Shy 2 year old - comments

[Namechangedforre]

Wondering if anyone has some advice or tips. My DD is absolutely adorable. At home and in environments she knows (eg her playgroup and classes) she is chatty and giggly and a lot of fun. However, when we go into new environments eg holidays or peoples house or shops - she totally changes. She goes really shy and often pulls on my leg and will look very upset and not speak to anyone. I guess she goes very shy. We are currently on holiday and all of the lovely staff keep trying to play with her or smile or ask her for a high five etc and she will just hide or look sad. I have tried encouraging her but she is just really shy.

It’s night two and a few people have made comments about how she is “stroppy” or “always tired” or “totally silent” or
”wow so quiet so weird’” it’s really upsetting me. I explain that she is just shy and to give her time but of course cannot say that to every person!

Is her behaviour normal? People just expect kids to be all animated and bubbly. She is not. Yes she is quiet and shy around new people but that doesn’t make her weird.

I am getting myself quite sad.

It sounds so so similar. I literally am always saying something like “oh she just woke up so isn’t very chatty!” Or “oh it’s nearly nap time!”

I don’t know if it was the same for you, but by some weird coincidence a lot of my friends children’s are the total opposite and very confident with strangers so sometimes I feel the odd one out.

It seems nowadays that a lot of people think toddlers have to be on show - performing.

Yes! I had a few friends with very confident children which did make me worried about mine at the time. I remembering reading up about it quite a lot, very reassuring and lots around natural instincts and useful caution as they develop and understand the world. She’s also highly sensitive so I imagine there is a corolation there. It’s definitely normal, and other people are definitely rude!

She just sounds cautious. There’s benefits to that. Glad to hear that she is happy within her peer group. You’ve got no problems there but in terms of people’s comments just say she’s comfortable with her friends and leave at it that.

I would try not to label her as shy as she will hear you say that. She takes a while to warm to strangers and doesn't enjoy strangers attention on her- tell them that!

My son used to hate walking into rooms even if they had family in that he hasn't seen for two weeks. I had to tell them all straight "Hi please ignore him a bit until he feels comfortable here and then he will come up to you when he is ready". A few of them ignored me and kept demanding a hello hug from him and he would scream to get away from them and just cling to me even more. They said "oh I bet he's like that with everyone" I said no not my side of the family because they don't scream at him for a hug until he's clearly ready for one! That got them to stop and now he warms to them quicker.
If ever it happened with complete strangers I would just smile and walk away with him or ask them an adult question to stop them fawning over my child and talk to me instead.
Good luck!

My daughter is now ten but pretty introverted. When with her friends, she’s comfortable and relaxed. I can see the difference between her and some of her bubbly peers but she’s a healthy girl. So, I have no worries.

My 2yo DD is the same. She's just cautious before interacting with new people. She has friends in nursery and is chatty at home and at grandparents house but around new people especially adults she goes very quiet and still.
She is getting better as she used to hide into my lap around strangers and she no longer does that.
It's very rude of people to judge.

My daughter was like this/still is!
I think the problem is on holiday, the animation team want to be in kids faces all the time. When we took our daughter away one of the animation team came up behind her at the pool & touched her shoulder - my daughter was petrified of her for the rest of the holiday & gave her a wide berth!

I think it’s totally fine, for your daughter to act the way she is, if she doesn’t want to engage she doesn’t have to.

The comments from others are unhelpful & rude.

If they try high five or get in her face just say ‘no thank you’ & walk away? And if anyone makes comments you definitely shouldn’t feel like you need to justify anything!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being shy. I think it's important to say to your child that it's OK to be shy. I tell my little ones this as it takes the pressure off them. I tell them that I'm shy when I meet people for the first time and that's fine.

Also be assertive with people...tell them directly "oh she's not ready to play with you now" "she's not comfortable around you yet, you should see her at home!" Etc

I think sexism can compound this. The same way grown women in the street are told to "cheer up love" by random blokes.

My 2 year old son is very solemn and quiet in strange places and with strangers. And like you OP I feel bad for being tempted to explain he's shy or even apologise for him.

But the comments we get is: "Isn't he a serious one?" Or "oh he's in a world of his own". And I often wonder if people would accept it less if he was a girl. I think people are less accepting of girls being their own people and expect girls to smile for their benefit.

So I think it's doubly important to teach our girls that they don't owe anyone a smile and don't have to perform niceness and congeniality for society at large. They are not decorative/entertainment and are entitled to be their own people in their own world.

You are doing a great job of protecting your little one and allowing her to warm up to people at her own pace, which will protect her when she's older from the pressure to conform and behave in ways she's not comfortable with to be accepted.

One of my daughters was just like that, my eldest ... she was diagnosed eventually with selective mutism ... not a lot we wanted to do about that tbh, so we just supported her and her siblings, and bumbled along ... and if it helps (I hope it does) she turned out just fine in that regard, a happy and well balanced person, with a solid bunch of close friends.
(Life later presented her with other issues, but unrelated to that).
I hope everything works out well for you and your daughter 😊

My DD is like this. It can be hard when you feel everyone else's kids are just getting involved and yours isn't, as you say other people can be very judgey. My DD will often refuse to sing when other kids are singing in their little nursery shows or engage in group activities when parents are in - nursery say she does it beautifully normally with the staff and kids she knows but a bunch of strangers (parents) in the room and she hates it. That's ok with me, perfectly sensible IMO and I was similar as a child. But it is hard to feel like your child is being singled out, I get it. I like a PP's response of being selective with company their DC keeps - will have to try that one!

She sounds absolutely lovely and she owes nobody anything. The people who are being weird about her being 'shy' can do one. They're the weird ones, pressuring a little 2 year old! I remember my mum telling other people I was shy and I felt like there was something wrong with me. To be honest I'd just stop mixing with anyone who's a dick about my 2 year old.

I was that shy 2 year old. Let her be and if people comment, just say “Oh yes, she’s shy”. She probably has better manners than those commenting on her!

I have a way off before my DD starts talking and these social situations crop up, but goodness if some infantile adult complained that she didn't like them, i'd just say, "yeah you're probably right" and leave it at that!

Awww she’s fine! It’s completely normal. DD was a great old for giving people the death stare when they smiled at her or asked her questions around that age. When they commented I said she takes a while to size people up. I never apologised for her not performing as strangers wished she would, least of all after the first lockdown when she only really liked the postman!

Much safer to have a reticent one than my friends DD who used to try and hug half the supermarket shoppers.

This sounds very normal. My daughter can be a big extrovert to the point of chatting to strangers in the street age 2. But in larger groups she gets very shy and is known as one of the shyer ones at school. Which surprises everyone I tell as she comes across as So extroverted. So for her (and me!) it's about group size, for my eldest it was about familiarity with the person like your daughter. They're all different but many many kids like your daughter. And I've always understood that kids are kids and if they don't feel able to interact at that point that's ok, why make them or their parents feel awkward about it?

I think the problem is with the people who made the comments, not with your daughter. Loads of kids are the same at that age, she’s a 2 year old little girl, not a performing monkey.

Completely normal - my just turned 2 year old DD is exactly the same. It takes her a while to warm up to new people and environments. I can’t stand when strangers get right up in her face when out and then seem offended that she doesn’t give them a huge smile! The people making the comments are the weird ones.

Who on earth is making comments like this about a 2 year old? It's totally normal for little ones to take a while to warm up to strangers especially in unfamiliar environments! Please don't worry and ignore the stupid ignorant comments. You know your DD is lovely, that's all that matters 💐

This made me laugh! My youngest was very good at giving the death stare too 😂 he really only like me, my uncle and my best friend's husband for some reason!

I cannot tell you how grateful I am for everyone’s replies and to hear my DD is not the only one! She is adorable and like you all said it’s about letting her know she is safe with me and for others to bugger off with their opinions.

YES!!! The death stare!! And she sucks her thumb so it’s thumb in mouth and a death stare. MOOD! Love her.

I love this!!

Yes, this. She's also 2 ffs.