To think that your choice of life partner can be one of the biggest decisions you ever make?

[internallyrebellious]

I'm on a long journey today and so am a bit bored and trying to pass the time! 😂

Was just musing on my previous relationships. With very few exceptions, they were train wrecks, and most were actively abusive (although I didn't realise it at the time).

Aibu to think that the life partners we choose have a massive impact on your life, arguably more so than anything else? This is the person you are (usually) the most physically and emotionally intimate with, the person who shares your living space and you spend the most time with. The person you make important life decisions with. If that person is a negative influence it can cause you life long issues. I honestly can't think of any other individual person or incident which has shaped my entire life and personality like my previous partners, not even my parents. Obviously my parents taught me a lot of general life lessons and have had a massive impact on my life in terms of shaping the person I am now but let me give some examples:

Life long phobia of having any sort of covering over my mouth after an abusive ex beat me and held my face against a carpet. I definitely didn't have this before him.

Extremely independent and career/money driven mindset after having a cocklodging ex who financially abused me. Before him I wanted to be a SAHM and my own Mom would have also, if she had the option. Left me with massive debts and CCJ's which destroyed my credit rating and any hope of ever owning a property.

Body dysmorphia/disordered eating after having an emotionally abusive ex who told me he would only marry me if I lost 2 stone and regularly told me all the things he would prefer to change about my body. Made pig noises at me as I ate.

I realise that it was my own choice to pick these horrible people and stay with them, but aibu to really genuinely believe that if I hadn't met them and allowed them to treat me so badly then my life could look totally different. Unfortunately it's so easy to end up in a negative cycle/pattern with relationships too so one bad experience can drive you to have more bad experiences and so it continues.

Aibu to think that teaching our children how to pick a good partner is so so important for this reason? My parents are largely wonderful but they gave me very little direction in this area and I think it shows, I'm determined not to repeat the same mistakes with my dc!

I'm nearly 60, unfortunately you can't teach them. I put a lot down to baby making hormones. I think we suddenly see most men for what they are, post menopause, because we've had a shift in hormones. We can only teach that being single is fine. Marriage doesn't work for everyone and relationships shouldn't be hard (like SM says). We should talk about what abuse looks like and the equality of the sexes. Also raising the bar for men. Also that it isn't a sign of low self esteem if a woman chooses to have a sex life, without a relationship. There's more low self esteem in tying yourself to a useless boyfriend. Plus there's time to gave babies, after 25.

You're absolutely right.

I would also add not just partner...more importantly the person you have a child with. My child is autistic due to this father. Ds is a delight but very rigid. Even without the court order, I'm stuck in this flipping town until he grows up and even then I don't know if he'll leave. I long to go home back to where I am from. I hate the thought of growing old here.

The mental and emotional and financial abuse from my ex has contributed to chronic illness and earning potential. I fight against the unhelpful thoughts that this isn't the life I should have had.

Anyway, as I say, none too cheerful to think about! Happy Christmas 🎄 😁

A good friend of mine always thinks we should have counselling when we're young so we don't make bad life choices.

I think that very often the qualities that make a man very appealing as a boyfriend don't necessarily make him a good bet as a husband and a father.
So much of being a good husband and father relates to routine and picking things off the floor. Men who are spontaneous and lively don't always do so well with this.

I think in their 20s lots of women walk straight past decent men and into the arms of good-looking dickheads. 10 years later the good men are busy being good husbands and fathers and the women who walked Straight past them are struggling to get their life back on track.

Honestly, OP, your pattern of picking extremely abusive men makes me wonder about your childhood. Anyone can be unlucky with one bad relationship, but the fact that you kept choosing abusive men suggests some negative script you learned in childhood.

@Leafy74 nope, don't relate to that pov at all.

Some of us are unlucky to wind up with men who present as a different version of themselves to reel us in and gradually let the mask slip and gaslight and abuse us.

The best thing we can give our kids as protection is a good model of what relationships look like, love in spades and help to build self esteem.

@Ponoka7 agree with that!

Hormones have a huge part to play, no doubt about it. I probably wouldn't have listened to my parents if they told me that my bf was no good as you think you know everything at that age.

But I had never been taught that that isn't what relationships should be like, that the only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero and that sometimes when someone says they love you, their actions don't match. I was bullied in school, and was generally quiet, shy and unremarkable, so when this person came into my life and said he loved me, told me I was special etc I fully fell for it. If I'd been confident in myself enough to tell him where to go the first time he disrespected me, I'd have been much better off. I wish I'd been taught what red flags to look out for.

@ConfusedNoMore I think counselling would have been very beneficial for me after the first bad ex. Don't get me wrong, I might not have made perfect choices going forward, but I would have been better equipped to know when I was being preyed upon by arseholes and recognise when to get rid.

@Leafy74 true, but in my case the 'exciting bad boy' was never a thing - I met and married very young and he was super boring, basically just stayed in on the computer all the time. Trouble is he also had a violent side and bled me dry because he refused to get a job. So I became too scared to confront him and once his true colours came out I was deep in the sunk costs fallacy. I wish I'd been taught that no partner is better than a bad partner, I might have gotten out years earlier than I did. I did eventually figure it out but it took me a long time.

I think that for women it is who choose to have your children with that has the biggest impact on your life. Even if you are no longer in a relationship with that person you are tied to them for life.

I think women who have had a close and loving relationship with their father stand a better chance of choosing a good life partner.

@Leafy74 there's a lot of truth in that.

I also think that if a woman starts out with the expectation that she'll either give up work completely, or at least make her career far less important than her partner's when they have children, they're defaulting to a very vulnerable position. It takes two to form and develop a relationship. I've seen too many women who are just as clever and capable as their partner but who fall far too easily into becoming financially dependent, sometimes they even welcome it and prefer to abdicate financial responsibility. It just puts women at such a disadvantage - life long.

I have (now adult) children of both sexes and I feel one thing dh and I really got right in raising them was to not bring them up with stereotyped expectations. My dd considers her career equally important to her brothers. And my ds's don't assume that they will be any less able to do housework or to look after the children as their partners. I'm sure a lot of that is because children learn by example rather than just being told, and I married dh not just because I was attracted to him and fell in love with him but because we had shared values and goals. I wanted a life with someone who wanted to be hands on with the children and who didn't see housework and cooking as just a woman's responsibility.

It's definitely very important, yes. I was always told, by exes and some friends, that I had impossibly high standards. Those standards: supports feminism, cooks, does housework 50/50, shares mental load 50/50, intelligent, funny, well educated, decent job, gentle, kind, respectful. Handsome and tall were also on there, but secondary obviously!

They thought it was ridiculous to expect that of a man, but I grew up with a widowed dad who was all of those things and there was no way I was settling; I'd rather have been single. I found him! He's my best friend and an incredible husband, and I'm glad I didn't listen to those people and settle. I don't even think my standards were a very high bar! It's just being an adult and a decent human.

My dad absolutely modelled to me what a decent man can be like, and my DH is doing the same for our DC. I'm sure they'll still kiss a few frogs along the way, but hopefully what we're showing them both at home will stick in their minds and prove that they don't need to settle, and also how to behave in relationships.

@EmptyBowl I think, honestly, my childhood was great. My mom has had depression her whole life and talked horribly about herself which I picked up on (and have unknowingly adopted myself) but that wasn't her fault. She had a terrible childhood herself and so did her absolute best with the tools she had. I always felt very loved and supported by them, still do to this day.

Being bullied in school really didn't help though. I've never been hugely confident and that experience knocked me down even more. I realise now that I was very vulnerable to people who would prey on me for that reason. Add in my natural tendency to be a people pleaser (often in a desperate ploy to get people to like and include me) and you have a recipe for disaster.

Like I say, once you're in the cycle your self esteem is at an all time low so you are ripe picking for another abuser to swoop in and pick you up with grand gestures or empty promises. By that point you are so desperate to feel loved and worthy you soak in all of the good stuff whilst blindly ignoring all the glaring evidence of the bad stuff.

My friend once told me I was 'narcissist bait' which I think is pretty accurate 😂 I am working on it though.

I'm surprised this is even a debate. The person you choose to do life with is quite possibly THE most important decision you make, especially if that person is also the person you choose to make more people with. Is anyone really treating this casually like it isn't important who you live with?

Yep. Both my choices were bad ones tho the bad sides were very hidden. Wrecked my life financially. Also have extreme trust issues and am a survivor of DV and SA. So yes.

I don’t think I’d have disordered eating or body dysmorphia if I hadn’t married the man I did.

These two things have shaped so much of my life and still do.

Definitely. I have PTSD from my childhood but nothing comes close to the PTSD I have from being with exH.
7 years since we divorced and I'm still in therapy, still have nightmares and on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds.

Thankfully I've remarried and now have so much love and support around me. I'm just so angry that he still gets to take away parts of my future and I feel like I can't stop him, as much as I try. It was 15 years of pure hell.

Completely agree,

It is only as I have recovered from my marriage that I have realized the extent to which he negatively impacted every part of it, deliberately.
My career and earning capacity, my friendships, my self esteem, my ability to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with another man.

Isn't this obvious? I started with first (and only) BF turned husband in my 30's.

I don't think I expected that anyone would think it's casual or not important at all but I think there could be people who don't think it's the MOST important life decision, especially if you are happy and comfortable being single, financially independent and maybe waited until and older age to get into a relationship in the first place.

When I think of my own experiences, I had my first relationship, an abusive one, at 15. I got married at (only just) 21. So the years when I was really growing up, maturing and learning about relationships all happened when I was still developing. Someone who didn't get into a proper relationship until 25 or 30 would be much more solid in who they are as a person and what they want in life. A partner is a bonus, whereas for me I wasn't really, properly single for a sustained period of time until I was 33 so having a partner was the default state. Says a lot about why I had so many crappy relationships and I realise that now!

Well choosing either to be single or to commit to a specific partner is kind of the same decision as most people aren't faced with a line-up of choices very often in their lives. The choice is usually "this one" or "stay single." Whether it's "stay single until I find the right one" or "stay single forever and swear off men" is slightly different I suppose.

The issue of one's own upbringing is interesting. Sure, it shapes us, but it's not always a case of following our own parents as role models. It can sometimes be the opposite. I was a child of the sixties and my dad was very conventional, didn't do any housework, I never saw him cook a meal. My mum was a SAHM (again very normal back then.) my dad wasn't abusive (though if me and my siblings misbehaved it was 'wait until dad gets home' and then we'd be smacked, so I think abusive by todays standard.)

I knew that I didn't want a marriage like that; I went to university and knew I could get a decent job and I didn't want to play second fiddle to my dh. In some ways it wasn't easy (my mum was horrified when I returned to work after my 3 month mat leave in the early 1990s) but I knew I wanted something different from my parents.

I don't think theirs was an unhappy marriage as such, I think it was very much the norm for a couple who married in the 1950s, but I don't think my mum who was a clever woman was ever able to achieve her potential as an individual. And neither did my dad when it came to being a hands on dad with us kids

@lolly792 I think it's interesting that PP have brought up the relationship with the dad as a major factor which is another oddity in my particular case because my dad is great!

He often did pick ups/drop offs for us as they both worked full time. He had full custody of his children from a previous relationship when he met my mom so is a very hands on dad. He did all the cooking in the house while my mom did the cleaning so a pretty even split. All in all just a great example of a relationship so it's curious that I then chose absolute wankers who didn't resemble that at all. My sister and I have a theory that he was almost TOO good, like a previous poster mentioned, I'd never had an examples of bad relationships so didn't know what to look out for. Also, people change, the person you get into a relationship with is not always the same person you leave.

@StMarie4me @changedusernameforthis1

And everyone else that has suffered at the hands of an ex I'm truly sorry that this happened to you. I really hope you're in a better place now and doing ok.

Ultimately it was yet another shitty ex who really opened my eyes and made me completely change my attitude. When I found out he got another girl pregnant and got his mum to come round and tell me about it I wasn't surprised and I wasn't sad.

I was angry. Really really fucking angry. I still am! And even though I really wanted to message him and tell him exactly what I thought of him, I didn't. I deleted him out of my life, blocked every form of contact, deleted every picture of him, it's like he never existed. Normally I'd reminisce a bit about the good times, maybe contact him one last time 'for closure'. Not this time. I've never seen or spoken to him since the last time he left my house. It made me realise that I've bent myself over backwards around men, trying to be what they want, trying to make them happy, sacrificing things I wanted in the process. No fucking more, not after that. I took a break and did a lot of soul searching and work on myself and now I have a wonderful Dp who is so far from all the arseholes before him. Now I'm out of it I do feel sad and angry for all the years I lost, all the pain I went through and the future I could have had but I'm also so happy and grateful that I got there in the end and can now enjoy my life. I've paid off my debts, got great credit, good job and my relationship is great. Most importantly, I know that if Dp left me tomorrow I'd be ok. I'm not codependent anymore 😊

I am worthy. What I want is valid and not unreasonable. I deserve to have my needs met. I am worthy of respect. Zero tolerance on abuse. Super high standards. Refusal to compromise. And I'm not arrogant or selfish for expecting any of that, which is what my internal monologue has been trying to tell me my whole life.

Aibu to think that the life partners we choose have a massive impact on your life

Well, I mean... obviously they do. I can't imagine why you'd need to check if that was an unreasonable point of view! The clue is in the words 'life partner'. Of course they're going to have a massive impact on your life if they're literally the person you're sharing that life with. Anything that's a huge part of your life - whether it's family, work, or your partner - will affect you in many different ways, good or bad. We are affected by the people we share our lives with, and they are affected by us too.

I've had two relationships in the past which certainly affected me very negatively in various ways - emotionally, physically and financially too. I think part of the problem is that when we first start to have serious relationships, we don't really have a blueprint as such for what a healthy relationship really looks like, and we make bad decisions for that reason.

I've been with my DP for over 20 years now and I vividly remember thinking, when we'd been together for about a year or so, "I had no idea that a relationship could actually be like this". I'd previously believed that all the drama and heartache and shouting and conflict I'd experienced in my prior relationships was normal. I look back now and can't believe what I went through, honestly.

@KimberleyClark Maybe but not always. I was always very close to my dad who died recently. He was a good loving gentle man. Strong family values. Was a father figure to my own son. Worked hard to provide. Was loyal and doted on my mum until she died. Didn't drink much, worked a lot when we grew up but was always very loving and kind. BUT I've had a really chequered relationship history, nothing abusive but been single most of my adult life. I've never been able to make a relationship work. Tried marriage but not for me. Made some questionable choices in men. No idea why- my parents' marriage was loving, respectful and stable. It's strange really 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've been treated badly by men but I've also treated men badly as well. Probably 50/50 if I look back at the men I was involved with- some of them very good men.