To think that your choice of life partner can be one of the biggest decisions you ever make?

[internallyrebellious]

I'm on a long journey today and so am a bit bored and trying to pass the time! 😂

Was just musing on my previous relationships. With very few exceptions, they were train wrecks, and most were actively abusive (although I didn't realise it at the time).

Aibu to think that the life partners we choose have a massive impact on your life, arguably more so than anything else? This is the person you are (usually) the most physically and emotionally intimate with, the person who shares your living space and you spend the most time with. The person you make important life decisions with. If that person is a negative influence it can cause you life long issues. I honestly can't think of any other individual person or incident which has shaped my entire life and personality like my previous partners, not even my parents. Obviously my parents taught me a lot of general life lessons and have had a massive impact on my life in terms of shaping the person I am now but let me give some examples:

Life long phobia of having any sort of covering over my mouth after an abusive ex beat me and held my face against a carpet. I definitely didn't have this before him.

Extremely independent and career/money driven mindset after having a cocklodging ex who financially abused me. Before him I wanted to be a SAHM and my own Mom would have also, if she had the option. Left me with massive debts and CCJ's which destroyed my credit rating and any hope of ever owning a property.

Body dysmorphia/disordered eating after having an emotionally abusive ex who told me he would only marry me if I lost 2 stone and regularly told me all the things he would prefer to change about my body. Made pig noises at me as I ate.

I realise that it was my own choice to pick these horrible people and stay with them, but aibu to really genuinely believe that if I hadn't met them and allowed them to treat me so badly then my life could look totally different. Unfortunately it's so easy to end up in a negative cycle/pattern with relationships too so one bad experience can drive you to have more bad experiences and so it continues.

Aibu to think that teaching our children how to pick a good partner is so so important for this reason? My parents are largely wonderful but they gave me very little direction in this area and I think it shows, I'm determined not to repeat the same mistakes with my dc!

I've also read a lot about attachment styles and I most closely relate to disorganised attachment- part anxious, part avoidant. Attachment styles are linked back to your primary care givers. Mine were my parents. They weren't perfect but they were very good parents- stable, loving, always there for me etc. I should've come out with a secure attachment but who knows why I haven't 🤷🏻‍♀️

Unquestionably. I don't think it can be taught though. Imo it's a combo of general upbringing, the relationships that are modelled to you as you are growing up, and the values and attitudes of your family members, plus a bit of genetics and also sheer luck. No amount of conscious training is going to counteract all of that.

I'm lucky. Very stable family relationships and I would always rather have been single than get involved with someone who didn't tick all the right boxes. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't genuinely enhance your life. I'm not interested in drama and conflict.

@Leafy74

I think in their 20s lots of women walk straight past decent men and into the arms of good-looking dickheads. 10 years later the good men are busy being good husbands and fathers and the women who walked Straight past them are struggling to get their life back on track.

This is true. And I agree with the OP in principle that the partner you choose can have a massive impact on the quality of your life and in particular that a bad or abusive partner can do untold harm.

Where I would diverge is in the solution to this. Unlike some people on here I don’t believe it’s possible to ever be 100% sure you have picked the “right” partner. You can dodge the walking red flags until the cows come home but you cannot really know someone until you have children with them. So all this “I chose carefully” stuff is bollocks. It luck.

And this is why the only real solution is never to become financially dependent on a man.

You can’t guarantee the man you fall in love with won’t turn out to be a selfish arsehole. All you can do is make sure you can earn enough money that if push comes to shove you can go it alone.

Its precisely my parents influence that shaped my view of what a good, healthy relationship should look like.

With absolute focus, determination and single minded thinking that got me my marriage.

No way on this green earth was I going to be trapped with something that would ruin even a single day of my life never mind a lifetime.

No fucking way.

You learn about a partner from the family you are from. Having a good father will usually result in you choosing a good husband.

The Freedom Programme may be helpful, OP.

Yes, of course, it is.

I've made some terrible choices that have cost me mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. I am an absolutely dreadful judge of character and I hold my hands up to that. I'm a fixer, a "saver" and it has caused me nothing but horrors so on that basis, I do not have a life partner and have chosen not to have another relationship.

I have a wonderful Dad and a very lovely upbringing. Still didn't stop me choosing badly unfortunately. My parents had a very happy marriage until my Mum's death. I've been divorced twice. It's shit.

@TheFormidableMrsC

That is why usually is in bold in my post. It's not a guarantee.

Totally agree. I’ve thought about this before.

if i hadn’t married my dh I wouldn’t have Dd…..obviously I might have a different child but it wouldn’t be Dd.

i probably wouldn’t have the career/job i currently have. Dh supported me to go back to uni to train as a midwife when Dd was a toddler. I guess maybe another man might also have been ok with this. But it takes a very supportive partner to not only be ok with me having no money for three years, but still having to pay for childcare, him been the one having to do the childminder drop offs and pick ups, me working weekends, etc.

dh is steady, supportive, kind. Looks after me when I’m poorly (I have a chronic illness), earns a good wage and does more housework than I do and is also excellent at diy.

Yes, but that decision is made against a backdrop of your life experience (as others have referred to) and societal conditioning. It is the latter which so often seems to make a woman think that she can "tame" a "bad" boy and, more importantly, that she should step back career wise, be the primary carer, take on more of the domestic and wider mental load. That, in turn, contributes to the decision of your life partner being so critical as, if you are the lower earner, leaving becomes much more difficult.
That's before you even come onto the societal conditioning about women taking traditionally lower paid roles in the first place, misogyny in the work place meaning a woman won't get pay rises or promotions etc and so they are more likely to be the lower earner in a relationship in the first place and therefore it makes more sense for them to reduce their hours or give up work.

In my twenties I dated cool boys - they were idiots and pretty, played in bands and didn’t have real jobs but were decent and kind.

DH was a geek who charmed me. He took me out for dinner and knew all about which wine paired with what dish. Cared about social justice and loved animals. Chatted about art, history and science like he was presenter on BBC4 and knew his music.

I was blinded to how selfish he was in the first few years. He’s extremely materialistic and cares about how others perceive him and social status in a way I just don’t. He can’t cope with confrontation so I mistook him for being easy going but he’s not at all and burns with anger if he doesn’t get his way. He thinks very rigidly and everything is curated so if me or DC have a different view or do things differently he can’t cope. He won’t act out with the other people as it would damage the face he presents to the world so it’s all directed at me and I recently learnt the children too. DD said the other day daddy is always angry but tries to hide it - he’ll drive the car too fast and go over the speed limit if we’re being silly. He told me that was true but he hadn’t done it recently. 😞

I wouldn’t have the wonderful children I have if I hadn’t met him. But so much about him has negatively impacted me, my career, self esteem. I worry what DC are internalising but it feels a lot to break up the family as they love him.

Just screaming into the anonymity but I really agree with the OP.

Yea @Adaytoremember I also understand where you're coming from. My H was later diagnosed as autistic and when I look back I did exactly as you did, eg read avoidant as laid back / easygoing. It's just not that easy when you're a young kid! It's a mix of me reading wrongly and DH masking / people pleasing but at this point we're friends but can clearly see our major incompatibility.I've 'forgiven' my naive self (for want of a better word) and am a little in awe of PP who pursued good husbands with a laser focus!

I agree with this.

Coupled with the fact that hot and cold men/relationships can feel very intoxicating whilst safe, stable relationships can feel somewhat dull in comparision, and I think we can make poor choices when dating.

I'd say it's THE most important choice in life who you decide to share all aspects of your life with. It can shape your finances, mental health, stress and in the worst case, death.

Think how happy and lovely this world would be if everyone found a kind loving generous partner that pulled their weight and were great parents to their kids.

PP mentioned shared values and goals, which I also think is key.
An ability to communicate in a way that's high in respect for both parties and both either having fairly stable childhoods/pasts or have worked through their "stuff" is also helpful.

I has a difficult childhood and I now cringe at how reactive I was when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I know I hurt some people, although I have apologised now. Lots of therapy has benefited me greatly. I'm a much calmer, kinder wife and mother.

It is 100% the biggest and most important decision you ever make especially if you have DC together.

I got together with DH for all the wrong reasons (abusive parents I wanted to escape and I wanted to be loved). Amazingly I lucked out and DH is amazing. He has his faults as we all do but they are minor. He is kind, supportive, generous and has never been remotely abusive. He has paid for all the medical treatment I have needed to recover from my childhood as the NHS were no help. He is also an incredible father and DS is having the best childhood.

I can't claim credit for any good judgement on my part. I was just so lucky.

Isn't the pill also said to have some bearing on who you choose? Or who you're attracted to? But then, looking at my partners, I met them both on and off pill and have been with dh through pill/ pregnancy/pnd/peri etc so it's hard to tell.

I made one, pretty catastrophic choice in men in my early 20s. It was like I deliberately chose the opposite of the lovely man I'd become bored with, then stuck with him as some kind of penance for being a shit to nice man (Catholic guilt- never leaves you).

However, the shit one really made me grow up, so when I met dh I was crystal clear on what I would put up with- but also, was appreciative of the fact that I'm also not perfect. The only thing I'd change about dh is the age difference. I can see that becoming problematic in a way I didn't even think about in my 20s. But then, he could be my age and a twat.

Honestly. I massively lowered my standards as I wanted a child and had fertility issues I married an older, boring moany man. It was hell. He now sees his child after ignoring him for years as he was trying to find another woman to pay his debts off. Well he's found her and now he'll do 30pc with his child. I re married but will never have another child as don't want to be tied down to someone else til the day I die because that's what it is. I saw my ex with his new girlfriend. She looks worn down.

Isn't the pill also said to have some bearing on who you choose? Or who you're attracted to?

Yes I read this recently too, and it concluded it could be one of the reasons why relationships struggle when getting to the family planning stage coming off it (obviously there will be an array of contributory factors in this!) but it was a really interesting read. I saw it in Period Power, not sure now 'scientifically researched' it is but I am firmly signed up to the belief hormones, including r ones, have huge bearings on us as people so I believe it entirely!

your choice of life partner can be one of the biggest decisions you ever make?

Uh, stating the obvious!? Why do you think getting married is such a big deal and everyone has an opinion? Why do you think everyone says not to have kids with shit men? It’s essentially the entire reason Mumsnet forum exists is it not?

Fascinating about the pill! I wasn't on it when I met DH so maybe that is partly why I lucked out.

I completely agree on the mental health aspect. But it shouldn’t be shaping your finances.

No one should ever be hitching their financial security to another person, however loving, solvent and trustworthy they seem when you meet them. It’s not worth the gamble.

Look after your own finances first before you even think about finding a partner. If you do this a bad partner doesn’t have to be an inescapable life sentence and a good one will be all upside.

Most women will at some point date a man who is not worthy. The trick is to not become financially dependent so it’s not a disaster if you end up having children with a wrong‘in.

Whereas I was, and engaging in lots of risky behaviour with various strangers. Just got lucky.

I do find him more irritating these days though.... but mid 40s hormones are now in charge and they are capricious little buggers.

I completely agree with you that some women are financially abused and used by their partners, or their partners could have secret debts which will affect the couples net worth.

That shapes their financial future. Simply being on the same page, honest and open financially is so important and can often be missing in a marriage, sadly. There are tons of posts on the relationship board which are heartbreaking.