Shouldn’t this be down to him Not Me

[purplepentagram]

Been with the hubby good 20yr plus now. 4 kids all now over 18.
over the years I’d built up a decent relationship with the MIL.
then this time last year it all went to shit.
my eldest daughter called round to see her, MIL was rather poorly so I phoned an ambulance and off she went to the hospital.
we get a call the following morning saying to get there quick for she was on her last stages, palliative care involved and wasn’t looking good. Was informed she had heart, kidney failure and part of her intestines has died off. Anyway somehow over the next few days she pulls off a miraculous recovery and cons her way out and to go home. So because of this I spent hours on the phone sorting out daily carers, home visits and everything she needed. All to have it thrown in my face. When people turned up … she locked the door and told everyone to F off, then I got accused of trying to kill her off and all other matter of things. In the mean time my husband just ignores it all - for years Iv been the one left to deal with anything to do with MIL. Over the years she has canceled that many appointments and ignored multiple health concerns- now this last year took its toll on me due to numerous things.
1 I’d literally just lost my own mother the previous oct. 2 due to my age and other factors it has sent my autism / adhd into over drive. So I’d not been coping at all. Now 2 week ago the mil yet again canceled another docs appointment, to where I’d told her she needed to go. But no!. then yesterday my son went round to check on her and we have a serious case of de ja vu going on. I go round and she clearly needs an ambulance but we get told where to go.
iv managed to get the docs to do a home visit tomorrow but I know she needs it now. Yet if I do she will never speak to me again. My hubby is coming across as he don’t care, not interested cause I need to sort it. Why should it be down to me.

Leave her to it.

I've just spent the past two months sorting everything for my MIL who has stage 4 cancer, including getting her into a hospice while trying to sort a care home bed for her.
My SIL threw it all back in my face.... now I will do nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. For that family bar my DP.

Iv not once made an appointment for her. She makes them. I just take her since she isn’t mobile and I’m the only one that drives.
she will book an appointment. Phone me to ask to take her to said appointment. Then literally an hour or so before I’m due to pick her up. She phones to say she’s not going for what ever reason.

also I never said I didn’t like her. Over the years I’d had a better relationship with her more than I did my own mother. Yet since last year she now barely talks to me all for doing the right thing.

You sound like a lovely daughter in law who has reached breaking point.
Unfortunately, it will take a crisis and your nit doing anything for things to change.
You need to step back.

This is only today because she needs to be seen and they need to phone the ambulance.

The MIL did.

You've done more than enough.

Things have become abusive - towards you, OP.

Make it clear to everyone that as the relationship has deteriorated with MIL to such a low now, you feel it is in everyone's best interests, including hers, that you step back.

And stick to that. Just STOP.

💐

@purplepentagram your hubby cant be arsed with his mother so why should you???? leave her to it!! just ignore and carry on with your christmas"

If there has been a sudden change in personality and decline in cognitive function is there something else going on? Either dementia or ill health delirium. My DH’s gran was totally dolally with a kidney infection, a totally different person.

I think you need to push for the home visit and a cognitive assessment. If she doesn’t speak to you again then so be it, but then you will know you have don all you can to get her the help she needs, especially as it seems you are the only one in her corner at the moment.

Why on earth are you bothering.
do you have some kind of saviour complex?

The mil heath is shocking. it has been for quite some time. She will not listen or help her self and since last year has been in total denial on how serious her health was at. At some point I’m the one that’s going to find her dead. Because if it’s not me then it will be one of my kids and that’s not something they need to experience.
There is no other family members left. Both my FIL and BIL passed years ago.
there is just my husband and his mother apart from me and the kids.

the cancelling of appointments isn’t because she feels better quite the opposite in fact. Every time it’s because she doesn’t feel well, she’s been throwing up, can’t get off the loo, feels weak. The list goes on.

iv not even bothered with Xmas this year, no decs, no nothing. Iv not got it in me. At the rate she’s at if left I can see her being dead by new year.

Tell DH to go round and check on her. He can call an ambulance if it’s needed.

Oh, OP. You are clearly very caring and have been doing more than your share.

Now you need to stop. Your DH should have been doing more but if she is refusing care / medical assistance there is not much even he can do.

You should not have this put on you and you should stop now.

If she really needs an ambulance get your DH to ring. The paramedics will deal with her.

Leave her and them to it. If she needs hospital transfer they might convince her. They are used to that. If she refuses treatment or transfer that's on her.

If she makes appointments and asks you for a lift (or asks for any input) just reply "Sorry I can't help you."

You could perhaps suggest she asks DH / taxi / someone else but that's up to you. Don't offer yourself! You need to stop being involved.

Step back and look after yourself.

Erm no. I thought that I was just doing the right thing. She had been a fantastic grandmother.

YABU for bothering.

Leave her to it. She clearly doesn't appreciate you... And on an even wider scale, she thinks nothing of wasting the time of the NHS when people can barely get appointments.

How many people don't get seen that could have been because she cancels last minute?

What a selfish woman.

Your DH seems not to care and maybe that is because she doesn't deserve the effort you are going to.

You sound very giving, but she needs to either stop wasting everyone's time and being so darn rude.

Ignore that poster you were replying to. They sound like a dick head.

I can relate on quite a few levels to what you’re going through. It’s a thankless & guilt-led task. My honest advise is to refer this to adult social services, have a chat with her GP to express your concerns and move on. There’s nothing to come from this other than making yourself ill. I’m having to do similar.

How old is she? The change in personality definitely sounds like the onset of dementia.

Just leave her to it. She isn't grateful for your help, in fact she is abusive to you.

If she's dead by the New Year, that's her choice.