Do I police my sons friends phone usage at my house?

[lucy6058]

It's the first time my sons had a friend over for a sleepover. He's 12 and has had a mobile since he was 11. It's always been agreed that his mobile is to be left downstairs in the evening, to charge. He is not allowed his mobile in his bedroom at nightime.
However, his friend said he is always allowed his mobile at bedtime and felt anxious not to be able to contact his mum.
So they are currently up in my sons room with a mobile. I've turned off the WiFi in the hope the friend doesn't have data (but is still able to contact his mum should he need to). But what do others do? I'm interested in learning how best to navigate this. They are at such an impressionable age, and having started to watch the doc with Emma and Matt Willis, I do not like the idea of them being online late at night.
I am also unable to watch tv, as my smart tv needs the wifi!!!! So I'm going to bed to read a book!!!

I think I’d put it in the hall so that he has access to it but it won’t keep them up all night. I’d let the Mum know too.

It’s a hard one, OP. I know people are saying “my house, my rules” but if you remove it completely, from his Mums POV, he’s gone to his friend’s house and she now can’t get a hold of him directly.

Given she lets him have unrestricted access overnight, she’d probably wonder why you wanted to stop her son contacting her. Rightly or wrongly, safety of kids around adults is rammed into us now and that would probably be her worry. Who else is in the house? Why has her 12 year old been cut off from her when she’s not there?

Obviously it’s no help at 12.20am but maybe in the future just mention to the other kid’s Mum that your son doesn’t have his phone overnight so you’ll be taking them at a certain point. It gives them an opportunity to decline, rather than have no say until it’s being done.

I saw that documentary on Channel 4 and I've recommended all parents with under 16's that I know to watch it. It's utterly terrifying.

Stick to your guns. No screens in the bedroom overnight. If your child's friend needs to call his Mother then he needs to wake you up.

Your rules. Stay strong, I know kids can be persuasive!

There was no need for you to speak like that regardless of what you feel.

Wow some horrible posters on here calling kids names! Why can't a kid be anxious? I know a few who are. Doesn't mean they are molly coddled. In fact it's a big deal for them to be away from home and a great achievement. If they know they can contact their parents then what's the harm. I say this as a kid brought up in the 'tough love' of the 70s and 80s. Doesn't mean that way is the best way. It's fantastic some more anxious kids are reaching out and broadening their social life. No need to be nasty!

Tell him to stop being so wet and hand his phone over. He can call mum in the morning. If he survives the night.

You can give him the option of going home.

I had this recently. I told them I was taking all the devices at 10. One said they had to have it in case they wanted to contact their mum. I told them they were welcome to come and get it if they needed to. There then proceeded to be a pantomime where their tablet was 'broken' and they were distressed about it. (It was frozen with asian text in the top bar). I knew it was a blag because the acting started before it came out the bag! I said the best way to solve the tablet issue was to let it run out of battery so took it anyway. I was prepared to say if they were that upset then they could get their parents to come and collect them. I managed to turn the tablet off and when it came on it was fine.
My issue wasn't what they might access late at night - they had access before. But more that they would just be on it all night. I take my own kids stuff away.

Their 12 so I doubt their being supervised in the day. At night the chances are op is closer to them and can actually hear what their doing more then the day, assuming all the bedrooms are upstairs

We apply our house rules on devices, which is that they go on the docking station in the living area during breakfast/dinner and at bedtime (yes, we extend bedtime for sleepovers and after that as long as they’re quiet they can stay up and chat, play on the switch or watch a movie). Kids have access to them if something is wrong - they’re not locked away and frankly if they’re motivated they could go out and get them after DH and I are in bed. But I do believe having them out of rooms in general is a net positive for both safeguarding and friendships. I don’t ever frame this as policing another child’s phone use, it’s just us having household rules and expecting young guests to respect them along with our DC. We have a pretty steady stream of day guests & sleepovers I’ve never had pushback from parents or any significant angst from the kids when presented that way in advance.

I think the ship has sailed in terms of some children being allowed unrestricted access to the internet. Some parents are under the delusion that a phone keeps them safe, when it's quite the opposite. Kids are seeing all kinds of things they shouldn't, some parents are just pretending it isn't happening.
When my nephews stay over they leave their phones downstairs when they go to bed. I've no idea what their parents think, I haven't asked them. 12 year old boys aren't having unsupervised access to the internet on my watch.

I would have kept this as one of the conditions for staying but told parents in advance. Do it for nxt time. I'm with u no phones at night . I'm a teacher and have seen pupil tiredness, to the point of actually falling asleep escalate out of all proportion

Our house our rules! We make them leave their phones downstairs in the kitchen. We tell the kids that they can go and get them if they need to contact parents or anything but they are to stay downstairs.
Never had any fuss with that - they know they can get the phone.
No good can come of leaving phones overnight with kids…

Kindly, if a child is so anxious/has a tricky background their parent would be unreasonable NOT to explain this in advance to the parent responsible at a sleepover.

Or that child should maybe not have sleepovers while they’re anxious away from their mum (which is fine, sleepovers are not the be all and end all).

It's interesting that having your phone attached to you at 12, is being seen as a solution to anxiety rather than the cause.

If a child is overwhelmed by walking to the hallway to get his phone, if he "needed" to, then he has no business staying anywhere and the parents need to be stepping up and sorting it out.

If my child is at a sleepover I would not be happy if she didn't have her phone so she can message me if she is uncomfortable. She has a daily limit and down time on her phone so no need to leave downstairs on a night. Far easier than turning the WiFi off! I'd definitely relax rules at a sleepover. It's one night.

nope. I’m not taking anyone’s phone ‘off’ them - they can go an get it if they need it.
Your child shouldn’t be anywhere overnight that they don’t feel like they can either ask the parents to contact you or ask their friends to ask the parents anyway.

Have we as a society really become this reliant on phones? Some of these responses are insane. If you feel your child needs to be able to message you in the night then why are you trusting the parents to look after them? Surely people don't let their kids go to sleepovers unless they already know the parents pretty well?!

Is the child genuinely anxious or is it the go to line they reel off to be able to hold on to their phone? And if they are that anxious then perhaps shouldn't be doing sleepovers anyway.

Of course phones should stay downstairs at night at that age! I think some of you need to open your eyes to what kids are seeing on their phones despite parents thinking they have all the safety measures in place.

Phones are making children anxious!!! The evidence is piling up. Take them away.

It's his property he should have his phone if he wants. Tbh I would have let your son have his as a treat.

And if he has 4g he will still be able to access the internet!

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I have read your different opinions with interest.
I think part of my concern is that as much as I can, I've put security measures on my sons devices to try and keep him safe, but I know his friend hasn't got these, so there is a danger than can view harmful things on his phone. His friend is a really nice kid, but he's told me he's allowed unlimited time on his phone and his parents are often out working so not monitoring what he is seeing and he is currently having therapy for depression. I can't help but worry the 2 are related.
The suggestion of leaving outside on the landing where he can use it if he needs to, but is out of the room is a good compromise and seems to be popular suggestion.

Unlimited phone access and in therapy at age 12. I would put money on the two things being connected. This is the anxious generation. It's not the lockdowns. It's phones.

You're doing the right thing OP. Stick to your boundaries and protect your child.

Your house your rules. I'd expect your child to have told their friend that phones aren't allowed after lights out. Seems sensible to me. And if parents don't like that then they can chose not to allow the sleepover.

My daughter has a codeword to text me if she feels uncomfortable at anytime because that can happen with friends or family that she has always been happy with. Thankfully she rarely goes to sleepovers but if she does I want to know she can contact me. Not sure how one night of allowing a phone is so bad? Why does keeping the phone downstairs mean they won't see anything bad on the internet that they could've seen in the afternoon??? Or am I missing something? I have all the settings on the WiFi and 5g set accordingly and as many parent and family restrictions I can do to limit issues. Each to their own, thankfully my DD isn't obsessed with her phone.

I'm in two minds as whilst I can see why you worry, I found that teaching children to manage limits themselves was far more effective. I didn't remove my dc's phones, they had basic phones until 13 then smartphones but we had rules on not using them at night and I never actually caught them breaking that. Same with tablets and laptops, no using at night, and they had had tablets younger. Not sure if I just got lucky with compliant children but I explained about things and they accepted with draconian measures

Is this a joke? He is only a baby comparatively, in someone else's house where the rules are different. All he wanted to do was to be able to contact his mum. Not watch porn or use OPs credit card details to book holidays, just text his mum. People like you are the reason boys are afraid to have feelings. It isn't "wet" at that age to want to check in with your mum or Dad when you are always from home. FFS.

Christ. Having a phone is NOT helping this kid. I can share many stories of some of the stupid things kids have done on sleepovers using their phones… friends kids, not ours. In one instance the police were involved. In another there was massive fallout with the parents friendship group over messages that had been send in the middle of the night.

We can’t trust teens and children to self regulate, they’re literally programmed not to - then throw smart phones with access to the internet, video calling and cameras into the mix… the number of times I’ve heard parents say ‘ but it so out of character for him/her to do that, we never thought that the would - fill in the blank- etc’