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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel Christmas for 18yr old DS?

84 replies

Mothership6 · 25/12/2024 01:40

My DSS has been living with my MIL who is disabled for a couple of years now, as his relationship with his DM isn’t great. We found out a couple of weeks ago when MIL was taken into hospital with heart failure and given weeks to live, that DSS had been stealing money from her bank account on a regular basis. Whilst she was taken into hospital he had emptied her bank account of several hundred pounds and sold some of her belongings. He spent all the money on himself and his GF.

AIBU to cancel Christmas? We haven’t bought him any presents and said what we’d usually spend on him can go towards paying his Nan back. Others have said this is harsh?

He hasn’t even apologised and shows no remorse.

OP posts:
TwinklyAmberOrca · 25/12/2024 07:28

If this is a genuine post then you can the police and report the theft.

If he isn't taking it seriously then you must get thr police involved otherwise it will only get worse.

Where is he going to love now? Clearly he can't live with MIL!

MyDeftDuck · 25/12/2024 07:29

I would feel ashamed if he was my son and I would not waste time in reporting him to the police! He has STOLEN money, but to make matters worse he has stolen from his own grandmother and shared the money with his girlfriend making her an accomplice to his crime.

The grandmother needs safeguarding with the county adult social care who will demand that the police are also informed.

I am appalled that the OP is only concerned about cancelling Christmas for this lowlife - get a grip OP, you are harbouring a criminal!

Dolphinnoises · 25/12/2024 07:35

He’s not disturbed or traumatised. I know of two very similar circumstances in RL. People can be awful to elderly people, and when they are staying with them convince themselves they somehow deserve it.

In one of the cases - with a family member in her 30s who was doing this - it turned into a very complicated situation as all the elderly man’s money had gone and he therefore needed social services help. He was adamant the police should not be involved - partly shame, I think, as well as loving the family member who had relieved him of his cash.

It wouldn’t hurt DSS to sit in a place where he thought there would be criminal consequences. Just getting away with this will mean he’ll get the message he can do this sort of thing again. What is your DH’s take on it all?

And 💯 yes, all present money to repay his debt.

VerbenaGirl · 25/12/2024 07:56

He’s 18 and has committed a crime, one exploiting a vulnerable relative. This needs to be reported to the police.

CosyLemur · 25/12/2024 07:57

Personally as DSM unfortunately I don't think you can do anything it needs to be his Dad.

R053 · 25/12/2024 08:00

Yes, I think using his present money for the next few years to repay gran is a good idea. What an awful thing to do. I would find it very difficult to speak to a relative who did that.

If you are not going to call the police, I would arrange a family meeting to make arrangements to safeguard gran and her finances.

Thevelvelletes · 25/12/2024 08:02

If he's allowed to get away with this he will be emboldened to commit more crimes,if he can do it to gran he'll have no qualms in doing it to others.
I'd make it a police matter.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 25/12/2024 08:09

Surely you’ve reported him to police? If he’s done this and it goes unchallenged that’s a green light to offend again. Troubled or not I’d be showing him his actions have consequences.

hashimotosucks · 25/12/2024 08:16

This is a recent episode of 24 hrs in police custody when a neice took all her uncles money for drugs. It is a police matter it's financial abuse.

bowlingalleyblues · 25/12/2024 08:20

I would talk to the police, our local youth offending team are good and will help young people who have offended - it doesn’t have to lead to a prosecution, don’t brush it under the carpet.

Flatandhappy · 25/12/2024 08:33

You need to call the police, not cancel Christmas.

MadeForThis · 25/12/2024 08:47

Bil did this. It was coke.

MerrilyOnhigh · 25/12/2024 09:06

Who on earth says this is harsh, and why? He's lucky he's not in a police cell.

TheCatterall · 25/12/2024 09:08

cancel Christmas… how about ring the fucking police… if he can stoop this low with no consequences imagine what else he has done or will go on to do.

he needs a sharp shock now or he knows he can get away with this.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 25/12/2024 09:15

What does his father think and what is he doing regarding his son?

I would not want him in my house on any day, including Christmas. Somebody needs to remove him from his Nan's house abd change the locks, he can't stay there any longer and needs to suffer the consequences.

C152 · 25/12/2024 09:16

Who on earth has told you you're being harsh, OP? Was it your DSS's girlfriend? Because he's lucky you haven't called the police. He will need to either live with you from now onwards, or sort out somewhere else himself. You need to have the locks changed on his nan's house immediately and he needs to be told he's never living there again, regardless of what his nan may say later.

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/12/2024 10:26

Cancel Christmas??? I'd call the police!

Who raised this criminal grifter?

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/12/2024 10:27

MadeForThis · 25/12/2024 08:47

Bil did this. It was coke.

Spot on.

PatchworkElmer · 25/12/2024 10:35

What the heck?! Call the sodding police!

Original poster
Mothership6 · 26/12/2024 01:07

His Nan does know but she didn’t want to go to the police. She has told us not to worry about paying it back, but of course we feel responsible as he has no intention of paying her back. He doesn’t respond to messages and has made no attempts to contact MIL.

We have changed the locks on the house and told him he is not welcome there, he’s back with his Mum but spends a lot of time with his GF. His Mum and other members of her family are the ones who have said we are being harsh, complaining to my step daughter, saying we are unreasonable and not getting presents shouldn’t be a punishment.

I am horrified at the whole situation tbh, I felt so sorry for him!! He did so poorly in his GCSEs and has struggled with his mental health, I didn’t think he was capable of something like this.

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 26/12/2024 01:18

If he doesn't straighten out now it won't be long before other involvement in crime begins and how long before the Gf is pregnant?.
He has all the hallmarks of being one of life's fuck ups

Lighteningstrikes · 26/12/2024 05:15

YADNBU
Count your blessings he doesn’t live with you.

Not having any remorse for his actions is very worrying behaviour.

montelbano · 26/12/2024 05:58

So many things to unpick!
Well done for changing the locks on his Nan's house.
I would still check to see if he has taken out credit or a loan in her name ( if so, that would be a Police matter). Make sure that DH has all of her bank cards.

I understand his Nan not wanting to go to the Police but the stolen money has to be paid back. How you go about making him pay if he won't talk to you or your DH and doesn't care will be difficult if not impossible.
No doubt his mother does think you both are being harsh especially as he has had to go back to living with her. Tough. Perhaps she, and other family members would consider paying the money back? ( I know...some hope!) And replace the stolen items.

Given what he has done, there is nothing harsh about no Xmas presents: he is an adult and has to face the consequences.
However, there is a serious underlying problem which, if not addressed, will lead to a further downward spiral. Perhaps DH having a chat with the police might help, not in terms of him being arrested but simply to get advice.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 26/12/2024 08:35

A visit from the Police is the most appropriate gift for him this Christmas!!!

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 26/12/2024 14:56

Christmas is irrelevant to this. His dad needs to have a serious talk with and decide whether to dob him in and how he will repay the money.