AIBU/AITA

[GingerMama1]

My mum (55, f) has called social services on us (25 f, 28 M) multiple times, the first time we didn’t meet the threshold for social services and got a different kind of social worker.
Our first worker was with us for just over a year doing weekly visits, giving us support for our mental health, the bond with our eldest (20 months) and a lot of other things. She basically did everything she could before leaving us. The only issue she had was that we lived with my mum after we had to move out of our flat due to the living conditions (mould and anti social behaviour) the support worker left in August, about 3 days after we had our second baby (4 months)

Now this is where it gets interesting, stay with me.

After our second was born my mum REFUSED to hold her, look at her or touch her at all. Fine whatever, I’m not gonna cry about it. About a month later my mum complained to me about the fact we had not offered for her to hold her or anything, yet with our first she was all over her.

After our second was born my mum became extremely hostile towards my partner (she’d always been hostile towards me since my childhood to the point I thought abuse was normal)

My mum decided to call social services multiple times claiming things such as

• we don’t feed our kids
• our eldest sleeps too much
• we leave our kids in wet nappies
• we don’t bathe out kids

and lots more but we would be here all day if I was going list them, basically she lied.

So her lying now got us the world’s worst social worker. It’s been about 2/3 weeks that we have had her and I can’t stand her. Just remember that the social worker is for the kids wellbeing, this is extremely important.

My mum has been in constant contact with the social worker and Jesus the lies and unnecessary information is just baffling.
I’m gonna do another list of a few things she’s sent to the social worker

• Full bins (she leaves me and my partner to empty them and has since March when we moved in)
• Washed pots which are left draining overnight
• The dishwasher which she also doesn’t help to empty
• A bag of clothes that don’t fit my eldest which are all currently stored in her bedroom

Once again there’s more but that’s all I can be bothered to mention. I attempted to do the same back but didn’t get any messages back regarding it.

We had 2 meetings and my mum was in attendance at the last one (happened on Thursday) there was 6 people at the meeting. Me, my partner, my mum, the social worker, my health visitor and our infant mental health practitioner (she’s super supportive and knows my mum is lying about everything)

The social worker arrived early. My eldest just went up for a nap and we are weaning her off her dummy, obviously she’s going to cry. The social worker immediately banged on our bedroom door and asked why she was crying in bed and I attempted to explain the situation and the social worker basically forced me to get her out of bed and take her downstairs so that she wasn’t in bed. I was extremely annoyed. My eldest was overtired and was a nightmare but I wasn’t allowed to take her to bed because she would cry… like a toddler would. Both our kids were also at the meeting because obvious reasons.

The meeting starts. My partner brings up the stuff my mum doesn’t help with and immediately the social worker admits that she’s deleted my messages. She then dismisses my partners comments because it’s not about the kids. Either way I’m pretty baffled, why are my messages about the same petty things getting deleted with the excuse of it’s irrelevant but my mum gets to talk about it, it’s bizarre. The meeting carries on, my mum gets to talk immediately goes on about housework, you know absolutely nothing to do with the kids but yet the social worker let her carry on. I was like what the hell.

We keep going with concerns and my partner brings up that my mum let out eldest eat something off the floor and she then vomited all over which resulted in my eldest in an and e. A day later my mum sat her on the kitchen counter bang next to the knife block and looked away, she grabbed a knife and was playing with it for a solid couple of seconds. My mum claims it didn’t happen and the social worker once again dismissed our comments.
We got to my mum, she lied to them saying we leave them in soiled nappies and we don’t feed them enough.

We get to the end of the meeting and the social worker basically dismissed everything we said and took my mums side.

I filed a complaint against our social worker because she’s just useless and makes us feel terrible.

Other things my mum has done (not everything)

• Installed a spy cam, we don’t know where
• Told her friend how she would like to hit my partner
• Physically and emotionally abused me
• Kicked me and my partner out with our youngest when she was 1 week old, she had to sleep on a cold hard floor for a night because there were no cots available

I think I’ve got everything written down

We’re moving out hopefully jan/feb time, would I be TA if I cut my mum off completely?

AIBU for reporting the social worker?

Mental health, I was at one of my lowest points

I have, they said they would come out multiple times and never did

You should be doing more as you have two kids living there too ?

With all due respect to the OP do they sound in a position to swan off to an Airbnb?

You need to go nuclear with the council.

Chief executive
Ombudsman
Media (local news programmes love reporting on this sort of thing).

I CBA to comment on all the other issues but you need to read this @GingerMama1

We do 99% we just want her to tidy up after herself but she leaves it for us

I’ve rang, emailed, been to the building but they just keep telling me they’ll send someone, they never do. It’s a constant circle and I can’t stand it. We ended up filing the forms to give up the flat due to all the issues, the youths outside were throwing things through the windows and almost hit out eldest with a full can of pop. We’re just waiting til January now to move, our mental health worker has said that when we move our lives will be fine, she’s been working with us and supporting us a long time and has been amazing with us. She’s ready for us to be fully discharged as soon as she does one last home visit when we move just incase we need support! She doesn’t understand why social services are involved as when my mum was abusing me when I was pregnant they didn’t care, it’s baffling

How is helping you bond with your 20 month old, 'not child related'????

I honestly can't understand why you are living with someone who you say abused you when you were pregnant. You r also enabling your children to be around this abuser. It's v strange.

I also think its weird you r using your mum to house you and your family. But as soon as you can find better accomodation you plan to go 'no contact'. Your poor mum being used like that.

Maybe you or your partner could get a job and rent privately like most people have to.

Can you live with your partners family?

Well exactly.

OP you're hugely in denial and every one of you involved are failing these children. It's your and your partners responsibility. Sort your shit out or your kids will be taken off you.

It sort of comes across that that's what you want, as you're not doing anything about the issues or taking a single bit of accountability.

Do either of you work? I can see you haven't answered that and many people have asked.

My partner works, he’s on pat leave til feb. I can’t due to health issues.
We do EVERYTHING for our kids, make sure they have clothes, toys, food. They get changed out of nappies and the have a balanced diet. They have a clean home, we take them out. I don’t understand how I’m indenial with my kids being safe and looked after.

How can he be on Paternity leave so long, when you clearly woukd benefit from more income to move out. You need to get out if your dm hone, the environment is clearly toxic.

You're in denial as you're allegedly leaving your kids and bringing up your kids around a woman who abused you?

If this woman abused you, why on EARTH would you even think about letting your kids near her? Let alone looking after them.

You're also in denial about SS involvement. They would not be this heavily involved due to some mental health problems or the mess your mum has left.
They are this involved because the children are being failed. If you don't change things, they will take them off of you. It's all well and good saying you do 'everything for your kids.' But something is obviously amiss here, and you need to figure out what that is before it's too late.

OP you need to move. It's as simple as that. If your mum abused you why on earth would you let her near your children?? SS clearly see you are struggling and you meet a threshold for intervention hence the regular visits. Why aren't you asking them to support you in a move to suitable accommodation? Id rather live in a mouldy flat than with someone abusive. Yes, constant cleaning and perhaps get a dehumidifier but preferable to living in your current circumstances.

Your baby was born in August. OK, he may have delayed paternity leave. But paternity leave is a maximum of two weeks. It can't be shared parental leave because you don't work. What employer provides several weeks of paternity leave?

I completely agree with this.

Getting your own home should be priority.

As is getting as much support as you need to build a safe and comfortable family environment for the DC.

OP, you have had two unplanned children in a very chaotic situation and were under the supervision of a social worker for a whole year. All four of you are now living with your mother with whom you have an extremely difficult and fractured relationship.

The social worker isn't the problem. You, your partner and your mother are. The situation is beyond dysfunctional.

Your mother is not obliged to do housework or keep your children safe because she isn't the parent of the children. You are. You are responsible for keeping your children's environment clean and safe, not your mother, so your partner slagging her off to the social worker for not taking the bins out is a waste of time.

You can't expect a social worker to be fine with you leaving a screaming 20-month old in her room on her own without being attended to or comforted for the duration of a visit. Apart from the fact that weaning a child off a dummy doesn't mean just leaving them in their room crying incessantly, the social worker needs to see the children and how you interact with them to make sure they're OK. The social worker has done nothing wrong.

Do you pay your Mum rent/contribute to utilities, OP? If not, then doing most of the housework in lieu of this seems reasonable. (It's the only reasonable thing in this entire sorry situation, mind.)

AVIVA, they believe in equality

The mould is so bad it would kill me, we can’t clear it. The social can’t move us anywhere due to the flat plus we’re moving in jan to our own house. We had to go to the safest place for the sake of our kids which unfortunately is my mums house. She doesn’t abuse the kids otherwise we would have gone a long time ago. Everything we do is for our kids

Right but you're out of there in a month's time. Can you move out to a hotel in the mean time?