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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited for Christmas:-(

61 replies

Geninitwin1979 · 24/12/2024 22:09

Hi all,

I am not sure how to navigate this situation so any advice is appreciated.
So I’m a single parent to three children two older (now adults) and one younger whose birthday is today (Christmas Eve). My youngest has had two brain tumours at age 5 and 8 and has come through them both but ls disabled mobility wise .. recently we have found out she is losing her sight rapidly and will go blind soon. Obviously that has been a shock and we are trying to come to terms with this news as a family. After telling my father and stepmother a few months back of this news we have not had much contact and support which was a bit disappointing. My dad has recently moved back from abroad and a couple of weeks ago my sister messaged me and told me she and her partner and children had been invited for Christmas dinner. I was hurt as we have always spent Christmas alone for years and I thought it would have been nice to have all been altogether for once and confused as to why we hadn’t been invited to join them.

Although hurt I didn’t say anything as thought maybe we will see them Boxing Day or new years.
I then received a message asking to visit us in mid January, well I was taken back and replied that I was miffed at not been invited for Christmas and no effort being made to see us actually over the holidays. I also mentioned it would have been nice to all be together seeing that DD may not have her vision by next Christmas, so would have been a great memory for her. I ended it saying I was cheesed off and hurt by not being invited. After stating all that all I got back was OK…Nothing else … not an explanation or an apology that I’m felling hurt etc just an ok.

Now I’m not sure what I expected but maybe an explanation or even something stating it wasn’t meant to cause hurt but I haven’t received anything of the sort.

how do I navigate this or do I just step back and let them get on with it?

thanks in advance.

OP posts:
janeavrilavril · 24/12/2024 23:22

an answer of ok, is so insulting. I think they know they are arseholes but didn't expect to be called out on it and have no good response - I mean who would. You know now what to ever expect from them and hopefully you'll get a chance in the future to use your own 'ok' when they may need something from you.

DaringlyPurple · 24/12/2024 23:27

I'd be shocked too. I can't think there is any excuse for it.

I am sorry about your daughter's challenges. My son had cancer as a teenager but was lucky and recovered without any discernible side effects.

Merry Christmas from me at least.🎄 I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your children. I probably wouldn't visit your dad and stepmother in January either.

Fraaances · 24/12/2024 23:29

Phone and speak to your dad and ask “Wtf Is wrong with you?”

BruFord · 24/12/2024 23:40

I'm glad that you've spoken your mind to him. Now it's up to him to make amends. I'm not sure that I'd be visiting them in mid-January if he hasn't by then.

If this is going to be his attitude going forward, he can do without your family. You have three lovely children so enjoy Christmas with them, you don't need unkind people in your life. Flowers

pinkdelight · 24/12/2024 23:43

If you're normally a close family, as you say, how come you've spent Xmas alone for years and not with your sister and her kids? Not picking holes, just trying to think why your dad might see you separately rather than do the all together thing, as it sounds like you've not been doing it all together even with the family members that were in the same country. Sounds like the family may not be so close in reality even if you'd hoped they would've been. Sorry for your daughter and missing out but I'm sure you'll have the best memories together without those unfeeling people.

Hillarious · 24/12/2024 23:45

As a family, do you ever speak to each other, or do you just message? Communication via messages isn’t great and leaves no opportunity for any discussion. You may have missed the boat on this one.

olympicsrock · 24/12/2024 23:52

On the face of things this sounds rubbish. Did you suggest / invite them to spend time with you? You could have phoned up and suggested that you visit them over the Christmas period?

4forksache · 25/12/2024 00:00

I’m not sure how you’ll come back from that. It’s pretty hurtful.

Dillydollydingdong · 25/12/2024 00:01

I think I would have contacted df and said we'll be there Christmas morning at about 11.00 and did they want us to bring anything. He would have been left in the position of having to contact you to say ok, or to explain that you weren't invited and the reasons why.

Liddlediddle · 25/12/2024 00:09

I'm playing devils advocate here.

Did you talk to you Dad and Step Mum about Christmas plans at any time? If you've always had christmases on your own and you hadn't mentioned anything about Christmas I can see why they might have assumed you were going to do the same as in previous years. I can understand why you wanted to spend Christmas together because of your DDs sight but is it possible it might have come across as insincere as you only mentioned it to them so close to Christmas. They might be wondering why you left it so late to mention or why you didn't ask them to come to your house?

I think they have been thoughtless though.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 25/12/2024 00:28

Sending you hugs 🫂

SpryUmberZebra · 25/12/2024 00:37

Geninitwin1979 · 24/12/2024 22:35

Thanks for your response. They are both at uni and live at home with me so he knows they are always with me naturally. My sisters kids are adults as well. I could understand if not enough room but he has large house … we wouldn’t stay over just drive there and back so in that respect no reason.

Show quote history

Sorry, this is very sad and I would be upset as well.

Does your sister know that you were not invited and if yes what’s her view? She has every right to go but if you were my sister and this was happening I would probably refuse to go because it is unfair unless there is backstory eg you’re not really close to your sister, or she’s the golden child etc.

DreamTheMoors · 25/12/2024 00:46

Geninitwin1979 · 24/12/2024 22:18

Thank you for your reply. No nothing, that’s why I’m so shocked and hurt I think. I can’t fathom why or what reason. We are normally a close family although have lived a distance for a few years as they were abroad but no deep rooted family issues.

Show quote history

You need to decide how much you’re worth and how much you’re worth to them.
It took me years but once I figured that out, it was easy enough to decide how much time and heartache was worth their cruelty.

WearyAuldWumman · 25/12/2024 00:46

SpryUmberZebra · 25/12/2024 00:37

Sorry, this is very sad and I would be upset as well.

Does your sister know that you were not invited and if yes what’s her view? She has every right to go but if you were my sister and this was happening I would probably refuse to go because it is unfair unless there is backstory eg you’re not really close to your sister, or she’s the golden child etc.

Show quote history

Yes, let the sister know.

Months after my husband was excluded from a family gathering, we found out that his son didn't realise that no invitation had been extended to his dad. (Yes, this particular gathering did require an invitation.)

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/12/2024 01:11

As the mother of a (now adult) disabled child, I lost friends and family post dx. In the case of at least two it was "Oh, disability, dont know how to deal with that......so I wont". It was ignorance and fear.

They didnt want to deal with anything that they didnt understand so they just backed right off. Sounds like this may be the case here.

Hard as it is, in the long term you will see that them showing their hand early has done you a favour. After all, they can never disappoint you again because you will never expect anything from them. But remember what they have done and I am sure you will. One of the family members wanted a favour from me a couple of years after backing right off from me and DS, and I took great pleasure in saying NO!

How is your sister reacting? Does she support you?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 25/12/2024 01:19

You could reply with "Is that all you have to say?"

Haveacuppaandwaitforthistoblowover · 25/12/2024 02:28

I just want to say by some miracle your daughter doesn't lose her sight!

You sound like a good mother, doing the best you can.

I wish you and your little family well 💖

LK2021 · 25/12/2024 02:54

My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately you either see the best of people or the worst when you go through these things. I know it’s breaking your heart but you need to think of you own little unit and fuck them. The only people that matter is who you choose. Let in those that deserve your attention. It sucks that you have to harden your heart but you will be constantly be hurt and wondering what you did wrong. When you did NOTHING wrong.
My Dad passed away from oesophageal cancer in May and not one person has bothered to check up on my stepmom or I. The attitude was we should run after them. We have just been left alone. You really get shown the truth of people when it comes to things like this ❤️

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/12/2024 03:14

WearyAuldWumman · 25/12/2024 00:46

Yes, let the sister know.

Months after my husband was excluded from a family gathering, we found out that his son didn't realise that no invitation had been extended to his dad. (Yes, this particular gathering did require an invitation.)

Show quote history

Funny how the arseholes dont want to shine a light on their behaviour isnt it?

What I dont get is, if they think that their behaviour is entirely justified, I would actually respect that more than the lies and avoidance most of them do, which proves that they know it isnt justified!

In the OPs case (and mine many years ago), if they came out and said "Look I am uncomfortable around disable people, I dont know how to deal with them so I would rather not have any contact with you" then at least its honest. Not nice but honest and I would respect their honesty and their willingness to own up to it, despite what I would think about their views. The response of "OK" definitely says to me that they are lost at sea (embarrassed? quite possibly) with having a disabled grandchild and are dealing with it by not dealing with and that I do not respect at all. If you are a prick, at least have the decency to own it!

Original poster
Geninitwin1979 · 25/12/2024 06:59

pinkdelight · 24/12/2024 23:43

If you're normally a close family, as you say, how come you've spent Xmas alone for years and not with your sister and her kids? Not picking holes, just trying to think why your dad might see you separately rather than do the all together thing, as it sounds like you've not been doing it all together even with the family members that were in the same country. Sounds like the family may not be so close in reality even if you'd hoped they would've been. Sorry for your daughter and missing out but I'm sure you'll have the best memories together without those unfeeling people.

My sister lives a few hours away from us and she has spent every year with her in laws. So in her respect it has always been distance and in law commitments and I’ve been fine with that but my father has moved smack bang in middle ground to both of us and his first year back. If he had told me himself and if he had made the effort to see us a few days later or in the Christmas period then I could have let it go a bit but I think what hurt more was the no effort at all over Christmas. Plus it is his granddaughters birthday as well along with the response.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 25/12/2024 07:07

Their behaviour is unforgivable in my opinion. What an awful way to treat their daughter and grand-daughter who is losing her sight. And to not even bother on their grand-daughter's birthday? There is absolutely no excuse for this as they have a house big enough to host both families. It's almost as though they are trying to be deliberately cruel and hurtful.

I hope you have a lovely day at home with all your children.

Original poster
Geninitwin1979 · 25/12/2024 07:36

Hillarious · 24/12/2024 23:45

As a family, do you ever speak to each other, or do you just message? Communication via messages isn’t great and leaves no opportunity for any discussion. You may have missed the boat on this one.

Yes we speak via calls and video calls as well… I received these messages at work

OP posts:
Original poster
Geninitwin1979 · 25/12/2024 07:40

Liddlediddle · 25/12/2024 00:09

I'm playing devils advocate here.

Did you talk to you Dad and Step Mum about Christmas plans at any time? If you've always had christmases on your own and you hadn't mentioned anything about Christmas I can see why they might have assumed you were going to do the same as in previous years. I can understand why you wanted to spend Christmas together because of your DDs sight but is it possible it might have come across as insincere as you only mentioned it to them so close to Christmas. They might be wondering why you left it so late to mention or why you didn't ask them to come to your house?

I think they have been thoughtless though.

I visited them in October half term and mentioned Christmas and asked what they was planning and said we haven’t anything planned as yet and I was told they hadn’t decided as yet either. It’s not just the not being invited Christmas Day it’s the little effort over the whole holidays. Just an invite at some point out of courtesy and respect. I just can’t imagine inviting one child and not the others at Christmas.

OP posts:
NiftyPeachDreamer · 25/12/2024 07:43

I’d see what effort they make for the visit in Jan.

If they do the bare minimal, then I’d go low contact.

Are they well off?

NotNowGertrude · 25/12/2024 08:10

It's awful to be treated like that. I know as my dad & step mum do the same to me, they never say what they're doing until they've arranged something with someone else! It's hurt me over the years but I've slowly let go. If they don't want to see me & my kids over Xmas they are the ones missing out & I'm LC with them now