Annoyed at / despairing of my dad

[JoannaGroats]

Every Christmas he ignores my mum’s request not to buy her a present, or to just buy something small. Every year he has no clue what to get, so my sister and I end up having to look around for things when our pleas for him to actually listen to her rather than panic buying fall on deaf ears. And every year I end up wrapping it, because I know any attempt he makes at Christmas wrapping will look like I threw a roll of paper and the sellotape into the monkey house at the zoo.

At 3pm today he emails me and my sister (email! Not even a bloody WhatsApp!) saying he’s got no clue what to get her and do we have any ideas. 3pm today. Whyyyyy?!? Why the hell has Christmas Day being on 25 December come as a surprise to a 65 year-old man?! Even a few days ago would have at least given us the option of ordering online. Now it’s a mad dash around the shops on Christmas Eve and, thanks to my parents’ local shopping centre having gone down the pan over the last few years, probably a trip to the next town.

I’ve been so organised this year. I was ordering from November onwards; the only reason I haven’t finished my wrapping is because I had heavy items sent direct to my parents’ house. Now I’ll be trekking around crowded shops in desperate search of inspiration at the last possible moment. (And it will be me. My sister had two kids under ten - no way will she have time to go shopping on Christmas Eve.)

I believe the ridiculousness of this. I feel like telling him to lump it and get vouchers, but I know a guilt trip about why I can’t just do this for my mum will be coming my way. Why can’t HE do it for his wife?!

So? You've bought your mum a present right? So who cares what your dad gets her. Honestly OP, drop the rope

I'd just give him a suggestion and where he could look and send him for it. Fuck running round for him on Xmas eve.

I know a guilt trip about why I can’t just do this for my mum will be coming my way. Why can’t HE do it for his wife?!

Well those feelings of guilt are yours to own and control. Do you actually need to feel guilty? Is his demand fair or right? Is it one you would feel entitled to make if your positions were reversed?

You know the answers, you are just not taking responsibility for your logic or feelings. Why not?

It's not your problem OP, keep out out of it. It's between your mum and dad.

I am not seeing the big deal here, I wouldn't do it. Your mum will know about the fact that you and your sibling buy the present and wrap each year so it's all a charade. I would respond "Hi Dad, tricky one! especially leaving it this late!. How about looking on line for a spa day or museum pass. Bit rushed here, so hope you find something. Looking forward to seeing you on whatever day". And leave it.

I certainly wouldn't get stressed over it, DH and I don't always do presents anyway. If I want anything I just whatsapp him a link saying "I don't expect anything but here is a present idea if you want it". It's only a big deal if you make it so.

But your mum does even want anything so just say no.

I definitely would not be enabling this again.

Doesn't! want anything

‘Dad, you’ve done this every year since I was a teenager, and this time I’m putting my foot down. You’ve left it until the 23rd to ask me to do this, which would mean a very unpleasant, rushed trip to the shops for me. Also, I think you’re outsourcing your thinking and your shopping to the nearest woman, because you think this is what women are for. That kind of behaviour makes women’s lives unbearably stressful. The answer is no, this year and every year from now on.
No no, I’m not being selfish - you are.
No, I don’t have too much to do - I just don’t want to do this, so I’m not going to.’

Every Christmas he ignores my mum’s request not to buy her a present,

So he's not listening to your mum and neither are you?

Just do nothing, your mum doesn't want a present!

So what's to stop you telling him to get something himself, even if he's guaranteed to make a mess of it?

I don’t understand why you don’t just say no?

I've read your OP and answers. I still don't understand why you don't say sorry no idea, you'll have to go.

I've got an elderly neighbour (82) who panicked about buying his wife a present. I was happy to choose it with him, and then wrap it nicely....it took nothing from my life to do that. 🙄

So at 9am or whatever tomorrow morning, your dad says, "Did you see my email?", you say no*, he says, "I don't know what to buy her," and you say, "Well the shops are still open so we will be company for her while you nip off." If he says why can't you go you point out it's his present to her, and you're not going out, you have just arrived. It may mean your mum gets a box of petrol station chocs and some windscreen wash, but she's said not to buy her anything and he will hopefully remember this in future.

*Or you say yes, wearing your big girl pants, and the rest of the conversation goes as above.

Re read the first sentence yoy wrote. Your mum doesn't want a present so it's simple you don't do anything!

You're mad, sorry. There's being a martyr and there's this, it's in another league.

She doesn't even want a present.

If you desperately want her to have a present ftom him then message him your suggestion,and the specific shop he needs to go to, make it clear you aren't going.

Respectfully, helping out a neighbour (who I'm willing to bet is frail, or has been ill and can't get to the shops, or gets confused easily, and thats why you were kind enough to help out) is not the same as enabling an adult man who cannot be bothered to plan for buying a gift for the woman he supposedly loves, who I bet has learnt to drive a car, and held down a job, but has convinced his adult daughter he can't wrap a present properly. It's gobsmacking disrespect, and the worst part is that it's so normalised in our society that some people are just going to go 'it's a nice thing to do, to help out' ignoring the fact he does it EVERY BLOODY YEAR.

I voted for unreasonable purely because you do it every year and don't just say no. There isn't a gun to your head so no you don't have to go tomorrow at 9am or today at any time

Stop being a martyr op. Say no. Mean it. Job done.

Everyone is saying the same thing but you don't seem to want to hear it.

My response:

Are you posting for support to stop this annual charade? You've got it! There is no earthly reason to do this anymore.

The response you apparently want:

Oh, you poor thing OP! What a saint you are, putting your annoyance aside and putting yourself under considerable pressure, year after year, for your feckless fart of a father.
Try to make the best of your shopping trip 🩷 x

You've got two choices OP. You sit your Dad down and tell him some (kindly) home truths or you buy a present and wrap it up in November/early December so at least you aren't scurrying around like a headless chicken. Those are the only 2 solutions.

What a shame you've been having trouble with the wifi signal lately.
This happened to me a couple of weeks ago; something to do with the HomeHub. I had no mobile or landline signal until it was, luckily, sorted. In fact, I genuinely didn't notice for a while.
When you get to the parental home, preempt by telling them what a nuisance it has been to be temporarily cut off.

I wrap and buy for my dad every year, I don't mind helping.

He's great at lots of stuff but shit at coming up with something and wrapping it. We can't all be good at everything.
The difference is I don't mind. You do mind, so you need to tell him "no" firmly and then stop doing it. Because all you're doing is annoying yourself.

Just say you've finished your shopping, are out tonight with friends and he needs to sort this out himself.

Honestly, this martyrdom is pure daft. So what if you feel (unwarranted) guilt, just tell yourself he brought it on himself.