Doubting my parenting style

[CleoPappa]

Hi all,

I'm probably being unreasonable but need some outside thoughts.

Today we went to a church service with some of DHs relatives then one invited us back to hers for a takeaway.
This relative has a little girl who is 3. We have 3 DC who are 1, 3 and 5.
Parenting wise I've always been so cautious of not spoiling my kids. For Christmas they will get 4 presents from DH and I, 1 from Father Christmas and a stocking. They really don't want have many toys. We aren't struggling financially but I grew up in a less affluent home so I also find myself reluctant to buy my kids expensive things (just feels like a waste as they have no concept).

This relative is the opposite. Her daughter has more toys than my 3 combined and many many of these are expensive (think £300 doll house for Christmas and a whole collection of £50 Mon Ami soft dolls). Her room is like a princesses room with a canopy, expensive rocking horse, expensive bedding, hand painted wall art of fairy ballerinas that look just like the little girl. For Christmas she is getting a dolls house and the accessories from Father Christmas then another 12 items from her mum, more from grandparents/aunts/uncles.
She also just spends a lot more on her daughter, the dress she was wearing was £100, and she has a different dress for each Christmas "event" (Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, nursery Christmas party, going to the theatre, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day), I asked to see the dresses so I know it's my own doing but she must have spent thousands on Christmas.
My two girls were in absolute awe of this little girls life, all the presents under the tree, her gorgeous room and pretty dresses. I know they have no concept of the financial side of it but my kids have one Christmas dress each year and if we have new years plans I'll pick a second hand party dress up for that.

Now I'm thinking, why on earth am I doing this? I feel like I've been told over and over not to spoil them but DH grew up like this little girl and he isn't spoiled or entitled. I'm genuinely not sure why I decided to do it this way when we could give more and do more? I feel like in my circle it's seen as morally superior to give your kids less and there is a lot of bragging about how happy their kids are with one toy.
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the approach as obviously for the last 5 years it been what I've done but I'm now really doubting it as I could buy my kids more toys, or expensive clothes or spend extra money on their rooms and still give them experiences and holidays.

AIBU to be doubting my approach? Should I just indulge them a little?

Im more in your camp OP. Mainly from an environment/waste point of view.

I'm not frugal for financial reasons but we don't buy our kids shit loads of stuff at Christmas. One or two nice things from us (big Lego sent/computer game) and a stocking from Santa (footballs, arts and crafts stuff, books, chocolate, sports items they want). I just don't feel they can concentrate on or appreciate too much stuff at once. There is stuff sitting on shelves or in cupboards in my house that is unused from the times I have gone overboard and it just seems horribly wasteful. Especially when they get even more stuff from extended family.

I balance that out buy buying them nice stuff through the year when they needed it. For example my oldest recently out grew his bike and so we got him a really decent one at that point.

Well, it depends what else you're doing with the money that you could be spending on more/expensive gifts for your own DC. We are similar to you in terms of number and value of gifts, because DC are happy with what they get and that's what we decided to do with our money. Meanwhile we put a lot into savings for DC. We could spend more on 'stuff' but on balance I think that a reasonable amount of gifts and more money for the future will be better for them than more landfill now and less help in the future. However, if you wanted to tweak the balance and do more on stuff I'm sure that would be fine!

“Parenting wise I've always been so cautious of not spoiling my kids. For Christmas they will get 4 presents from DH and I, 1 from Father Christmas and a stocking.”

what a miserable Christmas for them

I agree with the middle ground. There are a lot of people on Mumsnet who do the 4 gift rule, I can't remember what it is but something to wear, read, play etc, so you're certainly not alone in being restrained. It may seem like I go overboard at Christmas with gifts but we get a lot of things like puzzles or board games from charity shops and craft supplies and kits are dipped into through the winter months to entertain after school or on rainy weekends.

There's an in between to be found here!
Both sound pretty extreme.
I don't spoil my kids at all but they have plenty of good quality toys. And Christmas is special and magical and I want them to have good memories.

They don't have 1000s spent on them though and absolutely not on clothes. We don't have the Instagramable lifestyle you're describing but equally I want my kids to have a brilliant childhood so yes they get spoilt at Christmas!

I have bought my two (nearly 2 and 4.5) quite a bit. We've a small family so there's not huge amounts outside of us.

I balanced out mostly second hand (brio, my little ponies, ELC stuff) with a couple of brand new things (yoto cards, gel pens etc).

They are only little once. And after a horrible year I'd rather we all just fucking enjoyed ourselves tbh.

I tend to be more on the indulgent side but on a tighter budget than the little girl you describe. Santa brings a selection of small/medium toys, socks/bath stuff, chocolate and books. Nothing big/electronic but usually about a dozen or so things to unwrap. My ILs have usually done Christmas more like you with one Santa gift and a chocolate.

This year however I was surprised that they had got their children a few more "bits" for their stocking that aren't really necessary but fun and surprising. Nothing the children wouldn't use or get enjoyment from. The children were over the moon with extra packages to open and there was a lovely excitement that I haven't seen before.

So I think there's a good middle ground to be found that might benefit you all.

I think this is an interesting question as I'm in a not dissimilar situation. I too worry about spoiling my dd (though ds is completely different, wants nothing and was born frugal and esoteric not materialistic 😅).

We have family members that are significantly less wealthy than us and those who are more wealthy and they all splurge massive amounts on their kids compared to us.

OP, you have made me question why I feel the need to put the brakes on spending more on my dd especially at this time of year. I feel sometimes I do this restriction for no other reason than because to do otherwise makes me uncomfortable. This feeling must be linked to my own childhood experiences where money was often a source of pain. When I did without it felt like I was appeasing my parents, not wanting to upset them.

I don't suppose if I did splurge on my dd she would turn out spoiled. Feels like it might be a risk however. We have all read the warnings about the brats in Charlie and the chocolate factory, it's deep in the British pyche.

I think there's a happy medium depending on finances. A nice room/living space is a longer term spend than let's say a dress. Agree with not needing too many toys, but definitely the toys the kids want/like. Quality over quantity. Bragging - explain to your children not every child is lucky to have z y z and we don't discuss what's at home incase it makes people feel sad/educate how stuff isnt important in life but its nice to have. We take care of our things but we focus on living and having fun, so we ideally don't jump into mud in our most beautiful dresses but sometimes life to short, life is to be lived. Don't use mummy's trench as a picnic blanket but if someone is in need of it let's say medically etc then we don't think twice.
My youngest is now at the stage of learning about jealousy (not about stuff, but a child is jealous of a friendship the youngest has) and its been a great opportunity to discuss bragging and how the same jealousy comes about and how jealousy makes people mean and then they can bully.
It's about teaching life values not really putting a price or financial value on an item. A pretty dress could be from a charity shop or from a designer shop, either way, it's a pretty dress that we respect. We also these days discuss ethical clothing when we are out shopping etc. Kids have turned out okay, not wanting much, if anything on birthdays etc most excited about spending time with friends than receiving presents. Idk what teenage years will bring though.
We also drill into them that life is nothing without our health.

Definitely values more important than how much you spend etc

I think both parenting styles are ok.

Personally I don't find spending money on something that gives pleasure to be wasting money, and I think there's a developmental benefit in having a reasonable range of toys, though I don't think I'd pay for the fairy art.

I agree there is a big push to find virtue in denying your dc stuff they want and I don't really believe in that. I'd just want to be sure that you are basing your decisions genuinely on what you think is best for your dc (within your budget) and not on wanting other adults to think you're a good parent.

My parents had plenty of money butcwere very careful about how they spent it. They would never do anything flamboyant or fun. If we went out they were never tempted to pay for anything on top. But my grandfather would. If we went to the theatre he would get a box, a programme, ice cream, whereas my parents frowned on all of that. I grew up thinking we were poor. I think being a bit more generous is nice and also pretty liberating if you were brought up to look down on frivolous spending.

I'm more like you but I'm fine with it, when I see kids getting 20 presents I just don't see how they would have time to play with each one, let alone appreciate it, tidy it and store it.

I've got two kids and get them 2-3 presents each, and they get some from our small extended family. And I'm constantly doing clean outs. Yet still we have so many toys, and they don't have time to play with them all.

I buy them nice clothes as well, but what's the point of buying so many? If you buy something they love, they'd want to rewear it.