Shy 2 year old - comments

[Namechangedforre]

Wondering if anyone has some advice or tips. My DD is absolutely adorable. At home and in environments she knows (eg her playgroup and classes) she is chatty and giggly and a lot of fun. However, when we go into new environments eg holidays or peoples house or shops - she totally changes. She goes really shy and often pulls on my leg and will look very upset and not speak to anyone. I guess she goes very shy. We are currently on holiday and all of the lovely staff keep trying to play with her or smile or ask her for a high five etc and she will just hide or look sad. I have tried encouraging her but she is just really shy.

It’s night two and a few people have made comments about how she is “stroppy” or “always tired” or “totally silent” or
”wow so quiet so weird’” it’s really upsetting me. I explain that she is just shy and to give her time but of course cannot say that to every person!

Is her behaviour normal? People just expect kids to be all animated and bubbly. She is not. Yes she is quiet and shy around new people but that doesn’t make her weird.

I am getting myself quite sad.

My 3.5 year old was exactly the same when she was 2, in fact sometimes even with people she knew she'd sometimes go all shy and clingy. I tried never to force her or say she's shy within earshot of her (I was painfully shy when younger and hearing my mum say I was shy made it worse) but I totally understand how hard it is when you see other kids that are the total opposite. I remember getting frustrated at times because the shyness would be to her own detriment eg she'd miss out on playing with toys at playgroup because she wouldn't leave my side the whole time. It probably triggered me because I do feel like I missed out on things when younger due to my shyness and so I used to worry so much that she'd struggle to make friends etc.

However... she is now super chatty and giggly for the most part although there are still some days where she'll randomly revert back to the shy stage, I think it's when she's feeling overwhelmed or tired/hungry which we try to prevent as much as possible. I think a big turning point was when she started going to nursery 3 days a week instead of 2, she suddenly blossomed into this confident sassy girl and now the trouble is getting her to sit still and quietly! So give your DD time and don't let the comments get to you, even if she does remain shy I bet she'll be one of those clever observers who is good at sussing people out and that's a great quality to have x

Someone said to me once (a child professional) don’t ever tell your kid they are shy. You then put a label on their feelings which may not be accurate and allow them to come out of it and whenever they want to break out or be more confident they remember they are shy.

So say things like ‘how are you feeling?

Perfectly normal.

Yes exactly this! I was constantly labelled as shy when I was a kid and that has never left me even now in my mid 30's.

It’s night two and a few people have made comments about how she is “stroppy” or “always tired” or “totally silent” or ”wow so quiet so weird’” it’s really upsetting me. I explain that she is just shy and to give her time but of course cannot say that to every person!

Who are these people? They’re being bloody rude. Ignore them - your daughter isn’t there to entertain them. She owes them nothing.

Wow thank you for the advice from a professional. I’m going to stop using the “shy” word so she isn’t just labelled.

I am definitely going to stop using it as don’t just want it to be a label for her. Thank you for your first hand experience in teaching me not to use the word! X

What a lovely post. What a wonderful mummy you are to your DD!

I was always called shy, by my mum. I grew up believing I was shy and to 'be' shy, as that's obviously who I thought I was. I wasn't. I'm a massive ambivert. I LOVE being around people I vibe with and weirdly, with strangers. I had low self confidence and when I took my son out as a baby, a woman came over to see him. As soon as she put her face over the pram, he looked away. I naturally said 'oh, he's shy!' and she said 'no he's not, he just doesn't want to talk to me.'

That moment changed my life. She empowered me so much and she never knew it. I loved her for it. I never said those words again, instead using 'he maybe just doesn't like you, 'haha' and other things to put it on to the other person. He was confident and never 'shy' as a toddler/growing up.

Find your empowerment (although it sounds like pp have gave you massive encouragement in this already.) She's not shy, she just isn't interested in some people, like most adults. She's fine, she's finding her own way. She's confident to know herself even while finding her space in the world. There's nothing wrong with that. All the more power to you OP, don't let the bastards grind you down 🙌

I was labelled quiet and shy as a child. I know I drove my mother mad for not appearing to have confidence or be outgoing. I also grew up thinking that it was wrong that some people thought every child or person shoukd be exactly the same with no cognizance that some young children/people like to acclimatise and gain confidence in new situations.

DD was exactly the same and is probably more fundamentally quiet and reflective than me. I gave her space to develop in her own time.

DD is now 26 and manages Year 10 and 11s, magnificently I gather.

@Namechangedforre there is absolutely nothing wrong with your dd. There is much wring with some of the adults interacting with her.

@Namechangedforre I do get that others do but I think it depends on who is around you. Surrounded by negative people is not great.

Thank you. I’m going to be really careful with my communication and language around her regarding the situation and not constantly label her.

You are lovely. Thank you for this and to the lovely lady who gave you that “lightbulb moment”!

Aw thank you although admittedly I have been quite a shouty mum in the last few weeks (threenager problems)! Every age comes with a fresh challenge and then you forget how tough the previous challenge was 😂

My 2 year old is also a bit more reserved than other toddlers who run up to us at soft play. It's his personality 🙂 My DH is also a bit reserved 🙂

@Namechangedforre

I had exactly the same situation with my DC, I used to smile and tell people my child has been brought up not to speak to strangers. People weren't so free with their opinions then. Fast forward and DC is now an adult who is not at all shy. I never forced my child to speak to people, but let them go at their own pace.

It's totally normal for a 2yo to be shy in unfamiliar situations, around unfamiliar people! That's how the human race has survived that long! Very small children needed to be fearful of the unknown and stay close to their main caregivers so they weren't eaten by wolves!!

I have all that to come! I hope you have a lovely Christmas!

I never thought of it that way!!

I used to get this as a child then my 3 dc did too. Tell your friends to get a grip. These kids turn into lovely adults!

Are they friends or random people? I can see why close family might be concerned, but other people? Don't see that at all. Of course some dc are reticent. I’ve seen some dc defer to their parents for “permission” to do things when they are much older than 2 or 3. They do gain independence though with encouragement.

Of course you cannot make a reticent child an extrovert any more than an extrovert is taught to hide their personality. Both need parenting though to bring out the best in them. That might actually be being quiet and listening!

It's not weird, it's normal. My 2.5yo can be very chatty or very shy with strangers depending on how she feels.

My eldest like that - in fact santa visits were not fun! But my youngest is the opposite and people comment how lovely he is. They are BOTH lovely but it's easier for strangers to interact with the chatty one

When my DD was 2 if we went somewhere new she would hide with her eyes clamped shut and refuse to get off my knee. No one else's child did this and I used to find it so stressful.
She is now 7 and is perfectly polite, friendly, sociable and is still a little shy but will push herself and chat to people. Don't worry op, your little one is perfectly normal.

Yes, I agree. OP, it can be very worrying to be the parent of a child who will speak to anyone. Perhaps there’s a happy medium !! - but both of mine were at the other extreme which brings its own problems!

In your case I’d practise a few responses as suggested by pp and roll them out. And remember that commenting on a child in this way is as bad as commenting on a child’s appearance, and you do not need to be nice to such rude people.

At two I wouldn’t worry too much. Strangers I assume calling her ‘weird’ is just unnecessary. My 3 year old DC is developmentally atypical, so probably autistic and we know that at this point, but upon first meeting him most people don’t realise he’s a bit different until they start trying to interact with him. I just try to smile and let it go, but I get the usual questioning looks of ‘why isn’t he saying anything, or doing what children that age typically do’. It’s the worst part of parenting a child who’s not the typical stuff, but honestly just try to let it all go. My niece was very much like that at that age, but now different.