AIBU/AITA

[GingerMama1]

My mum (55, f) has called social services on us (25 f, 28 M) multiple times, the first time we didn’t meet the threshold for social services and got a different kind of social worker.
Our first worker was with us for just over a year doing weekly visits, giving us support for our mental health, the bond with our eldest (20 months) and a lot of other things. She basically did everything she could before leaving us. The only issue she had was that we lived with my mum after we had to move out of our flat due to the living conditions (mould and anti social behaviour) the support worker left in August, about 3 days after we had our second baby (4 months)

Now this is where it gets interesting, stay with me.

After our second was born my mum REFUSED to hold her, look at her or touch her at all. Fine whatever, I’m not gonna cry about it. About a month later my mum complained to me about the fact we had not offered for her to hold her or anything, yet with our first she was all over her.

After our second was born my mum became extremely hostile towards my partner (she’d always been hostile towards me since my childhood to the point I thought abuse was normal)

My mum decided to call social services multiple times claiming things such as

• we don’t feed our kids
• our eldest sleeps too much
• we leave our kids in wet nappies
• we don’t bathe out kids

and lots more but we would be here all day if I was going list them, basically she lied.

So her lying now got us the world’s worst social worker. It’s been about 2/3 weeks that we have had her and I can’t stand her. Just remember that the social worker is for the kids wellbeing, this is extremely important.

My mum has been in constant contact with the social worker and Jesus the lies and unnecessary information is just baffling.
I’m gonna do another list of a few things she’s sent to the social worker

• Full bins (she leaves me and my partner to empty them and has since March when we moved in)
• Washed pots which are left draining overnight
• The dishwasher which she also doesn’t help to empty
• A bag of clothes that don’t fit my eldest which are all currently stored in her bedroom

Once again there’s more but that’s all I can be bothered to mention. I attempted to do the same back but didn’t get any messages back regarding it.

We had 2 meetings and my mum was in attendance at the last one (happened on Thursday) there was 6 people at the meeting. Me, my partner, my mum, the social worker, my health visitor and our infant mental health practitioner (she’s super supportive and knows my mum is lying about everything)

The social worker arrived early. My eldest just went up for a nap and we are weaning her off her dummy, obviously she’s going to cry. The social worker immediately banged on our bedroom door and asked why she was crying in bed and I attempted to explain the situation and the social worker basically forced me to get her out of bed and take her downstairs so that she wasn’t in bed. I was extremely annoyed. My eldest was overtired and was a nightmare but I wasn’t allowed to take her to bed because she would cry… like a toddler would. Both our kids were also at the meeting because obvious reasons.

The meeting starts. My partner brings up the stuff my mum doesn’t help with and immediately the social worker admits that she’s deleted my messages. She then dismisses my partners comments because it’s not about the kids. Either way I’m pretty baffled, why are my messages about the same petty things getting deleted with the excuse of it’s irrelevant but my mum gets to talk about it, it’s bizarre. The meeting carries on, my mum gets to talk immediately goes on about housework, you know absolutely nothing to do with the kids but yet the social worker let her carry on. I was like what the hell.

We keep going with concerns and my partner brings up that my mum let out eldest eat something off the floor and she then vomited all over which resulted in my eldest in an and e. A day later my mum sat her on the kitchen counter bang next to the knife block and looked away, she grabbed a knife and was playing with it for a solid couple of seconds. My mum claims it didn’t happen and the social worker once again dismissed our comments.
We got to my mum, she lied to them saying we leave them in soiled nappies and we don’t feed them enough.

We get to the end of the meeting and the social worker basically dismissed everything we said and took my mums side.

I filed a complaint against our social worker because she’s just useless and makes us feel terrible.

Other things my mum has done (not everything)

• Installed a spy cam, we don’t know where
• Told her friend how she would like to hit my partner
• Physically and emotionally abused me
• Kicked me and my partner out with our youngest when she was 1 week old, she had to sleep on a cold hard floor for a night because there were no cots available

I think I’ve got everything written down

We’re moving out hopefully jan/feb time, would I be TA if I cut my mum off completely?

AIBU for reporting the social worker?

Last week, we saw many posts and questions as to why SS didn't protect Sara Sharif, and this is exactly why! This is where time is spent, dealing with people like you who are draining the system. Expecting professionals to sort out family squabbles.

As a PP said, SS are not involved for a year for no reason, sounds like both of your children are on the at risk register. The SW isn't being difficult or siding with anyone, she's assessing whether you possess the basic parenting capacity to keep you children safe. Next steps will be court, go ahead and make a complaint, it will only help the case to remove your poor child from this dysfunction.

Is it mould caused by poor ventilation or actual structural issues?

I think you're probably blind to how bad things are as well. A year of social work visits is a Bad Sign. Sounds like you had a manipulative and hostile mother and she doesn't agree with your life choices so this is how she shows it which contributes to a toxic environment for the kids.

I’ll be honest it sounds chaotic and neither you/your partner or mother sound great. I would imagine the focus is on you and partner’s ability to keep an organised and clean home and not your mothers since you are the children’s parents. As you are living in her home you should be absolutely doing everything. I would think at this point you’d be better being homeless and getting emergency accommodation then expedited on housing list. It does sound like you may need support from SW so don’t be quick to dismiss them. You’ll do far better listening to what they ask of you and complying or asking for support to achieve than complaining about them. I would think the SW as a professional in child welfare will be regarded as a better witness to provide a truthful account by authorities as she has no reason to act in any way other than the child’s best interest.

Have you heard of contraception?

Have you heard of it not being 100%

Structure, the council refuse to sort it out and because of my health issues I’d be dead if we go back to living there

Have you got an actual survey which states this, because they have to sort out actual issues?

If your mums claims were unfounded, social services would have dropped it. The fact they’ve been involved twice says they had serious concerns about your parenting and your kids circumstances. Cooperate with them. Move out of your mums. You sound very childish, how old are you?

Twice, 16 months apart? What are you doing, the pull out "method" or taking the pill when you remember?

Your mother reports you to SS.
You decide to stay at her place and have a second baby?
Why haven't you put your own home as a first?

You are kidding me?

Move?

Goodness me, OP. None of you are exactly covering yourselves in glory by the sounds of it.

One accidental pregnancy is just that. Two looks like carelessness tbh. I imagine your mother thought you were irresponsible to bring another child into the existing mess, and I kind of agree with her.

Do either of you work? What about private rent? If that’s out of the question, then your best bet is probably to put pressure on the council to get the flat sorted. And FGS don’t complain about the sw, it sounds like she is only doing her (presumably very difficult) job and complaining probably won’t reflect well on you or DP.

There's only your side of the story here, and only based on that I can see why social services have concerns about your children, and about you as parents. I bet mum's side of the story would be rather different from the one that you are painting. For someone so abusive she has very kindly allowed your family of four into her home, and is so concerned about your behaviours that she has involved social services (who wouldn't be involved if they didn't see good reason to be). At the very least, you and your partner need to grow up and take responsibility for your family.

Sure but if you are using condoms plus another type of contraception properly then there is no way you would have conceived twice in such a short period of time.
You and your partner clearly have many issues with taking responsibility for yourselves. You don't seem to accept that your current situation is entirely of your own doing. You didn't have weekly visits from a social worker for a year because you were doing well.

Those visits weren’t child related. Me and my partner take perfectly good care of our children, we manage perfectly fine. It’s my mums lies that cause social to be involved

Where does op say her DP doesn't work, I'm assuming he does and the op is a SAHM.

@GingerMama1 there is no way you had weekly visits because of your mother lying. Believe me Social services felt independently of your mother that this was needed to help you parent.

1000% this. The threshold for this level of involvement is shockingly high. Reality is they’d get your mums report, visit, and if they weren’t concerned you wouldn’t see them again. They’ve saw something concerning.

You need to wake up and smell the daisies. Social services did not visit you for a year because you managed "perfectly fine". They visit parents who are not managing "perfectly fine". Their visits are child related - they aren't popping in for a cuppa! They saw substance to the reports your mother made to them. THAT is why they spent an entire year working with you. They are back because they see substance to those reports again. Even I can see substance to their concerns about you based on your own very one-sided story. What you are seeing as responsible parenting simply isn't. So you need to both of you step up and take on board the fact that you now have two unplanned pregnancies and two social services interventions because of the things that you are doing or not doing. Not because of your mother. Because if you want to raise your children then you need to shape up - you are hovering precariously close to interventions that would involve your children being taken away for their own safety and wellbeing. No social worker wants that, but you are not leaving them any wriggle room. And by the way - attacking the social worker with complaints isn't in your best interest because they will have a full and detailed case report, and your actions will be deemed to be not listenting to them. Being unable or unwilling to take on board the guidance of the social worker is one of the key elements considered when deciding where children should live.

If the SW wasn't for the children, what team were they from?

This

Even if your mother was doing zero housework. You and your partner are perfectly capable of keeping a flat clean.

As if.

They'll both be on esa and PIP.

I got pregnant by accident..it happens trust me

Have you contacted environmental health in regards to these issues?