To think that your choice of life partner can be one of the biggest decisions you ever make?

[internallyrebellious]

I'm on a long journey today and so am a bit bored and trying to pass the time! 😂

Was just musing on my previous relationships. With very few exceptions, they were train wrecks, and most were actively abusive (although I didn't realise it at the time).

Aibu to think that the life partners we choose have a massive impact on your life, arguably more so than anything else? This is the person you are (usually) the most physically and emotionally intimate with, the person who shares your living space and you spend the most time with. The person you make important life decisions with. If that person is a negative influence it can cause you life long issues. I honestly can't think of any other individual person or incident which has shaped my entire life and personality like my previous partners, not even my parents. Obviously my parents taught me a lot of general life lessons and have had a massive impact on my life in terms of shaping the person I am now but let me give some examples:

Life long phobia of having any sort of covering over my mouth after an abusive ex beat me and held my face against a carpet. I definitely didn't have this before him.

Extremely independent and career/money driven mindset after having a cocklodging ex who financially abused me. Before him I wanted to be a SAHM and my own Mom would have also, if she had the option. Left me with massive debts and CCJ's which destroyed my credit rating and any hope of ever owning a property.

Body dysmorphia/disordered eating after having an emotionally abusive ex who told me he would only marry me if I lost 2 stone and regularly told me all the things he would prefer to change about my body. Made pig noises at me as I ate.

I realise that it was my own choice to pick these horrible people and stay with them, but aibu to really genuinely believe that if I hadn't met them and allowed them to treat me so badly then my life could look totally different. Unfortunately it's so easy to end up in a negative cycle/pattern with relationships too so one bad experience can drive you to have more bad experiences and so it continues.

Aibu to think that teaching our children how to pick a good partner is so so important for this reason? My parents are largely wonderful but they gave me very little direction in this area and I think it shows, I'm determined not to repeat the same mistakes with my dc!

@TheAntisocialButterfly I agree.
Ironically, the type of man who's intoxicating and exciting to date, is probably not the man who'll make the best life partner and father.

And I can't say it enough: women do well to aim high and not allow their work life to play second fiddle to their husband. Not simply because if things go wrong, it's important to have financial independence (though of course that's very important too) but because it's far easier to have a balanced, equitable relationship when you see all aspects of life - earning, domestic chores, child responsibilities - as joint responsibilities rather than compartmentalised things

Even warren buffett says this so you are right op !

I don't disagree but I'd say that deciding on a career that you love and working for that is critical. We are not passive, If you choose a job you love and if it pays well then you'll have something for you. We should be teaching girls to value themselves, to financially support themselves, to take risks and work hard for themselves - then they are likely to choose a better partner and have more strength and confidence to leave if the partner isn't what's best for them.

@EveryDayisFriday

That shapes their financial future. Simply being on the same page, honest and open financially is so important and can often be missing in a marriage, sadly. There are tons of posts on the relationship board which are heartbreaking

I know what you mean and in a marriage that should be the aim: but being honest and open will only get you so far if you don’t have your own money or aren’t in control of the shared finances. It takes two to create transparency and you can’t force someone else to be transparent.

I personally think getting married and sharing finances is always a bad idea unless you are planning not to work at all (which is a bad idea too). Be in control of your own finances and then it doesn’t matter if someone else is not being honest. It’s really the only fail safe way to guarantee it and it requires hard work which a lot of people aren’t willing to do when they have small children but them’s the breaks.

Exactly. Choose the career first and then the partner is something you can take or leave.

No one should be building their financial future around a marriage.

Sadly even in this day and age though, some women set their expectations low in terms of work life. It's nuts because I believe girls do better than boys at most levels of education. Often women partner up with men who they meet at university or in the workplace so they're setting out on a fairly equal footing, certainly more so than at any time in history. Somewhere along the way, some women do seem comfortable to shift from that and have different expectations for themselves from their partner