Never having the choice to spend Christmas Eve with my partner

[itsxmaseve2]

Am I being unreasonable to feel fed up with this? My partner has a long-standing tradition of going out every Christmas Eve with the men in his family and his friends. They head to the pub at 11am and don’t come back until it closes around 11pm. It’s something they’ve done for years—long before I came along—and in the 7 years we’ve been together, I’ve only spent one Christmas Eve with him.

I don’t begrudge him time with his family and friends, but I feel like I don’t even have the choice to spend it with him. I usually end up staying home with our dog or popping out to the pub with my own friends, but what I’d really like is a quiet, cozy evening with my partner.

It’s not like I expect him to skip it every year, but surely there’s room for compromise? Or is this tradition more important than spending any of the day with me?

So, AIBU to feel upset about this, or do I just need to accept it for what it is?

I'd want to see a good few years of him not doing this before I even thought about having kids together. Or in a few years you'll be on here planning to leave him as sick of him doing it when you are prepping all of the Christmas for kids

Precisely!! Seeing as the menfolk will be rather hungover on the 25th…

And who would want to be woken up by excited and hyper children whilst nursing a hangover?
I certainly wouldn’t.

But I wouldn’t be daft or selfish enough to engage in this Christmas „tradition“ either. Especially if I had children…🤷‍♀️

I was in a similar position. Husband in pub on Xmas eve after work (didnt happen when xmas eve was saturday or sunday), me at home doing all prep for Christmas day with a child, he'd come home pissed and go to bed. I used to cry about it every christmas eve ... soul destroying!

Do not have a child with this man.

My DH does this every year in December - but not on Christmas Eve, that would cause a proper row. He does it towards the start of the month and that's fine.

A few drinks is fine - all day and night? No. As pp have said it's grossly disrespectful to think you can piss off to the pub the day before Christmas and leave everyone else to do all the work. Selfish twat.

12 hours? its a bit much-so the poor women have to deal with kids an prep for tomorrow-lovely

It’s a very convenient “tradition” isn’t it?
gets him and the others out of any chores or obligations, women left at home with children. Then the men arrive home drunk. Sounds like 1950, not 2024…

Pre kids - wouldn't have bothered me - maybe a bit annoying at every year
Post kids - I wouldn't stand for it but it would be a topic for talking about having children. I'd esp point out his parents divorce situation over it at that point. But for us our christmas eve, day and boxing day are all about our children. Personally I'd park the conversation until you reach having children and book yourself a spa day or something next year.

YABU.
You really should be grateful that he has friends, many men don't.

Wtf. They're not friends, they're an excuse to check out of family life on an important day.

YABU

This is what he enjoys.

Why would he choose a quiet, cozy evening with you when you can do this any time of the year?

Perhaps start a new tradition the evening before Xmas eve or Boxing Day.

Do you not see your family?
I would be doing this on Xmas eve.

Many people I know use Xmas eve and Boxing Day to see extended family, and then have the Xmas day at home with just their little family.

If this is a deal breaker for you, then I would discuss it with him before having children.

If you both won’t budge on it then I wouldn’t be having children with him, as if you are resentful now it will only get a million times worse when kids are involved.

I personally would be absolutely fine with him doing this now.
I probably would be ok with him doing it after kids are born, as I’d go and see my family or have a relaxed one at home.

But if I had an issue with it then I’d tell him to carry on as normal until the kids arrive and then ask that he shortens the amount of time he goes there (but this convo needs to be had before TTC).

You SAY you won't tolerate it, but I bet he'll expect to carry on doing it. I'd tell him now you want to start making new traditions before you have children, and if he refuses, then you could consider whether you want to stay in the relationship.

IsawwhatIsaw I think this is the truth of it and he will continue in this vein if there are kids further down the line

Have a cosy night in on 23rd or 26th.

Unless he goes out with the same group very regularly I wouldn't try and change it.

Definitely check how he feels about skipping it/cutting back before having kids though.

Everyone saying they’d discuss it when you want kids………
It’s actions that count, not words.

If he can show that he can do this when you don’t have kids, great!
Otherwise I wouldn’t assume he will be doing anything different in the future. Less so really, as being at home helping with Xmas prep with small children is much less fun than spending the day with your partner, kid free….

Why wait until the point of having children though? OP will be a couple of years older and have less time to waste finding someone new if he doesn’t change (which he won’t).

They are family and this is his family life.

I wouldn’t like it - but then it would be a dealbreaker for me. People and the lives they want to live have to be compatible.

You can’t go into a life together thinking you can change someone.

Do all the men do it or do some pop in at various times? I'm just wondering if the men with children or family commitments pop by for an hour or so whereas the men like your partner stay all day because they don't have the same? It doesn't excuse it but I'm curious to the dynamics of all the men in his family and all of his male friends being out for 12 hours.

I'd definitely be sitting down with him and asking if his behaviour will change if you have children. I'd bet massively that he will say he will change but it'll be "it's their first Christmas they won't remember a thing" or "so you are telling me that I can't see my friends" bla bla and a new excuse every year.

one question really. Is it a dealbreaker?
Yes, then don't waste any more time LTB
No, then suck it up and make your own amusement.

The boys thing…Was he away on this when you were dating? Did you marry him knowing this? Is this the only thing that led to his parents divorce? Have you told him you’d rather he didn’t and what was his response?

What a stupid tradition for grown men. Don't make the mistake of expecting this to change once you have kids... it won't. If he cannot change it now, you need to decide if you can live with this dumb tradition or not. No doubt there'll be other 'traditions' too to contend with. Sounds like a bit of a tosser tbh.

I get it, but surely you can have a cosy night in any night of the year?

If he's usually pretty good and doesn't regularly stay out on a 12 hour bender then maybe just accept this is his Christmas eve tradition and he enjoys it.

If he does this kind of thing every weekend then obviously thats a different story.

No way! That’s pathetic way to spend Christmas Eve unless you’re in your early 20’s. To me, Christmas is about family and spending time together cooking, playing games, watching movies, walking etc.

Fast forward a few years and can you imagine your life with children and him carrying on like this? If it’s an issue for you now, it will damn sure be an issue then!

I'd be happy for the break tbh. I wanna do dome.cleaning and go out but instead I've just cleaned the bathroom.and now he's shaving his head so hair everywhere! I wanna go golfing but he taking ages get ready. I'd rather chill than have to do everything together.

If you wait till you're ready to have children to change you're too late.

People make alsorts of reasons up to justify their behaviours and it breeds resentment.

The truth is OP if he wanted to spend ChrE with you, he would. If he wanted to prepare a life that's conducive to children, he would.

He just likes the idea of it, whilst knowing he's got a get out of jail free tradition card.

Nah, throw this one back.