About genetic testing?

[romanfriendsandcountrywomen]

DH and I were struggling for some pressie ideas for his parents and his 2 siblings. They've always joked that they're the Heinz 57 of family trees with people from all over the world so we thought it might be fun.

Fortunately DH mentioned it to his mum before we bought the tests.
She put the phone down, then called back 2 mins later, hysterically saying we couldn't, shouldn't, mustn't.
She won't say why. My FIL called later to say that they disapprove of genetic testing for privacy reasons and it would be unforgivable if we bought the tests. (This is a couple who check in on their open FB when they go to Tesco!)

We obviously won't buy them as gifts but DH and his siblings are consumed with curiosity and are thinking of just getting themselves tested. I've suggested that might not be a great idea - they joke about finding out one of them is adopted or an affair baby but it could be really traumatic. FILs brother had quite a chequered past and I suggested his dna might be in a database somewhere - what if you get uncle Derek (not his real name) arrested?

There's obviously a huge can of worms here and I think we should just put the lid back on tightly and forget about it. Am I being unreasonable?

I'd be straight on a testing website and ticking the priority delivery option.

I can't imagine your DHs parents not explaining what the secret is now this has happened. Surely they must know the kids will test and find out for themselves. Isn't it better for family relationships to be open now at this point, and will give them the opportunity for apologies/spin/explanations

The Heinz thing is because MIL is half Greek, quarter Albanian and quarter Belgian and FIL is a mix of Kenyan, South African and (randomly) somewhere in Scandinavia.

Well at least that means they are less likely to be secret siblings...

They might, of course, just be paranoid that their genetic information is going to be sold to an insurance company, rather than actually having any interesting mystery involved. Or maybe FIL was a prolific sperm donor back in the day and is worried that he has hundreds of stealth offspring.

Indeed! They are both super dramatic though. The whole family is A Lot. This is why DH thinks it could be something not that bad because they have the same OTT reaction to a blocked drain as to a massive flood.
I think it's not worth it!

I'd be consumed by curiosity and would want to know the answers.

Ong. I didn't even think about sperm doner. Or any medical issues. Agh!

Hopefully the sperm doner thing is less likely- in the 90s when he'd have been donating I'm not sure his very mixed heritage would have been in demand.

@romanfriendsandcountrywomen I think it was called The Gift. It was on last week. About the unintended consequences of DNA testing done " as a bit of fun".
It was compelling listening. I really would urge you, OP to listen to it first.

School mum’s dh did one a few years ago. His dad wasn’t who he thought. Can of worms caused so much heartache.

Oh I'd be burning with curiosity now... and frankly their reaction means its clear there IS a secret, they've let that cat outta the bag and there is no putting it back! So now its a matter of 'what is the secret' not 'are there any secrets'...

I think some things are best left unknown. Perhaps there was an affair that led to one of the siblings not being FILs. The parents must have decided to get over it and raise the sibling as FIL's but how will that change family dynamics if the truth came out? The sibling will forever feel different from the others and will probably end up wishing they'd never found out the truth.

My husband had something similar in his family through a cousin doing this kind of testing. It came out that at least one of a number of siblings did not have the same dad as the others. Cousin recommended my husband get tested to see if he shared the 'new' grandparent but he decided against it at least while his parent is alive. He knows his parent would be devastated if it came out their dad wasn't their dad, and as far as he's concerned the grandad who he loved as a child is his grandad and he doesn't want to be told otherwise.

I would be interested to find out where my ancestors came from and if there were any fun stories but my Mum is adopted and at this stage in her life she doesn't want to deal with any surprise relatives springing up so no DNA tests for me.

I think the best thing would be for your husbands parents to let your husband and his siblings know. As you say it may be much less than the offspring are now imagining. Or if it's not, then a dna test will provide some answers but it will open up a whole lot more. eg if it showed the dad wasn't the father for one sibling you would want to know was that because the person was conceived in a previous relationship, did the birth father die, did the birth father know, was it because of sexual assault, was it an affair, did the dad who brought him up know etc. There's a lot to think about as well as it bringing up difficult feelings and maybe changing the dynamics between the siblings.

They should have said, "Yeah, fine" and then thrown the tests away.

I'd never do it - too worried about my DNA being on a database I had no control over. One of the popular testing companies is going/has gone bust and being sold, I'm sure.

Hmm well I've never had mine done despite being curious as my dad put it about quite a bit in his youth (and not in his youth) and I don't want to be the one to uncover half siblings.

Don’t know why anyone would think this is good fun. Imagine finding out that you or someone in the family was the product of incest or of a notorious serial killer or paedophile/rapist. Can only imagine how that would potentially ruin lives!

I would be so curious

23AndMe

Also, what came up in this radio programme, The Gift, is if you discovered there was strong genetic traits of a disease you could do nothing about. I realise that it's just probability, but say there was a strong history of Schizophrenia? In some other examples it was bowel cancer, which, at least, if you knew, you could get frequent screening, but it could severely affect someone's mental wellbeing to know they potentially had the "Sword of Damocles" over them.
It's quite an ethically difficult decision that not only affects oneself.
And, as a PP mentioned, I would worry about my information being on an international database.

I did mine last year, I have very limited contact with my then parents I grew up in care. (dad passed away a few months ago) and my mum is in a care home with dementia.
I wanted to know my family history that I would never of got from my parents.

However if I had loving parents, I probably wouldn't feel the need to know.

But it should solely be in the hands of your DH and siblings.
And tbh the way his parents have reacted it would make me want to do it more.

Don't do the tests.

My father was a sperm donor (back in the 80s when donors were assured of anonymity), and I know there are about 4 children he was used for. My sister and I have always agreed to never do those sorts of tests in case any of those kids don't know their dad isn't their dad, or in case they do and are looking for my dad. We don't want to implode any families, nor do we want to meet any siblings.

As far as law enforcement is confirmed, they're not allowed to use most of the databases according to the Ts&Cs. The ones that do allow have an opt-in or opt-out option for testers.

But yes, think carefully. It's not a step to take lightly. Even if it's obvious in the results that something is amiss, the answers won't be presented on a plate and it could take a lot of work, and a lot of effort to understand the results, to figure out.

I'm so against these genetic tests, they shouldn't be allowed. I had genetic testing on the NHS for one issue, the medical ones that you can find out about anything without warning or professional support are terrifying.

In your case OP the first reply has it - they shouldn't do it but there's no way I could ignore the curiosity.

I think recommend that they wait until after Christmas (so they can cool down as much as anything), and then that they all need to be in it together - some siblings may decide they don't want to know what comes up and that should be respected IMO.

Definitely not one to rush into, there's no going back.

The genetic testing sites are providing a huge database of info and allowing decades old crimes to be solved

https://isogg.org/wiki/Lawenforcementtcasessolveddusinggeneticc_genealogy

This is obviously good news but for people including women trying to 'hide' from abusive families it can make them vulnerable.

I am assuming you mean Ancestry DNA or similar rather than 23 and Me which is more about health testing. They have every right to not wish to test, they might just misunderstand what it's all about, they might just not be interested, they might suspect that there is something in their tree they do not wish to explore. You have every right though to do your own test or for DP to do his - they can't stop you.

Few misconceptions though. Privacy - this doesn't particularly bother me to be honest. Quite what "they" could do with my Ancestry DNA results I'm not sure. This is NOT the sort of testing which tells you that you are at greater risk of illness or anything like that.

Law enforcement - your DNA cannot be used to track criminals here in the UK. The law permits the British Police to only look for familial matches against their own database, not commercial databases. Your DNA will not be on the Police database unless you have been arrested and had it taken by the police. Now I suppose that if you have a relative who has committed a crime in the US then you could get caught up in a case but it's unlikely.

@TiramisuCheesecake Few misconceptions though. Privacy - this doesn't particularly bother me to be honest. Quite what "they" could do with my Ancestry DNA results I'm not sure.

I feel the same way. I realise DNA data can be use for nefarious purposes, but whoever is using it for nefarious purposes isn't going to be interested in Graham in Hatfield unless he happens to be on some sort of 'spies most wanted' list. Genomic medicine is already happening, it's the future of healthcare and as we know, NHS systems are quite capable of being hacked. If you're particularly concerned you can ask for your DNA data to be deleted.

I also don't really care if companies profit from my data. Someone, somewhere is profiting from your data every time you use the internet. As far as things to worry about go, it's very low down on my list.