Never having the choice to spend Christmas Eve with my partner

[itsxmaseve2]

Am I being unreasonable to feel fed up with this? My partner has a long-standing tradition of going out every Christmas Eve with the men in his family and his friends. They head to the pub at 11am and don’t come back until it closes around 11pm. It’s something they’ve done for years—long before I came along—and in the 7 years we’ve been together, I’ve only spent one Christmas Eve with him.

I don’t begrudge him time with his family and friends, but I feel like I don’t even have the choice to spend it with him. I usually end up staying home with our dog or popping out to the pub with my own friends, but what I’d really like is a quiet, cozy evening with my partner.

It’s not like I expect him to skip it every year, but surely there’s room for compromise? Or is this tradition more important than spending any of the day with me?

So, AIBU to feel upset about this, or do I just need to accept it for what it is?

What are the woman folk doing ? Why not arrange something with them?

They all stay home either with their kids or with their family

If it has been something he's done for years before he met you I would just suck it up or do something with the other women in the family on Xmas Eve.

Gender-segregated socialising is so boring. I don't think I could be in a relationship which defaulted to "the menfolk drink, the womenfolk stay at home" at any point. In my social circle, partners would be invited to these drinks if they were at a loose end and wanted to come.

That said I don't think Xmas Eve is special enough to ringfence for "couple time" either. If DP had this sort of tradition and I didn't want to go myself, I'd be pretty happy to do my own thing (drinks with your own friends or a night in with a dog both sound great).

I absolutely would not like that. What state are they in after 12 hours drinking?
I bet the other women are not thrilled to be left with all the childcare and jobs that usually need doing on Christmas Eve day.
Don't know what you can do about it without being told your controlling.
Are they all capable of contributing to family life on Christmas Day?
Sorry but this has irrationally annoyed me on your behalf.

12 hours in the pub!!!
I'd be fed up with such a ridiculous 'tradition' too. Sounds neanderthal to me. (And expensive!!).

Pre kids? Probably wouldn't have bothered me.
Now? Absolutely not a chance in hell.
Is every man in his family happy to miss the fun of Christmas Eve with their child?!
To be hungover and tired on Christmas morning when their children are opening their gifts?

As you don't have kids to share childcare of, he has the choice to spend Christmas Eve (or any other day) with whomever he wishes. You might not like his choices, and that's understandable. I wouldn't either! I'd probably go with them tbh.

If his choice of his friends over you is reflective of your relationship as a whole, I'd say a serious chat is in order.

Unless he has peeled all the veg, wrapped up all the joint gifts you are giving, made the custard layer of the trifle, calculated the turkey defrosting times and put away his laundry, hoovered up and got the fancy plates out of the loft before he goes then I'd be annoyed.

This is the man you’ve chosen. It really is a fit in or fuck off situation.

No, I wouldn’t accept this every year from my partner.

I was going to say it’s one night, you have the other nights, it’s his family tradition etc but the whole day in the pub on Christmas Eve from 11am to 11pm??? That’s just taking the piss.

We are hoping to have children in the next few years and I won't tolerate it but his dad did it when DP was a young child and always missed putting him to bed and would come home splattered. Eventually it caused DP's parents to divorce over this - that's what I am worried about. It becoming a similar situation in the long run

It’s a very long day (4/5pm - 11pm would be more reasonable so they can help with the prep). Pre kids not an issue - I used to go out every Xmas eve evening as a lot of my friends had moved away and it was the one night a year everyone was guaranteed to be home, catch up with people you knew but weren’t close enough to see all the time etc. After kids I would ask for a compromise - come home at dinner time or go out after kids in bed.

Also wouldn’t be happy if they got in a state and couldn’t enjoy Xmas day.

I think I’d think a little less of him if this is what he enjoys. Must get so boring after about hour 4 😆

I wouldn't stay with a man who went out drinking for 12+ hours at a time.

That's a very convenient tradition for the men isn't it? Out for 12 hours drinking leaving their female partners to deal with hyped up DC, shopping, food etc.
I genuinely couldn't be part of a family like that. Dinosaurs.

Absolutely not. I wouldn't like it pre-kids, let alone post-kids. So he and his family do fuck all while the women run around making the magic happen, tending the children and prepping? Lazy bastards, the lot of them! Their poor wives and partners!

I would not have children with this man. He won't stop. He'll complain that he feels left out or his family will put pressure on and then you'll be the villain in it all. And he'll side with his family, because obviously that's what's seen as the norm.

It will be exactly the same situation. If you can’t tolerate it, don’t get married or have children with him.

He’s telling you who he is, believe him.

This. Have an open and honest conversation about what you expect from each other when you have children, are married etc.

And be prepared to make the difficult choices if you realise that you aren’t compatible/your views don’t align.

this tradition leaves women to prepare everything for the 25th and look after the children. Whereas the men get to sit back, leave the house and get plastered… I would not tolerate that. And it doesn’t sound like your DP had the maturity and self-awareness to question this “tradition”. I would be extremely worried about this.

Do not have children with him until you have had a very frank conversation about this.

@PumpkinsAndCoconuts I'm assuming that as well as the 24th, the women have to pick up all of the slack on the 25th too!
The state they must get in!

Hmm.. op. I would book myself a really nice hotel.. one with a spa.
book yourself a nice dinner, go for a walk. Book pampering treatment, have some cocktails/ wine and bring a really good book.
Turn up on Christmas morning nice and relaxed. Ask him what he’s got planned dinner. Have a lot picky bits and cheese.
if he doesn’t take note LTB.

To me that's a late teens early 20s "tradition" not one to be carrying into real adulthood.

They can of course go for a drink but why all day, can't even imagine the state they are in. Surely it ruins Christmas Day

A few hours - fair enough have fun but the entire day is a piss take.

I don’t know if I would want to have kids with him because he won’t stop the tradition if it’s ingrained into the family.