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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fortnums Hamper

87 replies

festivegripe · 20/12/2024 23:12

My husband is the Director of a small family run business (it's not his business, he's an employee too) and he works a lot of hours. Weekends, holidays, evenings etc. Every year at this time of year he gets gifts from various people, some are gifts for the business and some are for him. He then chooses to share these out amongst all the staff equally.

AIBU to be really annoyed that the top dollar Fortnums Hamper that he was personally gifted for a huge amount of work he did as an individual, he split up into individual items so that everyone in the business got some of it? It required a lot of time away from our home and family, and didn't affect anyone else in the business. He then left the empty hamper itself in the office as he didn't consider it of any value.

OP posts:
Namechangedforspooky · 21/12/2024 09:01

It personally makes me think what a good manager he is. You are lucky to be married to such a kind hardworking man I think

burnoutbabe · 21/12/2024 09:21

LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/12/2024 04:04

Its been the standard everywhere I work to share Christmas gifts, its to make sure everyone in the company is acknowledged. A director pocketing a whole hamper is a really bad look, he would have lost a lot of respect if anyone found out.

Why don't you communicate to him you would like a F&M hamper next year so he can buy you one?

Yes it's always the case if you get a work gift from a supplier /client you share where applicable. So 1 bottle of wine -keep or a notebook -but chocolates opened and offered and a hamper you pass out bits (I snagged dibs on the sweets in it and boss got the champagne magnum)

LadyChilli · 21/12/2024 09:39

isaidwhatisaidandimeantwhatisaid · 20/12/2024 23:36

I think if I'm being honest OP I'd feel the same as (I think) you do.

Which is: bloody hell, I'm at home holding the fort, the work you did on X project had a significant impact on me/our family and as part of our family team, I 'took the hit' for that which meant me putting in a ton of extra work on the family to accommodate your career whilst mine is on hold. Which is fine, and par for the course in our family set up. But now you've had a lovely expensive treat sent your way as a result of this AND YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT TO SHARE IT WITH ME? YOU FUCKER!

I mean yep, he's clearly a decent chap and a nice manager.

I hope he values you as part of his home team and the contribution you're making to your family, as much as he clearly values his work team.

This so much and I'm surprised to see so many nasty comments. He absolutely did the right thing and sounds like a decent man but that can be true at the same time as OP feeling a bit hard done by.

He definitely did do the right thing. I still remember a procurement manager I worked with years ago putting ALL the gifts he was given into an office raffle for charity. I was younger at the time and thought I wouldn't have done that 😂 but all these years on he still sticks in my mind as a decent person.

Flossflower · 21/12/2024 12:04

These hampers F and M hampers are a bit overated to be honest. My husband was given one for a special birthday 6 months ago. Most of the stuff is sitting in the kitchen cupboards still and I am looking at use before dates. The wine in them isn’t great. The hamper does make great wellington and boot storage though.

IncessantNameChanger · 21/12/2024 12:09

He sounds like a decent guy so that's your gift. You chose wisely. I'd want the empty hamper though. They are lovely.

Would you rather have a selfish husband? There's plenty going around especially this tome of year😅

AffIt · 21/12/2024 12:11

Sharing the goodies is fine and a nice thing to do, but I would have kept the hamper. 😉

CheeryPlum · 21/12/2024 12:12

MidnightMeltdown · 21/12/2024 00:32

It's feminism 101 that the salary one half of a couple is able to earn thanks to their partner doing all the unpaid care work has really been earned by both of them. Surely that argument extends to recognition in kind like this hamper?

This is just bollocks. Most women who stay at home and look after kids do it because they don't want to work. If they had a decent career then they could easily pay for childcare and a cleaner.

Personally, I think it's a bit of cheek when women don't work and then try to claim that have contributed equally to their partners success! Definitely not feminism!

Plus, what about SAHM where the partner works long hours but earns minimum wage? Is their childcare/cleaning contribution worth less?

I think you meant to say that SAHM do so because they want to raise their children themselves and are fortunate enough to have that choice.

wizzywig · 21/12/2024 12:13

Isn't hamper stuff just food with a 10yr shelf life?

latetothefisting · 21/12/2024 12:29

ribiera · 21/12/2024 06:39

But his colleagues did work for it didn't they. They weren't client facing but I'm practically every professional area I can think of there is a mountain of support staff helping out on projects like this.
Or, where they aren't directly, picking up the slack.
The hamper was sent to your husband for the role he plays at the office. With that in mind it's appropriate that he shares with colleagues.
The whole "I'm a SAHM so I pick up the slack" narrative is just tired. If that troubles you, go back to work and pay for childcare.

Show quote history

exactly! It seems very arrogant of OP, as an outsider, to be convinced that her DH did ALL the work with NO help, when he, as the person actually working there, doesn't seem to agree and recognises the importance of teamwork.

Whether it was a secretary or PA who organised his calendar and booked any travel, or the IT support who set him up with the laptop and apps/processes so he could actually complete the task, or the HR/payroll staff who makes sure he gets paid (you can't pay the bills with fortnum truffles!) or just his colleagues who picked up the work he would otherwise have been doing if he hadn't been working on this specific task, he may have been the main person working on it but if it was just him there would be no company and therefore no grateful client.

By OPs logic if she didn't "pick up the slack" at home, and they were either separated or she had an equally demanding job and they outsourced as much of the home stuff as possible, then presumably their kids' nursery staff or cleaner should have had a "claim" on the goodies, as without them he couldn't do his job? Where does that logic end, does his mum also deserve some of them, as if she hadn't given birth to him he wouldn't be around to do the job? His school teachers for giving him the skills to get the job?

Wibble128 · 22/12/2024 09:48

What a top bloke, excellent behaviours in a work environment.
Ask him to bring the empty hamper home.

user942557 · 23/12/2024 04:04

I’ve just been sent a gorgeous hamper as a surprise by a family member, I’m sorry you didn’t get to experience the same excitement OP.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

🎻

Onlyonekenobe · 23/12/2024 04:40

MidnightMeltdown · 21/12/2024 00:32

It's feminism 101 that the salary one half of a couple is able to earn thanks to their partner doing all the unpaid care work has really been earned by both of them. Surely that argument extends to recognition in kind like this hamper?

This is just bollocks. Most women who stay at home and look after kids do it because they don't want to work. If they had a decent career then they could easily pay for childcare and a cleaner.

Personally, I think it's a bit of cheek when women don't work and then try to claim that have contributed equally to their partners success! Definitely not feminism!

Plus, what about SAHM where the partner works long hours but earns minimum wage? Is their childcare/cleaning contribution worth less?

😂This is so wrong in our case.

I was the higher earner by a margin until I gave up work to be a SAHM. Loved my job. Loved my DC more. I could have worked, paid a cleaner, paid for a day nanny and a night nanny and still had money to spare. I had children to be with them, not hand over to others. And I have always had a cleaning lady.

My DH’s bonus is 100% ours and not just his. I don’t take any of it or lay claim to any of it, he just always says that it’s ours and he wouldn’t have got it if I hadn’t been doing his share of home and parenting duties. Feminism doesn’t come into it fgs, it’s just logic and decency!

In this case I’d be a bit annoyed because it’s a Fortnums hamper and they’re really lovely at this time of year, but he did the right thing. Annoying but right 😂

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