Annoyed at / despairing of my dad

[JoannaGroats]

Every Christmas he ignores my mum’s request not to buy her a present, or to just buy something small. Every year he has no clue what to get, so my sister and I end up having to look around for things when our pleas for him to actually listen to her rather than panic buying fall on deaf ears. And every year I end up wrapping it, because I know any attempt he makes at Christmas wrapping will look like I threw a roll of paper and the sellotape into the monkey house at the zoo.

At 3pm today he emails me and my sister (email! Not even a bloody WhatsApp!) saying he’s got no clue what to get her and do we have any ideas. 3pm today. Whyyyyy?!? Why the hell has Christmas Day being on 25 December come as a surprise to a 65 year-old man?! Even a few days ago would have at least given us the option of ordering online. Now it’s a mad dash around the shops on Christmas Eve and, thanks to my parents’ local shopping centre having gone down the pan over the last few years, probably a trip to the next town.

I’ve been so organised this year. I was ordering from November onwards; the only reason I haven’t finished my wrapping is because I had heavy items sent direct to my parents’ house. Now I’ll be trekking around crowded shops in desperate search of inspiration at the last possible moment. (And it will be me. My sister had two kids under ten - no way will she have time to go shopping on Christmas Eve.)

I believe the ridiculousness of this. I feel like telling him to lump it and get vouchers, but I know a guilt trip about why I can’t just do this for my mum will be coming my way. Why can’t HE do it for his wife?!

Because he's weaponised his incompetence and you are accommodating his entitlement.

Say no.

Why isn't he out shopping today??

Take a deep breath. Just msg him and say 'oh I think she'd like a spa voucher,' or some kind of similar super easy present. And leave him to it. Really. You're letting yourself get far too worked up about this.

"At 3pm today he emails me and my sister (email! Not even a bloody WhatsApp!) saying he’s got no clue what to get her and do we have any ideas. "

"Sorry, no, I thought you might know what with living with her and talking to her every day!"

Then forget about it. I don't know why you've been so involved tbh; you've previously allowed him to carry on doing this and end up with a nice gift with no planning or effort of his own.

My dad texted a couple of days ago asking what brand something of mine was as he was thinking of getting it for my mum... at least it would have arrived in time!

Let him handle it. What's the worst that could happen?

I kind of understand the guilting of the rest of it, but WRAPPING A PRESENT because a grown man "can't" do it is pretty ridiculous, tbh.

I’d not even reply until tomorrow afternoon and say you’d only just seen his email then

He has not done it because experience has shown him you will.

You need to be the change if you want a different outcome.

I know it is. But it started when I was a teenager and had just never stopped. When I was 15 it was a small thing I could do to help at Christmas.

I don’t really mind doing it (now that I’ve talked him out of buying several random presents). But I draw the line at doing the bloody shopping as well!

I've clicked you are being unreasonable because I can't believe you are actually going out and doing his shopping for him!

My dad does exactly the same. sometimes I have an idea for him of what to buy, this year I didn't and I just told him I didn't, there's no way I would be going shopping for him and he's 79!!!

Please for god's sake refuse. Or this will be your job for many years to come. He obviously outsources all wife work, and you're the mug when he can't outsource it to his actual wife.

I’ll be at their house by then, so I can’t avoid it 😬

You don't actually have to martyr yourself. It's his problem, not yours. Just don't do it.

Yea it's a great celestial mystery why he does it this way .

Tell him what perfume she likes and tell him to buy it himself and get it wrapped up at the counter. Job done.

Next year make mental note to remind him on 1st december that he needs to buy his DW a christmas present.

If he does this every year and you accommodate him- why do you not buy something in November? It is not like you are not expecting it?
Not saying you should do his shopping but you are making it harder

Because if I give in and actively choose to buy the present myself, he definitely won’t do it himself!

What do you mean you can't avoid it?

Exactly that. I was replying to a poster who suggested I pretend until tomorrow afternoon I haven’t seen the email. I can’t do that, as I’ll be at the house before then.

But he already ISN'T doing it himself, and even worse he's now leaving it until the last minute so you'll rush around for him

Unfortunately you've enabled this, so now's the time to stop and remind him the shops are still open until tomorrow evening

Yes, I understood that, but why does it matter if you're at their house?

Sorry OP, but thanks for reminding me to check if my dad got something for my MIL. Am guessing the a swer is no as I did t tell him what to get her ffs

Because if at 9am when the shops open my dad asks “Did you see my email?”, I can’t exactly say “No, and I won’t be checking my email again until 3pm”, can I? He’ll just ask me in person!

Why can't he go himself?

Sorry but you are allowing it, so you’ve only got yourself to blame. Stop doing his last minute shopping and make him do it himself.

Or failing that just tell him “she doesn’t want anything!”.

So give him a list of options in November
preferably at stores with gift wrap options.