Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I police my sons friends phone usage at my house?

83 replies

lucy6058 · 21/12/2024 22:03

It's the first time my sons had a friend over for a sleepover. He's 12 and has had a mobile since he was 11. It's always been agreed that his mobile is to be left downstairs in the evening, to charge. He is not allowed his mobile in his bedroom at nightime.
However, his friend said he is always allowed his mobile at bedtime and felt anxious not to be able to contact his mum.
So they are currently up in my sons room with a mobile. I've turned off the WiFi in the hope the friend doesn't have data (but is still able to contact his mum should he need to). But what do others do? I'm interested in learning how best to navigate this. They are at such an impressionable age, and having started to watch the doc with Emma and Matt Willis, I do not like the idea of them being online late at night.
I am also unable to watch tv, as my smart tv needs the wifi!!!! So I'm going to bed to read a book!!!

OP posts:
shoulde · 22/12/2024 07:55

TheUsualChaos · 22/12/2024 07:37

Have we as a society really become this reliant on phones? Some of these responses are insane. If you feel your child needs to be able to message you in the night then why are you trusting the parents to look after them? Surely people don't let their kids go to sleepovers unless they already know the parents pretty well?!

Is the child genuinely anxious or is it the go to line they reel off to be able to hold on to their phone? And if they are that anxious then perhaps shouldn't be doing sleepovers anyway.

Of course phones should stay downstairs at night at that age! I think some of you need to open your eyes to what kids are seeing on their phones despite parents thinking they have all the safety measures in place.

Phones are making children anxious!!! The evidence is piling up. Take them away.

Couldn't agree more.

Some of the replies are really disheartening. I assumed we all wanted to protect our children from the dangers of smartphone/social media use. Seems I was wrong.

Blabadder · 22/12/2024 07:58

HoneyPie12 · 22/12/2024 07:53

Is this a joke? He is only a baby comparatively, in someone else's house where the rules are different. All he wanted to do was to be able to contact his mum. Not watch porn or use OPs credit card details to book holidays, just text his mum. People like you are the reason boys are afraid to have feelings. It isn't "wet" at that age to want to check in with your mum or Dad when you are always from home. FFS.

Show quote history

Sorry, but it’s not a 1990s Nokia is it? It has the internet. And a camera.
And if I was a kid who really wanted my phone to stay up have the night scrolling TikTok and playing Roblox or whatever that certainly ain’t what I would tell my parents. I would say, it’s in case I need you, it’s to feel safe.
What parent would fall for that.
But if that child isn’t able to leave his phone in another room for the night, then that child shouldn’t be in sleepovers.

Whether it’s a boy or a girl makes NO difference.

Annabella92 · 22/12/2024 07:59

EveryMinuteEveryHour · 21/12/2024 23:49

That's the point, a kid! I'd be worried about you being in charge of kids if you have so little empathy for why they might be anxious - especially given how nasty you are about the possibility. Sort yourself out.

Show quote history

If the kid is that anxious without a phone I'd suggest the permissive parenting and unhindered phone access will have something to do with that level of anxiety. Getting a child addicted to their smartphones is only going to compound whatever issue came before.

DeffoNeedANameChange · 22/12/2024 08:08

When my 12yo has friends round, I collect in all the phones the minute they walk through the door - as someone already said, there's nothing they can do overnight that they can't do during the day.

I leave the phones in a box in the kitchen, easily accessible if they need to call/text a parent. And I would leave the box right outside the bedroom door if they were particularly anxious.

FWIW I'm a teacher. Safeguarding is literally at the heart of everything we do.

MsJilly · 22/12/2024 08:10

DeffoNeedANameChange · 22/12/2024 08:08

When my 12yo has friends round, I collect in all the phones the minute they walk through the door - as someone already said, there's nothing they can do overnight that they can't do during the day.

I leave the phones in a box in the kitchen, easily accessible if they need to call/text a parent. And I would leave the box right outside the bedroom door if they were particularly anxious.

FWIW I'm a teacher. Safeguarding is literally at the heart of everything we do.

I wish more parents would actually parent this way.

TammyJones · 22/12/2024 08:57

MerryChristmasYaFilthyAnimals · 21/12/2024 22:54

My DD age 11 had a no phone rule overnight in her bedroom. I've had sleepovers ranging from one more kid to five at once. I've always let the parents know that's my rule. The phones are on charge downstairs or on the landing and can be accessed in an emergency to call home if wanted. They can keep their phones a bit later obviously, but once's it's lights out, the phones are out of the bedroom. Together they can get silly (which is fine, they're kids) but video evidence or calling others late at night etc isn't happening at mine. As yet, never had pushback from kids or parents.

Luckily never had this problem but I would be same - no phone , or no sleep over ...

Onthefence87 · 22/12/2024 09:06

Iamfeel · 21/12/2024 22:49

Tell the soft shite not to feel anxious about contacting his mum. Also if you know what you're doing its easy enough to go into your router settings and see if he is online and disconnect his phone access so you can still use your own wifi.

Honestly being held to ransom by a little kid its no wonder this country is so wet.

That's really horrible....have some fucking sensitivity, he's only 12.

It's attitudes like yours that feed the men's mental health problem we have in this country, not allowing boys to show any vulnerability.

DazedAndConfused321 · 22/12/2024 09:25

No you can't police another child's phone use. You sound unhinged!

fashionqueen0123 · 22/12/2024 09:28

Reading he’s in therapy for depression and has unlimited access on his phone is not good. His parents should watch the documentary about the smart phone free school experiment.

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 22/12/2024 09:29

Iamfeel · 21/12/2024 22:49

Tell the soft shite not to feel anxious about contacting his mum. Also if you know what you're doing its easy enough to go into your router settings and see if he is online and disconnect his phone access so you can still use your own wifi.

Honestly being held to ransom by a little kid its no wonder this country is so wet.

Hahahah

OneAmplePearlKoala · 22/12/2024 09:30

Shouldnellly · 21/12/2024 22:57

If it’s the first time your child has ever had a friend over at 12 I’d be doing everything to keep that friendship going tbh

Some kids don’t like sleep overs either hosting or as a guest. This doesn’t mean they don’t have good friends.
My DD is 15 and has never had one she has incredibly close group of friends.
My DS is 18 and had many growing up and now is out or has someone over most nights - he has a wide circle of acquaintances but not so many good friends.
There isn’t a correlation.

OP - I wouldn’t be comfortable with this either and I would have talked about phone rules with the other mum.

heartsinvisiblefury · 22/12/2024 09:32

I think as it's his phone you shouldn't be taking it away. If you want him to not have his phone you should explain that before he stays over and he can decide if he wants to or not.

Jifmicroliquid · 22/12/2024 09:32

Anything goes at a sleepover doesn’t it? I’d relax rules for it.

Chillilounger · 22/12/2024 09:45

I would have told him clearly the rules in this house and offer to drive him home if he starts to feel anxious. You are being played.

nodramaplz · 22/12/2024 09:47

Ask him to turn the phone off!
He can turn it on if he needs her

minipie · 22/12/2024 09:50

Goodness

My kids and their friends have been having sleepovers since about age 7 or 8, none of them had phones at that age of course.

If they were anxious and needed to contact a parent they asked me, or they told my child and my child asked me.

Can’t see why it would need to be different for a 12 year old.

The slight downside of it being harder to contact mum is FAR outweighed by the potential for mischief with phones upstairs. That’s exactly when mean or inappropriate messages get sent for example.

Sassybooklover · 22/12/2024 09:53

It's probably a conversation to have had with the friend's Mum prior to the sleepover. For all you know, the child's Mum might have the exact same rules at home! If there's a rule to exploit, then kids will generally find it! However, in this instance, you don't know if what he's telling you is correct or not. I would allow the phone on this occasion, but make sure you discuss this with the child's parent, when he is collected tomorrow. The parents might be of the same mind, no phones in the bedroom at night, at home, but would prefer him to have his phone at night at yours in case he wants to text/call home. On the other hand, the child could have access to his phone 24/7 at home and they'd expect the same at yours! Who knows, their opinion, until you ask.

Shouldnellly · 22/12/2024 11:51

I’d like my daughter to always be able to discreetly text me if she feels uncomfortable and needs collecting.

Balloonhearts · 22/12/2024 11:56

I'd make him leave it downstairs. He can still contact his parents, he just has to walk down the stairs to use it. 12 steps are not likely to be a major roadblock.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/12/2024 12:21

The suggestion of leaving outside on the landing where he can use it if he needs to, but is out of the room is a good compromise and seems to be popular suggestion

TBH I'm not so sure, OP ... once you're in bed yourself the phone would probably last microseconds "on the landing"

Personally I'd have checked their own phone rules with the lad's parents before the sleepover, partly to find out whether "I can have it all night" is true, but mainly so you have the chance to reconsider the stay if their parenting choices don't align with yours

Marblesbackagain · 22/12/2024 14:23

Iamfeel · 21/12/2024 22:49

Tell the soft shite not to feel anxious about contacting his mum. Also if you know what you're doing its easy enough to go into your router settings and see if he is online and disconnect his phone access so you can still use your own wifi.

Honestly being held to ransom by a little kid its no wonder this country is so wet.

What a disgusting way to talk about child. Get under your bridge troll 🧌

SE13Mummy · 22/12/2024 14:24

@Puzzledandpissedoff I found that once the phones were on the landing, the volume in the bedroom went up but the phones stayed there. Without the crutch/barrier of each having a phone, they chatted (loudly!) until they eventually got to sleep.

TheUsualChaos · 22/12/2024 14:32

Jifmicroliquid · 22/12/2024 09:32

Anything goes at a sleepover doesn’t it? I’d relax rules for it.

Oh yeah, anything goes on sleepovers. Why not?

Porn? Violence? Talking to paedophilles hiding on apps like Roblox? Yeah why not just relax? 🤦‍♀️

Epanoto · 22/12/2024 15:58

We had a no phones in room overnight rule. This also applied to sleepovers.

I would tell the child that their phone would be on the landing to charge, so they still had access.

I would also speak to the parents of the child to check what their rules are, if they have screen time set up and to also let them know your rules in your house.

Too many people giving kids unlimited access to mobiles and not considering the consequences. 😔

rayofsunshine86 · 22/12/2024 16:02

This is why we recently bought a house phone :) A kid can use that no problem at all.