25/12/2024 01:59

Do you want to do more? If so, do it and keep an eye on how it is affecting your daughter. If it seems like she’s developing a bad attitude, scale it back.

I am personally somewhere in the middle. I know what you mean about people bragging about how little they give their children and how they are happy with it. We give multiple gifts but don’t spend as much as the person you’ve described.

Jingleberryalltheway · 25/12/2024 01:59

I think there is a middle ground. Hand painting wall mural is a bit much unless you’re mega rich but to children’s eyes wall stickers are just as nice.

Original poster
CleoPappa · 25/12/2024 02:02

Jingleberryalltheway · 25/12/2024 01:59

I think there is a middle ground. Hand painting wall mural is a bit much unless you’re mega rich but to children’s eyes wall stickers are just as nice.

Not even a wall mural, actual paintings ... done by an artist in France

Though I'll note this particular side of DHs family are very comfortable financially

OP posts:
Happiestwhen · 25/12/2024 02:05

I think if you can afford more you should get them a few more gifts. As a pp said , you could find a middle ground. I like to give my kids what we can, it's important to me that when they're older they look back on their childhood and think of how Christmas and birthdays were magical times ✨️

DonaldGumbo · 25/12/2024 02:07

I know what you mean about the competitive frugalness. It's the same in my circle, having lots of presents is sneered at. I think it backfires at times. There is a girl in my dd's class who doesn't get presents, no idea why. Thought it was money problems but family are always jetting off to all inclusive resorts. It's really affected the child though. She is always begging to take toys home with her from play dates or from school.
Like others have said; there must be a middle ground. I'm conscious of how tough things are so I don't want my kids ever to brag. Dreading DS going into school saying he had this and that when other families are struggling. I've told him repeatedly not to.

RatInADollhouse · 25/12/2024 02:08

When my kids were 5, 3 and 1 they wouldn't have even noticed anything about another child's life to make them envious. It is clear though that you are envious. You rattled off every single thing this little girl has and how many and how much it cost. Your kids will pick up on that. As much as you can you should try to model gratitude for all that you do have, which sounds like a lot more than many others.

Also-- your kids are little. Too little to have strong opinions and want lots of expensive things. Trust me, the time will come when it will be a lot harder to keep from spending too much on your kids. Until then I would save your money.

Original poster
CleoPappa · 25/12/2024 02:08

Happiestwhen · 25/12/2024 02:05

I think if you can afford more you should get them a few more gifts. As a pp said , you could find a middle ground. I like to give my kids what we can, it's important to me that when they're older they look back on their childhood and think of how Christmas and birthdays were magical times ✨️

It's made me feel really bad actually, we don't have many other kids in the family so my kids don't really see other kids christmas trees, my 5 year old stood in front of her Christmas tree (very carefully decorated tree) at the 20 odd gifts (some from aunts and uncles etc.) and said are they all for (little girls name), there is more under her tree for one than under ours for all 3!

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 25/12/2024 02:10

Not even a wall mural, actual paintings ... done by an artist in France

^

Give me strength

These people either have too much time, or too much money

Original poster
CleoPappa · 25/12/2024 02:18

RatInADollhouse · 25/12/2024 02:08

When my kids were 5, 3 and 1 they wouldn't have even noticed anything about another child's life to make them envious. It is clear though that you are envious. You rattled off every single thing this little girl has and how many and how much it cost. Your kids will pick up on that. As much as you can you should try to model gratitude for all that you do have, which sounds like a lot more than many others.

Also-- your kids are little. Too little to have strong opinions and want lots of expensive things. Trust me, the time will come when it will be a lot harder to keep from spending too much on your kids. Until then I would save your money.

Yeah the bragging does worry me too. I guess for this particular family they won't ever worry about that as their DD is at nursery in private school and they plan to send her there for primary too, so you can probably safely assume the parents spending thousands on education aren't struggling too much, but our kids are in a village state school with a real mix of kids and even with just a few gifts each I worry about bragging and making other kids feel sad about what they got.

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 25/12/2024 02:27

Save your money for when they all need driving lessons, and money towards uni and first homes. They'll value that far more than hand painted wall murals and dresses long outgrown

Elphamouche · 25/12/2024 02:32

I would go middle of the road, but that’s how we work. We go OTT at Christmas and birthdays, we don’t buy things throughout the year unless needed.

No french murals, but a couple of pics from Etsy 😂

ChicaChow · 25/12/2024 02:33

Interesting discussion.

The thing is, at that age it's pointless to get loa of gifts as they will literally forget about them several minutes after opening if they have loads. They won't all get played with. It doesn't matter if it's a £200 doll or £15 doll, it will be lost amongst the 25 other elaborate gifts.

With clothes they outgrown them so quickly! Again it doesn't matter if it's £85 dress or a £9.99 dress, if they will outgrown it in 6 months they'll outgrow it.

Even if your mega rich it's just wasteful more so than it being to stop spoilt brat behaviour. Even if I won the lotto I wouldn't be buying shit tons of stuff that won't get played with again after opening or only worn a few times.

That being said, there are certain elements that can create a beautiful childhood materially that isn't wasteful. So the beautifully decorated bedroom will have several years. Luxury bedding will be slept in every night. Fancy hair accessories put in everyday.

You can do a OTT Christmas without the waste. Such as an itinerary with amazing experiences like frozen on ice, Disneyland Paris, Christmas markets etc.
Put it all on a calender over a fortnight.

You can gift wrap the presents with bows, bells and whistles and fancy packaging so it looks stunning and OTT under the tree.

It's about honing in on what's worth spoiling the kids on with what ends up being wasteful tat regardless of the price tag.

Powderblue1 · 25/12/2024 03:42

I think k there is a middle ground OP. DH and I are fortunately very comfortable but both grew up pretty poor. I struggle now with the balance of not spoiling the kids (I hate spoilt kids).

I tend to go more conservative at Xmas (albeit far more than 4 presents) but we spoil them more with experiences. Lovely days out, holidays etc.

I don't waste money like that on clothes though. They grow out of things so quickly! What a waste

Coolbreezee · 25/12/2024 05:39

You can learn a lot from the stoics. It's perfectly ok to enjoy nice things, just don't tie your happiness to them. Depriving yourself is, on a deeper level, just as self indulgent as spoiling yourself rotten (when it is done for the 'moral superiority)- I say that as someone who struggled with anorexia for many years. The key is finding the sweet spot between appreciating things on the moment but not being dependent on them or expecting them. I give a handful of carefully chosen gifts to my DD. I also buy things for friends and family. For us Christmas is a time for celebration and giving gifts is a part of that. I think it's even more fun when the children are involved in buying for friends and relatives. It's a great way to teach generosity, thinking of others, gratitude, patience & self control (during the lead up!!). The quantity and monetary value of presents is never important. Your time will always be the most precious gift you can give. It sounds like you have the right idea. Don't feel pressured to match your friend. If you can and want to treat them to some more, that's perfectly okay to. Have a lovely Christmas!

SneakyLilNameChange · 25/12/2024 05:53

Elphamouche · 25/12/2024 02:32

I would go middle of the road, but that’s how we work. We go OTT at Christmas and birthdays, we don’t buy things throughout the year unless needed.

No french murals, but a couple of pics from Etsy 😂

This. We live in a very lefty, crunchy area and I hear you with the competitive under parenting/only buying second hand/not wrapped for the environment/no waste thing. Which I do kind of agree with but tbh we go all out at Christmas as we don’t buy the much the rest of the year. I remember getting loads of presents!

KeeKees · 25/12/2024 06:27

I'd go in the middle. No need for what you are doing or what they are doing, they are both extreme ends of the scale. Somewhere in the middle sounds great.

geoger · 25/12/2024 06:34

I’m sure you can find some middle ground without being over the top.
Remember you have 3 children and have to budget accordingly. Also kids don’t need that much stuff…..just think about where it’ll go and what you’ll do with it afterwards.
Material things have a place but giving your children time and making memories is really more important

PerditaLaChien · 25/12/2024 06:41

Where has this crazy idea come from of buying kids millions of presents?

Dh and i are pretty loaded - no financial limitation
My kids get:

  • a stocking of small bits (bath bombs, card game, sweets etc)
  • one big present from us like a large lego set or whatever
  • a book set
  • gifts from grandparents/aunts/uncles

Thats loads?

MinnieBalloon · 25/12/2024 06:45

YANBU, and quite honestly, your parenting approach sounds awfully misery. They are only little once.

If you can afford it, you should.

You don’t end up with spoilt kids depending on the amount of stuff you buy them. You end up with spoilt kids due to a lack of appropriate parenting, regardless of whether you’re rich or poor.

buttonousmaximous · 25/12/2024 06:45

When they get older they will start asking, save your money while you can!

ALunchbox · 25/12/2024 06:53

I think you are doing the right thing. The amount people spend is just ridiculous and it's completely wasteful to buy so many toys the kids won't play with.
The several dresses is all you need to know though- it's all for show and us not about the child.

PheasantPluckers · 25/12/2024 06:58

You are entitled to parent the way you want to and how you see fit (providing its not harming your kids). Children will always see things thst other kids have and be in awe - there's no avoiding that.

My personal take on what you've described is that it's a bit excessive but joyful. If you are thinking of shaking things up a bit, maybe you could capture some of the joyful elements, like the beautiful bedroom (it doesnt even have to be expensive) and an extra party outfit? There is a middle ground - it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I don't think having nice things necessarily leads to being spoilt, as long as children are grateful and their expectations are managed (saying 'no' sometimes is so improtant), I think it's fine to have things.