Shouldn’t this be down to him Not Me

[purplepentagram]

Been with the hubby good 20yr plus now. 4 kids all now over 18.
over the years I’d built up a decent relationship with the MIL.
then this time last year it all went to shit.
my eldest daughter called round to see her, MIL was rather poorly so I phoned an ambulance and off she went to the hospital.
we get a call the following morning saying to get there quick for she was on her last stages, palliative care involved and wasn’t looking good. Was informed she had heart, kidney failure and part of her intestines has died off. Anyway somehow over the next few days she pulls off a miraculous recovery and cons her way out and to go home. So because of this I spent hours on the phone sorting out daily carers, home visits and everything she needed. All to have it thrown in my face. When people turned up … she locked the door and told everyone to F off, then I got accused of trying to kill her off and all other matter of things. In the mean time my husband just ignores it all - for years Iv been the one left to deal with anything to do with MIL. Over the years she has canceled that many appointments and ignored multiple health concerns- now this last year took its toll on me due to numerous things.
1 I’d literally just lost my own mother the previous oct. 2 due to my age and other factors it has sent my autism / adhd into over drive. So I’d not been coping at all. Now 2 week ago the mil yet again canceled another docs appointment, to where I’d told her she needed to go. But no!. then yesterday my son went round to check on her and we have a serious case of de ja vu going on. I go round and she clearly needs an ambulance but we get told where to go.
iv managed to get the docs to do a home visit tomorrow but I know she needs it now. Yet if I do she will never speak to me again. My hubby is coming across as he don’t care, not interested cause I need to sort it. Why should it be down to me.

OP, is there a chance if you divorced him he would move in with his mum?

That might be your out.

Whilst it’s nice that you offer to take her you don’t have to if it’s putting you out and causing stress, you also have a life with many commitments I’m sure. She can get a taxi or there are often taxi like services that she can subscribe to at a monthly cost and use as when she needs for medical/GP appointments. Local GP practise should have an idea of services offered within the area.

Community professionals can visit but usually only if she is housebound, this means she can’t get in a taxi/car to attend due to the sheer volume of truly housebound people they have to see.

Does she understand the reason for appointments? Is the clinician good at fully explaining and in a way she will understand? Are they necessary could the healthcare providers use another way to facilitate an appointment? Such as telephone call, equipment to take observations at home and report back, than telephone review.

Ultimately it is down to her to ensure she attends and takes ownership of her medical conditions.

There could also be lots of other reasons. People can often look like they are coping for the very small amount of time they may see family but away from that be struggling.

Nope not a chance. on both I wouldn’t divorce him and he most definitely wouldn’t move into his mothers.

he basically said to me years ago that because I’m a female and his mums a female it best I see to her cause with him being a fella it didn’t feel right Especially when it came down to the more personal things.

She will not use taxi’s at all. she says they are not safe. When my fil was alive he was the one that took her everywhere.
She is housebound for she can barely walk or even stand at times.
she lies, she will lie to anyone about her state of mind or health.
when she was told last year that she had fluid round her heart - she called them liars and that there was nothing wrong with her. When they got the palliative care team involved she told them that they were wrong and she was going home after they said she needed to go in a hospice.
she had a dnr that she got canceled cause she made out that my husband had done it - we didn’t even know anything about it.

It's not down to you. You've gone over and above what most daughter in laws would do. You need to make your husband step up now - tell him if he won't do it for her, he should do it for you because you can't take any more. Then you must take a step back and let him deal with it. He's opted out for far too long and is not being fair to you or your children.

OP, this isn’t on you if you don’t want it to be.

You can tell him she’s not your mum and it doesn’t feel right to you, so if he wants her looking after in this way, he needs to do it. But neither of you have to do it.

Than it doesn’t sound like there’s much you can do. She sounds like she has full capacity to make her own decisions and this would have been assessed at very times. People are allowed to make unwise decisions and many do on a daily basis. You may not agree with her choices and feel they make situations worse but they are her choices to make. I would just pull back from offering, maybe be ‘busy’ with other things. Don’t be down on yourself about it, it’s clear you care.

As for your husband putting this on you. You done all you can. No role or job in life is ‘women’s work’. You don’t have to physically carry out a task to support. Such as physically providing personal care, arranging for support through carers is still supporting and more than something he could do.

I have worked in care for over 10 years and have seen the onset of dementia a lot over the years. Your MIL may have dementia, she might be in a lot of pain and totally terrified or she may be in denial about her health. All of which is understandable given the circumstances.

What she is doing could be a form of self neglect that she may need help with and I commend you for trying your best in a difficult situation. Were I you, I would call the GP and convey the gravity of the situation and that she is cancelling appointments due to ill health, oppose to a lack of need or improved health. I second getting the social services involved. I would call your local department and ask to make a referral, they should pick it up. Be clear about your boundaries when talking to them and explicit about your concerns. It sounds like she has care needs and would be eligible for support in any case.

Good luck and all the best!

This - let your husband deal with it and have yourself a bubble bath x

What would happen if you stopped?

He wouldn't pick up, that seems to be a given,-but how would he be with you about it?

Just don't do it . She doesn't want your help , her son is not interested , she's making you unwell . Just leave her to it .

Your MIL blamed your DH for his sister's death when he was just a child. How can your DH ever forgive her for that? She sounds dreadful and I wouldn't keep trying to help her.

This 100%. I cannot believe you can't see how awful this is.

OP, just step back. Tell your husband that you’re not taking any more abuse from his mother and trying to help when she doesn’t want it. If he is at all concerned about her he can check on her. Tell your children what you are doing and why and then just leave her to it. It’s terribly sad that the relationship has broken down like this, and maybe there’s some dementia going on as well, but she is not your mother and you are not obligated to sort everything out.