To cancel Christmas for 18yr old DS?

catphone · 25/12/2024 01:41

Yeah but I think you have bigger problems than taking away his Christmas presents. He obviously has kind of problem with his impulse control, but it’s probably worse than that.

HelenTudorFisk · 25/12/2024 01:41

You are questioning whether you should cancel Christmas - he’s bloody lucky the police aren’t being called.
What a disgraceful piece of work he is.

Asparename · 25/12/2024 01:43

Why is he living with his elderly and ill grandmother and not with his father? Not fair on his grandmother.

90yomakeuproom · 25/12/2024 01:43

I agree, this isn't about Christmas, I'd be calling the police.

DreamTheMoors · 25/12/2024 01:45

He should be spending Christmas in lockup.
Merry Christmas to you, little thief.

sprigatito · 25/12/2024 01:48

I think what you're telling us here must be the tip of a very large iceberg. This boy is clearly very disturbed and needs a more proactive intervention than having his Christmas presents taken away. Are there any drug abuse issues, or other risky and impulsive behaviour? Why is he living with his grandmother? When you say he hasn't shown any remorse, is he defiant, belligerent, or is it just completely flat affect? There's a lot to unpick.

I am so sorry you're dealing with all this. I hope your Christmas is as good as it can be with all this worry.

Original poster

Mothership6 · 25/12/2024 01:56

Asparename · 25/12/2024 01:43

Why is he living with his elderly and ill grandmother and not with his father? Not fair on his grandmother.

He didn’t want to live with us, at the time I wondered why but now it’s obvious there were far too many rules and no access to money.

We had no idea he was doing this! His Nan offered him a home as she lived local to his workplace and had a spare bedroom. His Mum kicked him out for being disrespectful. We thought he was being helpful, MIL would often ask him to run errands for her and he was always happy to oblige. He was getting money for running errands and helping out around the house, if he needed something- he only had to ask.

OP posts:

LunchtimeNaps · 25/12/2024 02:32

I'd cancel his Christmas and call the police. This is unacceptable.

CheeseyOnionPie · 25/12/2024 02:38

Cancelling Christmas? He’s an adult and is thieving from an elderly vulnerable relative. He should be reported to the police. If he can do this to his own Nan he’s a danger to other folk out there.

username299 · 25/12/2024 02:54

His behaviour is absolutely disgraceful. He's been taking advantage of a vulnerable elderly woman. I would call the police and I wouldn't have him in the house.

LoudSnoringDog · 25/12/2024 03:01

Disgraceful behaviour

He should be arrested for this

nunsflipflop · 25/12/2024 03:11

Is he taking drugs? Several hundred pounds being frittered away on nothing is a stretch.

I would have called the police too, how does he propose that money is replaced?

LostittoBostik · 25/12/2024 03:15

Police here too. And probably disown.
I hope he's moved out of that house

Baileysfeverdream · 25/12/2024 03:50

I don't think you should call the police - a criminal record for him is not going to turn his life around, it's going to make it difficult for him to get a job, and destroy his relationship with his father. Only his grandmother can make the decision to call the police, and if I was her, I wouldn't.

What he did was terrible, and he has to pay the money back, and I would disinvite him for Christmas.

His parents need to talk to him about where the money went, was it drugs, and let him know he needs to turn his life around, and he's been given a chance as police not called.

Bunny44 · 25/12/2024 03:59

I agree it sounds like either he has a drug problem or perhaps even a personality disorder. This is very disordered and extremely selfish behaviour either way. Yes I think you should cancel Christmas. Make it clear (led by his father) that you are appalled by his behaviour, he should be ashamed and anything further like this you'll consider police involvement. Make it black and white where you stand.

People who start off doing things like this at a young age will likely escalate, especially if they think they can get away with it. Nip it in the bud as best you can but I'm afraid as others said you might be dealing with the tip of an iceberg.

arcticpandas · 25/12/2024 04:05

Sounds like a real sociopath to me. Either that or he's got an expensive addiction. How can you steal from your own grandmother? He can't be trusted around her that's for sure do he needs to move out asap.

Petrasings · 25/12/2024 04:14

The lack of remorse or explanation is the most concerning aspect. There is not a chance we would be inviting him over. This is very serious and goes well beyond Christmas.

Petrasings · 25/12/2024 04:17

Have you secured her house? I would run a credit check etc and ensure he hasn’t taken out loans etc in her name.i would be spending Christmas organising locksmiths, calling banks to suspend her accounts for now and getting him out.

pestowithwalnuts · 25/12/2024 04:37

Mothership6 · 25/12/2024 01:40

My DSS has been living with my MIL who is disabled for a couple of years now, as his relationship with his DM isn’t great. We found out a couple of weeks ago when MIL was taken into hospital with heart failure and given weeks to live, that DSS had been stealing money from her bank account on a regular basis. Whilst she was taken into hospital he had emptied her bank account of several hundred pounds and sold some of her belongings. He spent all the money on himself and his GF.

AIBU to cancel Christmas? We haven’t bought him any presents and said what we’d usually spend on him can go towards paying his Nan back. Others have said this is harsh?

He hasn’t even apologised and shows no remorse.

I can feel your anger and disgust OP.
I know he's your son but you're quite right..no Christmas for him.

montelbano · 25/12/2024 04:41

You say in your original post that, sadly, she has not long to live. If the situation changes and she does make sufficient recovery to return home, then Power of Attorney may be appropriate so that your DH can have control of her finances.
in the meantime, as others have suggested, run credit checks and speak to her bank. If it turns out that he has done more than steal from her bank account, then you will have to call the Police a s that fraud. ( on top of theft)
Given that he has sold some of her belongings, I cannot see how he can be allowed back into her home, so securing the house and changing the locks seems appropriate.
He has behaved appallingly especially to a sick woman who gave him shelter and the lack of remorse is worrying. It is not harsh to not give him presents. It is not harsh to make him pay back what he has stolen. It is not harsh to not welcome him in your home this xmas. He is an adult and has to face the consequences of his behaviour.

thepariscrimefiles · 25/12/2024 04:59

Who on earth is telling you that you were being harsh? Absolutely cancel Christmas for him and consider reporting him to the police or tell him that you will do so unless he pays all the money back.

Imonmyway · 25/12/2024 05:10

Baileysfeverdream · 25/12/2024 03:50

I don't think you should call the police - a criminal record for him is not going to turn his life around, it's going to make it difficult for him to get a job, and destroy his relationship with his father. Only his grandmother can make the decision to call the police, and if I was her, I wouldn't.

What he did was terrible, and he has to pay the money back, and I would disinvite him for Christmas.

His parents need to talk to him about where the money went, was it drugs, and let him know he needs to turn his life around, and he's been given a chance as police not called.

Sounds sensible,also mil is a vulnerable adult who needs safeguarding. Measures need to be put in place to keep her safe

JollyGreenSleeves · 25/12/2024 05:12

He sounds troubled- I would want to know the background before jumping to judgement though. Living with his nan at 18 when he has parents isn’t normal and just because he is legally an adult, doesn’t mean he should be treated like one. His brain hasn’t matured yet. What he has done is pretty bad but being abandoned/ostracised by his family at Christmas won’t help. He is still, emotionally, a child.

I really wouldn’t get the police involved as this will massively limit his life chances but someone needs to talk to him. He needs counselling.

AhBiscuits · 25/12/2024 05:14

When an adult steals from someone vulnerable you call the police, you don't take away Christmas presents. He's not 10.

WishinAndHopin · 25/12/2024 05:15

Does his Nan know?
Has it been reported to the police?

As someone with low empathy and poor morals, the only thing he will understand is consequences. Going to the police will also lay a paper trail to make it easier to convict him for future offences and show up on DSB checks to prevent him working with the vulnerable.

Don’t wait until his Nan dies, the police will be less interested then.