Annoyed at / despairing of my dad

[JoannaGroats]

Every Christmas he ignores my mum’s request not to buy her a present, or to just buy something small. Every year he has no clue what to get, so my sister and I end up having to look around for things when our pleas for him to actually listen to her rather than panic buying fall on deaf ears. And every year I end up wrapping it, because I know any attempt he makes at Christmas wrapping will look like I threw a roll of paper and the sellotape into the monkey house at the zoo.

At 3pm today he emails me and my sister (email! Not even a bloody WhatsApp!) saying he’s got no clue what to get her and do we have any ideas. 3pm today. Whyyyyy?!? Why the hell has Christmas Day being on 25 December come as a surprise to a 65 year-old man?! Even a few days ago would have at least given us the option of ordering online. Now it’s a mad dash around the shops on Christmas Eve and, thanks to my parents’ local shopping centre having gone down the pan over the last few years, probably a trip to the next town.

I’ve been so organised this year. I was ordering from November onwards; the only reason I haven’t finished my wrapping is because I had heavy items sent direct to my parents’ house. Now I’ll be trekking around crowded shops in desperate search of inspiration at the last possible moment. (And it will be me. My sister had two kids under ten - no way will she have time to go shopping on Christmas Eve.)

I believe the ridiculousness of this. I feel like telling him to lump it and get vouchers, but I know a guilt trip about why I can’t just do this for my mum will be coming my way. Why can’t HE do it for his wife?!

First answer nailed it

Sorry, OP - if your dad is switched on enough to email, he's capable of shopping online.

I understand it's hard for you. I'm sure it's not the only thing your dad palms off on you.

What a guilt trip 😥

I like the voucher suggestion from a PP. can you suggest that?

But your Mum doesn't even want a present! Why is nobody listening to her?

Your mum says she doesn't want a present from your dad so why are you going out of your way to get one for her?

This just doesn't make any sense at all to me.

Your mother doesn't want a present, or wants something small. Suggest a couple of small things to him, and leave him to it.

You are enabling his incompetence and making yourself responsible for managing your father's tasks and your mother's emotional reactions, whatever they might be.

Leave him to give her a poorly-thought-out and badly-wrapped gift, and leave her to address this situation however she feels best. This is NOTHING to do with you.

Well your mum could avoid this by telling him to get her - whatever it is that's small and she actually wants - every year. How hard is it for to come up with one suggestion?

Say no and stop being ridiculous. He can go to shops himself if he's that bothered

For the love of all that's holy, just say no. "Sorry, dad, I've finished my shopping already and I'm too busy to go out again. You'll have to sort yourself out."

Your mum doesn't even want a present, so who cares if he gets her something crap? Why are you so afraid of him?

“Sorry Dad I’m busy tomorrow. Good luck with finding something nice.”

End.

I always tell my husband not to buy me a present because I know his ideas are weird and not related in any way to things I like! I could buy myself a present and he’d pay for it but that seems a bit rubbish so now we pay money each birthday and Christmas into an account towards a cruise in the next couple of years.

Your mum will know he’s had help, I doubt she’d realise how much pressure he puts on you and how late though so, next year, ask her what ideas you can give to your dad as you know he will ask you. If she says nothing then tell her you are out of ideas to give him and you’ll need a list before December 1st. On December 1st, email your Dad the list daily until he acknowledges it and then you’ve done your bit. He doesn’t need help with wrapping - you can buy gift bags and boxes everywhere so no sellotape needed!

This is his job, not yours. Please bat any guilt straight back to him as it’s him who should feel ashamed.

I think you need the Mumsnet Tinkly Laugh(tm) on standby, followed by the comments other posters have made on this thread...

You can’t lie about seeing it, no. But you can say, “yes, I did see the email, however I have already completed my Christmas shopping and I am not going into the shops on Christmas eve as you’re disorganised.”

Just give him one suggestion he can get at the shops. Or just list all the things you've bought on his behalf before. Make it clear he'll need to buy and wrap it. And that's that. If you don't you'll be doing this every year like you always do. Time to stop.

Exactly

YABU
He's form for doing this
Your response should be - well I've done all my shopping & there's no way I'm going out again so it looks like it's a trip out for you or a voucher

FYI gift bags solve the wrapping issue

I really don't understand the problem. Your mum doesn't want a present. You dad hasn't got her a present. Don't get involved. Perfection has already been achieved