Not to let my DH travel alone with DC just yet

[Hocuspoc]

My dh doesn't have the best relationship with his parents. He is also very secretive as to why exactly and it has been like this for years.
They live abroad and our DC is their first grandson.
He is almost two and they never visited and met him (although invited). They've also invited us repeatedly so they could meet him, but my dh has always refused for us to go.
In recent weeks their communication improved slightly and now my husband is keen on paying them a visit with our dc but he is adamant I don't join.
Now why this doesn't sit well with me - firstly I am not offered any reason why I am not welcomed to join. And most importantly, my dh is very light touch when it comes to parenting - all the night wake ups, feedings, meals in general, routines - that is all me. He works much more and yes he does jump in if I need to leave them for a few hours, but he doesn't grasp the amount of effort needed to take everything on full time. I'll be worrying around here also not knowing how he'll handle if there is a fallout with his parents (and how does dc fit into that situation - don't know much about their family dynamics as dh has always kept his cards close on that topic - which makes me worry). All in all this seems forced and sudden.

It all sounds very cloak and dagger tbh. Not sure if that's actually the case or the way it's being relayed here, in an effort to maintain anonymity

I understand what you mean - he knows me better than anyone really, and I do know him better than anyone (probably not better than his mother) - the tricky bit is that he is a very introverted person. He is just the type who grew up thinking men are not allowed to cry or show too much weakness, he needs to sort out his struggles and battles alone.

Absolutely no way! Do not let your DC go in this situation. Insist on going with them if your husband is adamant. That is the only acceptable compromise

What details do you want from me? My name and NIN? Apologies to you for trying to maintain some anonymity, but am not sharing any personal info here sorry - it is common sense.
The rest of the post is factual and accurate, but take it as you wish.

Annoyed - would be the most accurate description. Trying to pin it on me being over controlling and not trusting him with dc.
This is why I am writing here to hear different opinions, am I really being unreasonable.

You are being very reasonable.

Him, not really.

My thought exactly and exactly what I told him - to which he got offended - how come his parents are strangers (asked by a man who refused visiting them). Also how come I think he is not capable of taking care of him alone (asked by a man who never cared to watch a first aid video because 'cmon why do you always think the worst can happen').

Absolutely over my dead body would this be happening. Give DC passport to someone you can trust to secure it properly for you and not give it to your DH. Seek legal advice as soon as you’re able to. Do not leave this down to chance because even in a Hague convention country it can take years and cost thousands to return your child to you.

@Hocuspoc would you be able to find your way to their house alone???

I've never been in this situation but don't you have to give express permission for your DC to leave the country?
If you don't feel comfortable then don't do it.

@Hocuspoc instead of focussing on what you want and prefer (which he is knocking down) turn it around.....

"DH, how would you feel if I said I wanted to take DS to meet family I actively avoided, didnt want to see and didnt have a relationship with and told you that you are not allowed to come with us?"

And when he comes back with the inevitable answer....

"No, it isnt different. You never speak of them, wont tell me why you fell out with them, wont tell me why you want to go now and wont tell me why you dont want me there. So again, how would you feel if I wanted to do that?"

The nuclear option is to get an alert put on DS's passport so he cant leave the country without your say so. But that would really be the nuclear option.

I think it’s ok not to know all family details. I didn’t tell DH everything from the very start and some things became known to him recently after knowing me nearly 30 years. It’s not secrecy it’s more like privacy. And people from very different backgrounds often can’t relate to each other families dynamics. However the demand of you not coming with them is very very odd. It doesn’t matter how good and involved your DH is. It’s just a strange request why you, his wife and a mother of his child is not welcomed to go and visit his parents as there is no any problems between you. And bearing in mind that this small child is coming with him and you are the main carer , this request is even odder.
I would be very suspicious and watchful and remove DC’s passport and birth certificate out of the house.
The argument “just because I have a right to do so” never looks good when it comes to welfare of small children. At least it’s a very selfish attitude.

Thinking further, I wonder if him not seeing them has been blamed on you (by him) because he didnt want to tell them the truth (whatever the hell that is). Then something has happened (one of them is ill maybe, or MIL laying on the emotional blackmail) and that means you cant go because you will unravel the lies he told about you not allowing him to visit or for them to meet DS.

Yes, but that is sort of irrelevant if you are implying I'd need to chase him around, he could go anywhere else then...

Yes you do, officially, but in practice noone asked me anything when we were travelling alone, and I've heard the same from others here...

"If it wasn't for him I'd never know they didn't like me."

So you only know because he told you? This has red flags all over it. He could have told you and his parents all sorts of conflicting information.

His refusing to let you come AND not even bothering to make up offer a convincing reason is a huge red flag, especially as his parents have invited both of you to visit them in the past. What he proposes to do is unusual; in a normal relationship there might be reasons why he'd rather you stay home or it made sense for him to go alone, but his being willing and able to TELL you why is pretty fundamental. His refusing to discuss it is, at the very least, disrespectful to you and the relationship.

The issue of him possibly not being able to care for his child on his own is a separate one; he does need to get up to speed there as you should each be able to parent alone if circumstances require it.

I have to agree with this.

Is he "private" or is he simply a liar playing other people for his own purposes? Thinking logically, it makes far more sense as to why he wants to keep you apart, if he wants neither "side" to expose his lies to the other than his convoluted reasons.......

As someone has already said above, this is a "take the passports out of the house and where he can't get them" situation.

Well, he didn't exactly tell me but it's just the small things over time. All things added - every piece of news that involved us getting to a next stage in our relationship (starting from moving in together and all that followed) - there was always a planning session on how to carefully let them know about it.

I have to agree with the majority here. Your partner behaviour is concerning and I would not trust him at all. He wants to take your DC abroad alone because he has a 'right' to do so? He's shown no interest in looking after DC alone before but wants to do it now? He has told you his parents don't like you butt they have not behaved badly towards you? They want to see DC but haven't even visited?

Nope, do not let him take your child from you. He cannot choose to be secretive when it is your child’s welfare at stake. Be honest if it is safe for you to do so and say you are either coming or your child stays home and his behaviour is concerning. You are his partner and the child's mother, so you have rights too.

@Hocuspoc ahh i see it can be v difficult with an introvert...but honestly you are married with a child. He needs to be able to level with you now.

I agree there's a divide and conquer thing going on and its utterly bizarre he cant even articulate a sensible reason (even a plausible lie) as to why you cannot go together as a family.

Very strange- my DH would want us all to go together- but would go alone if i couldn’t make it

Yes, this is what stuck out to me.

A whole bloody mile of red flags, op.

Hide your dc's passports.

Why didn't your h want to see his parents?
What has changed?
Why doesn't he want you to go too, op?

You need answers to so these things.

Do you trust him OP?

If yes, why don’t you let him take them?

This is making my alarm bells ring massively but probably for different reasons that I can’t put my finger on.

I feel like if you trusted him, then you would let him take them.
And so you must not trust him and I wonder why.

I completely understand wanting to visit your parents without your partner as it’s a different dynamic, but this just seems odd.

Would you compromise and say you’ll go too but stay in a nearby hotel.
He would be free to have the kids at his parents but you would be there in case you’re needed (and if not you can have a mini break yourself).