To think they should tell us where the will is

[InformEducateEntertain]

My DM passed a couple of years ago. Sorting out the death admin was a lot of work but it was helped by fact that she had told us where her will was, who the executors were and who benefited.

In contrast my PIL's who are still alive but very elderly and frail are refusing to tell DH the location and details of the will.

AIBU to think that this is selfish as it's going to make it harder to organise things in the future.

The death of a parent (or parents) is hard no matter what. I think it's weird that your DH is asking them where their will is tbh.

Where it is and possibly executors is useful to know. Details and who benefits are unnecessary.

Are you expecting them to die at the same time? Presumably they know where the Wills are, so remaining parent can access it. Is he Executor? Do you know who their family Solicitor is?

It is so it can be found easily

Maybe the executors already know where their wills are?

This is it. We think DH is probably an executor because he is a man and in a proper job and his siblings aren't (this is how they think).

In many ways it is an unimportant thing but just feels easier if they would tell him and strange that they don't. I find it really weird that they never talk about practicalities like this. The opposite of my family.

@InformEducateEntertain Personally I think it's more bizarre that your DH has not only asked them about this, but also won't respect the fact that they obviously don't wish him to know this information at present.

Why make things harder for your children who have to sort everything out when you die? DH and I have done our POAs and Wills. Written down the bank account sort code and acc numbers, life insurance information and deeds of the house. All in a box file. Documents all scanned and sent to the dc electronically as well. Pension info also in the box and tax return info too. I am currently giving them bits and pieces of jewellery and a few things that might be worth keeping so they know what not to chuck in a skip. I want them to be able to deal with it all with as little stress as possible. I will have a think about a funeral.plan too at some point.

Yes, they are weird. I had a copy of mums will and POA in her mid 60's.

There's a lot of admin in death and she wants us to have as little hassle as possible.

Find out who the solicitors are.

They should say which solicitor it is lodged with.
The solicitor will be bound not to release any details until after death.

No it isn't?! It's a very practical and sensible question.
A relative of my DH's didn't make one. It was total nightmare and took 3 years to sort out. So irresponsible not to be upfront about your affairs.
Saying where it is lodged doesn't mean opening it up for all to see

I'd only ask who the executors are, asking for your dh, any recommendations to do your wills.

Our kids know where our wills are, and our elderly, widowed mothers have told us where all their papers are. It's normal and sensible in our families.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP.

Before my dad died, he made sure we knew where everything of importance was to be found. Admittedly, he had been diagnosed with what was bound to become a terminal illness, so knew that time was limited, but even at this worst possible time for him, he did all he could to make things as easy as possible for the rest of us when the inevitable happened .
That included setting up powers of attorney on my mum's behalf so that my brother and I would be able to deal with any tricky financial things on her behalf once he was gone.

Losing a much-loved parent is awful, and very sad, but my dad's thoughtful actions at least alleviated some of the additional stresses.

My parents tell me every time they get on a plane where the key is to the place they've left all their info and passwords!

I think it's weird as well. I have a copy of my mum's will and know which solicitors have the original.

DH is executor for SIL and she has told him where all the paperwork is.

We are not expecting any of them to die soon, but its useful to know.

My DM was like that.

I just find it so odd that IL's aren't.

DH suggested they get health POA but they refused to discuss because it was 'personal'.

Why is it bizarre to ask where a Will is? He can hardly ask them after the event, can he?

He's not asking about what is in the Will, and he won't have access to it unless and until he is confirmed as the Executor. If he's not the Executor, he won't get to see it until after the Executors have been granted Probate - but since he doesn't even know who the Executors are, how can he contact them when the time comes to report the death? How can he even know whether or not he is the Executor?

Ok well I think it is?!

I have recently dealt with the death of an unmarried, intestate parent so I know exactly how hard it is. I still wouldn't presume to ask the details of someone's will, ever. OP's husband is presupposing that it will have anything to do with him, either as an executor or beneficiary or both.

He should know where it is and who the executors are. I know exactly where my parents will is, no idea what’s in it and that’s fine but I do need to know how to find it

But asking where the will is stored isn't asking for details - it's simply asking where it is to be found when the inevitable happens. If it can't be found, the deceased might be presumed not to have one, and any wishes they might have had will not be carried out.

Out of interest, do you know for certain that the person whose affairs you dealt with died intestate, or were you simply unable to locate a will?

That would make me suspicious that there was something contentious in their wills that they didn’t want known when they were still alive. For example, their children have not been all treated equally as beneficiaries.
My father wrote me out of his will without telling me, apparently because I didn’t have children but my siblings did.

So how did you know that your parent was intestate if you'd never asked the question of whether they had made a will or not ?

Imagine if you had treated the estate as intestate and a will that you had been completely unaware of had turned up at a later date....

Agree that there is no reason to know the contents, but to clarify beforehand if there is one, and if so where it is and who the executors are is only sensible.

You assume he is because of sexism?

That is bizarre, if he was they would have talked to you... they don't want to talk to you so your assumptions are wildly unfounded and probably wrong.

They might not have wills, they might have left another family member in charge who is more knowledgeable and experienced (the same person in my family has been everyone executor including for their friends, they are an expert after doing it 13 time in the past) might have left everything to charity, might have disinherited your DH (since hes a man with a proper job and his siblings might need it more in their opinion) or most likely the spouse is the beneficiary who will handle it not your DH.

You haven't been told because you don't need to know.