I never feel "special"

[nothingspecialc]

I'm going to sound really materialistic here but I'm really not however I struggle a bit with internal jealously at this time of year and my birthday.

Me and DH are in our early 30s with a toddler. We own a business, I say we, my DH does and I'm a stay at home Mum although planning on DD going to nursery next year and me back to work.

I never feel "special". I never get a random bunch of flowers to show appreciation for all I do for us as a family unit (parenting, keeping our home clean, laundry, food shop etc), a bath run for me etc and I think this then makes me jealous of other bigger things.

One friend recently got given a beautiful eternity ring, absolutely stunning, diamonds, sparkly, just really really gorgeous. Another friends birthday, her DH booked them a trip to Germany for Christmas market in a 5* hotel with a massage and mani/pedi booked for her. Another friend gets random bunches of flowers delivered every couple of months from her DH with a note saying he loves/appreciates her. We are all in the same friendship circle, we are all business owners and I would say we earn pretty much roughly the same give or take a few thousand.

Christmas, I always get cheap face masks that I can't use because my skin is sensitive, I tell him this every year. My 30th birthday coincided with the birth of our daughter, he got me a necklace with two love hearts on but it's not my style, he's known me 15 years. I really wanted to love whatever my birthday present was for my 30th, it's a big day. But I don't. He asks why I never wear it and I feel guilty because I just say oh I forget to change my current one (one I wear all the time/sleep in etc). It's like he doesn't know ME at all.

I've suggested doing lists for Christmas, say write 10 things we'd each like. Pick 3 or 4 of them. I'm not talking Gucci handbags, I'm talking a nice new pair of M&S pjs, my favourite MAC lipstick etc. No, he thinks that ruins Christmas.

This year I've got him/us tickets to see his favourite comedian, a lovely leather coated hip flask, a personalised "Daddy & (DDs name) adventures" sheet where there are things to do then you scratch them off to say completed (things like go to the beach etc), I feel like I put in effort and get nothing back other than cheap face masks and fluffy primark socks (I love primark socks but I buy them for myself, I have so many already).

How do I sort this out? I feel worn down, unappreciated, undervalued and I'm not usually a jealous person but I am recently. I'd love to be whisked off to a 5* hotel for a massage (we are lucky to have parents who love having our DD overnight).

I sound really awful reading this back but it's honestly getting me down.

You’ve turned 30, full time mum at home to a little one. That’s what this is really about- you want to feel seen and you’re not.

But things will change once you’re back at work, kids get older and you get your old self back again.

What does this mean in the meantime- it means this need to have this special gift from your DH is to try and resolve the issues you have above. There’s no gift that he can give that will meet those expectations. He is full time working with his own business, I doubt much time is spent by him thinking about much else. He isn’t going to come up with a fabulous gift idea. So you have to be the one that makes yourself feel special! Arrange for the little one to go to a babysitter, go as a couple and look around jewellery shops and state you would like a ring, or earrings or whatever it is you want. Try things on, ask him his opinion on what he likes on you etc.

I know what the reality is, when you’re stuck at home. Your thoughts can spiral and I’m afraid they have here. You’re placing so much importance on a gift, and assessing your worth off the back of it. Don’t do this.

You have to be more proactive with gift ideas for yourself and learn your value as a wife, mother and woman isn’t tied to the presents you get.

I know a woman who’s DH spent thousands on her birthdays etc. Yip! He was shagging someone behind her back for years. It really doesn’t count for much.

Of course, it's why I followed that sentence with "I'm not saying that's the case" . It was just an example.

Recommend learning about the various love languages we all have. Sounds like yours and your DH are simply different.

Comparing your relationship to others is never a good idea, no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I had a friend who's partner used to buy her red roses and book romantic breaks to Paris etc - he was also jealous and controlling and always threatening to break up with her. I wouldn't have wanted her relationship in a million years!

My DH is not good with gift giving, doesn't buy flowers or make grand gestures. But he brings me a cup of tea in bed, makes me a hot water bottle if I've got back ache and has worked hard to support our family for the last 35 years. People show their love in different ways.

What are your partner's good points? Is he a hard worker, a good parent, willing to muck in and do what needs to be done when you're ill or baby is? Sometimes it's good to remind yourself to be grateful for what you have.

If you want to, have a conversation with him about how you're feeling - being a stay at home parent can feel like a thankless task at times. Tell him you'd like him to do little things to make you feel special. Ask him what he'd like you to do to show your appreciation for all that he does too.

Just tell him that you're really happy to do what he wants and choose a surprise for him, but what YOU want is to give him a list to pick from.
As for your friends, you never know what goes on behind closed doors, so don't bother yourself by comparing.
I know my H has bought me a really expensive ring this Christmas.
Family will ooh and aah over it, I expect.
They don't know what he's done this year and that I'm in pieces as a result.
I'll take it because if it's what I think, I'll like it. Full stop.
But in terms of sentiment, it means fuck all to me. No gift, however big a diamond it is, will make up for how I feel.
It's very easy to throw money at something if you can afford it.
Harder to mend your spouse's emotional and mental health.
So if your H is a trustworthy bloke who makes you feel safe and otherwise pays attention to your needs, that's the biggest gift in a marriage.

This. My first husband appeared perfect to the outside world. Every couple of weeks a florists van would turn up at the house with a delivery of a big bouquet. He sent flowers when he'd had sex with someone else. He felt it excused it. We couldn't afford big bunches of flowers because of all his credit card debts from other stupid spending. So not only did I have the joy of knowing he'd fucked someone else I also had the joy of knowing we had yet another pointless spend to add to all the others.

Hear, hear.

I hope you're ok ❤️

My grandmother was insanely jealous of Mrs Pigott next door. She had a new kitchen . Her husband was shagging his receptionist. My grandad was a coal miner . He didn't have the money for a new kitchen but he loved the very bones of my granny.

Write him a Xmas list and ask him to choose,he might not want to do that which is fine but make it clear YOU do.

I agree about showy gifts papering the cracks.

I think he needs to up his game. Have you told him about the effort your friend’s partners make?

It’s not the same to “make yourself feel special”. Yes, you need to treat yourself well, but he should make an effort to show you he loves and appreciates you, even if it’s in small ways. It only takes a minute to check in the bathroom for the skincare brands you use as a basis for buying a present.

She got the new kitchen after she found out he had cheated. It doesn't make any sense for him to have done it before she found out.

My dh isn't good with presents at all. It's because he isn't really interested in them for himself I think so he doesn't think about them as important. I got absolutely nothing for my 30th 'because he didn't have time because we had just had a baby'. It wouldn't have occurred to him to think about my birthday before the baby was born.

He is however a completely wonderful husband in all other areas. So I have to manage the expectation.

He knows now he has to ask me what I want to do for my birthday. And if I said that I wanted to go to a German Christmas market then he would book that. But there is no way he would just think of it.

And I write a list like a child for present ideas.

If he was a shit husband all of this would be an issue but he isn't. He's totally great and this is his downfall.

My first thought and Mr Flowers.

If it makes you feel any better - all my friends buy their own Christmas gifts, wrap them and put them under the tree. None of them are surprised with holidays etc. Dh used to buy me gifts (and flowers) but they were never the thing I wanted and he did try hard but always just missed the mark - so we decided not to bother with gifts. Dh does little things that make my heart sing, no grand gestures - but if your love language is gifts and stuff that you can tell your friends about, is it possible you don't see the little things as meaningful? I think you need to have a chat about what makes you feel special.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Write a list of all the lovely things you like about him and all the positive things he does for your family.

How is he otherwise? Does he say thank you/shows appreciation for what you do? Does he value your opinion/input? Does he nice little things just because, buys a certain food/drink just because you like it, show care and concern when you're poorly etc.?

If yes, the present thing can be sorted. Even if he doesn't like lists you still can give him 2/3 things you really want he picks some/all and then "surprises".

If not, your relationship has a lot more issues than crappy gifts.

It sounds like your husband takes you for granted. I wouldn't get too jealous of your friends as you have no idea what's going on behind closed doors.

Does your husband do things for you that you don't appreciate? Some people show their feelings in more practical ways.

If there's nothing then couple's counselling might be an idea. Regarding the presents you'll have to have an honest conversation with him and either don't exchange gifts, do activities (gig, hotel, meal etc) or make it clear what you want. This is something to explore in therapy but I'd take the gifts back and get something I want.

Talk to him again. It’s not Christmas yet, say I have been thinking and I really want to do the lists. You know how you said it would ruin Christmas? You put about 10 seconds effort into my Christmas present and birthday presents every year and that ruins it a bit for me. So let’s do a list, your Christmas can be ruined, and I will get something I like for a change. I’ve given up hoping you put some effort into thinking about what I like and I increasingly resent how hard I try to find you presents you’d like. You only think a list would ruin Christmas as you’ve had the enormous privilege of a partner who cares about you, I don’t seem to have that same privilege so a list would make my Christmas much better. Now you can say no, but I’m exchanging everything I’ve bought you for fluffy dice if you do, to match your gift buying energy.

Absolutely not true. My dh went out with his male friends for their Christmas get together and later in the evening sent me a picture of the kids stocking hanging in the fireplace. The pic had an x drawn on it and his message was x marks the spot. When I looked inside the stocking he had hidden a bottle of perfume for me. That's just the sort of man he is. Amazing. Some men are.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I agree with all of you in one way or another. I hope my friend is sleeping with his secretary as that's his fiancée 😂 made me laugh.

I guess DH has some kind of superpower as I was surprised with a beautiful engraved photo frame with my fave picture of DD & I in, a spa day with a massage and overnight stay for us both (he'd arranged for our DD to stay with grandparents for the night), my favourite perfume and a lovely scarf and bobble hat from M&S. I was honestly in shock.

Your posts did make me think a lot, he shows me he loves me in so many other ways and is a great father. He's affectionate, funny, kind, works hard, helpful around the house and we love each other very much, it made me realise that I probably don't appreciate his good qualities enough and that is something that I will for sure be doing more of.

I was pleasantly surprised by being "spoilt" this year but I honestly had a moment of seeing him and DD laughing at her play shop we bought her for Christmas where she was pretending to feed him a wooden egg and it melted my heart. I need to stop comparing material objects and start appreciating that we have each other, a healthy DD, a warm home and food on our table, we are luckier than most.

I hope all of you had a lovely Christmas x