About genetic testing?

[romanfriendsandcountrywomen]

DH and I were struggling for some pressie ideas for his parents and his 2 siblings. They've always joked that they're the Heinz 57 of family trees with people from all over the world so we thought it might be fun.

Fortunately DH mentioned it to his mum before we bought the tests.
She put the phone down, then called back 2 mins later, hysterically saying we couldn't, shouldn't, mustn't.
She won't say why. My FIL called later to say that they disapprove of genetic testing for privacy reasons and it would be unforgivable if we bought the tests. (This is a couple who check in on their open FB when they go to Tesco!)

We obviously won't buy them as gifts but DH and his siblings are consumed with curiosity and are thinking of just getting themselves tested. I've suggested that might not be a great idea - they joke about finding out one of them is adopted or an affair baby but it could be really traumatic. FILs brother had quite a chequered past and I suggested his dna might be in a database somewhere - what if you get uncle Derek (not his real name) arrested?

There's obviously a huge can of worms here and I think we should just put the lid back on tightly and forget about it. Am I being unreasonable?

Oof yes I think you're right but I can't lie if I was your DH I'd be absolutely desperate to know.

The sibling group chat has seem more action in the last hour than the whole previous year!

Curiousity would be getting the better of me but I don’t know how wise it would be!

There was a series on BBC sounds about genetic testing with unexpected results. Worth a listen before taking the plunge.

It's a stupid idea. I think some secrets should stay secrets. DH says it's fine for me to say that as it's not my family and I'd think differently if it were.... he might be right

Hmmm I'm not sure I could stop myself tbh.

Perhaps the more mature thing to do would be to confront the parents and say you know something's up and if they don't say what it is then we can get tested. Give them a chance to break news gently and save face by giving the full story with context.

Id be coming up with outlandish theories but it's probably as mundane as one parent having an affair and unsure parentage or a half sibling somewhere they don't want you know about.

That's a good idea. I'll send them some links....

Speaking as someone who dabbles in some loo family tree stuff and have had my DNA tested, PLEASE be careful. I was secure enough in mine and my sibling’s physical and character traits to know that we wouldn’t have any nasty surprises (which we didn’t get), I’d say tread VERY carefully-there are countless families who have been blown apart by this-pretty much irreparably, and you’ve already been given a headsup by the reaction to the suggestion.

My parents were both deceased when I did it-just in case there was any outside chance

Op what is the heinz story based on? Is there a unusual variation in looks between siblings or something?

Hmm interesting as seems both his parents know. Perhaps fil is adopted.

God yeah I'd be doing it straight away to find out!!

Actually got my DH this as a Christmas gift but he did ask for it and is aware he may have some siblings who he is interested in finding. I think he has thought it through and that's what he wants so fair play to him.

I've got a very interesting family history where there was an illegal adoption covered up... it's caused a lot of damage. I didn't find out via dna testing.
But it's given me the rage regarding people lying about adoption and or parentage to children. It can have such devastating effects to lie. These things do tend to come out in the end in some way.. or they impact in some way..regardless of whether you actively try and find out.
Everyone has a right to know who they are and where they come from, and the truth.

Whatever we do we'd to wait until after Xmas though. I can't imagine spending Xmas day with me, DH, our kids, his siblings partners and kids with this atmosphere hanging over us. I'm threatening them about bringing it up.
My in laws house is cramped, heated hotter than the surface of the sun and they start drinking at the crack of noon. I'm not adding genetic testing to an already febrile mix.

Siblings all look different. The Heinz thing is because MIL is half Greek, quarter Albanian and quarter Belgian and FIL is a mix of Kenyan, South African and (randomly) somewhere in Scandinavia. If you threw darts at a globe you'd almost definitely hit somewhere they have a not too distant relative.

Yes, sounds fair to wait until after Christmas.

It could be anything from them not understanding dna and being paranoid about a petty theft conviction of their parent in 1956 to one of them was adopted to one of the children has a different father, or something like the parents are cousins.

Bit now the cat is out of the bag there's no way the children won't test - the mystery would be too much.

My parents both did one of these as they're into genealogy. My mum found out the man who she thought was her Dad wasn't, unfortunately her mother died a few years ago, her bio father & 'Dad' both died years back so she can't get any answers.

I think if she could go back she wouldn't do the test.

My FIL ( now deceased) was contacted by a distant overseas relative who was investigating his family tree. He had worked out that my husbands elderly uncle ( early nineties) and his wife had had their daughter out of wedlock. My FIL and his brother were distraught and were convinced they were being blackmailed They were so upset and it was distressing to see their fear. My husband had to step in and tell the long distance relative to leave his parents alone.
I would hate my family tree to be broadcast and investigated. Very working class background, most children born out of wedlock. No doubt some were in prison.
I listen to some people boasting about their ancestors. I would rather let the past sleep

I think honestly people should be careful, ours was very boring but if you can’t handle finding things out they shouldn’t do it. Personally I wouldn’t be able to stop myself, I’d have to do it, especially after MIL’s reaction.

OP I would maybe suggest to those involved, that they ask themselves whether if they had secrets, about the parentage of their children, would they really want them broadcast. What a Pandora's box has been opened here!

I think it's for your DH and his siblings to decide. And now their mum has set them wondering I think they won't be at ease till they test.

Her reaction was unhinged so there must be a story there!

If I were your DH I'd definitely be quietly doing my own testing now!

I'm guessing there's some skeletons somewhere.

If my mum flipped out at the idea of doing a genetic testing thing, I wouldn't be able to resist. I wouldn't be able to shake the possibility that there was something very important about me that I didn't know. And I wouldn't want that.

So long as they go in expecting to find big surprises then go for it

I’d be straight on the internet ordering one for me LOL! Mine turned out to be Pandora’s box but fortunately everyone involved is dead, but we did get a lot of answers to why my Nan was so bloody secretive and weird.

The in-laws should have played it cool and said, “thanks, nice thought but that doesn’t really sound like our thing, please could we have an M&S hamper.”

That's incredibly difficult!! Once the box is open, you can't shut it. Personally, I probably wouldn't, the chance of a sibling being unrelated and feeling awful sensitive at every family event.