People writing cards with late partners in them

[notedbiscuits]

Have 6 friends and family who have lost their OH in the past 5 years.

Every single year, each of them gets a Christmas card addressed to them and their OH. They get upset by this. Then one friend lost her husband almost 3 years ago. First two Christmases her DM’s former neighbour addressed the card to my friend. Today got a card saying her and late DH,

The authors of the cards are of all ages.

Aww I have no idea why people would do that! It’s really thoughtless. The only thing I can think of is that they want them to know that their OH is still in their thoughts.

That's really weird. Do the senders not realise the OH has died?

People forget?
They use last year's list and go a bit on autopilot?
Or they just don't know?

I see people writing happy birthday to dead people on Facebook clearly totally unaware they have died. I imagine these people are just unaware or going through their address book without thinking. I doubt it's malicious.

Thoughtless and cunty

Is it "Dear Roger and Margaret"? In which case I assume they've either forgotten that Roger has died, or they're writing names on autopilot from an old Christmas card list.

Or is it acknowledging the dead partner in a way that's presumably meant to be kind, so "Dear Margaret, wishing you a peaceful Christmas and remembering your dear Roger"?

I've actually had this the other way around, signed from a couple after one had actually gone, so it must be helpful to some people to continue to include them in the family.

I almost slipped up this year. We are at an age where the list updates frequently. For extended family, it gets hard to remember as I am working on a large list and often get interrupted as I write. Thankfully I have DH who does a check for me to see if I have missed any edits.

It’s still no guarantee though because at this point I am relying on my elderly father to relay news about certain relatives. I could just stop sending them cards so I don’t risk a faux pas, but that feels even worse.

Is it that this is the only contact they have and they don't actually know?

On a lighter side, I addressed my cousins card last year to her and her first husband. She's been marred to no 2 for about 8 years.

In all honesty I just wasn't thinking, I think she enjoyed plastering it all over socials!

About 8 years ago I got a card from a family friend. Heard later that day, she died unexpectedly.

I invited my future father in law and his ex wife (no 2) to my wedding rather than his current wife (no 3). Although they were all alive. I don’t really do Christmas cards but if I did I feel I could easily do something like this, rushing and thinking of a million other things. It’s not meant.

@notedbiscuits are you talking about the senders actually doing this while knowing the person is deceased?

Are the senders not close enough to be aware of the death, yet somehow have them on their Christmas card list? Some people do send cards to anyone and everyone.

The first year is excusable; particularly if the death has occurred in the latter part of the year it's easy to think you've told everyone when you haven't. This happened to DF last year after DM passed away in November. By the time we were ready to go through their list, cards had started to arrive addressed to both. DF then either rang or wrote to more distant friends. I'm expecting everyone to have updated this year.

I'm pissed off that I've had cards two years running from the same person with my now ex husbands name in, but if it is a dead partners name that is much worse.

Last year I'd sent the card early so she'd notice but that clearly didn't work. This year hers arrived first with his fucking name in again so I replied and then put no ex h anymore btw. Haven't heard from her since.

I've never understood the point in sending cards to people you don't see any more. If you literally don't even know they've died, you weren't that close!
[By "you" I mean general you, not anyone on the thread]

The lady who lived here before me died 6 years ago and I still get cards for her!

It depends on whether they’ve forgotten the OH has died or think they are doing a kind thing by acknowledging the late partner. It is a bit risky tho. Personally I like it when we get cards that include my daughter’s name, even though she was stillborn. It makes me feel like people remember her and think she matters. It’s a difficult subject to check directly with the remaining spouse/ family though

Not the same but after my dad died, my mum continued to sign our cards from them both. She missed sees him so badly. She followed him on 13 months later

Pop them back in the post with person died in 2018.

@notedbiscuits but will you answer the most important question- do these people know?

I see people saying happy birthday on Facebook to.people they know are dead. Happy birthday granny in heaven you're 100 etc. That's weirder.

Is it possible they don't know?

My favourite is my friend who always posts for her parents birthdays and says happy birthday, you'd have been 114 today if you were still with me. Like, ok 🤣

I am meticulous about keeping the Christmas card list/address book up to date.

My mother sent me a birthday cheque a couple of years ago in my maiden name. I'd been married for 31 years. She was 86 and remains switched on.

@ElinAlma I don't think that is the same

they aren't upsetting anyone