AIBU/AITA

[GingerMama1]

My mum (55, f) has called social services on us (25 f, 28 M) multiple times, the first time we didn’t meet the threshold for social services and got a different kind of social worker.
Our first worker was with us for just over a year doing weekly visits, giving us support for our mental health, the bond with our eldest (20 months) and a lot of other things. She basically did everything she could before leaving us. The only issue she had was that we lived with my mum after we had to move out of our flat due to the living conditions (mould and anti social behaviour) the support worker left in August, about 3 days after we had our second baby (4 months)

Now this is where it gets interesting, stay with me.

After our second was born my mum REFUSED to hold her, look at her or touch her at all. Fine whatever, I’m not gonna cry about it. About a month later my mum complained to me about the fact we had not offered for her to hold her or anything, yet with our first she was all over her.

After our second was born my mum became extremely hostile towards my partner (she’d always been hostile towards me since my childhood to the point I thought abuse was normal)

My mum decided to call social services multiple times claiming things such as

• we don’t feed our kids
• our eldest sleeps too much
• we leave our kids in wet nappies
• we don’t bathe out kids

and lots more but we would be here all day if I was going list them, basically she lied.

So her lying now got us the world’s worst social worker. It’s been about 2/3 weeks that we have had her and I can’t stand her. Just remember that the social worker is for the kids wellbeing, this is extremely important.

My mum has been in constant contact with the social worker and Jesus the lies and unnecessary information is just baffling.
I’m gonna do another list of a few things she’s sent to the social worker

• Full bins (she leaves me and my partner to empty them and has since March when we moved in)
• Washed pots which are left draining overnight
• The dishwasher which she also doesn’t help to empty
• A bag of clothes that don’t fit my eldest which are all currently stored in her bedroom

Once again there’s more but that’s all I can be bothered to mention. I attempted to do the same back but didn’t get any messages back regarding it.

We had 2 meetings and my mum was in attendance at the last one (happened on Thursday) there was 6 people at the meeting. Me, my partner, my mum, the social worker, my health visitor and our infant mental health practitioner (she’s super supportive and knows my mum is lying about everything)

The social worker arrived early. My eldest just went up for a nap and we are weaning her off her dummy, obviously she’s going to cry. The social worker immediately banged on our bedroom door and asked why she was crying in bed and I attempted to explain the situation and the social worker basically forced me to get her out of bed and take her downstairs so that she wasn’t in bed. I was extremely annoyed. My eldest was overtired and was a nightmare but I wasn’t allowed to take her to bed because she would cry… like a toddler would. Both our kids were also at the meeting because obvious reasons.

The meeting starts. My partner brings up the stuff my mum doesn’t help with and immediately the social worker admits that she’s deleted my messages. She then dismisses my partners comments because it’s not about the kids. Either way I’m pretty baffled, why are my messages about the same petty things getting deleted with the excuse of it’s irrelevant but my mum gets to talk about it, it’s bizarre. The meeting carries on, my mum gets to talk immediately goes on about housework, you know absolutely nothing to do with the kids but yet the social worker let her carry on. I was like what the hell.

We keep going with concerns and my partner brings up that my mum let out eldest eat something off the floor and she then vomited all over which resulted in my eldest in an and e. A day later my mum sat her on the kitchen counter bang next to the knife block and looked away, she grabbed a knife and was playing with it for a solid couple of seconds. My mum claims it didn’t happen and the social worker once again dismissed our comments.
We got to my mum, she lied to them saying we leave them in soiled nappies and we don’t feed them enough.

We get to the end of the meeting and the social worker basically dismissed everything we said and took my mums side.

I filed a complaint against our social worker because she’s just useless and makes us feel terrible.

Other things my mum has done (not everything)

• Installed a spy cam, we don’t know where
• Told her friend how she would like to hit my partner
• Physically and emotionally abused me
• Kicked me and my partner out with our youngest when she was 1 week old, she had to sleep on a cold hard floor for a night because there were no cots available

I think I’ve got everything written down

We’re moving out hopefully jan/feb time, would I be TA if I cut my mum off completely?

AIBU for reporting the social worker?

Living there makes no sense.

It’s the safest place for the kids as our flat is mouldy and we can’t go anywhere else

You should move out as fast as possible, it is not working for any of you.
Your partner is not expecting your mother to provide extra help on top of housing you, is he?

Perhaps your partner can pick up extra hours to be able to afford to leave sooner?

The first SW had an issue with you living with your mum. Then you had another child. Why did you have another child instead of working on your living situation?

I suspect things have always been chaotic, hence the SW, but your mum has become more chaotic.

Work as hard as you can on finding safe, affordable housing for you and your family.

Neither child was planned

We just want her to help as we are doing 3 adults housework rather than 2. It does pile up and obviously needs doing more frequently

If you can't raise your children independently of her or social workers use more contraception

Social services are overwhelmed enough with having to play referee to a bunch of people who sound less mature than the children they are dealing with

I just hope these poor children do not become another group needing foster care

Of course you are being unreasonable you chose to have the children in the first place

Absolutely agree with everything you have said here. No sympathy from me either.

Absolute insanity that you would move in with someone you claim is abusive and then continue to have more children.

The thing is, what you've said about your eldest vomiting after eating things off the floor (what did they eat?) and playing with knives is very concerning. You say she was in your mum's care but you have chosen to live with your mum and leave your eldest in her care despite saying she's abusive and clearly isn't capable of looking after her from what you have said. So that is concerning in itself. The social worker to look out for the kids and it sounds like they need it. The tit for tat between you, your partner and your mum about who did what is neither here nor there. Clearly you need to move out. Why is your flat still inhabitable?

Also, I don't understand why you are complaining to the social worker about your mum not doing the housework (you say you 'attempted to do the same back when your mum complained about you not emptying the bins!) Your mum isn't responsible for your children's living environment, you are. Why would the social worker care how much housework your mum does? It's totally irrelevant.

You need to move out ASAP - this is not a healthy environment for you, your Mum or the children

Once you have moved out see how things are before making any decisions about cutting your Mum off

Look, your children are the top priority here. You know this. So do everything you can to move out as soon as possible, and in the meantime suck it up and do the housework so that your kids have a clean safe environment to live in. Stop squabbling with your mum, be the bigger person for the sake of your kids and get on with looking after them.

This sounds so dysfunctional. Poor kids.

Ah yes because contraception never fails.

OP is there anyway you can leave now? Stay with family, rent an Airbnb, are you renting privately or council? This is a toxic toxic environment for you and your kids and you need to leave ASAP.

Zero sympathy here for
you or your partner. You don’t mention either of you working. Get you acts together and get a job!

people don’t have social workers for over two years if they are providing a stable upbringing and are good parents. It doesn’t sounds like any of the three of you are fit to be looking after kids.

you are putting a lot of blame on your Mum. Hear me loud and clear; this. Is. On. You. You say she is being a nightmare and get she is letting a family of four live with her. If you are unhappy take some responsibility (actually all of the responsibility with your partner) and get out.

As a woman who has been having sex since 18 and has never been on the pill and got pregnant within 2 months of trying, each time I tried to get pregnant, I don‘t buy this. My whole life I have used condoms and on the two occasions there was doubt about the condoms I used the morning after pill…. Probably unnecessarily but because there was a little doubt, I went to the pharmacy to get one. One time was in France, as a 19 yr old, so quite out of my comfort zone. So I really think, it‘s actually pretty easy not to get pregnant in this day and age.

You’re failing your children by inadequately housing them.

Why are you choosing to have them live with a woman who you describe abusive?

You and your boyfriend need to stand on your own two feet. And stop having more children until you’re able to do so.

Your partner has no right to complain about your mums lack of help when she is providing a home for your children when neither of you are.

He should be thankful to her, not complaining that she doesnt do enough of your housework.

There is no excuse for 2 unplanned pregnancies these days.

Honestly you had 3 professionals refereeing you bickering with your mum about housework, unbelievable!

Find yourselves somewhere else to live and take responsibility for caring for your own children.

Our first worker was with us for just over a year doing weekly visits, giving us support for our mental health, the bond with our eldest (20 months) and a lot of other things.

This sounds like a lot of support, I can't imagine social workers have enough time in their diaries to be doing weekly visits unless things are quite serious. I wonder if you fully realise how bad things are.

You're expecting/hoping your mother will change. She won't , you need to accept who she is and move away from her. Can you not get a council house?

Try to work with ss, if you really clash with your worker, request a new one.

A) this isn't Reddit, no need for '25F, 28M' or 'AITA'
B) one doesn't have a year of social services involvement for no reason
C)There must be a reason for tour mother's dislike of your 'partner', stop having children until you can live somewhere else and you and your Mum can stop behaving like petulant toddlers.

Your focus is on the wrong areas, which is why social services will have significant concerns. If your mum doesn't wash up after herself, she's an adult, so that has nothing to do with children's social services. If you don't keep your children in a hygienic environment then that is an issue; and emptying bins for 5 is no more work than for 4 so no, your mum isn't the problem there. Children do not need to be shut in rooms crying themselves to sleep, and you must understand how the crying would be an issue for everyone. If your mum is not good at caring for the children, stop leaving them with her. Your job as a parent is to ensure your children are safe, fed, watered, clean, played with and loved. Do you love them?

Step 1 - get to a GP and get failsafe contraception, you are struggling with 2 babies so don't get a third.
Step 2 - at least one of you or the boyfriend needs to get a job so you can rent a flat. Get to the job centre and ask for help, they will find something.
Step 3 - move out, and one of you spend 30 minutes each day to make sure you keep the new place clean. Consider taking turns so you get a day off.
Step 4 - ask the health visitor for parenting classes so that you can learn how to look after the children. Above all, it matters that you start playing with them, showing them love, and caring about their welfare more than being right.

One unplanned pregnancy, ok. Two, I don’t buy this. You’re clearly unfit to have kids and I’m not surprised your mum is resentful. Sorry OP, I have no sympathy with your self inflicted situation.