Not to let my DH travel alone with DC just yet

[Hocuspoc]

My dh doesn't have the best relationship with his parents. He is also very secretive as to why exactly and it has been like this for years.
They live abroad and our DC is their first grandson.
He is almost two and they never visited and met him (although invited). They've also invited us repeatedly so they could meet him, but my dh has always refused for us to go.
In recent weeks their communication improved slightly and now my husband is keen on paying them a visit with our dc but he is adamant I don't join.
Now why this doesn't sit well with me - firstly I am not offered any reason why I am not welcomed to join. And most importantly, my dh is very light touch when it comes to parenting - all the night wake ups, feedings, meals in general, routines - that is all me. He works much more and yes he does jump in if I need to leave them for a few hours, but he doesn't grasp the amount of effort needed to take everything on full time. I'll be worrying around here also not knowing how he'll handle if there is a fallout with his parents (and how does dc fit into that situation - don't know much about their family dynamics as dh has always kept his cards close on that topic - which makes me worry). All in all this seems forced and sudden.

This has alarm bells all over it OP.

I would not be letting a secretive, disengaged man take my child abroad without me for anything, even if that man was my husband. I would genuinely be worried he might be planning to not come back.

Has he explained why he doesn’t want you to come? Do you get in with your in-laws?

What country is he planning on going to? Hague Convention country or not?

This 100%. Your child's safety is at risk.

You married him and had kids whilst he is being so secretive about something as important as him family?! Mental.

I too am hearing VERY LOUD alarm bells OP! Although why you've put up with all this secrecy is beyond me, I certainly couldn't live like this. Just tell him that there is no way that he's taking your child abroad without you, this IS your hill to die on!!

No way would I allow my child to go abroad without.me under these circumstances. Why doesn't he want you to go? This is all very strange

You don't have to say it here, but the country he wants to take ds to makes a difference.
Are his parents young enough and/or fit enough to actually help him care for a lovely two year old with his routine disrupted?
If you would be ok with them going if dh was more hands on/prepared for full time childcare, maybe go to a friends or a hotel overnight(s) near enough to get home quickly if you're needed or worried, first, so dh knows exactly what's involved.
If you have other concerns, just say no. And hide your son's passport!

Absolutely 100% not a chance, although echoing PP's, I really don't understand how you end up married to someone who has always been 'secretive' about his relationship with his family.

Nope, his only answer is that he has a right to travel with his child, as have I in the past. Yes I have - but this was because he didn't want to travel with us - being busy and all - I asked him to join us.

The in laws are polite to me, but let's just say I wasn't their first pick. But I never held the grudge and I am regularly in touch etc.
However I think he may have held the grudge and it may have to do with their relationship, but he doesn't want to say that.

Nope huge alarm bells for me that he will leave and not come back. There is no way I would allow this

Is there more to this scenario, arranged marriage perhaps, I feel like you are saying you barely know this man. When I first saw the title I thought it was going to be a post about one parent being over controlling and not letting the other do things with the kids. But I feel like there’s a huge part of the tale missing. For what it’s worth going on what little you’ve said, no way should you let them travel with him.

Well because it wasn't so obvious their relationship is any different than other family living across different countries for a prolonged period. And to be fair they got more distanced (or he has tbh) since we god married - really nothing to do with me interfering or influencing - I just think weren't particularly keen on him getting married.
Also, no religious connotations - just to avoid confusion.

my husband is keen on paying them a visit with our dc but he is adamant I don't join.

Hard hard no.

And I'd be hiding the passports.

Is it Hague Convention?

What country OP?

To avoid confusion - no arranged marriage situation here, both of us from different european countries.
I personally think the reason they disliked me is more due to social status.
About Hague convention country question - need to check that, but if this is what I need to be checking - there's an answer for me...

For whoever asked - His parents are capable, good health, educated (if that matters), his mother very very controlling (although I never told him I think that, their relationship is horrible as it is, no need for me to add oil to that). She was also always kind and polite to me. If it wasn't for him I'd never know they didn't like me.

need to check that, but if this is what I need to be checking - there's an answer for me

Possibly. But I wouldn't allow my wonderful, trustworthy, awesome, great dad DH to take DD somewhere I wasn't invited without a very good reason. Regardless of Hague Convention.

And when she was 2, and if he wasn't hands-on? Not in a million years.

She was also always kind and polite to me. If it wasn't for him I'd never know they didn't like me.

so you do t actually know she doesn’t like you. He just tells you she doesn’t.
he could easily be telling them the opposite and that is why he doesn’t want you to spend any time together, in case you all figure it out.

id just be telling him that either you all go or only he goes. I’d also be contacting his mum and having a proper chat with her.

Why won't you tell us the country?

@Hocuspoc why dont you contact your inlaws yourself and just ask them what is going on with their relationship and why does their son not want you to travel to theirs. if you do it on a zoom call you might be able to guage their reactions better. do it when your dh is at work!

This is what I would do .

It's not fair on a child that isn't used to being cared for by their father for more than a few hours here and there to be carted off to a foreign country to stay with strangers without their primary care giver. Does your child understand the language they'll all be speaking? Do your trust your DH to care for your child appropriately?

I'd offer to go along and stay in a hotel locally. You can have a nice minibreak during the day, go to the spa etc, let them get on with it, but at the end of the day child comes home to sleep at the hotel.

even if it’s a Hague convention country, it’s not like it’s an easy battle. Better part of a year I think to go though and get the recovery order. I’d imagine being not hands on wouldn’t be an issue as he’d be planning to get his mother to do all the parenting.

Because of trying to keep it sort of anonymous I guess. It is a Hague convention country - just googled thar. But as I said already - completely irrelevant - I am not keen on having to rely on courts here!!
My question is if I am being paranoid or unreasonable to even think something is off here.

I know you've "explained" this but i agree with @CheeseWisely i just CANNOT imagine how you married someone in these circs and how you are married... he sounds like a stranger of sorts and like he keeps a secret self from you.

I know my DH better than anyone in the world.
He would actually say i am the only person in the world that knows the "real him". For me, its him and my mother that know the true version of me... we know what the other persons feelings /opinions are 99%+ of the time without discussion.

That aside, hell would freeze over before i let my child go abroad without me in the circs you describe.
It sounds SO off.
His options would be: I accompany or theres no trip.

I'd secure the passport and be researching lawyers in the interim and I'd willing to start legal action if necessary.

Edit: I'd also contact them directly ideally via video call - really good suggestion from pp

OP how was his reaction to you wanting to come?