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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited for Christmas:-(

61 replies

Geninitwin1979 · 24/12/2024 22:09

Hi all,

I am not sure how to navigate this situation so any advice is appreciated.
So I’m a single parent to three children two older (now adults) and one younger whose birthday is today (Christmas Eve). My youngest has had two brain tumours at age 5 and 8 and has come through them both but ls disabled mobility wise .. recently we have found out she is losing her sight rapidly and will go blind soon. Obviously that has been a shock and we are trying to come to terms with this news as a family. After telling my father and stepmother a few months back of this news we have not had much contact and support which was a bit disappointing. My dad has recently moved back from abroad and a couple of weeks ago my sister messaged me and told me she and her partner and children had been invited for Christmas dinner. I was hurt as we have always spent Christmas alone for years and I thought it would have been nice to have all been altogether for once and confused as to why we hadn’t been invited to join them.

Although hurt I didn’t say anything as thought maybe we will see them Boxing Day or new years.
I then received a message asking to visit us in mid January, well I was taken back and replied that I was miffed at not been invited for Christmas and no effort being made to see us actually over the holidays. I also mentioned it would have been nice to all be together seeing that DD may not have her vision by next Christmas, so would have been a great memory for her. I ended it saying I was cheesed off and hurt by not being invited. After stating all that all I got back was OK…Nothing else … not an explanation or an apology that I’m felling hurt etc just an ok.

Now I’m not sure what I expected but maybe an explanation or even something stating it wasn’t meant to cause hurt but I haven’t received anything of the sort.

how do I navigate this or do I just step back and let them get on with it?

thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Coffeemmmmcoffee · 24/12/2024 22:14

I’m so sorry. I’d be really hurt too. I wonder if the sharp/curt reply is because they know they have been unkind and are doubling down a bit and being grumpy whilst actually feeling a bit ashamed?

Is there anything else in your back history that would make them not wish to see you? Any drama with your older kids at all?

Original poster
Geninitwin1979 · 24/12/2024 22:18

Coffeemmmmcoffee · 24/12/2024 22:14

I’m so sorry. I’d be really hurt too. I wonder if the sharp/curt reply is because they know they have been unkind and are doubling down a bit and being grumpy whilst actually feeling a bit ashamed?

Is there anything else in your back history that would make them not wish to see you? Any drama with your older kids at all?

Thank you for your reply. No nothing, that’s why I’m so shocked and hurt I think. I can’t fathom why or what reason. We are normally a close family although have lived a distance for a few years as they were abroad but no deep rooted family issues.

OP posts:
Betsybee88 · 24/12/2024 22:20

I'd be direct and state the obvious tbh. Directly to the person who needs to hear the fact their grand daughter will have no visual memory of that time with them tbh.

DumplingsMakeMeSmile · 24/12/2024 22:22

I would call and ask why we'd not been invited. I realise that sounds confrontational, but he is your dad and should be prepared to have honest conversations with you.

If there is no justifiable reason, I would cut or go very low contact. It sounds so hurtful for you and your lovely DD.

CatStoleMyChocolate · 24/12/2024 22:23

I’m really sorry about your DD. Being honest, I find family either step up or step back in this kind of situation. Based on my own experience (of a DC with a diagnosis with far less serious implications than your daughter’s), they may not know what to say and/or may be in denial about the extent of her health issues. They may be wrapped up in their own lives. They may have put it in the “too difficult” bucket (I’m so sorry if this sounds offensive - it isn’t meant to).

So it may not be anything to do with any of you as individuals - which doesn’t make it any less shit and hurtful. Good on you for calling it out directly, a lot of people wouldn’t.

Tristar15 · 24/12/2024 22:25

Sorry to hear this as it’s poor behaviour on their part. At best they’ve been totally thoughtless and at worst deliberately mean.

I know it’s easy to say but focus on you and your DD having a special and lovely Christmas together. Decide if you want to see them in January, try and take a bit of control back.

It seems like they haven’t a clue how hard things have been for you and seemingly think it’s okay not to invite you. The response is not okay either. I hope they do feel ashamed but I feel from the response that they may be defensive moving forward and won’t admit to causing hurt.

I hope you and your daughter have a lovely Christmas 🎄

TheHateIsNotGood · 24/12/2024 22:26

YANBU - you said it in one and now they're digesting it - including their guilt. No doubt they'll chuck it back at you somehow, but you know and they know and you've now saved yourself many future years of angst.

From now on, you have the upper hand and control over your own xmas and indeed everything. They will eventually miss your 'presence' by which time you can state that as you weren't wanted before........and let them grovel for it.

miniaturepixieonacid · 24/12/2024 22:27

Could it be that they don't have the space/time/capacity to host both families at once and planned to invite you alternate years? Then maybe felt guilty that they hadnt considered that this could be your daughter's last Christmas with her sight and got defensive?

If you are all normally close, I'd try and fix this.

Movingonup313 · 24/12/2024 22:27

Im really sorry. I would either cut ties or turn up with my dd on the day that my sister is invited (if that is feasible) and play dumb as if it was meant to be Imagine cutting you out.... esp in the circumstances.

AgileGreenSeal · 24/12/2024 22:28

You have to just let them be the way they are, sorry, OP.
You can’t make them become caring, helpful people if that’s not who they are.

Very sorry to hear your daughter is losing her sight 🙁

UltramarineViolet · 24/12/2024 22:29

Is it possible that your father assumed you were spending Xmas with your adult children and their families?

NiftyPeachDreamer · 24/12/2024 22:30

Well done for calling your dad out.

Assuming they have space to have you all, I’d take a massive step back from them. Your dad sounds incredibly small minded.

Better not to expose your dc to their twattery.

Be wary of them cutting you out and going straight to your adult DC.

WearyAuldWumman · 24/12/2024 22:31

We had a similar situation a few years back. I'd say that you did the right thing speaking up now - but don't hold back. You still need more from them than that non-response.

In our case, my DH was told "Oh...I didn't think you'd want to come." (DH had hemiparesis following a stroke.)

I bit my tongue for a couple of years. I shouldn't have. I exploded a couple of months after DH's funeral. That side of the family has gone NC with me. Fine.

I should have spoken up sooner. I'm glad that you have much more of a backbone than I have.

Original poster
Geninitwin1979 · 24/12/2024 22:35

UltramarineViolet · 24/12/2024 22:29

Is it possible that your father assumed you were spending Xmas with your adult children and their families?

Thanks for your response. They are both at uni and live at home with me so he knows they are always with me naturally. My sisters kids are adults as well. I could understand if not enough room but he has large house … we wouldn’t stay over just drive there and back so in that respect no reason.

OP posts:
Felimscat · 24/12/2024 22:37

So sorry you are going through this OP. They sound crap. Evidently they're not going to change now though so it would serve you and your DC best to move on and focus on people who do care. It's painful but this year I've also had to face some hard truths about my family and lack of support. I'm also a single parent and it's astounding how uncaring or downright indifferent my family are. I hope you have some good friends around you. I have a small handful of friends who I am grateful for.

I hope you and your DC have a good day tomorrow. Sorry your youngest is going through such major health issues.

Enough4me · 24/12/2024 22:44

Sorry you've been treated very badly here. Go ahead with your day, their loss, and I hope it goes well 🎄

poetryandwine · 24/12/2024 22:53

This simply sucks, OP. I have no advice but I am so sorry for what you and your family, especially your DD, are going through.

Endofyear · 24/12/2024 22:54

I'm so sorry, that's really hurtful and I don't blame you for being very upset! After all you've been through and are still going through, I would have thought your family would be much more supportive. I hope you have a good day with your lovely children. On a positive note, you can all please yourselves, do things your way and don't have to fit in with anyone else's plans!

Scarydinosaurs · 24/12/2024 22:57

I think you have to pick up the phone.

To me, there cannot be a good reason to explain their horrible behaviour- but maybe they have one. Texts aren’t the medium you need here.

purpleme12 · 24/12/2024 23:02

Wow that is really cold

I can only imagine how hurt you must feel
I am so sorry

I don't know how I'd even react to that

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 24/12/2024 23:07

I think this is one of those occasions where you have to have it out with him.

You don't have to be confrontational - though you couldn't be blamed if you were because this is too fucking hurtful for words, I am so sorry!! - but just be forthright and explain your situation.

Tell him straight that you would have liked to have had a Christmas where your DD would have still been able to see her family. That's such hateful and uncaring behaviour. If you don't get a satisfactory explanation (and I can't think of a single one), I'd definitely think about at least going LC.

You are and have been going through such difficult times and you could have done with their support.

I hope you have a lovely time with your children. Your family's loss x

BoundaryGirl3939 · 24/12/2024 23:09

Is your father normally good at explaining or elaborating in a text message? Does he normally give just one word replies?

I would be hurt too. It doesn't help when there is a step mother on the scene who probably is calling the shots to an extent.

August2024 · 24/12/2024 23:12

Felimscat · 24/12/2024 22:37

So sorry you are going through this OP. They sound crap. Evidently they're not going to change now though so it would serve you and your DC best to move on and focus on people who do care. It's painful but this year I've also had to face some hard truths about my family and lack of support. I'm also a single parent and it's astounding how uncaring or downright indifferent my family are. I hope you have some good friends around you. I have a small handful of friends who I am grateful for.

I hope you and your DC have a good day tomorrow. Sorry your youngest is going through such major health issues.

This is good advice. Am going through something similar and this is exactly what I am trying to do.

LBFseBrom · 24/12/2024 23:14

Your dad obviously has to process what you said, he probably feels awful about it so give him a bit of time. I would be hurt too in your place and agree it would have been nice for your daughter. Do dad and step-mother live far away from you, I mean would it be a long car journey?

Whatever happens I hope you and your own family have a lovely Christmas. Don't let this spoil that.

Windmill34 · 24/12/2024 23:21

Had your father got no backbone ! To treat his daughter & grandchildren this way is
no words sorry
what do your uni kids say ?

I literally could not forgive him and be so hurt
what does sister who’s been invited say about it ? Surely she should speak up ?

If dad or ds don’t do anything I’d personally drop the pair of them
focus on your in family, give your youngest all the luv and care she needs growing up