Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shouldn’t this be down to him Not Me

90 replies

purplepentagram · 23/12/2024 18:29

Been with the hubby good 20yr plus now. 4 kids all now over 18.
over the years I’d built up a decent relationship with the MIL.
then this time last year it all went to shit.
my eldest daughter called round to see her, MIL was rather poorly so I phoned an ambulance and off she went to the hospital.
we get a call the following morning saying to get there quick for she was on her last stages, palliative care involved and wasn’t looking good. Was informed she had heart, kidney failure and part of her intestines has died off. Anyway somehow over the next few days she pulls off a miraculous recovery and cons her way out and to go home. So because of this I spent hours on the phone sorting out daily carers, home visits and everything she needed. All to have it thrown in my face. When people turned up … she locked the door and told everyone to F off, then I got accused of trying to kill her off and all other matter of things. In the mean time my husband just ignores it all - for years Iv been the one left to deal with anything to do with MIL. Over the years she has canceled that many appointments and ignored multiple health concerns- now this last year took its toll on me due to numerous things.
1 I’d literally just lost my own mother the previous oct. 2 due to my age and other factors it has sent my autism / adhd into over drive. So I’d not been coping at all. Now 2 week ago the mil yet again canceled another docs appointment, to where I’d told her she needed to go. But no!. then yesterday my son went round to check on her and we have a serious case of de ja vu going on. I go round and she clearly needs an ambulance but we get told where to go.
iv managed to get the docs to do a home visit tomorrow but I know she needs it now. Yet if I do she will never speak to me again. My hubby is coming across as he don’t care, not interested cause I need to sort it. Why should it be down to me.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 23/12/2024 19:06

Time to hand the reins over to your DH. you tell him it's too much for you and it is now for him to deal with. And then step back.

Original poster
purplepentagram · 23/12/2024 19:07

Iv flagged the concerns with the gp multiple times over the years.
iv tried adult services - to where we even had the emergency button thing fitted because of her falling, passing out and things. - she disconnected it all saying that they were spying on her.
my husband is useless when it comes down to anything to do with his mother.
she never leaves her bungalow, everything is delivered.
all we ever get off her is excuses on to why she can’t come or do something.
when the kids were young they loved going to grans and spent weeks with them. Now there frightened to go round out of fear on what they will find.

OP posts:
xyz111 · 23/12/2024 19:12

Op with kindness, you're enabling her. YOU shouldn't be organising anything. It should be down to her family. Your DH is probably sick of it too. If she wants to go to the appointment, she can book a taxi.

TheCheeryLeader · 23/12/2024 19:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NormanBateslonglosttwin · 23/12/2024 19:15

I couldn't be bothered with the drama, let her get on with it.

Sassybooklover · 23/12/2024 19:16

We had similar with my husband's Uncle. He came to stay with us while recovering and then eventually he moved into a flat (which I found for him and organised). It became apparent he was going to ignore GP appointments, take no notice of medical advice, make excuses and didn't want to take any responsibility for his own health. After getting frustrated beyond belief (myself, husband and SIL), we all stepped back completely. We have left him to get on with it. He won't listen, thinks he knows best regardless of what the medical profession say. You need to take a massive step back. Your MIL is not your responsibility, she's your husband's. If he doesn't want to take any responsibility for HIS Mum, then why should you?! You sound like a lovely, caring DIL, and your MIL is lucky to have you looking out for her. You can't force her to take responsibility for her health or accept any help. My only other thought, could your MIL have the start of dementia? Erratic behaviour etc is commonplace.

Pandasnacks · 23/12/2024 19:17

What’s the back story with DH? Why doesn’t he have a relationship with her? He sounds awful frankly, knowing his wife and children will likely find his mum dead one day and he won’t help, it says a lot about him really. Unless the back story is huge

Jurassicparkinajug · 23/12/2024 19:18

Is she confused? If she has capacity to make her own decisions then she has the right to make very unwise ones even if they jeopardise her own health. It’s hard to understand when we wouldn’t dream of being like this but this is what she is choosing, this isn’t on you. By trying to fight against these unwise decisions you are causing yourself stress. I think you need to accept the situation and leave her to it. I’ve met quite a few people like your MIL and I completely understand the frustration. You can’t change her but you can change how you a reacting to all this.

Original poster
purplepentagram · 23/12/2024 19:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Iv only got 2 at home now.
my eldest is with his partner and her little girl- with 1 on the way
eldest daughter is at her boyfriends and callled in today to see us.
other daughter is working most of Xmas
youngest son - is happier without all the fuss and chaos due to him also being autistic/ adhd.
so no I’m not. Plus I can’t afford it, I can’t do with the additional stress and now I’m worried I’m going to have a dead mil to deal with on top.
over the years I really struggle at Xmas due to the 23rd being the anniversary of my own fathers death, then my grandparents. When the kids were little I made an effort just for them but now I don’t see the point. It only upsets me. All this with the mil is making it worse.

OP posts:
TheCheeryLeader · 23/12/2024 19:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Inmydreams88 · 23/12/2024 19:27

You poor thing. Does your husband know the amount of distress this is causing you?!!

Original poster
purplepentagram · 23/12/2024 19:28

Pandasnacks · 23/12/2024 19:17

What’s the back story with DH? Why doesn’t he have a relationship with her? He sounds awful frankly, knowing his wife and children will likely find his mum dead one day and he won’t help, it says a lot about him really. Unless the back story is huge

Hubbys back story
he was an army kid that was moved about wherever his dad was posted. His sister got killed by a hit n run when she was 6. Hubby was about 12 at the time. The mil blamed my hubby for not watching her. She should have took her to school that day but didn’t. His brother was the one that got everything and could do nothing wrong. Yet he was the one with a criminal record and did everything for the mil untill he died the year after his dad. The hubby went on to join the army but still she wasn’t happy. They never had much of a relationship untill I came along and had the kids. Then things were good right up till her husband died and since she’s got worse as the years have gone on.

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 23/12/2024 19:28

OP you ask “Shouldn’t this be down to him, not me?” But it’s not down to either of you. It’s down to her. She has capacity so she has autonomy. As much as you baulk at the idea - if she wants to ignore her health so much that she dies earlier than she otherwise would, that’s up to her. You stepping in isn’t something that anyone is putting on you except yourself.

Your MiL gets to make choices and live the consequences of them. That’s what being a human with free will is about. That’s why you can’t insisted she sees the Dr. It is up to her. She isn’t a project for you to fix. You don’t get to choose for her. Her death will not be your fault.

And putting up with the aggravation, the poor treatment and the stress is your choice. You don’t have to keep trying and if you choose to do so, you live with the consequences.

An alternative to stepping back is to not be emotionally invested. If you can compartmentalise well, you might be able to provide some support without it negatively impacting you so much. If you can be available to take her to the Drs, should she ask, but accept that she will likely cancel.. If you can try and arrange for the Dr to make a house call if you think it’s necessary, but accept that they will likely be turned away. If you can take food round but accept that she will likely refuse it or will make nasty remarks about it. If you can accept all that without taking it personally, shrug your shoulders when she makes the decisions to refuse care, then you can stay involved without it having much negative impact on you or the rest of your family. But it’s not something you have to do. and it’s not something your DH has to do either.

diddl · 23/12/2024 19:31

Your poor husband.

Pretty easy to see why he isn't interested.

RawBloomers · 23/12/2024 19:32

purplepentagram · 23/12/2024 19:28

Hubbys back story
he was an army kid that was moved about wherever his dad was posted. His sister got killed by a hit n run when she was 6. Hubby was about 12 at the time. The mil blamed my hubby for not watching her. She should have took her to school that day but didn’t. His brother was the one that got everything and could do nothing wrong. Yet he was the one with a criminal record and did everything for the mil untill he died the year after his dad. The hubby went on to join the army but still she wasn’t happy. They never had much of a relationship untill I came along and had the kids. Then things were good right up till her husband died and since she’s got worse as the years have gone on.

Show quote history

Woah! Your MiL was abusive to your DH and you have basically forced him into a relationship with her (presumably “for the sake of the kids”) and you’re asking if it’s his responsibility to let be abusive again so you don’t have to put up with it?

Why did you develop a relationship with your DH’s abusive parent?

Pandasnacks · 23/12/2024 19:35

Well then YABU and no it isn’t his job, she’s been abusive and horrible to him and whilst it isn’t your job either to care for her, it’s certainly not on him.

mummytrex · 23/12/2024 19:43

I was all for saying yanbu until you set out the back story. Your husband has clearly set boundaries/a line in the sand. You shouldn't try and force his involvement.

As others have said you need to take a step back. Unless you have power of attorney then MIL is free to make her own decisions however dubious they may be.

RealHousewivesOfTaunton · 23/12/2024 20:00

She sounds unable to make decisions about her own care. I'd phone adult social services and let them sort it out.

TravelInsuranceQ · 23/12/2024 20:25

In the nicest possible way, you need to step back from this.
She apparently has capacity so let her make her own decisions and leave her to it.
Don't get sucked back in though!
(I need to take my own advice as this is where I'm at with one of my parents atm....)

Guest100 · 23/12/2024 20:36

I understand why you feel you can’t step away. But your Dh doesn’t want to step up and that’s up to him. Call the ambulance. Don’t go around there, but make the call. When the hospital calls you let them know you are no longer able to be involved in her care and that she will need them to organise a care team for her. Then you can step back knowing you have done what you can.

umdontdothat · 23/12/2024 20:40

Omg your poor husband. How bloody traumatic and then for the mother to blame him. That's unforgivable.

Heretobenosy · 23/12/2024 20:41

purplepentagram · 23/12/2024 18:37

Iv not once made an appointment for her. She makes them. I just take her since she isn’t mobile and I’m the only one that drives.
she will book an appointment. Phone me to ask to take her to said appointment. Then literally an hour or so before I’m due to pick her up. She phones to say she’s not going for what ever reason.

also I never said I didn’t like her. Over the years I’d had a better relationship with her more than I did my own mother. Yet since last year she now barely talks to me all for doing the right thing.

Show quote history

Sounds horrible and really stressful. My advice is to consider if you accept that she’s making her own decisions and leave her to it, and she dies, will you punish yourself and feel guilt? Only do what you need to do to ensure that if anything happens you can tell yourself you did what you could.

If you think actually I’ve already done everything I can, then stop. She’s making her own decisions. She’s obviously elderly and unwell and maybe she just wants to die in her own home?

Browningstown · 23/12/2024 20:45

Drop the rope and close your door.
You have been made a skivvy of by your MIL and husband.
Drop the rope before you become ill.

Wolframandhart · 23/12/2024 20:47

Browningstown · 23/12/2024 20:45

Drop the rope and close your door.
You have been made a skivvy of by your MIL and husband.
Drop the rope before you become ill.

This. Why the actual fuck are you doing it? Why are you being a martyr?

Stormlantern · 23/12/2024 20:53

Elder care is really difficult, especially when they fight you every step off the way. I hate to say it but there really is nothing more you can do for her. You can't force her to take her health seriously and you can't force your dh to step up. If he was my husband, I don't think I could ever look at him the same. He's failing her.