People writing cards with late partners in them

[notedbiscuits]

Have 6 friends and family who have lost their OH in the past 5 years.

Every single year, each of them gets a Christmas card addressed to them and their OH. They get upset by this. Then one friend lost her husband almost 3 years ago. First two Christmases her DM’s former neighbour addressed the card to my friend. Today got a card saying her and late DH,

The authors of the cards are of all ages.

Perhaps they are upsetting someone. Perhaps another of their mutual Facebook friends doesn't want to be reminded that they never reached that milestone and are dead instead of seeing a bizarre happy birthday in heaven today you're X age. It would upset me if my sister said that on Facebook about our recent mothers death because she is dead and forever the age she died at. I'm acutely aware she won't ever have another birthday

Me too.

We used to get Christmas cards for one of my teachers who had previously lived in our house. I'd always pass on the cards until he very sadly died when he was only in his 40s. After that we never passed on any cards for fear that if they didn't know that the family had moved 15years ago they likely wouldn't know that he'd died and we didn't want his family to be upset by those cards.

Sometimes exchanging Christmas cards is the only contact people have. It may be that the senders don’t know somebody has died or they have forgotten. It could also be that they’re on autopilot, distracted or using an out of date list.

I doubt it is done intentionally or maliciously.

I see that a lot but don't find it weird. It's more sad. 'Happily heavenly birthday Mum, I miss you so much' kind of thing.

@ElinAlma okay fair enough

I still think a happy birthday to someone who they say is in heaven is at least clearer than addressing a card to the person but the unknown factor remains the most important one here, I think.

I lost my 22 year old son in an accident 2 years ago and it does feel strange to not include his name where it used to be and it's almost like you are forgetting them if you don't add them which is silly really but it's almost something I can't bear.
My daughter was 12 when he died and they were incredibly close so every birthday and Christmas I get her something from him as a little keepsake and it just feels like old times again for a minute, not to mention she wears his hoodies and has his Xbox in her room lol so not sure what he would say about that haha. Sorry for your losses x

When I see posts like that Im always tempted to wish my 12xgt grandfather happy birthday but all I know is he died in 1623

I absolutely understand that. I would think nothing of you or anyone continuing to sign his name.

I still talk about my mum in the present tense sometime as I still haven't got my head round it.

I can't believe that people bother to actual post cards to people who they don't even care enough about to remember if they are still alive or not

Last year I was living in my late grandmother’s house while waiting to move into mine. Her neighbors (who gran thought were in her words ‘bloody odd’) put a card for her through the door. It’s a close cul-de-sac, literally everyone else knew. The flipping hearse would have turned outside their front window.
I took great pleasure in the look on their faces when I said a few days later thanks for the card, you do know XXX died 8 months ago right?

They probably don't even know the person has died.
What relationship is there between the card sender and the recipient? If the only contact is a Christmas card each year then they may well not know the person has died. I remember my parents getting cards each year from distant cousins and acquaintances (and also my parents sending them to those people too) but we had no contact with them the rest of the time.

Then one friend lost her husband almost 3 years ago. First two Christmases her DM’s former neighbour addressed the card to my friend. Today got a card saying her and late DH
And this one probably just forgot unfortunately. Your friend's DM's former neighbour is quite a distant relationship, probably has no contact the rest of year, might have been told about the death of your friend's husband but maybe didn't note it down and managed to remember the first two years and then simply forgot the third time.

@Ihopeithinkiknow I'm so very sorry for your loss x

Most people don't put a return address on Christmas cards though.

@Ihopeithinkiknow I am so sorry you lost your son. How devastating for you and your family. I think in the Christmas cards I would just write from you, your partner if you have one, and family. I would really struggle to miss out his name 💔

I completely understand that. I’m extremely sorry for your loss. You are doing a lovely thing for your daughter.

I sent 100birthday congratulations from my Dad to a friend of his who I discovered yesterday died nearly 2 years ago. So that'll be why Dad didn't get a card from him last Christmas, then.

I always put my address on the back so whoever receives it can mark it "no known here - return to sender" but maybe that doesn't work any more.

Cards are one way to find out if they are still alive. I have a lot of people where the main contact is the Christmas card, with enclosed note of what they've been getting up to that year. I wouldn't want to lose touch completely.

My MIL did this, she died 17 months later.

@Ihopeithinkiknow
So sorry about your son.
When my DH died suddenly - 19 years ago now -I kept his favorite jumper on the pillow on his side of the bed for a long time. It had the smell of him on it and I found it very comforting . So I totally understand your daughter wearing her brother's hoodies.
We have to do what ever helps us cope with the loss don't we?
Best wishes to you.

I have never heard of people doing this, that is totally weird and a bit creepy.

How strange, I'm a widow and this has never happened to me. Do these neighbours / friends know that the other person has passed away ?

I get a card from my late mother's friend. She puts my mother's name followed by R.I.P. I think it's lovely in that case. Anything else is plain weird.

Few people put senders details in cards. Royal Mail would probably just bin them.

I signed a cheque myself with my maiden name when I had been married for 11 years. These very peculiar things happen. I was only 38.