I never feel "special"

[nothingspecialc]

I'm going to sound really materialistic here but I'm really not however I struggle a bit with internal jealously at this time of year and my birthday.

Me and DH are in our early 30s with a toddler. We own a business, I say we, my DH does and I'm a stay at home Mum although planning on DD going to nursery next year and me back to work.

I never feel "special". I never get a random bunch of flowers to show appreciation for all I do for us as a family unit (parenting, keeping our home clean, laundry, food shop etc), a bath run for me etc and I think this then makes me jealous of other bigger things.

One friend recently got given a beautiful eternity ring, absolutely stunning, diamonds, sparkly, just really really gorgeous. Another friends birthday, her DH booked them a trip to Germany for Christmas market in a 5* hotel with a massage and mani/pedi booked for her. Another friend gets random bunches of flowers delivered every couple of months from her DH with a note saying he loves/appreciates her. We are all in the same friendship circle, we are all business owners and I would say we earn pretty much roughly the same give or take a few thousand.

Christmas, I always get cheap face masks that I can't use because my skin is sensitive, I tell him this every year. My 30th birthday coincided with the birth of our daughter, he got me a necklace with two love hearts on but it's not my style, he's known me 15 years. I really wanted to love whatever my birthday present was for my 30th, it's a big day. But I don't. He asks why I never wear it and I feel guilty because I just say oh I forget to change my current one (one I wear all the time/sleep in etc). It's like he doesn't know ME at all.

I've suggested doing lists for Christmas, say write 10 things we'd each like. Pick 3 or 4 of them. I'm not talking Gucci handbags, I'm talking a nice new pair of M&S pjs, my favourite MAC lipstick etc. No, he thinks that ruins Christmas.

This year I've got him/us tickets to see his favourite comedian, a lovely leather coated hip flask, a personalised "Daddy & (DDs name) adventures" sheet where there are things to do then you scratch them off to say completed (things like go to the beach etc), I feel like I put in effort and get nothing back other than cheap face masks and fluffy primark socks (I love primark socks but I buy them for myself, I have so many already).

How do I sort this out? I feel worn down, unappreciated, undervalued and I'm not usually a jealous person but I am recently. I'd love to be whisked off to a 5* hotel for a massage (we are lucky to have parents who love having our DD overnight).

I sound really awful reading this back but it's honestly getting me down.

Show him this and stop doing too much for him.

Most relationships fail, all of those perfect relationships and gifts may well be papering over some hefty cracks.

Perhaps you've been together too long and have stayed in a rut from when you were teens with minimal money. Or perhaps gift giving just isn't DH love language or natural way depending on his family upbringing.

DD and I have a Present chat on WhatsApp, whenever we see anything during the year we would like we take a photo or put the link into the chat, then when Christmas or birthdays come around it's easy to get a few things off the list, and also builds up a catalogue of the things you like and your style, perhaps the two of you should try that

I think you need an honest conversation. His opinion is that gift lists ruin xmas - yours is that getting random gifts that aren’t to your taste ruins xmas. You really need to talk to each other. You need to tell him how you feel and what needs to change.

I will say though, everyone is different in terms of their likes, dislikes and finances. On the one hand I’m with you on wanting gifts that feel personal and special. My DH is pretty good, but I also give him a list to use either as direct suggestions or just as an idea of the kind of things he wants. But some of what you describe here I would hate - I don’t like flowers and it would drive me mad if I got them regularly.

This is a tough one because honestly I think most men just aren’t thoughtful like that, however there’s inequity in how much effort you are putting in. My best advice just stop … stop making effort that isn’t reciprocated. Or be more prescriptive about what your needs are.

Also, you don’t know if your friend really had a mani/pedi and massage all organised for her or if she’s just saying that and she set it up!

It doesn’t have to be gifts though does it? If you felt appreciated in other ways it probably wouldn’t upset you so much. My dh isn’t a presents person, that’s not his love language but he makes me feel special and appreciated by his acts of loving kindness. He is much more practical than a gift giver.
Time for a conversation with your dh. You feel unappreciated. It’s ok to communicate that to him.

Your friends might have had more of a part in those gifts than they let on. Don't believe everything you see on social media. I totally appreciate how you feel, it is nice to get nice things but I would try to focus on and place much higher value on how he is as a partner- loyal, supportive, kind etc. In my experience among my friend group some of the flashiest gifts can be from men who don't value and respect their partners in the way I would want.

Has he ever done these things ?

Yes, YABU.

Firstly, don't compare with your friends. You have no idea what goes on in their marriages. Even if you did, comparison is the thief of joy.

Secondly, you said
My 30th birthday coincided with the birth of our daughter, he got me a necklace with two love hearts on but it's not my style, he's known me 15 years. I really wanted to love whatever my birthday present was for my 30th, it's a big day. But I don't. He asks why I never wear it and I feel guilty because I just say oh I forget to change my current one (one I wear all the time/sleep in etc). It's like he doesn't know ME at all.

So, I'm reading from that, he tried to get you something nice. He missed the mark, but you aren't willing to tell him that.

You've been together 15 years, and know by now that he isn't as good at guessing what you'd like, as you think he ought to be. You either need to accept that isn't his forte, and put less importance on it, and focus on all the things you love about him or help him. 'Pretending' you like something and haven't put it on because you forgot, is just ridiculous. If presents mean that much to you, then find a way of being really, really clear what you would like.

How do you know that Germany 5 star spa trip isn't because he was caught fucking his secretary? Perspective, man.

This cracked me up 😂
and also may well be true

Could be true, but even the example, never mind the joke, seems in bad taste after today's events.

The truth is, there is no point being jealous of others, because you simply do not know what is going on in their lives.

To expound on this theory; I personally am a pretty woman who owns a house in London, so my life looks great on the surface. In reality, it is almost unliveable because my family were killed in an accident, a la Midsommar.

I would literally live out of a Range Rover for just one of them back.

TL;DR Jealousy is a pointless and misguided emotion.

True. If your partner suddenly ups their game with gifts it's time to be suspicious.

Just buy the gifts you want and put them under the tree for yourself. Say they are from the toddler. After a few years the penny might drop and he might start to understand what you like. Personally I’d be honest about the necklace and explain it’s not your style.

Buy yourself flowers regularly. It probably doesn’t cross his mind but him seeing you enjoy the flowers might act as a prompt

All this stuff about gifts is just background noise. Your real issue is that you don't feel appreciated.

The solution is fairly simple. Pick a relaxed time when it's just the two of you and tell the man how you feel. Don't be accusatory and don't hold other couples up as examples. Explain that sometimes you'd just like an acknowledgment that you do a lot and put a lot of effort into making your family life run smoothly.

Regarding gifts...it sounds like he did put some thought into that birthday necklace but he missed the mark. I've been married 30+ years and my husband still makes the oddest choices when it comes to jewelry for me! Jewelry, like art, evokes a visceral response in some of us and it's hard to get just right.

First of all, comparison really is the thief of joy. That friend who gets a 5 star luxury hotel, for you all know, her husband may have cheated and buys the extravagant gifts out of guilt. I'm not saying that the case, but you really don't know what else other people have going on behind closed doors. I know it may be hard, but you really need to stop comparing your relationship to a snapshot of what you see/hear from others.

As for the gifts, some people are just shit at gifts, others are just lousy. Be honest and tell him the facials are not a good gift as they are bad for your skin. Also could you not compromise on the list , so you each put 1 specific item on the gift list you would like, and then for any other gifts, this is chosen by you/your husband ?

I think you’ve got to treat yourself because you need to look after yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to treat you.

You need to talk to him and tell him what you want. Set expectations

Either divorce your husband or accept that this is what living in the real world is like? I’d like to he whisked off to 5* hotel as well but have other priorities right now. Me and DH aren’t even doing presents for each other this year as we’re prioritising our DD

He doesn't sound awful - the necklace with two hearts was a solid effort even though you didn't like it.

I think you need to be clearer about gifts, as in "I know you think it spoils Christmas but...I think bad gifts spoil Christmas so let me help you out. These are things I would actually like and enjoy. Don't you think I deserve that?"

I know you think your gift was perfect but honestly if someone gave me a "mummy and daughter" list of "adventures" to do and then cross off the list, I wouldn't see that as a generous gift so much as a to do list.

You may have to accept that being "whisked off to a 5 star hotel" is not going to happen. But you can sit him down and plan a family holiday to the destination and hotel you really want to go to. That is what most people settle for if we're talking real life.

Someone else has said it up thread but comparison is absolutely the thief of joy.

My DH is a shocker with gifts. He hates buying them, hates trying to think or second guess what I like. In the 20 years we have been together he’s never once got me a gift I’ve truly loved. But I don’t think that means he can’t make me feel special in other ways.

Does your DH make you feel loved and special without the gifts?

If he does- then you’re going to need to just come to terms with the fact he isn’t going to be like your friends husbands but he loves you and demonstrates it differently.

If he doesn’t then that’s a bigger issue and you need to talk to him.

I know lots of couples who did the big, expensive, public gift thing and their relationships later tanked.

The happiest couples I know do little things for each other every day. Listening to each other talk about their day. Taking turns making dinner. Running an errand for a relative because the other’s too busy. Etc etc.

What does he do for you on a daily/weekly basis to show he cares for your wellbeing? And working doesn’t count. He’d still have a job to earn money if he wasn’t with you.

One friend recently got given a beautiful eternity ring, absolutely stunning, diamonds, sparkly, just really really gorgeous. Another friends birthday, her DH booked them a trip to Germany for Christmas market in a 5 hotel with a massage and mani/pedi booked for her. Another friend gets random bunches of flowers delivered every couple of months from her DH with a note saying he loves/appreciates her*

Did you ever stop and think that these women may have told their husbands that these are things that they really want? Pointed out the style of ring they'd like to get "someday"? Said they'd be over the moon to stay in a luxury hotel?

And hats off to them for letting their partners know what they want! Stop being jealous and start communicating your needs a bit better.