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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I police my sons friends phone usage at my house?

83 replies

lucy6058 · 21/12/2024 22:03

It's the first time my sons had a friend over for a sleepover. He's 12 and has had a mobile since he was 11. It's always been agreed that his mobile is to be left downstairs in the evening, to charge. He is not allowed his mobile in his bedroom at nightime.
However, his friend said he is always allowed his mobile at bedtime and felt anxious not to be able to contact his mum.
So they are currently up in my sons room with a mobile. I've turned off the WiFi in the hope the friend doesn't have data (but is still able to contact his mum should he need to). But what do others do? I'm interested in learning how best to navigate this. They are at such an impressionable age, and having started to watch the doc with Emma and Matt Willis, I do not like the idea of them being online late at night.
I am also unable to watch tv, as my smart tv needs the wifi!!!! So I'm going to bed to read a book!!!

OP posts:
Differentstarts · 21/12/2024 22:44

Yabu it's a sleepover loosen the rules they can't do anything at night on the Internet that they can't do in the day.

Iamfeel · 21/12/2024 22:49

Tell the soft shite not to feel anxious about contacting his mum. Also if you know what you're doing its easy enough to go into your router settings and see if he is online and disconnect his phone access so you can still use your own wifi.

Honestly being held to ransom by a little kid its no wonder this country is so wet.

MerryChristmasYaFilthyAnimals · 21/12/2024 22:54

My DD age 11 had a no phone rule overnight in her bedroom. I've had sleepovers ranging from one more kid to five at once. I've always let the parents know that's my rule. The phones are on charge downstairs or on the landing and can be accessed in an emergency to call home if wanted. They can keep their phones a bit later obviously, but once's it's lights out, the phones are out of the bedroom. Together they can get silly (which is fine, they're kids) but video evidence or calling others late at night etc isn't happening at mine. As yet, never had pushback from kids or parents.

fashionqueen0123 · 21/12/2024 22:55

If he’s 12 he should be ok to go for a night without his mum! My kids have been going to sleep overs since about age 9 and therefore had no phones. Honestly.
Id just say to put them on the landing or something

MerryChristmasYaFilthyAnimals · 21/12/2024 22:56

Suggest he puts the phone on the landing in case he needs his mum, but it's out of the bedroom. If that makes him feel anxious he's happy to call his mum to collect him.

Shouldnellly · 21/12/2024 22:57

If it’s the first time your child has ever had a friend over at 12 I’d be doing everything to keep that friendship going tbh

FusionChefGeoff · 21/12/2024 22:59

In our house it's our rules so I ask for phones before they go upstairs but tell them they can wake me up anytime if they need mum / to use phones.

FumingTRex · 21/12/2024 23:00

Your house, your rules. My DS was told to leave his phone downstairs when on a sleepover, i was pleased when i heard.

If he feels he wants to go home he needs to tell you anyway. Its really not helping kids to use the phone as a security blanket.

EveryMinuteEveryHour · 21/12/2024 23:03

Op kindly there is no way I'd let my son stay with you if you wouldn't let him have his phone on him. You don't know his background or why he's anxious to stay in contact with his mum so yabvvvvvvvvvu.

EveryMinuteEveryHour · 21/12/2024 23:05

Iamfeel · 21/12/2024 22:49

Tell the soft shite not to feel anxious about contacting his mum. Also if you know what you're doing its easy enough to go into your router settings and see if he is online and disconnect his phone access so you can still use your own wifi.

Honestly being held to ransom by a little kid its no wonder this country is so wet.

This is vile and insane. Disconnecting his phone access, really? Would you want to stay somewhere where this happened to you?

Branleuse · 21/12/2024 23:10

At secondary school?
Id maybe say that phones go on charge in the hall by midnight, but id really try not to embarrass him too much. It depends on the kid i guess.

Wek · 21/12/2024 23:17

Shouldnellly · 21/12/2024 22:57

If it’s the first time your child has ever had a friend over at 12 I’d be doing everything to keep that friendship going tbh

OP said first sleepover not first time over

Stretchanoctave · 21/12/2024 23:19

fashionqueen0123 · 21/12/2024 22:55

If he’s 12 he should be ok to go for a night without his mum! My kids have been going to sleep overs since about age 9 and therefore had no phones. Honestly.
Id just say to put them on the landing or something

This isn’t about your kids though. At 12 he is still allowed to be anxious about being away from home.

Iamfeel · 21/12/2024 23:19

EveryMinuteEveryHour · 21/12/2024 23:05

This is vile and insane. Disconnecting his phone access, really? Would you want to stay somewhere where this happened to you?

Show quote history

Hes a kid you wet wipe. What happens on school trips, what happens at school? Do they have their phones glued to their hands. The kids can ask the OP to call his mum if need be.

She's already cut his phone access anyway.

MintTwirl · 21/12/2024 23:31

Keep the phone, let him know if he wants to contact mum you will be happy to call her. That’s the rules in your home(and mine).

Endofyear · 21/12/2024 23:33

Oh I'm glad my kids grew up before smartphones! It's so hard to navigate this as a parent. I think I'd probably relax the rules for sleepovers but at the end of the day, it's up to you to make the rules in your own house. Maybe allowing the phone but not wifi is a fair compromise!

prepareforthebacklash · 21/12/2024 23:40

If your son is 12, then you must recall a time in your childhood where practically no one had a mobile phone...and you'll know we all coped just fine. So will the parents of your sons friend.

This thread is a real eye-opener, because half the fun of staying away from home was the prospect of not being in contact with my parents. I remember getting told off by a teacher on a school trip when I was 11, because I had used the payphone in the hostel "too much"...too much in this case meant I had telephoned my parents (on their house phone) two days running, to let them know how I was getting on.

Getting lost while in town was another thrill - I was given the bus fare to get myself home, should I become separated from my mother. I can recall having to do this, and then getting told off by her once she'd got home - not told off for getting lost, but told off for going round to the house of the lady at the top of the street where I thoroughly enjoyed the afternoon as she gave me tomato soup & we watched "Neighbours" and it was way, way more interesting than walking round the city centre with my mother not waiting on the doorstep in the freezing rain for her arrival.

fashionqueen0123 · 21/12/2024 23:44

Stretchanoctave · 21/12/2024 23:19

This isn’t about your kids though. At 12 he is still allowed to be anxious about being away from home.

Show quote history

That doesn’t mean he needs to be glued to a mobile all night. If he’s worried he can get OP.

Most kids that age have already been away on over night school trips etc without phones in places much further away.

EveryMinuteEveryHour · 21/12/2024 23:49

Iamfeel · 21/12/2024 23:19

Hes a kid you wet wipe. What happens on school trips, what happens at school? Do they have their phones glued to their hands. The kids can ask the OP to call his mum if need be.

She's already cut his phone access anyway.

Show quote history

That's the point, a kid! I'd be worried about you being in charge of kids if you have so little empathy for why they might be anxious - especially given how nasty you are about the possibility. Sort yourself out.

prepareforthebacklash · 21/12/2024 23:59

EveryMinuteEveryHour · 21/12/2024 23:49

That's the point, a kid! I'd be worried about you being in charge of kids if you have so little empathy for why they might be anxious - especially given how nasty you are about the possibility. Sort yourself out.

Show quote history

When I was growing up in the 80s and 90s I couldn't believe how my parents had spent their youth - it seemed almost draconian. I am now at that point where I think kids of today would have a complete meltdown if they spent 48 hours living as we did. When that teacher told me off for telephoning home two days in a row, I listened to all that she said about how it wasn't necessary, how we were being looked after, how my parents would soon be told if anything was wrong (and ditto I would if there was a problem at home).

I'm not saying that having a go at me was the best way of getting her message across, but my point is that at one time of the day it was the responsibility of the adults in charge of children to set the tone and explain it like it was. If this boy is so anxious about being away from his parents at the age of 12, where is going to end if he's allowed to nurture that feeling? Mind you, all of what I've said is redundant anyway, because when I was a child it was always as case of abiding by the rules of the host, and if your parents didn't like their rules (which was rare) then you weren't allowed to go there.

SE13Mummy · 22/12/2024 00:14

If you've not already done so, I'd go up to the boys and say that as it's midnight, you'd like the friend to put his phone on charge on the landing now so the pair can get some sleep. Reassure him that it'll stay there so if he needs to contact his mum, he will be able to do so but that you don't have phones in children's bedrooms overnight in your home.

Before my DC have finished GCSEs, that's the rule for them and their friends too. DC1 was never a fan but was good at letting friends know in advance so anyone who had an issue with it could decide whether or not to come. It became a bit of a joke amongst their school friends but aged 19, one of the group ended up being filmed and photographed in their sleep by another 'friend' (not from school) who circulated the images. They were furious and incredibly upset that anyone would do that to a sleeping friend, said they could no longer trust them and now won't stay over anywhere the 'friend' is going to be. They said that although they laughed at my rule, they appreciated knowing that no one would be filming them etc. in their sleep.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2024 00:17

Differentstarts · 21/12/2024 22:44

Yabu it's a sleepover loosen the rules they can't do anything at night on the Internet that they can't do in the day.

They're much more likely to watch dangerous things when no supervision

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2024 00:18

MerryChristmasYaFilthyAnimals · 21/12/2024 22:54

My DD age 11 had a no phone rule overnight in her bedroom. I've had sleepovers ranging from one more kid to five at once. I've always let the parents know that's my rule. The phones are on charge downstairs or on the landing and can be accessed in an emergency to call home if wanted. They can keep their phones a bit later obviously, but once's it's lights out, the phones are out of the bedroom. Together they can get silly (which is fine, they're kids) but video evidence or calling others late at night etc isn't happening at mine. As yet, never had pushback from kids or parents.

Very sensible to tell everyone in advance

RedToothBrush · 22/12/2024 00:22

No phones at bedtime. Simple as. Applies to everyone in the house equally. Phones to be left in another place.

Re being anxious about not being able to contact mum. That's tough shit. Reassure, but say the rule still stands. If he is still too anxious, you feel it might be better if he goes home. (Call his bluff).

Honestly this is why scouts and schools ban phones because otherwise the kids wind themselves up wanting to contact parents. If you tell them they can't but if they have a problem they can go home or you'll contact their parents then they just have to deal with it or stop the fun.

I don't have time for kids whose parents have moddly coddled them to this extent. No phones at bedtime for a reason. My house, my rules. Suck it up or go home.

LostPups · 22/12/2024 00:25

I think it depends! ....

If it's a sleepover party, leave them be!

If it's a special fun sleepover with a friend, leave them be!

If it's a kid sleeping over because his parents are out and you r doing them a favour having child over and this child comes over a lot, and your DC has to be up early in the morning, then I'd say no phones after 9pm.