I never feel "special"

[nothingspecialc]

I'm going to sound really materialistic here but I'm really not however I struggle a bit with internal jealously at this time of year and my birthday.

Me and DH are in our early 30s with a toddler. We own a business, I say we, my DH does and I'm a stay at home Mum although planning on DD going to nursery next year and me back to work.

I never feel "special". I never get a random bunch of flowers to show appreciation for all I do for us as a family unit (parenting, keeping our home clean, laundry, food shop etc), a bath run for me etc and I think this then makes me jealous of other bigger things.

One friend recently got given a beautiful eternity ring, absolutely stunning, diamonds, sparkly, just really really gorgeous. Another friends birthday, her DH booked them a trip to Germany for Christmas market in a 5* hotel with a massage and mani/pedi booked for her. Another friend gets random bunches of flowers delivered every couple of months from her DH with a note saying he loves/appreciates her. We are all in the same friendship circle, we are all business owners and I would say we earn pretty much roughly the same give or take a few thousand.

Christmas, I always get cheap face masks that I can't use because my skin is sensitive, I tell him this every year. My 30th birthday coincided with the birth of our daughter, he got me a necklace with two love hearts on but it's not my style, he's known me 15 years. I really wanted to love whatever my birthday present was for my 30th, it's a big day. But I don't. He asks why I never wear it and I feel guilty because I just say oh I forget to change my current one (one I wear all the time/sleep in etc). It's like he doesn't know ME at all.

I've suggested doing lists for Christmas, say write 10 things we'd each like. Pick 3 or 4 of them. I'm not talking Gucci handbags, I'm talking a nice new pair of M&S pjs, my favourite MAC lipstick etc. No, he thinks that ruins Christmas.

This year I've got him/us tickets to see his favourite comedian, a lovely leather coated hip flask, a personalised "Daddy & (DDs name) adventures" sheet where there are things to do then you scratch them off to say completed (things like go to the beach etc), I feel like I put in effort and get nothing back other than cheap face masks and fluffy primark socks (I love primark socks but I buy them for myself, I have so many already).

How do I sort this out? I feel worn down, unappreciated, undervalued and I'm not usually a jealous person but I am recently. I'd love to be whisked off to a 5* hotel for a massage (we are lucky to have parents who love having our DD overnight).

I sound really awful reading this back but it's honestly getting me down.

@nothingspecialc Mum has a saying :''Never trust a gift bearing man''

A man {husband} who does something like this when it's not a birthday or Christmas usually has something to hide, a salve to a guilty conscience because he has been off shagging and needs to appease his guilt.

You have no idea how other families work.

I appear to have been "whisked off" for a 5* trip to Europe for a big birthday recently. In reality, I planned it and booked it all myself.

DH excelled himself with thoughtful gifts for our first Christmas together but has since fallen back on vouchers or asks me what I want and I tell him. Can't remember the last time he sent me flowers! I know he loves me though.

I understand you feel unappreciated but I think you're going to have to have a chat and let him know.

You could try telling him.

It might not help, however. Dh is the same. I know if I told him how I felt I'd end up with some crazy expensive gift that I still don't like but I'd have to appear grateful for it because he really tried. Some people are just shit at choosing gifts

Sorry you're feeling a bit rubbish.

Being a SAHM or on maternity leave is a difficult time. For me, I didn't really know where my place was and missed the validation I previously got through work.

Could you just suggest a weekend away? Does it have to be a surprise?? I've had many friends who posted on SM about the 'surprise' trip their partner has booked for them, when I know it's complete nonsense because they told me when they were planning it.

You are special OP. But you should never rely on others to give you that feeling of self worth. It needs to come from within.

@nothingspecialc You just need to be straight with him and tell him you’re not getting use out of the presents because they are not your style.

Tell him you’re making a list (don’t ask) and he can choose from that. You need to be more upfront.

I feel like I put in effort and get nothing back other than cheap face masks and fluffy primark socks

The thing that strikes me about those presents is just how cheap they are. What's he like with money generally? I wonder if his idea of ruining Christmas is that he might have to spend more than a fiver on you?

I know a woman who got a new kitchen in her house that way...

Comparison is the thief of joy.
all those gifts your friends get sound great but it doesent mean their life or relationship is perfect.

I had an ex who bought me the most lovely and imaginative presents. Unfortunately he was a complete shit the rest of the time. My current partner is rubbish at presents but a brilliant partner and father. Kind and considerate. Sometimes it’s best to appreciate what you do have instead of looking at what you don’t.

I don’t get it …hiya love I’ve cheated on you but here’s a new dishwasher in case you find out 😂 … as if someone’s going to say “well he did buy me a new kitchen”

The only men I know who shower their partners with gifts are because their cheating or abusive most average men in happy comfortable relationships don't do things like this for no reason

Honestly I would rather be in other someone who treats me like well daily than treats me badly and buys apologetic presents

Basically you have different love languages - yours sounds like gifts his may be something else- explain this to him

He doesn't want to do the gift list thing because (a) he gets decent presents anyway and (b) it would cost him money. Give him your list and tell him to shove his shitty socks and face masks up his tight arse.

Haha! Yep, seen this a few times!

Know that your friends who get this special treatment are the exception not the norm. I don’t know anybody who gets random flowers from their DHs or whisked away for a surprise weekend away.

I would also be texting a list as per your suggestion- “these are ten things I’d like for Christmas, pick whichever you like. Please don’t get me something not on the list - I really do not need any more Primark fluffy socks or skin masks I’m allergic to…!”

This, above, all of it.

I know we are all different, so what works for one person wouldn't work for the next. But in my situation (husband who works very hard & earns more than me even though I too work had + no kids) where I have a very close watch on his money and mine, he could buy me the moon on a stick & I'd stick feel deflated knowing how much of his money he had spent on it, knowing that his money and my money has always been seen as "our" money.

This is why gifts from friends and other people are so much more precious to me than anything my husband can buy me - and anyway, if there was anything I wanted, I'd buy it as and when I wanted it. My husband continually works hard to provide for us both, and he loves me. He does all of this every day. It is worth much more than any material things. Maybe you will appreciate this more when you've been together a lot longer and grown up a bit even closer as a married couple. I don't envy people who have to express their "love" to a life partner with "things" in the way you mention your friends do.

That's what I though when I was reading about her friend's diamond "eternity" ring 😆

This is why there are so many divorces & women initiate most.

I agree with previous poster - you don’t know what kind of conversations or money they have to get these u solicited thoughtful gifts.

you will get the same gifts if you don’t very calmly and politely tell him what you do or don’t want.

the gifts you’ve got sound lovely to me as a woman but I don’t know a man who actually cares about the engraved hip flask or scratch off poster - do you know he thinks these things are thoughtful?

There are people who feel appreciated and valued in the way OP would like without it being as a result of one partner cheating.
Some people do have considerate and demonstrative partners and are in genuinely happy relationships.

My OH doesn't always hit the mark with my gifts OP but they are considered. I understand how you feel and I think it's worth you speaking to him about it.

I find the most effective way to get what you want is to go shopping together and point out the things you like/want. Men are often clueless when it comes to gifts so plant the seeds yourself. If you are disappointed by the socks, show it or you will get them every year, because he thinks you like them.

The not feeling appreciated will resonate with most mums. A lot of what we do is invisible and no one gives a shit. Again you have to fight back against it within the terms of your relationship (not by comparing to others).

The flowers and rings are often just showing off on social media. You have no idea what those people are actually like together. But real life isn't really like that, and the couples making the most show are often the ones that split up down the line.

Or he could just be crazily in love with his wife 🤷🏼‍♀️ it’s not unheard of!

I'm a SAHM with my 2 kids for another few weeks. My husband has bought me some really thoughtful gifts this year, but he is like this with everyone! He's very thoughtful in that way.

But what I always say to him is that as much as I appreciate the "big" things, not in the same realm as your friends gifts, but what makes me feel the most appreciated is he tells me what a good job I'm doing/what a good mam I am regularly. Helps with the kids, ie getting up with them even when he's wrecked too, coming home after work and making dinner because I haven't gotten around to it. I'd honestly take those small things over the gifts. I hope your husband shows you he appreciates you in these small ways. I try and do the same with him, telling him regularly how much I appreciate how hard he works for us, what an amazing dad he is. But on the other hand I am probably more like your husband and haven't gotten him great gifts this year 🙈 he's always been better in this way than me! I am planning on something nice that he'll like hopefully for our anniversary in the new year. Focus on the small everyday things, are a much bigger display of where your relationship is.

You need to talk to him. Not hint, talk. Actually sit him down and make all the points you made here. Not in an accusatory way, tell him it's making you feel unloved and unappreciated. That your marriage is important to you and you don't want resentment to fester. I agree he doesn't want to initiate change because it's ticking along great for him and he doesn't realise your feelings about it without being told plainly what they are.